That about sums it up in two and a half seconds.

Urban Meyer promised to have a very serious talk with Brandon Spikes re: his attempted eye-gouging of Washaun Ealey in the pile, meaning someone’s getting extra tiger meat on his plate at the training table this week. (Tiger meat: low in fat, high in protein and rage hormone, and great for lustrous beard growth.) There is no excuse for poking someone in the eyes, but there is context: Spikes got poked nastily in the eye in the first half, and Tim Tebow got a good gallon of saline blasted in his eye on the sidelines after something ended up in his eye earlier in the game. Chippiness was rampant on Saturday, and sometimes when you knock of a molecule of restraint off chippy, you get “maim-y.”

Texas couldn’t beat Alabama because there’s no Crimson Tide quarterback to knock out of the game. The BCS standings have Texas jumping Alabama right now in a meaningless one spot hop after their victory over Oklahoma State. It is meaningless because a.) Alabama and Florida would straighten out any nonsense in the top three in the SECCG, and b.) because no one wants a Florida/Alabama rematch for a national title game no matter how the computers rank things after a close SECCG. Craig James does have a point, though, when he says Texas is a more complete team. You should write down the date today, because Craig James had a point.

He can’t even park without destroying his blockers. Ndamukong Suh bounced off three cars on a cramped Lincoln street after Nebraska’s 20-10 victory over Baylor, damaging them and earning a negligent driving ticket for his efforts. Suh was going 25 mph or so in a 2003 Range Rover at the time and swerved to miss a “small cat or dog,” but the owners of the vehicles were said to be thankful Suh mitigated the damage by stepping into a car first. If he’d been running at full speed and bounced off the cars themselves, they would be total losses, most likely.

Beaten in every sense of the word. The good doctor’s piece on the numbers of the game adds ‘em up: no USC team has yielded anything close to the kind of yardage against anyone, even the Vince Young Texas team, and did all of their ghastly work on Saturday without the offense turning the ball over once. USC’s front seven was also beaten up in a very literal fashion during the epochal, era-ending beating in Eugene.

And there’s your 2.5 million mascot. You know, the one who sometimes appoints unqualified family members to positions of great importance, and is just sitting there because…um…yeah. Because you like writing huge checks for no reason whatsoever.