FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: NEBRASKA AT MISSOURI

by Orson on Oct 8, 2009 4:26 PM EDT

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Nebraska at Misouri. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game--the real beginning of your scheduled weekend leisure units, worker #383929--and the five factors determining victory with absolute scientific certainty...certainty that the Factor Five will predict victory in the other direction. Or not, as evidenced by the Factor Five's 3-2 record this year, either a sign the randomness is becoming even randomness, or the Factor Five is about to go on a strong streak of breaking counterintuitively correct.

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity.

Nebraska offers little data to speak of in the direction of solid numbers thanks to games against Arkansas State, Florida Atlantic, University of Louisiana-Lafayette, and one sluggo matchup versus Virginia Tech. The matchup against Virginia Tech exposed Nebraska as being subject to random passes from scrambling quarterbacks somehow finding scrambling receivers in the endzone, a weakness shared by every other team in Division One football. The other salient factoid from their only matchup against a quality team: Nebraska did manage to rush the ball successfully against the Hokies, going over 200 yards on the day. Mizzou has been decent against the run, but Nebraska looks more like the mudder here, even with Tigers LB Sean Weatherspoon cracking heads and singing sweet melodies from his linebacker spot.

The Mizzou stat of interest is the young Blaine Gabbert's exceptional INT total to this point: zero in four starts, something he could continue tonight versus a Nebraska defense that bends, but does not break. The Huskers have allowed only 3 TDs in the redzone, meaning you could see some very soggy field goals from Mizzou tonight.

Advantage: Nebraska. When you're muddin', take the biggest truck you can find. That would be Roy Helu, Jr of Nebraska.

Nebraska, You've Been Factor'd!

Category Two: Mascot: Nebraska relies formally on Herbie Husker, a jut jawed farmboy who looks like Terri Hatcher after a robust sex change operation and extensive hormone therapy. He has large feminized eyes, the kind of chin one can only get via a genetic condition, and large, feminine eyes you can stare into for days. If he succeeds in his plan to kidnap you and keep you in his crawlspace.

Can you help me carry these books to my Volkswagen over there? I hurt my arm...

The other Nebraska mascot is Lil' Red, a horrid vision from the deepest reaches of hell. If you animated the Ugly Kid Joe logo, then killed him and allowed him to reanimate and walk the earth as a vengeful wraith herking and jerking towards his bloody destiny, that is what Lil Red would look like. We are 33 years old and would run screaming from him if he confronted us. Stabbing him only makes him stronger.

Truman the Tiger is an inoffensive Garfield caricature modified to avoid copyright violations. Since he does not remind us of hellspawn, he wins by default.

Advantage: Mizzou.

Missouri, you've been factor'd!

Category Three: Aura. Mizzou has been a terrible place for Nebraska in the post-Osbourne Juggernaut era, with Nebraska losing four straight there after years of rolling in, setting fire to every living thing, and then politely urinating on the ashes before leaving. There is a rivalry here, and one swaying psychologically towards Missouri even with a freshman quarterback and a driving rain forecast. Missouri is also not the team coming off a nut-crushing loss to Virginia Tech and playing in front of a lively and likely rain-soaked crowd in Missouri. We know how we'd stay warm in 45 degrees and pouring, and it would be by just that: pouring, and covering ourselves in a raincoat made of false, boozy warmth. That also tends to make for loud stadiums.

Advantage: Missouri.

Missouri, You've Been Factor'd!

Category Four: Names.

Missouri: Charles Brockway (Sounds like the star of a forgotten B movie like "Preacher with a Shovel"), Forrest Shock.

Nebraska: Menelik Holt (IM-HO-TEP! IM-HO-TEP!), Brent Qvale (extra points for non "q-u" combo,) Faron Klingelhoefer, Ndamukong Suh (First name means "HOUSE OF (FUCKING) SPEARS,")

Advantage: Nebraska, thanks to Suh.

Nebraska, You've been factor'd!

Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? Advantage, Nebraska all the way thanks to the four game streak and Bo Pelini doing things like delaying the blackshirts until the defense earns them. If anything gouges Nebraska as much as their abysmal results against ranked competition, it is losing to teams they used to annihilate like the Tigers.

Nebraska, you've been factor'd!

EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 3-2, NEBRASKA You've Been Factor'd! This should mean to bet the other way given the dismal track record of the Factor Five Five Factor Preview to predict anything at all in any way whatsoever in the past, but at 3-2 right now, the Factor Five is not even an aid in predicting who won't win. As always, we're here to help, just like Herbie Husker, who no, why would you suggest he has a crowbar in his hand, little lady?

