THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK IN GRAPHS, VOLUME 2

Not to be pedantic, but there’s a typo in the Jeremiah Masoli graph, professor.

Fixed! Now that’s service!

Don’t you know mathematishuns can’t spel?

Fucking hilarious! Something for all us haterz.

But c’mon….at least Cincinnati’s in a “BCS” conference.

Hey, I want TCU-Iowa in the championship game, jerkface.

Why does Chris Todd get sad droopy tits? He should at least be halfway between sad droopy tits and just tits, like you know, the tits on a 36 year old woman who hasn’t had kids yet…

Clearly we should have TCU-Boise for the title game. The winner gets the MNC and the opportunity to replace any BCS conference team of their choice. The loser’s program gets the death penalty. CAGE MATCH!

“Beating Frank Beamer to Death with a Claw Hammer.” – Done, about three times now.

Probably my favorite regular EDSBS feature.

You know what, fuck it – throw TCU and Boise in there and run the bowls the way they should be run. Give the mid-majors a MNC that’s completely invalid because it came against – tee hee – a mid-major.

“the tits on a 36 year old woman who hasn’t had kids yet…”

HEY!

(or alternate response) MOM, get off teh Internets, quit bugging me about grandkids!

We may need a time axis on the celebratory dancing bit. Ever since the UGa/LSU debacle there seems to be absolutely NOTHING that will get a call (yes, I’m aware of our outlandish behavior).

Oh, and #6, someday in the not too distant future you’ll swim through a river of snot to get at untouched 36 year olds. Trust me. Those days are coming and they’re not pretty!

Just sayin’, but Georgia had a pretty big celebratory dance this weekend without a penalty, so perhaps the SEC’s “KILL IT WITH FIRE!” rating is falling.

/no snide “They were wearing black ’cause they were going to a @#$&ing funeral!” joke.
//damn, just ruined it

Just excellent all around….

Honestly I thought beating Frank Beamer to death with a claw hammer would take up more space.

I like how people are already defending the first graph.

We are fast approaching Lou Holtz’ giantess fetish. I can’t wait!

Excellent repeat addition to the blog Swindle.

Great, now Big & Rich is stuck in my head

WELL WE’RE COMIN
TO YOUR CITAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Hey Orson,

I want whatever it is your’re smoking that lets you come up with that. Seriously. Share.
I thought I was a wordy, beautiful-sentences-intense-writing fan, but with all due
respect to your various fine pieces of prose over the few years I’v e been reading this blog,
your graphs have become your finest pieces. I know now to put my drink down before
I read.

I protest. I want TCU and Boise in the big game. Add in another circle for folks who hate the BCS.

The polls AND the computers are way more open to TCU (the schedule) and Boise (Oregon) this year, so all that stands between us and a playoff system for next year is 5 undefeated BCS teams. Let the mayhem begin.

that first graph…. those are all the people who like having a one-game BCS playoff, right?

@11, they’re still nice aren’t they? No reason to be upset…

I fully admit to being inside the red and blue circles in graph #1. But the green doesnt describe me and I would love to see a Cincy v Boise St title game. Why? Becuase I dont give a fuck what the outside of the jersey says (unless it is my team). I want to see good football and Boise St and Cincy play good football. Plus, anything that would freak out the SEC into supporting a playoff is good for college football.

I hate, Hate, HATE when I hear a pundit say something like “its good for college football when Miami and Notre Dame are at the top” (feel free to replace with other teams). Why wouldnt Wake Forest and Baylor playing the exact same quality of football be just as good? Real fans of college football dont care. The people who hate college football are those who cant comprehend 120 different teams.

OH…and I would definitely have to rearrange my YinYang and my ZingZang when N=coming to your citaaaay…they are way out of whack

I think this feature plays to America’s inherent love of USAToday style statshots.

The graphs bit is #2 on my favorite recurring EDSBS segments, behind Schnellenberger’s, “writing checks and breaking necks,” segment.

