Possession receivers, gutty linebackers, all-heart fullbacks, that one weird fast dude Iowa always pulls out of a cornfield, and kickers unite in mourning: Minnesota wide receiver Eric Decker will miss the rest of the regular season with a sprained arch in his left foot, presumably strained while running too fast and exceeding the factory specifications laid out in the Caucasian Model Owner's Guide. A moment of silence, please.
Decker takes his 758 yards receiving and 5 TDs full of wan brilliance with him, meaning the burden of being the foremost honky skill athlete falls predictably to running back Toby Gerhart, who even more predictably plays for Stanford, is majoring in management, and has a profile that does not mention any of the following words: "nimble," "fast", or "speed." Toby, you're our only hope now. Take strength as thousands of slow-footed but determined white athletes have before you: in the completely plausible Rocky 3 training montage's final sprint sequence.