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Comments

Does the “Factor” say anything about an O/U of 50, by chance?

by GamecockTony on Oct 8, 2009 4:38 PM EDT reply actions

So, will a LiveBlog be in order for the game tonight.

by Kevin@LSU on Oct 8, 2009 4:50 PM EDT reply actions

The FFFFP is much, much more accurate than the Holtz-May Retardation Tandem. Maybe Orson should get a segment as “Professor Swindle” and talk about his predictions for the Thursday night game.

by wfguiteau on Oct 8, 2009 4:56 PM EDT reply actions

Not unless you bet against the Dyseptic Duo, who have a 3-17 record over the last two weeks.

Separted at birth – Looouuuuth & Sylvester The Cat. Tsuffering Tsuccotash.

by yoyofutbawl on Oct 8, 2009 5:05 PM EDT reply actions

Nebraska has not lost 4 straight at Mizzou. They won 34-20 in Columbia in ‘06. But, anywho, it will be a different game tonight for young Mr. Gabbert, a former NU commit. He’ll find out this defense aint Illinois or Furman even without the Blackshirts.

by Brizzle on Oct 8, 2009 5:07 PM EDT reply actions

@1 take the “u”. Both teams will take the field via ark, given the rains they’ve had down there today.

And I can’t let the name Factor go by without mentioning Prince Amukamara (pronounced ah-moo-kuh-mara, and we know because the NU website has to help us Midwesterners with words longer than three syllables). Fear da Prince!

by Flatlander on Oct 8, 2009 5:07 PM EDT reply actions

My bad. That one was in Lincoln. D’oh!!!

by Brizzle on Oct 8, 2009 5:09 PM EDT reply actions

Missouri, meet a decent defense
Nebraska meet a defense similar to the sunbelt teams you’ve romped so far.

Huskers smoke the kitties in this one.

by der schatten on Oct 8, 2009 5:11 PM EDT reply actions

Mizzou hasn’t won 4 in a row in Columbia, but the last time Nebraska won there was 2001. Mizzou won Columbia matchups in ’03(41-24), ’05(41-24), and ’07(41-6). The ’06 loss was in Lincoln.

by Micah on Oct 8, 2009 5:52 PM EDT reply actions

I have to say, I get more of a Tigger™ vibe off Truman than Garfield. But I guess it’s not safe to mention Disney characters by name without risking a major lawsuit, so Garfield it is.

/Sorry about the lawsuit

by Golden Hand on Oct 8, 2009 6:20 PM EDT reply actions

You’re saying that Herbie Husker has large feminized eyes AND large, feminine eyes?! One set of emasculated eyes is scary enough, really, but two sets of chick-eyes is truly hellish. I will stare at them for days only when I descend into my rightful place at the right hand of our dark lord Beelzebub.

by Jim Bob Cooter on Oct 8, 2009 6:28 PM EDT reply actions

Mountain Mud Stains?

What does Dan Hawkins have to do with this?

by JL on Oct 8, 2009 6:50 PM EDT reply actions

Lil Red in person is 31 flavors of awesome. He’s got that Ecstasy pinned grin all over his face and he scoots along on his head, vibrating like he’s got a Hot Shot in his ass.

A great and disturbing dirigible of a mascot.

by Barking Carnival on Oct 8, 2009 6:54 PM EDT reply actions

Personally, I see no reason why Nebraska doesn’t scare the sh*t out of everybody and simply adopt Lil Red as their official mascot and name sake. Then in the vintage New England Patriots style, have of the sides of each helmet ‘Lil Red’ hiking the football. That or a docile Lil Red like the Bills’ helmets of yesteryear. Not to mention a 30 yd by 30 yd image of his countenance in the middle of the field. Hey, Dallas has its star, we have the devil.

by meatybob on Oct 8, 2009 7:07 PM EDT reply actions

If Nebraska would adopt Lil Red’s cold, icy, serial killer demeanor, Nebraska would be unstoppable.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Oct 8, 2009 8:29 PM EDT reply actions

How the hell could you miss PRINCE AMUKAMARA for Nebraska?

HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW ?

by corn blight on Oct 8, 2009 8:36 PM EDT reply actions

It is raining like an MFer at this game. In case no one had tuned in.

by JD on Oct 8, 2009 9:31 PM EDT reply actions

The game so far is about as ugly as the weather…

by Bob Cousy on Oct 8, 2009 9:40 PM EDT reply actions

Nebraska’s special teams unit is truly “special.” Two terrible snaps by the punter equals shank punt and a safety. Two returns equals a turnover after the ball hitting the foot of a blocker and nearly another turnover by a muffed catch. Well done Huskers!

by Bob Cousy on Oct 8, 2009 9:51 PM EDT reply actions

JD- I’m watching it. and, FINALLY!- a touchdown. oh wait- it’s halftime. yawn.
good thing I have some contract work I should be doing anyway.
oh wait- it’s a BIG review, per the ESPN crew. hmmm….

by TampaGatorGal on Oct 8, 2009 10:33 PM EDT reply actions

Is Gary Pinkel by any chance related to Les Miles? Those ballsy coaching moves always look great…when they work.

by Stagecoach on Oct 8, 2009 10:38 PM EDT reply actions

Remember folks, it’s only the ACC that’s boring.

by I'm A Lasagna Hog on Oct 8, 2009 10:40 PM EDT reply actions

Lou Holtz- After that flurry of saliva and terrible metaphors, I am so hyped I could explode. Excuse me while I go throw furniture off the roof.

by RAW on Oct 8, 2009 11:01 PM EDT reply actions

Well this is just about a cripple fight!

