…after extremely careful calculations (i.e. a hotel pad and some hasty chickenscratch) we have determined that the thirty dollars from yesterday’s offered apology bet goes to: Notre Dame over USC, straight up.

Mr Swindle, you’ll never regret this. Think of this as the first day of the rest of your life! You may have been unable to get into Notre Dame, but you’re not alone there: many people can’t realize their dream of going to Notre Dame thanks to its rigorous admissions standards and challenging curriculum. In fact, you may be surprised to learn many people most people make the mistake of never even applying to Notre Dame or visiting. This is clearly evidence that “the elected are sometimes the self-selected.” This is a line from my forthcoming motivational and personal growth series “Elect Yourself! Running For the Presidency of Your LIfe.” I have enclosed a copy for review, which would be great if you could do by next week, tweet to your followers, post on Facebook, and suggest to other writers and friends via social networking sites over the coming months. I am available for interviews immediately, but book now! When this thing takes off, you’ll want to be on the ground floor, just like you’ll be in old Notre Dame’s return to glory after betting on them Saturday.

Thank you, Tommy, for your endorsement, and for your terrible motivational book, which we will use for the golden chalice we purchase after raking it in when the Irish, playing with machetes, cut their way through the jungle grass in South Bend en route to a 3-0 win. Matt Barkley will be lost to the Trojans for three weeks when he becomes disoriented, is separated from the group, and lives off sprinkler water and stale popcorn until he is found by the grounds crew somewhere around the 30 yard line.