YIP YIP YIP YIP. Happy birthday, cultural touchstone and formative experience:

MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH. Totally. Totally. Totally. Totally. SENILE. SENILE. SENILE. SENILE.

Bowden: “You mean when they got it (momentum)? Well, actually … you know, they had to kick off to us. We had a what? A three-point ….? Did we have the lead at the half?”

TELEPHONE. TELEPHONE. TELEPHONE. TELEPHONE.

Reporter: “They went ahead and then you guys came back.”

Bowden: “Huh?”

Reporter: “They went ahead and then you guys came back again.”

Bowden: “Did we get ahead of them again after that?”

Reporter: “Yeah.”

Bowden: “Then we got back ahead, huh? Umm, it was going that way, you know it? I felt very comfortable that if they could score, we could score. That’s the way I felt, you know it? We’ve done it all year. But then we started turning the ball over.”

AP-PUL-SAUCE. AP-PUL-SAUCE. AP-PUL-SAUCE. AP-PUL-SAUCE.

You were just benched for a guy with one arm. Zach Collaros will not start for Cincinnati against West Fuckin’ Virginia on Friday, yielding to one-armed Tony Pike, who played brilliantly last year with a broken non-throwing arm so suck it, logic. Pike was the established starter before injuring the same arm and having the METAL PLATE IN HIS ARM SHIFT INSIDE HIS ARMFLESH. Football players are tough and you are not and this is your reminder of that.

Oh, everything. That seems easy to fix. Urban Meyer has identified the problem with Florida’s offense, and it’s everything. Cool. Glad we’re clear on that now, Coach. The transition has “not been as smooth” as anyone has wanted on the coaching staff, lending credence to the theorized Addazio succession plan: Addazio will leave and become a head coach somewhere in the offseason, Scott Loeffler will move into the OC spot to bring Brantley along and morph the Meyer offense into something friendly for a pocket passer like Brantley, and all will be sunflowers and shiny new flamethrowers for the Florida offense again.

Suck it, recession! Coaching salaries going up despite the economy, but seriously when was the last time you saw a homeless and jobless man walk in shoeless and call a decent game on defense? We mean, except for Joe Lee Dunn, that is.

Punch, don’t lie. You know this is fiction, because T. Boone would build nothing but the shiniest outhouse of all shiny outhouses.