Nice work recognizing Ponder’s efforts. You are, at the least, fair.

@23:

Does that mean you only care what it says on the inside of the jersey?

Meaning your philosophy on college football is a bunch of stitching and “XXL?”

I’m confused.

TCU-Boise. Why should San Diego get all the fun.

O, we need a graph on how many gallons of Esso former USChikin players pumped so far this week versus former Vowel players.

I thought Loooouuuu descended straight into insanity the moment he made the ND in the Title Game argument.

O, I’ll take Total Dicks for $400….

Why isn’t there the same fervor for a championship game within a conference as there is for a playoff vs. BCS? Why should the SEC, Big 12, and (cough, cough) ACC have to play a mini-tournament and the rest of the conferences don’t? If there was a playoff system, chances are that the loser of the conference championship would get a worse seed than a team who didn’t play in a conference championship.

The SEC Acceptability chart has me positively quaking with giggles.
I think its the half-assed “Say, there…” that takes the cake.

Just wait… in a few weeks we’ll watch Brandon Spikes snip off Garcia’s little finger with a pair of garden pruners he had hidden in his pants.
The ref’s response? A stern talking-to and finger-wagging beginning with “Now, just a minute there son…”.

The SEC, Big12, and ACC dont HAVE to play championship games, they choose to do it. You take the money and you take your chances. It helps the winner and hurts the loser.

Moral Defeat Dept:

Excellent charts/graphs…Just one suggestion:

Add a “Demoralizing Defeat” bar to the last chart, with Pete Carroll listed with a minus 1 (-1).

If there is such a beast as a “moral victory”, then there must be a concomitant “amoral loss”.

The ACC plays a Championship game?

Really?

Where the circle for 1 loss SEC Haters?

Horns vs Horny Frogs after LSU beats Albama and Florida.

@31 I think usually the conference championship games help crown a winner and boost their standings at the end of the year, possibly mitigating an earlier loss. It’s rare that they are actually de facto playoffs between equal teams already ranked #1 and #2, like the SEC game might be this year.

@ Tom Kazansky:
Yes, the ACC plays a championship game,
and you can buy blocks of 10 seats for the price of 1 ticket.

Really, #38?

Given where you, for you, unfortunately put that apostrophe, allow me to clue you in.

You could not sniff a SECCG if your lives depended on it. You also could not sniff an ACCCG if your lives depended on it.

Know why?

We wipe our asses with you. Yeah, we might get curbstomped by Alabama when the nation focuses on us, but Dear Lord…

we own you.

I am getting an ACC title after we get revenge on Tech in Tampa. What are you getting? Another season where you start out 5-1, obligatory loss to UGa as almost mandatory, and then….

Tennessee takes you behind the woodshed.

Then, Arkansas takes you behind the woodshed.

Then, Florida gang rapes you.

Then, well here we are, once again.

You sucked at life in the ACC, now you just suck against better football competition.

The only thing that remains consistent in SCar’s football history is the following:

1) you are going to lose, often
2) WE OWN YOU

@7, Ancient Chinese Secret, that’s possibly the best idea I’ve ever heard. Who knew snorting elephant ivory could give one such wisdom.

@ Coop:
You mistake my moniker, which stands for SC MOUNTAINEER, as in a Wf’’nV transplant. Hell, even LSU fans have recognized it straight away. I live here now, but have no particulary affinity for that SEC school where Hall of Fame coaches go to experience mediocrity.

But none of that diminishes the fact that the ACCCG has been poorly attended since its inception.

Without the SECCG you’re looking at a very real possibility of Bama-UF for all the marbles in Pasadena. Texas would get Auburn’d and sent to destroy _ in the Sugar Bowl, and only because the SEC took Arkansas instead of the Horns in 1992. That may or may not piss off the other 6 conferences, I dunno.

