CURIOUS INDEX, 10/15/09

by Orson on Oct 15, 2009 7:37 AM EDT

Tulsa, your jibes never cease!

Boise is not a State, there is no spoon, and a Golden Hurricane is not a sexual act you ever want to perform with someone you have to look in the eye more than the one time you exchange glances after handing over a month's rent for the act itself. The Golden Hurricanes, coached by stock photo policeman Todd Graham, made a game of it after malingering around at 28-14 against Boise in the fourth.

This proves several things. It shows that our coaching mentor, the legendary Featherton "Salty" Coddpease, was right in his seventh maxim "When you cannot succeed, malinger, and hope it becomes contagious before hitting hopeless long passes at random to get back in the game." Tulsa floated face down in the water until the pool skimmer knocked them back into life, and G.J Kinne hit passes of 36 and 55 yards to Slick Shelley for the TD to make the game a 28-21 affair. Slick Shelley will, after hearing you just had sex with a beautiful woman, go and instantly have sex with the nearest anything woman, because a man named Slick Shelley has to be a samurai level cocksman with a lofty pelt count.

It will also likely prove that Boise is still running up high in the polls thanks to a heady blend of fantasy and misplaced idealism, since they will drop no spaces for running close to a team Oklahoma incinerated with their backup qb, and are still floating on a.) beating Oregon, and b.) the lingering "oh well, they're Boise so we all know they're the Fiesta Bowl team of 2006 waiting to happen all over again." We would hope less for this team facing a team of national import in a BCS game, and more for them facing Techs Georgia or Texas in a game so points heavy a line judge is hospitalized for dehydration.

Oooh! Univac drops his new joint on Sunday! The first 2009 BCS standings will come out Sunday. The likely pairing of Florida and Alabama at the top will generate thoughtful, incisive conversation about the extremely remote--like, Ceti Alpha V remote--possibility of an Alabama/Florida rematch after a hypothetical and still very much undetermined SEC Championship game. HA we kid: this will result in split, hair-trigger mad editorials vacillating between wild SEC homerism ("'Bout time we had a REAL game!") and frothy SEC antipathy ("Your public schools suck, hilljacks!") Our public schools do suck, by the way, but wily hours spent playing craps in the back of Spanish class with 27 year old black dudes not even enrolled in the school did teach us a proper understanding of risk management, explaining the go-for-broke enthusiasm of Southern investors and our scary familiarity with the music of the 3-6 Mafia and Young Buck.

HOLY SHIT ELTORO'S BACK. Just a reminder that the best-named JUCO in all of college football will likely return this week to Auburn after injury: Eltoro Freeman. Ole! We're almost as excited as Muppet Golden Tate over this. (Almost.)

You don't tackle him so much as push and yell "TIMBERRRRRR!!!" Florida had five sacks against LSU and hopes to do more of the same with their "Joker" package, the one where they get Major Wright, Will Hill, and Ahmad Black on the field at the same time, put a pencil on a table standing pointy end up, and slam a qb's head into it quickly. More strategically put: the Joker is Florida's 3-3-5 look with Justin Trattou at the nose, and against Ryan Mallett they hope to throw enough oddball blitzes at him to bring the radio tower of a qb down in their matchup this weekend. Please note that in this article they joke about Rennie Curran having to jump to sack Mallett. That's okay. Lions have to jump to take down water buffalo sometimes, and that usually works out pretty well.

Great cities of the world: Riyadh, Monaco, Dallas. If it's an important game, Clipper Cooper must have his staggering ten minutes at the podium. He has a Lexus 350 you can just take if you really, really must drive something so tawdry, peasants.

Bonus link at no charge: Bucky looks good in a cape, but like most badgers he needs no outfit to enjoy the sweet taste of fresh flowing blood, because badgers are really just burly, antisocial Scottish minks with a lust for ripping flesh and a deep commitment to the principles of the Enlightenment. (Theory: Scottish people actually evolved from badgers when their genes craved the unknown but promising concept of a deep fryer. Prove it wrong--WE DARE YOU.)

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Theory: Scottish people actually evolved from badgers when their genes craved the unknown but promising concept of a deep fryer. Prove it wrong–WE DARE YOU

this may not be true, but substitute “Cajun” for “Scottish” and it becomes fact

by WarChiziken on Oct 15, 2009 7:50 AM EDT reply actions

@ #1 No, no, da Cajun people come from da alligator, dem.

by Golden Hand on Oct 15, 2009 8:50 AM EDT reply actions

Boise isn’t a state. Interesting….Tulsa doesn’t have hurricanes.

by Not you on Oct 15, 2009 8:58 AM EDT reply actions

Muppet Golden Tate is psyched up! Why? He knows the best way to stop the incessant playing of the college football version of water torture.

http://www.siliconknights.net/images/media/tate.jpg

by Sean F on Oct 15, 2009 9:06 AM EDT reply actions

WIth respect to the Scottish remark, cue DC Trojan in 3. 2. 1.

by BamaTaxMan on Oct 15, 2009 9:24 AM EDT reply actions

I’ll have to wait 3 hours to hear from DC Trojan regarding the family tree. He will confirm or deny.

by Crabapple Buck on Oct 15, 2009 9:26 AM EDT reply actions

I don’t know that I’d use the word “burly.” Perhaps “marbled” might be more accurate. (That’s the beef lobby’s synonym for “fatty,” right?)

by dc trojan on Oct 15, 2009 9:38 AM EDT reply actions

Also: do badgers get more sociable upon application of Good King Alcohol?

by dc trojan on Oct 15, 2009 9:39 AM EDT reply actions

I will say this—Clipper Cooper knows Dallas….AND Longhorn fans.

by Charm Offensive on Oct 15, 2009 9:44 AM EDT reply actions

Ricardo Montalban (KHAN!!!) approves this post.

by Geaux Irish on Oct 15, 2009 9:55 AM EDT reply actions

Good call on Coach Graham, though a mustache would seem to be essential for the platonic cop.

