HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25, WEEK WHATEVER, SONNY

schnellenberger

1. Suspenders, for the 746th week in a row.

2. Whole Plums. Codgers swear by prunes, but the pits are key. The digestive aid you can hear working.

3. Ted's Drive-thru Smoked Fish, Liquor, and Mens Finery, A1A, West Palm Beach. All your needs in one place.

4. Accountants who don't turn out to be housecats. I'll get you, Colby Nolan.

5. Clydesdales. Mass transit Kentucky-style.

6. Squirrels. You'd think they'd make great corners, but we tried that in '85. Got us to a bowl game, but I wouldn't dare try it twice.

7. Paraffin. Hair product, boat sealant, delicious snack.

8. Apollo 11. But not 13. John Swigert was a pantywaist.

9. David Allan Coe. That man can spell relief.

11. Post-hole diggers. Bury small amounts of gold doubloons in your backyard for a 401-karat retirement plan. Can also double as marital aid.

12. The English School of Feminine Landscaping. The palm trees let a man know he's found the oasis, ladies.

13. Lobsters. Great listeners.

14. Thunder Road. Only instructional driving movie a man needs.

15. Mrs. Butterworth. Nothing like that silhouette to stir a man's loins in the morning. Someday she'll talk to me, that flirt.

16. Chum. Breakfast of champions, aftershave of ladyslayers, and surefire friend-finder for a morning swim.

17. Turfman's All-in-One Flare Gun and Dentifrice Dispenser. Mind which end you use unless you want the wake-up call of a lifetime. Another essential product from the Turfman Company, makers of Turfman's Scotch: "If you can't join the Whig Party, you can always drink Turfman's."

18. Coriander. Grind a little onto your yarbles. Fresh as a daisy and smells like autumn. Ladies like it cozy down Mexico way.

19. Lima. Good town for a burro-throwin', lady-towin' man like myself. Their burros just love a good tossin'.

20. Grover Cleveland. Great president. Better hangman. The best muppet.

21. USC. God, John Robinson's got some work to do there, I tell you.

22. Orange Julius. Demand they leave the shell on the eggs. Makes a mustache firm enough to scrub the scum off a tugboat's hull. Which is what I'm doing right now.

23. Mack Brown. The man can rhumba like he's skinned and eaten Carmen Miranda. And we've all been there.

24. Bolo ties, aka. "The West Texas Emergency Sex Brake." Pull it for relief, ladies of the Llano Estocado.

25. Bathroom attendants. I don't pay 'em to applaud, but they do anyway.

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