VANCE CUFF OF GEORGIA LONGS TO JOIN ALLEY PEOPLE

by Orson on Oct 14, 2009 11:00 AM EDT

The underworld holds a certain romance for some people. We do not mean the criminal underworld, but instead the literal one, like the one depicted in Jean-Luc Besson's movie Subway, where Besson took Jean Reno and made the poor man wear an Outback hat and safari suit while playing in the worst "rock music as the French imagined rock music in the 80s, and we don't mean Stereolab." It's a moment of extreme cruelty, and the sensitive may want to shield their eyes.

Subway follows the exploits of those living in the Paris Metro, a subculture of misfits, artists, social outcasts who do outrageously French things like walk around filthy sewers wearing avante-garde fashion and holding flourescent light bulbs for hours at a time. You're not really supposed to be down in les egouts, but that's the point, just like you're not supposed to be in alleys in Athens, Georgia. Okay, rephrase: just like you're not supposed to every come out of an alley in Athens once you go into said alley. There, that's better.

Georgia junior cornerback Vance Cuff was arrested Tuesday by university police on misdemeanor charges of having a suspended license and emerging from an alley.

We have no idea what Vance Cuff was doing going into an alley in the first place, but we can only assume it was to find his lost love, trapped by the cruel vagaries of poorly written civil code with the lovable, filthy outlanders who live in the alleys, forming terrible rock bands, making filthy love in the dumpster suites they've constructed from what "society" can't use, and smelling artfully horrible. If that is what he was doing, then fight on, Vance. You remain a lonely but brave voice for those afraid of paying the fifty, possibly seventy-five dollar fine to emerge from those alleys, in addition to the suspended license charge.

That charge doesn't matter either, though, right Vance? The courageous need no license for anything, something those people who see the sweet freedom of the sun every day won't understand like the alley people do. Keep up the fight, brother. One day the big men in City Hall will pay for what they've done, and they'll pass a law cutting through the bonds of alley-based prejudice as swift as a Jonathan Crompton pass through your secondary. Until that day, though: don't let the bastards grind you down, warrior.

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Comments

It’s a shame this didn’t happen in the offseason. Just curious what kind of Fulmer Cup points you get for “emerging from an alley”. Clearly the mystery of not knowing why he went in the alley must carry multiple points.

by beerbaron on Oct 14, 2009 11:23 AM EDT reply actions

“…forming terrible rock banks…”

I put my life savings in a rock bank. I took for granite the low rate of return, getting only pebbles on the dollar.

by Cat on Oct 14, 2009 11:26 AM EDT reply actions

This is exactly what the Dawgs have been missing. Odell Thurman would not have stood for an offseason without a suspended license charge. When the streets of Athens (and alleys) are unsafe, a UGA resurgence is sure to follow. Thank you Vance Cuff for finding the path back to glory….

by Statesboro Dawg on Oct 14, 2009 11:27 AM EDT reply actions

I’m surprised he wasn’t charged with “being black in an alley” or “walking with a nefarious gait”

by Bourbon Dawgwalker on Oct 14, 2009 11:32 AM EDT reply actions

I admit that I was intrigued by the alleyway charge. According to the campus police who arrested him, the fact that he was riding a motorscooter on a sidewalk (oh no, a motorscooter) led the campus cop to charge him with the alleyway violation. I can only suppose that they don’t have a specific charge against riding your motorscooter on a sidewalk. Damn you, Georgia legislature, for not doing more to protect your citizens.

Your version of the events is much better.

by hobeg8r on Oct 14, 2009 11:44 AM EDT reply actions

We’ve got the worst luck-If it was raining pussies we’d get one with a dick already in it.

by nosleevesdawg on Oct 14, 2009 11:52 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs

Come on… cut the kid some slack. He was just enjoying a cute spaghetti dinner for two with his girlfriend. Who I hear is a real “fox”.

by GamecockTony on Oct 14, 2009 12:00 PM EDT reply actions

Well, that’s a relief. I was worried that with the Athens-Clarke County PD cutbacks, all sorts of ATM pissers and alley emergers would be free to roam the streets of my alma mater, but damned if the University cops will stand for that.

by JoeDawg on Oct 14, 2009 12:05 PM EDT reply actions

The campus police at UGA are the only people in Athens trying to regulate the positioning of our defensive backs.

by CanuckDawg on Oct 14, 2009 12:36 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs

Once again, this offense involves a motor scooter. UGA must hold the FBS record for players getting arrested using an alternative means of transportation.

by NFLmentality on Oct 14, 2009 12:57 PM EDT reply actions

How dare you blaspheme the Code!? Somehow it allows for whatever passes for “civil society” in Louisiana.

by Robert on Oct 14, 2009 1:19 PM EDT reply actions

Hold it a minute. Stereolab is pretty awesome. Excellent album art, too. And I don’t mean to sound like a d-bag pitchfork troll (which means I’m ’bout to), but I think they are more properly considered a British band – from the 90s – whose lyrics are often in French. And they are about as rock-n-roll as my great granny (who was whiskey on ice country BTW). Now back to football.

by haveagreatday on Oct 14, 2009 1:27 PM EDT reply actions

Canuck Dawg,

That is sad but true. And by sad, I mean hysterical. Vance could have out run the guy, but I’m sure the office either gave him a hard ball fake, or just ran him down off of a naked bootleg.

by Baxley_Dawg on Oct 14, 2009 2:14 PM EDT reply actions

the good news for georgia fans is that in order to avoid any future scooter-related troubles, cuff immediately put his scooter up for sale and purchased alternate transportation: a used brown 1988 chevy caprice from its previous owner, a mr. marquis elmore. so, everything’s going to be ok.

by ed on Oct 14, 2009 2:19 PM EDT reply actions

The last time I went into an alley in Athens it was to take a piss.
Luckily all I got was a ticket for littering (later that night).

by Kecalf Baily on Oct 14, 2009 3:34 PM EDT reply actions

@ 5:

Athens, GA / UGA cops. ’nuff said.

Sounds like a DWB though iyam.

by On a scooter, on campus... on Oct 14, 2009 3:52 PM EDT reply actions

I was kind of hoping that clip would end with Reno cutting off Lambert’s head to claim his immortal energy. Because, if there can Be Only One, I’d rather it be Jean Reno than Christopher Lambert.

by Eric on Oct 14, 2009 5:59 PM EDT reply actions

I’m still trying to figure out what’s wrong with the drum solo, except for the left hand crash cymbal going over. Is this some kind of post-modernist humor where you don’t expect the guy to play well yet he does?

I’m over 50; sue me.

by An 'eer with a Beer on Oct 14, 2009 9:05 PM EDT reply actions

Actually, it’s not even an alley, but the road that runs between the euphonius Butts-Mehre Building and Foley Field, the baseball stadium. That road, which runs past buttsmear and along the practice field, has been closed since shortly after the ASU game, presumably so whatever work they’re doing on it can be completed during the block of away/ bye/ “c’mon Marky get your whoopin’” weeks between then and Tennessee Tech. I can’t think of a single alley along the entire length of Rutherford Street, but neither does it surprise me that the cops around here don’t know what an alley is.

by PrinceLightfoot on Oct 15, 2009 3:30 PM EDT reply actions