Luckily we haven’t had the nightmare scenario of a conference with two teams good enough for BCS bids to 1) avoid one another on the schedule and 2) belong to a conference without a CG. We’re safe from the Big East for a long while, the Pac-10 has the round robin format, but the Big Ten could really ruin it for everyone with their setup.

From a team standpoint you hate to have the extra hurdle of a CG but from a conference standpoint you love to have the BCS point bump, unless you’re the ACC of course. Nobody gets extra points for beating UVA/Duke/Maryland/yougetthepoint. The risk/reward ratio is great for the SEC since the talent is spread across both divisions.

SEC acceptable behavior chart FTW.

I saw the original and think you’ve got a few typos there.

The Blue circle is actually Total DUcks. The epicenter is hard to read because of the fine print, but I’m pretty certain it says “People who want the national title game to be the 3rd game of Oregon’s best of five with Boise”

Some smartass Tech walkon needs to grow a pair and tape that Paul Johnson chart up inside his locker. Hell, if he puts it on the outside, Paul will probably give him a scholarship for ballsiness, after beating him to death with a claw hammer.

“I have giantess fetish.”

Holy hell—that is distilled comic brilliance.

Naw, Paul Johnson would take one look at a math graph and spit.

Dammit. Crying laughing. Needs to be a regular feature.

@ 42 you ignorant slut.

Texas never courted the SEC. Not up to par academically. UT flirted with the PAC 10 due to a better research and academic fit but different cultures and geography killed that before it was reality. Also Texas A&M would not have been invited the the invited by the PAC 10 and the Texas lawmakers would not allow the conference split.

Texas A&M did serioulsy consider the SEC though but Texas never did so that died.

I’m shocked (SHOCKED!) that Ealey doesn’t think Spikes should be suspended at all.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4619952

Oh wait, I’m not shocked at all. After all, why would someone get suspended for an attempted eye gouging that never really happened.

/Strumming fingers, waiting on the media to recant their hyperbole-driven antics. Holding breath …

@49 While the “research and academic fit” angle is certainly TX’s story, and they ARE sticking to it, does that imply that OU and Nebraska are better fits?

That does not change the truth of what you wrote. Still funny, though.

DHC…you’re turning blue….let it out man…LET IT OUT!

“But none of that diminishes the fact that the ACCCG has been poorly attended since its inception.”

@41 – You including the year it outdrew the SECCG? Just wondering.

Needed this laugh today. I think you forgot a category in the first pie chart, though:
The prentend college football fans who claim they will not watch a championship game if they don’t like the teams playing. Clearly not real fans.

PS: Please, please Crazy Old Testament God, don’t let it be Cincy/Boise.

To Coop re: #39 ….

If clemson truly truly truly is the big-time, national, bad-ass mofo of a football program …

Why all the anger toward lil’ ol’ pitiful Sakerlina?

The broader question as a Gamecock fan: Why is it that clemson fans seem to talk out of one side of their mouth regarding how crappy SC is lifetime …

Yet when you do win (which is more often than not for my tastes), it’s like you’re Texas and you just won the MNC in the Rose Bowl?

It’s a question that has vexed me for a while, as a fan of poor, sad lil’ Sakerlina.

Either we’re not as pitiful as clemson fans would lead you to believe, or you have your sights set WAY too low.

What is so funny is that unless you go to Berkley or Michigan or G Tech, 95% of the undergrad students at any large state school mirror any other any other large state school. Graduate school, different story, there is some significant differences in cash, but for undergrad, no difference. Do people honestly think that someone with a Chemical Engineering degree from Oklahoma is actually less intelligent than a UTexas student majoring is something mundane like philosophy or history?

@ gtne91:
" You including the year it outdrew the SECCG? Just wondering."
Sure, that was the first year, when it was all shiny and new and Florida State was palying in it. And it was the only year that it came close to selling out.