It seems like Gabbert is just determined to throw a pick 6 in the second half.

Never saw the spread on this game. Seems either vaguely suspicious or mildly retarded.

On the other hand, Nebraska seems to have enlisted the help of their own recruit from the short bus league.

by General Disarray on Oct 8, 2009 11:43 PM EDT reply actions

OK, so the shortbus QB just heaved a TD. Now we got a game of sorts . . . .

by General Disarray on Oct 8, 2009 11:44 PM EDT reply actions

yes, General, now we got a game of sorts! hey, something to watch (as I work on an html email campaign. blah)
yeah, college futbaw

by TampaGatorGal on Oct 8, 2009 11:49 PM EDT reply actions

Ok, the shortbus finally pits for rain tyres and it looks like the race is well in hand.

/F1 joke
//hates F1 racing
///hates NASCAR as well

by General Disarray on Oct 8, 2009 11:52 PM EDT reply actions

Suh is a beast!! Bullshit horsecollar penalty!!

by Brizzle on Oct 9, 2009 12:12 AM EDT reply actions

Gabbert looks like he’s soiling himself every time he drops back and sees the pressure coming at him.

by JD on Oct 9, 2009 12:16 AM EDT reply actions

Twenty total penalties for 208 yards. Ay chihuahua.

by Harris on Oct 9, 2009 12:16 AM EDT reply actions

Nice play calling, you could have at least tried a running play. And aren’t your chances of hitting a 50-yard FG from the center of the field a lot better than converting a 4th and 20 with a gimpy QB?

by JD on Oct 9, 2009 12:19 AM EDT reply actions

wow, oh wow. so much for Monsoon Bowl. glad i had that project to knock out tonight anyway…bring on the Gators vs LSU hype.

by TampaGatorGal on Oct 9, 2009 12:33 AM EDT reply actions

27 points in the 4th!!! Holy cow, unbelievable! GO BIG RED!!

by Brizzle on Oct 9, 2009 12:36 AM EDT reply actions

Play like a mid-level high school team for 3 quarters and come back. Wow

by Ackos on Oct 9, 2009 12:45 AM EDT reply actions

A win’s a win. A division win no less.

by Brizzle on Oct 9, 2009 12:57 AM EDT reply actions

*And there was nothing “mid-level” about the Blackshirts tonight.

by Brizzle on Oct 9, 2009 1:02 AM EDT reply actions

And Missouri is GONE, forever. Bye. Hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes, serfs.

by Eric Sandage on Oct 9, 2009 3:11 AM EDT reply actions

“Remember folks, it’s only the ACC that’s boring.”

It took 5+ inches of rain to bring this game down to the level of run-of-the-mill ACC football.

by Rob on Oct 9, 2009 3:31 AM EDT reply actions

Everyone bitches about Tresselball, but it would have won the game for Mizzou. Throwing the ball in a monsoon is risky business. Nebraska had to, Mizzou did not.

by Crabapple Buck on Oct 9, 2009 6:31 AM EDT reply actions

“Everyone bitches about Tresselball, but it would have won the game for Mizzou. Throwing the ball in a monsoon is risky business. Nebraska had to, Mizzou did not.”

Really? Were you watching the same game? The only team to have a somewhat sustained rushing drive was Nebraska (at the end of the game). I’m not even sure Mizzou has a power rushing formation in their offense. Of course, Nebraska wasn’t doing so hot running the ball either for most of the game. All in all, a strange game…

by DaveB on Oct 9, 2009 6:54 AM EDT reply actions

This game, for at least 3 quarters, had a “All the Right Moves” feel to it, sans the 300lb 4’11 fullback that ran a 4.4 sec 40 time.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Oct 9, 2009 9:07 AM EDT reply actions

Big 12-style Tresselball is NOT going to work against a DT like Suh. Running east-west 5 yards just to turn up field and get 2 yards going north-south because your offense has no concept of a power formation won’t work when you have a guy on the other side of the ball who singlehandedly dictates the OL/DL battle.

For Missouri it was worth exactly twelve points and eventually enough mistakes to give Nebraska the ball at the 10.

For Oklahoma and/or Texas… maybe. But for everybody else… no, Tresselball won’t work.

by Rob on Oct 9, 2009 4:15 PM EDT reply actions