DOLLAR BILL DOUG MAKES YOU DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS

by Holly Anderson on Oct 8, 2009 1:13 PM EDT

An inappropriately affectionate welcome to our resident degenerate gambler Doug Gillett.

RISK LEVEL 1: Sneaking into a second movie after the movie you bought a ticket for ends
Indiana +7 at Virginia, 3:30 p.m. Saturday
Oddsmakers usually aren't the type to fall in love quickly, but that seems to be what's going on here: Virginia takes on a UNC team whose offense has barely gotten untracked all season, wins a hideous game, and now all of a sudden Al Groh is a touchdown favorite over somebody. I bet the guy who set the line for this game is the type who thinks the stripper is actually "into" him.

stripper_likes_me

Indiana's not a great team, but they did nearly knock off Michigan in the Big House, and whatever they had in the tank for that game is likely more than what Virginia had against the Tar Heels. If past trends are any indication, Groh will eventually rouse himself from his Ensure coma and win just enough games to keep from getting fired, but it's still a little early for that yet. Take the Hoosiers and wait to bet on Virginia until they play someone they really have no business beating; that's how this works.

RISK LEVEL 2: Buying a piece of stereo equipment that "fell off the back of a truck" from a guy in Manhattan
Alabama -6 at Ole Miss, 3:30 p.m. Saturday
Remember when "Hey, maybe Spurrier wasn't all that far off by voting Jevan Snead first-team All-SEC" was the trendy contrarian position? Ah, a different time, July. A couple months later, Snead has the third-worst QB rating in the conference (your fruit baskets are on the way, Jonathan Crompton and Mike Hartline!) and the Rebels are probably only a bad loss or two away from hanging a leftie onto the Independence Bowl Turnpike. I don't see Snead having his big redemption performance against the nation's 10th-best pass defense, nor do I see Saban losing a game like this when he knows the SEC West title is ripe for the taking. The Tide are probably due for a brain-fart performance on offense any week now, but it'll happen in a game less critical to Bama's title hopes than this one.

RISK LEVEL 3: Meeting Erin Andrews at a bar and asking her where she's staying
Northwestern -20.5 vs. Miami-Ohio, noon Saturday
Miami-Ohio has gone from being the proud alma mater of Ben Roethlisberger to a team that didn't even score until fourteen and a half quarters into the 2009 season; they're still dead last in the nation in scoring offense with 11.6 points per game, so if the Wildcats can even make it to 32 points (which they've done in two out of three non-conference games so far this season) they should be good to go. NU will be putting up the Big Ten's second leading player in total offense against the nation's 93rd-ranked defense, and if they find themselves still short of a three-TD lead late in the game they can always count on Miami's worst-in-the-nation turnover margin to hand them a shot at one more score. You know, Roethlisberger's going to be in Detroit this weekend, just a straight shot down I-94 from Evanston; maybe he can swoop in and save the RedHawks, but barring that, there's little reason to think they don't get rolled here.

RISK LEVEL 4: Signing any kind of treaty with North Korea
Louisiana Tech +10.5 at Nevada, 9 p.m. Saturday
Two struggling offenses broke out in a big way last week, clobbering their opponents by an aggregate score of 90-34 and totaling 911 rushing yards between them. Louisiana Tech played their game on Wednesday night, though, so they've had three extra days to rest up and prepare for the Wolf Pack; they're also sporting the nation's 13th-best turnover margin, whereas Nevada managed to lose four fumbles even in their dismantling of UNLV to maintain a per-game turnover average even worse than Miami-Ohio's. If the Wolf Pack continue to serve up the ball at regular intervals this weekend, LaTech can just aim Daniel Porter at the Nevada defense, grind away, and stay in the game just long enough to take the nation's third-worst pass defense by surprise with some deep throws. That's about the time that Derek Dooley's INTENSE FACE has been known to make an appearance, and brother, that's the last thing you want staring you down from the opposing sideline.

Independence Bowl Football

RISK LEVEL 5: Saying "surprise me" to the tattoo artist
Memphis straight up vs. UTEP, 8 p.m. Saturday
Let's don't beat around the bush here -- both these teams stink, and this game was shaping up to be just another segment on C-USA Bumfights 2: Desperate Coaches Throw Down right up until UTEP unloaded on the ranked Houston Cougars last week. But the Miners came into that game ranked last in the nation in passing efficiency and total offense, dramatically increasing my suspicion that Houston was simply out of gas after knocking off a pair of Big XII teams back-to-back. The highly contagious strain of hemorrhagic FAILfever that has been passed from Georgia to Oklahoma State to Houston is now coursing through UTEP's bloodstream, and the otherwise terrible Tigers are poised to take advantage. Oh, the final score of this game might end up 10-7, but it'll happen -- and then Memphis can be just happy enough with themselves to get blown into Post shredded wheat biscuits for the remainder of the season. Circle of life, folks, circle of life.

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Comments

“The Tide are probably due for a brain-fart performance on offense any week now..”
Puh-LEEZE be on the 17th?!

