LOU HOLTZ'S GUIDE TO UNIFORM NUMBERS
by Orson on Oct 28, 2009 1:51 PM EDT
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I don't know what it is about that number, but 73 always holds.
---Lou Holtz from Tuesday, Oct 27 broadcast of ECU/Memphis.
Men, you've got to have balance in your life. Your wife nags you, but she cares. Your dog might pee on the rug, but he just wants you to have better taste in things, that's all. Your butcher might short you on the spare ribs one day, but he's Finnish, and you can't darn well say anything about it because all Finns are ticking time bombs. What's that you say? That's not balanced, Dr. Lou? Neither is my butcher, but let's get to what we're really talking about here: offensive linemen.
Offensive linemen are like kumquats: surly, sour, and never doing the things you tell 'em to do. You tell em to block down and they pull. Tell 'em to pull, and they drive block. I'd have figured this out years ago, but I graduated last in a class of four people from my high school and the other three were sled dogs.
Every offensive lineman has something wrong with them, and you can tell by the numbers. Let's go, men.
50: Has delicate teeth.
51: Racist, even if they're black or some kind of Puerto-Spaniard Octaroon.
52: Afraid of spiders, especially if they have first names.
53: Disrespectful to clocks and watches.
54: Can only move to the right when the temperature falls below 40 degrees.
55: Gypsy-blooded. Always seeing something wrong with your roof.
56: Attracts cats and seagulls.
57: Chronic masturbators with germ issues. That's how your training staff runs out of rubber gloves when they need 'em most.
58: Snake Handlers. Every last one of 'em.
59: Votes Democrat.
60: Prone to distracting flatulence. Not the good kind that helps teammates bond, either.
61: Needs glasses but lies about it.
62: Homosexual. The fun kind who paints your house, though.
63: Colorblind and lactose intolerant.
64: Bookish and creative. Possibly homosexual. Be wary.
65: Hungarian and Jewish.
66: Always weighs exactly 276 pounds.
67: Can't whistle.
68. Debilitating nut allergy, the kind where no one else on the plane gets to eat peanuts. Terrible for team unity.
69: Addicted to pulp fiction and other degenerative fictional genres commensurate with smut. Possibly a beatnik when you're not looking.
70: Sweaty. Don't make 'em centers, or they'll leak on the ball like a Scotsman trapped between two pennies on the ground.
71: Girl with bandaged chest trying to prove herself to her well-meaning but overbearing father and brothers.
72: Crab person.
73: Always holds.
74: Has the Spanish Curse, and hasn't told his girlfriend.
75: Gave the Spanish Curse to 74.
76: Smells like cookies. Peanut butter ones, for the most part.
77: Rapist. There's one on every team.
78: Homosexual. The unfun kind who gossips behind your back and tried to get your players hooked on reefer.
79: Polish.
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That comment was a subtle jab at Mark May’s playing days. The Haughty Hater wore 73 for Pitt and the Redskins.
by Sam @ WWAHT on Oct 28, 2009 1:59 PM EDT reply actions
Seriously, Orson, this is the best you can do? I have a zit on my back that needs popping.
by You should go to Vanderbilt, son, you'll make more money on Oct 28, 2009 2:00 PM EDT reply actions
We’d do better for you Vandy boy, but then we’d have to charge you $40K a year for the service to make you feel at home.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 28, 2009 2:11 PM EDT reply actions
I was #73 in High School. Only got called for holding once…(not that I played much, but that’s besides the point :-P)
by ehrenb on Oct 28, 2009 2:14 PM EDT reply actions
That insouciant savant of a septuagenarian Dr. Lou is correct yet again.
I wore 73, and I held like a mofo. All linemen hold. Ergo, all linemen who wear 73 hold.
Now where is my BeneFiber cocktail?
by cockofAges on Oct 28, 2009 2:14 PM EDT reply actions
Fucking hilarious. Even if I did wear #79 and am Irish.
You can only be overrated in one thing. With Vandy it’s academics. The football program is pretty accurately valued.
by ohiodawg on Oct 28, 2009 2:15 PM EDT reply actions
“77: Rapist. There’s one on every team.”
Cant stop chuckling imagining Lou actually saying this on air.
