DR. LOU: FRAME BY FRAME

by Orson on Oct 9, 2009 10:55 AM EDT

Dr. Lou needs the kind of deep, piercing analysis only EDSBS can provide. Watch last night's here, and then join the breakdown below.

Thank you, homely black girl, for your football question.

Men! Lou Holtz, in case you have not noticed, has tremendous hands, albino tarantulas that flap at the end of his wrists like meaty windmills during the dialogue. Here is he stating that LSU has won "two national titles in the past ten years." Lou Holtz, in addition to being ape-handed, is also bad at fractions.

Lou Holtz also insisted last night the Tim Tebow Towel is too small to properly shower with, a matter of personal opinion, since Dr. Lou likes to really luxuriate in his baths and then emerge, pink and pruny like a great, giant-handed infant, into the warm embrace of a fluffy bathrobe and towel whipped around his head lady-style. Actually, we're imagining this right now, and he looks like our grandmother did padding around the kitchen in the morning. She's dead now, but unlike Lou, she did not rely on steady injections of fetal bone marrow for survival.

Lou Holtz carries around a deck of cards. Of course he does. First, he does the whole deck as pushups depending on the card like the guys in Generation Kill. Keeps the manboobs perky and the ladies sweating. Second, he likes to hook rubes in backalley games of three-card-monte. You're laughing until you saw the safe house it bought for him in Guadalajara, so don't snicker, sonny boy. Third, he keeps the ace of spades for himself, because if you like to gamble, we tell you Lou's your man, you win some, lose some, it's all the same to him.

AND NOW CARDS RAIN FROM THE SKY. Thanks, dick. Someone's got to pick those up now. Also, it's a great idea to remind players just how badly a team beat you last year just prior to walking out. These men played you last year like grown professionals cockslapping a team of Pop Warner brats who just ran out of juiceboxes. In most states it would have qualified as a sex crime and an assault, but in Florida that's considered foreplay. I'm sure that will change tomorrow. LET'S GO.

Sometimes it takes years to realize someone's insanity. You know someone for years, interacting with them on a daily basis for months on end, and never suspect it until one day a third party says "You know she's never forgiven you for not writing a thank you card." And you think, "Really? For a Starbucks' gift card for my birthday? The spoken thank you wasn't enough?" Then, from that point on, you move around them like they're seconds from stabbing you with the nearest sharpest implement, because their inner crazy has been unveiled in all its glory for you to see, and you can never sit in peace with them for longer than a careless instant ever again.

Some people hide it for years. Lou Holtz, unleashed in front of a camera in a hypothetical dramatic roleplaying situation, takes about 16 seconds to unveil his. In that sense he may be the most honest man on television. He can't even hide the hideous bandaid he has on his gigantic index finger, the one he waggles at the camera when he really wants to make a point. The three gestures Lou Holtz relies on:

1. Finger-wag.

2. Double Karate Chop (hands six inches apart)

3. Arms Spread Wide for emphasis (aka the Fuck You I'm An Anteater Pose.)

Holtz finishes the segment by flubbing Les Miles' "Have a Great Day" motto from his 2007 SEC Championship presser by saying "Have a nice day," which only accentuates the loopy, insane charm of a Lou Holtz pep talk. He had to screw that up, almost as surely as he cut the tip of his index finger on a meat-cutter in his weekday job at a Deli Counter Worker at Kroger. You never know where your next meal is coming from, and that something Lou learned the hard way during the Boxer Rebellion. "Oh, those Koreans. Such passionate, easily riled people!"

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Comments

I think Lil’ Wayne been smokin’ them tweeds.

by ALGator on Oct 9, 2009 11:07 AM EDT reply actions

I see ESPN has finally invested in a cage capable of containing Dr. Lou.

by cgb on Oct 9, 2009 11:08 AM EDT reply actions

Lil’ Wayne is a fan of just about every college football team that relevant at that moment.

by Kevin@LSU on Oct 9, 2009 11:08 AM EDT reply actions

I was in bar drinking my sorrows away after the Cardinal game last night and watching the Mizzou game when this came on. I thought someone had slipped GHB into my Budweiser when I saw Lil Weezy introducing that senile old man wearing an LSU shirt.

What has the world come to????

by haybeav on Oct 9, 2009 11:23 AM EDT reply actions

According to ancient Notre Dame Lore, Lou used to do magic tricks at recruits homes during recruiting trips. Apparently, they were a big hit. Worked for Jerome Bettis (that, and Barry Switzer’s cocaine cowboys imploded the year Mr. Bettis was a high school senior).

by Joe on Oct 9, 2009 11:24 AM EDT reply actions

Boxer Rebellion? Korea? I suppose the Germans are getting ready to bomb Pearl Harbor again.