Dallas sucks. Can’t Rick Perry get his wish and let Texas seceed?

by ohiodawg on Oct 15, 2009 9:56 AM EDT reply actions

Got to love a guy that steps on a joke with a hand written sign

by blazin on Oct 15, 2009 10:08 AM EDT reply actions

Theory: Scottish people actually evolved from badgers when their genes craved the unknown but promising concept of a deep fryer.

Guilty as charged.

And I hear Chizik’s recruiting a kid from Wetumpka named Elcamino Smith who can really fly.

by MaconDawg on Oct 15, 2009 10:33 AM EDT reply actions

ENIAC >> UNIVAC. What what?

by Wooderson on Oct 15, 2009 10:47 AM EDT reply actions

fuck todd graham, sneaky bastard agreed to a contract with tulsa in a toilet stall while in the middle of negotiations with rice.

by lovettowl on Oct 15, 2009 11:03 AM EDT reply actions

“explaining the go-for-broke enthusiasm of Southern investors and our scary familiarity with the music of the 3-6 Mafia and Young Buck.”

Man, I love me some Triple Six while amortizing!

by Philip on Oct 15, 2009 11:14 AM EDT reply actions

Orson, not sure if you have control over this but did you realize you had an advertisement for “ultra thin maxi pads” on this article? Is that some sort of Freudian slip?

by Touchdown74 on Oct 15, 2009 11:26 AM EDT reply actions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxFKtR-cXMc

by You should go to Vanderbilt, son, you'll make more money on Oct 15, 2009 11:28 AM EDT reply actions

Just out of curiousity, why “Golden Hurricanes?” They obviously don’t have hurricanes in OK. Plus, having gone through several hurricanes, I can assure you that they are not “golden.”

by hobeg8r on Oct 15, 2009 11:49 AM EDT reply actions

18 – They were named the “Golden Tornado” long ago (which is slightly more sensible… don’t understand the ‘golden’ bit, though), but then found out that Georgia Tech already had that name (which, they apparently did years ago..) and changed to Golden Hurricane because its Tulsa, because the “golden” half of the name was much more relevant to a school in Oklahoma than the “tornado” half.

(note: I learned the following from Wikipedia. I do not claim, or admit, to know so much about Tulsa myself)

by cantcatchuf on Oct 15, 2009 12:05 PM EDT reply actions

the rest of you upright badgers might enjoy this (NSFW)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrRXhnHkSLs&feature=related

and Orson is right, Scots fry everything… I have witnessed a personal pizza plunged into a fish n chip van’s frier – did a good job of soaking up the booze though

by ben hill gryphon on Oct 15, 2009 12:37 PM EDT reply actions

I hope someone told the dumb ass Tulsa fans that the “State” stands for a state school, as in not a private school; they must not have pay the tuition bills

by wholeNole on Oct 15, 2009 1:04 PM EDT reply actions

To be a proper deep fried pizza, it should be dipped in batter first, then deep fried, then eaten with brown sauce.

Mmmmmmmmmm to the chip shop . . .

(in my defence it is 6.30 pm here.)

by Not a Fifer on Oct 15, 2009 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

Theory: Scottish people actually evolved from badgers when their genes craved the unknown but promising concept of a deep fryer.

This possibly sheds some light on why haggis is the Scotish national dish. I can imagine semi-evolved badger-men going for the entrails and bits wrapped up with oats and cooked in the stomach of a sheep. I had some once in Edinburgh. Tasted like crap but it sure did provide a good belly-sponge to soak up the whiskey.

by SC'Eer on Oct 15, 2009 1:58 PM EDT reply actions

@ben hill gryphon – that’s a sight to see, isn’t it? I remember seeing that for the first time in the early 80s I think and it blew my mind even then. I maintain that deep-frying pizzas was the Ur-event for frying anything.

@Not a Fifer – stop it, just stop it. Now I’m craving a pie and chips with an Irn Bru to wash it down. Dammit.

@SC’eer – oddly, there’s some high end versions of Scotland’s poor folks food. It can be good. But I strongly suspect that the combination of “waste not, want not” and “christ I’m plastered” are why haggis endures.

by dc.trojan@gmail.com on Oct 15, 2009 2:10 PM EDT reply actions

I do like the mental image of one giant, room-sized BCS computer being fed punch cards by men in white coats and spitting out nonsensical results on ticker tape.

BEEP BEEP DIVIDE BY TULSA ERROR BOISE STATE = NUMBER 5 PLEASE REBOOT SEASON

by Ancient Chinese Secret on Oct 15, 2009 3:38 PM EDT reply actions