SAFETY ZONES ANNOUNCED FOR COKE ORGY

by Orson on Oct 29, 2009 5:15 PM EDT

The World's Largest Outdoor Coke Orgy will feature even more "safety zones" this year to help not just students, but anyone at all escape the carnage, cannibalism, random baby-punching, and wholesale slaughter commonplace at the Coke Orgy, where three people have died in the last ten years.* From the AJC:

The five "sideline student safety zones" outside the stadium are places where fans can get help -- any kind of help. "Maybe their phone has died or they’ve lost their group or they need directions or they need to take a nap. We have a bevy of services available," Langston said.

If the the safety zones are truly "safety zones," then the organizers of the Coke Orgy have done the worst thing they could have possibly done: turned the rest of the event into one huge DANGER ZONE. There's only one acceptable way to get to said DANGERZONE, and that is running one step ahead of the DANGER ZONE'S most initimidating resident, GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR.

Be sure to stay in front of him if you do make it, because falling behind him was the Moon's first mistake.

*We bet three people have died at the Kroger closest to our house in the past decade. Most likely in the dog food aisle, because there's no cell reception in that part of the store and it would be easy to get lost and stranded.

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How many moons were carelessly destroyed in the “filming” of that video? Sad

by Adam West's chauffeur on Oct 29, 2009 5:26 PM EDT reply actions

When I first saw that youtube a couple months ago there was only one question in my mind. WHEN, not if, is Orson going to use this on EDSBS?

by CincyJacket on Oct 29, 2009 5:28 PM EDT reply actions

Yes, this young lady and I would like to take a nap before kickoff. Could you have an ice bucket, highball glasses and a small mirror sent to my safety zone tent, please?

/slips volunteer $20 and requests wake-up call when teams take the field for warm-ups

by CA Dawg on Oct 29, 2009 5:29 PM EDT reply actions

“…or they need to take a nap…”
Who the fuck are they kidding? Just smoke a blunt to curb the effects of too much coke. That’s some amateur shit right there.

by BurritoBrosShits on Oct 29, 2009 5:30 PM EDT reply actions

Can’t wait, I shall be in the stadium, watching Timmy break that rushing TD record against UGA.

by Displaced Gator on Oct 29, 2009 5:31 PM EDT reply actions

“bevy of services” is slang for illicit activities, right?

by Wozzo the Wonder Dog on Oct 29, 2009 5:34 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks for the Kroger line, Orson. I needed a few tears of laughter instead of despair after reading Chris Brown’s Florida O-line breakdown on Dr. Saturday.

by Tim James on Oct 29, 2009 5:51 PM EDT reply actions

Ignignokt, Err, and the rest of the mooninites are going to be really pissed.

by Rusty on Oct 29, 2009 5:53 PM EDT reply actions

Unless you go to Murder Kroger on Ponce, I don’t want to hear it. That’s where real men go.

Hooray for Urban Pioneers!

by Silver Britches on Oct 29, 2009 8:18 PM EDT reply actions

Dear sweet Jesus, that was scariest hockey-stick-wielding, rocket-pack-wearing giant bear I’ve ever seen! Nearly shit myself when the he took out that satellite. WHY, GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR, WHY?!

by Another David on Oct 29, 2009 8:22 PM EDT reply actions

I have a niece at UAF. The only thing wrong with UAF is that they don’t have a football team. I would love to see the Gators play a home and home in Fairbanks though, just for the comedy.

by Crabapple Buck on Oct 29, 2009 8:44 PM EDT reply actions

Flying through space, destroying satellites both natural and man-made and disrupting star systems before raining down in fire, still with enough energy to throw shade upon rivals in Anchorage before ripping into the home arena to let the home crowd know what the fuck’s up? I may need to consider getting my next degree at UAF.

by Mason Dixon on Oct 29, 2009 9:35 PM EDT reply actions