Actually, Lou missed the Boxer Rebellion. He was busy with Lord Kitchener fighting against the Whirling Dervishes at Omdurman.

by yoyofutbawl on Oct 9, 2009 11:27 AM EDT reply actions

I know how that “Tebow Towel” can be useful…Holtzth lisped and spit so much it came through the monitor. I gotta wipe my face now.

by the ex-croominator on Oct 9, 2009 11:29 AM EDT reply actions

That’s lil’ wayne?

Oh, he sounded a little… taller on the radio.

by Unhappy Monkey on Oct 9, 2009 11:34 AM EDT reply actions

Watchin Granny Clampett makes me want to put my head in an oven.

by DrB on Oct 9, 2009 11:36 AM EDT reply actions

Nice zipper shirt Wayne, really dresses up the Hanes.

by fluffy_bunny_feet on Oct 9, 2009 11:45 AM EDT reply actions

His hands only look big in comparison to his tiny head. Have you seen him in an adjustable baseball cap? It’s cinched up so much the hole in the back looks like a sphincter.

Tiny, tiny head.

by fuddmain on Oct 9, 2009 11:51 AM EDT reply actions

Look at that, Vivian Stringer has questions for Dr. Lou.

by fluffy_bunny_feet on Oct 9, 2009 12:13 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks for the Motorhead reference. I wonder, would a Lemmy cameo in Dr. Lou up the level of crazy or not?

by hudgator on Oct 9, 2009 12:15 PM EDT reply actions

This has to be the year that Mark May strangulates Dr. Lou, right?

by BDoc on Oct 9, 2009 12:27 PM EDT reply actions

The “Boxer Rebellion/Koreans” line was set up as a Dr. Lou quote, IOW, insane.

Now here’s some pliers to get that hook out of your lip.

by An 'eer with a beer on Oct 9, 2009 1:23 PM EDT reply actions

Wow, in no way what-so-ever would that get me pumped up…. In fact I may just jump up and punch him in the face

by rtrftw on Oct 9, 2009 1:39 PM EDT reply actions

I’m not sure Dr. Lou is insane…more like he is enabled by age and appearance to say anything that drops onto his tongue with impugnity…think of the satisfaction one could obtain by letting that shit flow on national television…anything that comes to mind…anything…

by sb on Oct 9, 2009 1:41 PM EDT reply actions

@bdoc-
there is no winner in said situation.

well, maybe if a ceiling light mysteriously uncouples and breaks may’s vacuous noggin right open.

i bet the inside of mark mays head in this scenario looks like the inside of the one rotten pistachio in the bag.

by jd on Oct 9, 2009 1:51 PM EDT reply actions

He duped me last night into thinking he’d do two magic tricks. First with the towel, then with the cards. Touthay, Dr. Lou. Touthay.

Also, @haybeav – That Cardinals game was rough last night. I’m still drinking whiskey to drown the sorrows.

by mr dizzle on Oct 9, 2009 2:08 PM EDT reply actions

@19

I’ve never felt so physically ill after a game. I don’t think either of the teams that I follow (Bama and the Cards) have come so close to winning a big game, and let it slip through their hands.

I’ve only had the same feeling two other times:

Last year’s lose in the SEC Champ game and game 1 of the 2004 World Series

by haybeav on Oct 9, 2009 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

+100 cases of illegally transported Coors to you, sir.

by The Agent on Oct 9, 2009 3:26 PM EDT reply actions

1) Lil Wayne luvs dat purple!

2) Seeing Lou in LSU attire is my version of dutch cartoons making fun of Islam.

by MCab on Oct 9, 2009 7:47 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks, The Agent. Me and Little Enos Burdette have been waiting for them since 1977

by Unhappy Monkey on Oct 9, 2009 10:27 PM EDT reply actions

Those cards…never came down.

by Beef on Oct 10, 2009 12:03 AM EDT reply actions

Red suits are pushup/chest exercises, black suits are lower body/ab exercises. Jokers are a 1 min break. Diamonds are “diamond” pushups—hands close together. Face cards are sets of 10, Aces are 15.

Run through the deck twice, and your poker habit will be broken. Generation Kill rocked, watched it a couple of weeks ago. The dialogue is pretty darn near what I listen to every day here in Afghanistan—take out the direct fire, substitute with the occaisional car bomb, and stir and pour over ice.

by Nate on Oct 10, 2009 1:01 AM EDT reply actions