HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S COACHES POLL BALLOT, WEEK EIGHT

by Orson on Oct 21, 2009 11:56 AM EDT

1. Suspenders. For the 39th week in a row.

2. Kansas. Liking the way that young man runs his football team. Even with that glandular disorder.

3. Mules. Loyal. Trustworthy. Cook up well if you know how to do it.

4. Cribbage. Underrated game. Won my first wife off Barry Switzer in a late night game once. I'd play it today if I wasn't afraid of being ruled by passion again.

5. Johnny Paycheck. Now that's a man who could write a love song.

Liked it so much we used it as our wedding song.

6. Turfman's Aerosol Scotch. Looks like breath spray. Hits like a shot. Relaxes you for stressful things like driving.

7. USC. That little hippie's got something going on out there, I tell you. Even if he dresses like a damn hoodlum.

8. Sock garters. When you show 'em, they wonder: "What do his knees look like?" Only a slattern gent shows his knees on the first date, though. Leave them wanting more with the garters. The knees are a man's vagina. Show them only when you mean business.

9. The seventeenth hole at Boca Lago golf course. Favorite place to relax. If you wonder why the grass is so green around the bunkers, well...that's the byproduct of all that relaxin' I been doing there.

10. Floatplanes. Best car I ever bought. Or the worst boat. Can't decide.

11. The stuffed corpse of Lee Marvin. Sitting in my living room as we speak. Best conversation partner I got.

12. Virginia Tech. I like a man with scars. Unless he's a man I gave those scars to, because it means I didn't finish the job. Speakin' of, I gotta go kill Frank Beamer now.

13. Cufflinks. The little signal lights indicating the profile of a great he-ship of the man-line.

14. Gladys at the Publix deli counter on 6th Ave. Watching her cut meat would make a Havanese rentboy go straight. Such forearms on that woman.

15. Haiti. If you're a street charcoal afficionado like myself you'll never have a better vacation. It's delicious stuff.

16. Washington Huskies. Fake Canadians? Sure. Good football team? As long as Don James is in charge, you bet they are.

17. Plaid. Scottish camouflage, but useful for all seasons because it takes any stain you can throw into it. Believe me. I've tried. You can throw up a Thanksgiving dinner and a flagon of scotch into it and wear it out without turning a head. The Stealth Fighter Technology of patterns.

18. Gold Bond Powder. Couple a snorts in the morning will put you in the right frame of mind.

19. The Lincoln Town Car. When it hits a pedestrian, they stay down. (I'm looking at you, Honda Accord.)

20. Banyan trees. They get me.

21. Sugarcane. Does double duty as a whoopin' stick and tasty summer treat.

22. The Florida Atlantic Owls. You have to believe in yourself, or no one else will.

23. Whittlin'. I like to start with a whole cow and keep carving away until I get the original shape I wanted.

24. The Samba. It's a lovers' dance, which is why I do it alone.

25. Leaving Las Vegas. They don't make lighthearted comedies like they used to, but this one's close.

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Comments

“Hits like a shot. Relaxes you for stressful things like driving.”

Jesus Christ. Hallucinatory fevers certainly do agree with you. Like the Marky M raps, these are somehow getting better each time.

“The knees are a man’s vagina. Show them only when you mean business.”

Well done.

by Gator Bone on Oct 21, 2009 12:04 PM EDT reply actions

I don’t mean to question Schnelly, but he’s whittlin’ wrong. The shape is already there, you just need to keep carving until that shape comes out of the cow.

by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Oct 21, 2009 12:09 PM EDT reply actions

Spencer was described on the most recent Solid Verbal podcast as ‘insane in a totally awesome way.’ This could serve as Example 1A in the case supporting it, well done indeed.

by BackyardBrawler on Oct 21, 2009 12:12 PM EDT reply actions

I’m not here to praise you. I am here to tell you that I had a coughing fit laughing at this.

by Joshua on Oct 21, 2009 12:14 PM EDT reply actions

I’m easy- I see that picture of that scalawag Schnelly, and start laughing preemptively.

by Jebus on Oct 21, 2009 12:18 PM EDT reply actions

The knees are a man’s vagina…..sigh

by sandman227 on Oct 21, 2009 12:20 PM EDT reply actions

Schnelly demanded a monocle for this picture, but settled for a pipe. The pipe fixins are not to be discussed.

by vegas_buckeye on Oct 21, 2009 12:25 PM EDT reply actions

Oh, shit. That Purple Drank, used strictly for medicinal purposes, is working for you. "The little signal lights indicating the profile of a great he-ship of the man-line. " I’m convinced I have broken something deep within myself.

by Harris on Oct 21, 2009 12:34 PM EDT reply actions

Speaking of killing a man, you might notice he is wearing Chris Schenkel’s ABC Sports jacket. He killed him because he wanted his favorite sportscaster’s jacket. as a keepsake.

by blazin on Oct 21, 2009 12:34 PM EDT reply actions

And people told me I was strange for masturbating with my knees. Now who’s the strange one, District of Columbia Police Department?!

by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on Oct 21, 2009 12:35 PM EDT reply actions

Howard! You are as a football gawd unto me.
Please come back to Louisville! They need you.