….No, I was not #77.
by tzubear on Oct 28, 2009 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
#2, I thought this was funny as hell. To each their own, I guess. The upsetting part is that it’s not a far cry from the inane blathering we have to endure from Holth on a weekly basis.
by Bayou Bengal on Oct 28, 2009 2:21 PM EDT reply actions
@2 – I’ll bet you spent an hour trying to understand the joke. Then billed a client for it.
by GamecockTony on Oct 28, 2009 2:34 PM EDT reply actions
- - Actually, you are polish. Your mom is a liar (and a tramp).
by gtne91 on Oct 28, 2009 2:37 PM EDT reply actions
I wore 62, but always thought I was straight. Maybe THAT’s why I keep getting International Male catalogs at the house.
by Golden Hand on Oct 28, 2009 2:44 PM EDT reply actions
After you have seen Holtz turn magenta and cram another passenger’s bag into an overhead compartment with the litheness no 5’1", 97.5 pound corpse should possess, you can imagine anything…
by #50 on Oct 28, 2009 2:45 PM EDT reply actions
I wore #11 and i was a quaterback. Threw a game winning pick-6 and never saw the field again.
by Kevin@LSU on Oct 28, 2009 2:51 PM EDT reply actions
#15-
That would be a game-LOSING pick-6.
It even makes it sound worse.
by Irish_Wertzy on Oct 28, 2009 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
It’s nice to know that I’d have been #57 if I’d been born an endomorph.
by Biggus Rickus on Oct 28, 2009 3:00 PM EDT reply actions
Kevin, what was the kick-back on the cover like for you on that throw? A “winning” pick 6? Sounds like shady Louisiana shenannigans to me!
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Oct 28, 2009 3:07 PM EDT reply actions
I once scored four touchdowns in a single game for ol’ Polk High.
What? I thought we were all telling fictional stories about our high school prowess.
by Jack Fact on Oct 28, 2009 3:09 PM EDT reply actions
Kevin@LSU -
I didn’t realize Jarrett Lee wore #11 in high school, or that his alias was Kevin…
by Mr Dizzle on Oct 28, 2009 3:10 PM EDT reply actions
Well, thanks to my dad career in the cut-throat world of the tire business, i went to high school in ohio. being an advid hater of ohio state, i was on a short leash. i also “talked funny.”
…but the local paper’s headline for the game read “game-winning pick-6” so i always joked about throwing the game winner.
by Kevin@LSU on Oct 28, 2009 3:14 PM EDT reply actions
I can’t imagine Terrence Cody being really happy with this one . . . .
by DenverGregg on Oct 28, 2009 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
I call bullshit on 70. At no point in recorded history have two pennies dropped near a Scotsman remained on the ground long enough for him to get trapped between them.
by dc trojan on Oct 28, 2009 3:34 PM EDT reply actions
I led the team in tackles one game. Difficulty: I was a fullback. Our QB liked to toss them picks.
We weren’t very good at all.
by SafetyDan on Oct 28, 2009 3:40 PM EDT reply actions
High School Football: Where dreams of football stardom go to die.
by Kevin@LSU on Oct 28, 2009 3:45 PM EDT reply actions
Almost got thrown out of court for giggling uncontrollably. Again. I think this site may end my career.
by domer guy on Oct 28, 2009 3:51 PM EDT reply actions
I don’t know what the Spanish Curse is, but I’m pretty sure Lou Holtz has had it at least twice.
by Bujo on Oct 28, 2009 4:48 PM EDT reply actions
Guess who wore #77?!
Luckily, like most offensive linemen, I’m far too good-looking and intelligent to ever encounter a situation where the need to force myself upon a lady would arise. Totally talking out of my ass now, in case it wasn’t obvious.
And we’re all holding on every play. Duh.
by Big Jon on Oct 28, 2009 5:34 PM EDT reply actions
Very possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read here. Maybe its because that voice I hear in my head when I read can really nail Holtz’s diction and meter.
Oh and our #73 is always offsides
War Eagle Anyways
by TroutDog on Oct 28, 2009 5:53 PM EDT reply actions
Egészségedre to you, sir. Now I need to go buy myself a No. 65 Michigan jersey.
by Flop on Oct 28, 2009 5:57 PM EDT reply actions
note for Tim Tebow: the reason that Carl Johnson can’t block is because he’s a chronic masturbator. But your RT smells like cookies.
by bj on Oct 28, 2009 7:15 PM EDT reply actions
Dr. Lou shaid it, sho I believe it. I alwaysh knew there wazh shomething wrong with all thoshe offenshive linemen…
Now, I’ve you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to shingling my neighbor’s garage. Although I’m feeling a strange urge to just pick up and leave town…
by Go Big Rev on Oct 29, 2009 12:19 AM EDT reply actions
i wore #77 in high school.
i will say nothing more about this list except that from my vantage point it is exceedingly accurate.
by ed on Oct 29, 2009 8:25 AM EDT reply actions
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