/ Very nice column, Doug.

Derek Dooley looks like a combination of the Harbaugh brothers and Christian Bale in “American Psycho”. Except a little more intense.

by GamecockTony on Oct 8, 2009 1:22 PM EDT reply actions

@Tony: Seconded!

by Gamecock'n'Balls on Oct 8, 2009 1:37 PM EDT reply actions

Good write up. I’m on three of these with you.

by Joshua on Oct 8, 2009 1:40 PM EDT reply actions

Louisiana Tech can suck my balls for hiring Vince Dooley’s seed to coach their pathetic program. They can fucking have Taylor Bennett, he was useless anyway. Except apparently to play for the Stockholm Mean Machines in the Swedish professional football league. No I didn’t just make that up.

by wfguiteau on Oct 8, 2009 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

Correction: In an effort to verify the Wikipedia page, I discovered two things:

(1) The Swedish word for “roster” is, in fact, “roster”
(2) Taylor Bennett apparently got cut or something, unless this is some excellent Wikipedia joke that holds a great deal of truthiness in its substance.

by wfguiteau on Oct 8, 2009 1:52 PM EDT reply actions

These posts are rapidly becoming must-reads on the ol’ RSS feed. Also, they’re a finger in the dike preventing EDSBS from becoming an SEC, USC, and Big XII team of the month blog.

by El Humidor on Oct 8, 2009 1:53 PM EDT reply actions

The week after playing Ohio State hasn’t been good for any of our opponents with Navy being the only one to win, but not cover. The Buckeyes take a toll that is felt for long after you play them.

by Crabapple Buck on Oct 8, 2009 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

So the Buckeyes are the Mexican food of college football teams?

by zzgator on Oct 8, 2009 2:14 PM EDT reply actions

When on earth has this site been in danger of becoming a USC mouthpiece?

by Holly on Oct 8, 2009 2:15 PM EDT reply actions

@Holly – only when SKLM decides to troll, er, I mean show up.

by GamecockTony on Oct 8, 2009 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

Not a mouthpiece like ITAR-TASS or some such. The subject matter seems to be narrower in scope these days, you know? Just sayin’.

by El Humidor on Oct 8, 2009 2:30 PM EDT reply actions

Shame on the young man referring to that sweet young woman as a “stripper”. He should know better. She’s an “exotic dancer”. You have my word on that – I know about these things.

Sincerely yours,

Mike Nifong

by yoyofutbawl on Oct 8, 2009 2:40 PM EDT reply actions

@7 – you’re right – I’m still feeling the glow of 41-14.

by NYCGatorOX on Oct 8, 2009 2:45 PM EDT reply actions

El Humidor,

I won’t stand for this! This blog is every bit as myopic as it has ever been!

by Biggus Rickus on Oct 8, 2009 2:48 PM EDT reply actions

/ties onion on belt

by El Humidor on Oct 8, 2009 2:49 PM EDT reply actions

No, wait. We listen to our customers’ demands. What would like to see more of, El Humidor?

by Orson Swindle on Oct 8, 2009 2:50 PM EDT reply actions

@Orson – if I may speak for Senor Cigar Holder….

1.) Continued excellence in SEC coverage.
2.) Nary a mention of the other conference below the Mason-Dixon line that pretends to play football.
3.) More of Holly’s rack *

*not necessarily in that order

by GamecockTony on Oct 8, 2009 3:01 PM EDT reply actions

I think we need another theme day

The Alphabetical and Mustache Wednesday are great in their own right. However, I think the visitors of this site would agree that a ménage à trois of theme days would make it more appealing.

by UFmegood on Oct 8, 2009 3:07 PM EDT reply actions

Also, more Barkevious Mingo updates.

I channeled all my offseason energy into becoming the best Mingovian I could be. Now I feel used and slightly violated.

by UFmegood on Oct 8, 2009 3:09 PM EDT reply actions

Orson:

1) more Big 10/national perspective

2) More Bama/Burner fighting!! Not coverage of the teams, or on field stuff, mind you. Just say something about toilet paper, or houndstooth, or I don’t give a crap what, and just let those two fanbases go at it in the comments.

if I’m allowed a third:
3) more Subcommadante Wayne. Thank you.

by b10 on Oct 8, 2009 3:10 PM EDT reply actions

I’m probably walking into the bear trap from Straw Dogs here, but let’s go with a terribly unscientific summary of recent EDSBS:
—Mention of Big Ten? OHIOSTATEOHIOSTATEOHIOSTATEOHIOSTATEOHIOSTATE
—Mention of Pac-10? Pete Carroll is angling for Hef’s smoking jacket.
—Mention of SEC? OMG stud defensive lineman eats small moons and lifts semis over his head.
—Everything else? Florida. (I realize Danny Wuerffel is on the masthead.)

All that reductively said, this is my favorite blog. I swear to Gahd. It’s just nice to see comedy mined from Northwestern-Miami and LaTech-Nevada once in a while, you know?