And then your attendance numbers started dropping at about 15% a year. Face it, JAX Municipal didn’t renew the ACCCG contract because you guys didn’t deliver the bodies. And that was probably because for two years in a row the contestants were old Big East teams.

meatybob @56 said:

 “there is some significant differences in…”

My point is left as an exercise to the reader, although the phrase “even funnier” should
figure in there somewhere.

@56

Yes they do, and I can’t tell whether you are pulling degree snobbery of engineering >> history or whatever.

Of course, for most big state schools the bulk of the most odious fans never even went there (I’m looking at you, Tennessee and Georgia).

meatybob, UT has Plan II for the more intelligent liberal arts majors. Google it up. And I knew of two dumb chemical engineering majors at UT (out of two total). Solve that stereotyping problem you got there.

@ coop – i will start with: maryland, seriously?

actually, we get a whiff of the SECCG and then fold under the pressure… but it is late into the season and Duke is in the running for ACC dominance… piss poor… Will clemson lose to just ponder or fall flat on their face against NCstate (who always plays a close game)?

are you sure about “revenge” in tampa… yeah you came back against GaTech at the beginning of the year, but they got scared by vandy so i don’t think they will fold… by the way, how did that loss to tech feel? you saw the glimmer of hope, just to be crushed (you’ll probably respond with our loss to UGA on that one…so i am stealing your thunder)?

atleast we have a reason for our delusions of grandeur, by going 5-1, you think you are going to win the MNC but always have 2 losses by midseason and one of those losses is to a crappy team…

your team also killed any chance spiller had of winning the heisman… that’s a shame cause i will say that he is exciting to watch…

Re: 38, 39, 55, 57, and 61 (so far) =

I offer you the state of South Carolina, ladies and gentlemen: two mediocre programs arguing over which one is the mediocrest. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to avert my eyes. Its beautiful in a tragically pitiful way, kinda like the end of Old Yeller.

Of course, as a Wake Forest man, I can only dream of having a rival that doesn’t consider me either (a) not really worth their ire or (b) their second favorite team. The jealousy consumes me…

True, any ACCCG with Wake or Miami in it isn’t going to get a lot of fans from those schools showing up, but the real problem is that neither Jacksonville nor Tampa is in ACC country (Tampa’s not even in the United States). Put the SEC championship in Cincinnati or Miami, and see how well you draw. Atlanta is the center of the SEC, culturally and geographically, and if the SEC had had any sense in the ‘70s, they would have let Tech back in instead of acquiring Sakerlina. Friggin’ Bear Bryant.

The ACCCG will sell out in Charlotte, just watch, unless it’s BC-Miami. Mississippi State vs. Kentucky wouldn’t sell out, either.

Oh, and excellent Sakerlina – Climpson slapfight. People don’t pay enough attention to that hatefest; it’s prime.

@ Golden Hand
I have to live with that Sakerlina-Climpson grudge match all year long. It is a thing of beauty.

As a transplant from West by god Virginia (and a Mountaineer alum) stirring them up and then egging them on is one of my guilty pleasures.

I went to Tech’s last acc championsip attempt in jacksonville… the sun does not shine on the acccg. It’s the most miserable event on this earth, and that’s not because, barring a look at general game-long dysfunction, we lost on a completion to the lesser talented Tereshinski brother (assuming you can call any Tereshinski talented).

Point being, I never ever want to physically go to another acccg again even if they put it in the georgia dome which is effectively in my backyard.

@Coop
So I should just schedule travel to watch Tech in the orange bowl then?

Well, if Marquette can be in the Big lEast, then why can’t Texas be in the Pac-10?

Except for the fact it’s closest conference brethren would be Arizona St. at 1,045 miles away.

Awesome. I needed those laughs.
But maybe the green section of the Paul Johnson graph should be infinitely small. About the same as Joe Cox’s chance for success, actually.

The green slice on the Paul Johnson chart is much too large.

I’m glad I am not the only one who imagines the SEC as foghorn leghorn.
“I say, I say there!”