Welcome back, Orson.

by SC'Eer on Oct 21, 2009 12:43 PM EDT reply actions

Schnelly snubs Geritol again. I’m Outraged!

by cgb on Oct 21, 2009 12:45 PM EDT reply actions

YES! WE’RE #2! SUCK IT, HAITI!

…Wait, on second thought, that might not be such a good idea…

by KennyGregoryRockThaCradle on Oct 21, 2009 12:51 PM EDT reply actions

Damn…I need to start incorporating scotch and leather into more aspects of my life.

by Terry Bowdens Shoe Lifts on Oct 21, 2009 12:52 PM EDT reply actions

“Turfman’s Aerosol Scotch” – must add this to the Christmas list.

by Croc on Oct 21, 2009 12:56 PM EDT reply actions

I’m waiting for Unknown Hinson to make Schnelly’s Top 25.

by yoyofutbawl on Oct 21, 2009 1:03 PM EDT reply actions

Will Turfman’s Aerosol Scotch be a good fit with my active bi-planing lifestyle?

by PeteJayhawk on Oct 21, 2009 1:18 PM EDT reply actions

does Turfman make knife-proof ear muffs, not that Schnelly needs them of course – the lumps of gristle on the side of his heads would merely dull the blade.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fof0FeJgjnY

by ben hill gryphon on Oct 21, 2009 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

Doh, heads=head

but on second thoughts…..

by ben hill gryphon on Oct 21, 2009 1:23 PM EDT reply actions

On the one hand, a swine flu addled Orson clearly makes for better schnelly.

On the other, it turns Spencer into a beat writer covering Eastern Bloc Champions League soccer, like some
freaky alternate dimension where we are all kommrades.

http://www.sbnation.com/2009/10/21/1094959/champions-league-russian-roulette

by PodKatt on Oct 21, 2009 1:38 PM EDT reply actions

The mention of Johnny Paycheck reminds me of this little tidbit from his wiki page

“In 1985, Paycheck was convicted of shooting a man in Hillsboro, Ohio (after the man asked Paycheck to visit his home and try his deer meat and turtle soup). Paycheck reportedly responded, “Do you see me as some kind of hick?…I don’t like you,” and later fired a .22 pistol, grazing the man’s head with a bullet. Paycheck claimed the act was self-defense. He spent 22 months in prison and was pardoned by the Governor of Ohio, Richard Celeste"

Oh and this extra info per the New York Times

“Mr. Paycheck, best known for his song ‘’Take This Job and Shove It,’’ popular in 1978, showed no emotion when the jury’s verdict was read in Highland County Court of Common Pleas.”

Johnny Paycheck’s a stone cold sonuvabitch. Apparently Schnelly recognizes a kindred spirit when he hears one (although I think Howard would have accepted the invitation, THEN shot the man. As payment).

by NU Wildcat Offense on Oct 21, 2009 2:00 PM EDT reply actions

“I’d play it (cribbage) today if I wasn’t afraid of being ruled by passion again.” A man who knows his limits…whatever they are…

And Lee Marvin still speaks…honest.

by sb on Oct 21, 2009 2:31 PM EDT reply actions

Rah rah ree! Kick ’im in the knee!

Rah rah ragina! Kick ’im in the other knee!

by Cat on Oct 21, 2009 2:34 PM EDT reply actions

Mike Patrick is jealous ’Ol Howard is stealing all the face time with his own cabinet of wonders.

Great stuff Swindle!

9 days til TWLOCP

by Afletic Dawg on Oct 21, 2009 2:35 PM EDT reply actions

So many great tidbits in this piece I hope Orson becomes dependednt on his current medication.
The bit about Cribage is fantastic and refering to the knees as a mans vagina will not die here.

Honestly, i could live with this poll. I would love to see a matchup between #1 and #2 for the national championship. Mangino vs. suspenders can only end in a gruesome blowout.

by tzubear on Oct 21, 2009 2:35 PM EDT reply actions