Yes, Texas was at first interested in Pac-10 for the exact reasons that were mentioned, academics and research.
But geography and the fact that it required a unanimous decision by current Pac-10 members,
Stanford was the only school against having Texas in the conference, squashed that idea.
Afterwords Texas looked at joining the Big 10, but once again distance nixed that idea.
The SEC was the the third choice, but Texas felt that the academics and research were too low.
There was then some serious political posturing if both Texas and A & M left for the Big 8 without Tech and Baylor.
The whole story is here:

http://www.mysanantonio.com/sports/MYSA081405_1N_SWCcover_6f064a1d_html8520.html

As a Cal fan, if the Pac-10 were to expand I still think that Texas, despite of the Mack Brown politicking for the 2004 Rose Bowl, and A & M would be the best choice because of the academics and it maintains the tradition of each Pac-10 school having its main rival in the same state.

Dumbass alert @ 31:

“Why isn’t there the same fervor for a championship game within a conference as there is for a playoff vs. BCS? Why should the SEC, Big 12, and (cough, cough) ACC have to play a mini-tournament and the rest of the conferences don’t?”

Apparently you’ve never heard of the Pac-10, which plays a 9-team round robin (ie. every team plays every other team). Since going to this format, we have had very few controversies WRT which team is the champiopn by virtue of ALL the teams, you know, playing each other.

I take your one game “mini-tournament” and submit the real thing.

@63- “(Tampa’s not even in the United States).”
Seriously? I’m following where (i think) you’re going there, but it’s a bit of a bigger gateway than JAX. and, not so very much Nowhereville.
Sure, land there (one of the top-ranking airports by regular air travel folk- read: working wage slaves forced to fly a lot), and you’re an hour and a half away from MickeyTown (whose airport absolutely sucks, if you are an oft-air-traveling wage slave). ) Still, I can easily fly to any of the ACC’s member towns. It’s an international airport- not a municipal strip for rich private pilots.
Bottom line for the likes of the Outback Bowl is they had better find a Big 10 team to play a bowl game, ‘cause that’s where their money shows (Tampa is populated mainly by mid-west transplants, a la I-75 corridor)
disclaimer/info reveal: actually a Miami native; transplant to Tampa. not a CVB employee. have lived outside the state of FL, and outside of USA.

@ 71 AZDuck:

Do you really consider the Pac-10 to be a “9-team round robin?”

Surely you are aware that the rest of the country considers it to be a 3 team round-robin in a good year, right?

I mean, Oregon St. and Washington do something useful every few years, but let’s not pretend that the Pac-10 is terribly competiive.

Jax and Tampa are both terrible venues for the ACCCG because they are so far from all of the ACC teams except Miami and Free $hoes. Charlotte or Atlanta (if the SEC ever left Atlanta, even for a year, don’t doubt that it wouldn’t happen) will be much more successful venues.

Detente @74:

Pac 10 #9 beat Tennessee.

Not only do we rest our case, we stick our tongues out.

Sincerely,
The Pac 10.

HEY! How come Jonathan Crompton didn’t make the QB Ratings graph? Was hoping to see something like “Suddenly perky tits due to new Hello Kiffin-brand bra”.

@ E H

You can live in fantasy, I will choose to live in this world. Considering a 22 year old engineering grad at any run-of-the-mill state school with average grades will make 85K while liberal arts majors must start graduate school due to a lack of worthwhile problem solving and analytical skills, methinks the “stereotypes” match the realities.

I won’t even begin to discuss test scores.

philosophy majors have the highest composite GREs of any major. philosophy is not a soft major by any stretch of the imagination.

Hey kids, graduation is the starting line not the finnish line. Stop argueing about college coursework.

On another note, I agree with several others, Paul johnson does not care for any words coming out of anyones stupid mouth. I would change the green sliver to represent “Knowing if you really are that stupid!”

63:
State-Kentucky would sell out in a heartbeat.