Signed,

Gavrilo Princip prior to Flame War I

by El Humidor on Oct 8, 2009 3:15 PM EDT reply actions

Arizona State is -20 against Wazzu in Pullman this weekend. Crazy things tend to happen on the palouse and ASU has escaped by three their last two trips up there. Given the uppity play of the Cougar D and ASU’s inability to score more than 17 on anybody in D1 (less’n you count ULM) I’d say the Cougs and the points are easy money.

by Big Jon on Oct 8, 2009 3:31 PM EDT reply actions

EDBS USC Mouth Piece Dept:

- Hi Holls…NO way this site is a USC mouth piece…Too many haters….

- USC-west Tone: Me a troll?! I resemble that remark…..

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Oct 8, 2009 3:34 PM EDT reply actions

@20

Fuckin tuscaloser roll turds can’t even go undefeated when the conference is handed to them, IRRELEVANT! BEAR BRYANT WAS A CHEATING RACIST WHO NEVER WRESTLED A BEAR BUT GEORGE WALLACE DRESSED UP AS ONE! AND THEY WEREN’T “WRESTLING!”

by Philip on Oct 8, 2009 3:35 PM EDT reply actions

@20 & @24
Barners live in trailor parks and waste perfectlly good turlet paper on Toomers. Pat Dye was/is a drunk cheat.

by Obliging Bama on Oct 8, 2009 3:47 PM EDT reply actions

I’m not sure why, but everyone in the EDSBS Live chat room keeps asking for more ACC coverage. You have to give the readers what they want, and it sounds like they want to see more coverage of the heated competition between Atlantic and Coastal divisions in America’s most storied conference.

by Tim James on Oct 8, 2009 4:05 PM EDT reply actions

El Humidor

I have been reminded on many occasions that the Big Ten is just Ohio State and 10 midgets so many times I can’t count. I keep telling them the term is supposed to be ‘little people’, but these SEC people don’t seem to care.

by Crabapple Buck on Oct 8, 2009 4:17 PM EDT reply actions

I’d be satisfied with a bi-weekly Marky M rap.

by Ted Reesing on Oct 8, 2009 4:21 PM EDT reply actions

You need more Notre Dame coverage. 90% negative, scathing attacks on the Irish and 10% positive comments on the team. That would get us 10% more positive things than are presented by the self-hating denizens at NDNation now and you could become the new Internet home of the Fighting Irish. I know, scary thought, but additional ad revenue would sweeten the deal.

by Daniel on Oct 8, 2009 4:23 PM EDT reply actions

Daniel,

In defense of NDNation, it’s hard to be positive when your head coach is 1) not very good, 2) grossly overpaid for a ridiculous number of years, and 3) fat (this really has nothing to do with anything, but it’s my understanding that any discussion of Weis must include mention his weight/frontbutt/etc.)

by Biggus Rickus on Oct 8, 2009 4:27 PM EDT reply actions

If you dont like it here get the fuck out! Dept:

Maybe all the ACC fans should read “Everyday should be Thursday” because thats when they play all their games. One thing I do have trouble with is my inability to find the jpeg of Holly’s silky milkys.

Thank you

by Hogtown on Oct 8, 2009 4:33 PM EDT reply actions

In all honesty, I’d like to see more ACC and Big East stuff.

by Alaska Hokie on Oct 8, 2009 5:45 PM EDT reply actions

THis week I have

    Indiana +7
    Stanford -2
    Idaho +3.5 (Idaho is 4-0 ATS this year)
    Arkansas +3

by MJRuffalo1 on Oct 8, 2009 6:51 PM EDT reply actions

no one-NO.ONE.- shall take the Crown of Ineptitude from Catfish Cromp!
all hail the king!

by thetennesseethumper on Oct 8, 2009 8:04 PM EDT reply actions

The Risk Level 3 example is far too low. EA’s lawyers are about to make that something like Risk Level 16.

by JD on Oct 8, 2009 8:31 PM EDT reply actions

Just out of fun, what is Dollar Dollar Doug Ya’lls record so far?
Is it better than COTG? ’Cuz that guy has the goods.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Oct 8, 2009 8:39 PM EDT reply actions

Unless it’s a terrible Crompton’esque QB in a dysfunctional offense that’s serving up picks I don’t like the idea of using turnover margin to determine future bets. Fumbles (especially which team recovers them) are especially random.

by janus09 on Oct 8, 2009 10:21 PM EDT reply actions

hi-larious risk factor levels. nice job. now BACK TO WORK

by Soylent Green on Oct 8, 2009 10:42 PM EDT reply actions

thanks guys.

PS to Bama fans: I heard that Burner fans molest sheep.

PS to Burner fans: I heard that Bama fans molest goats.

take it away fellas.

by b10 on Oct 8, 2009 10:45 PM EDT reply actions

b10 @ 39

The term is “Barner”, as is the big red building on the farm, where agricultural equipment or hay or some such shit is kept. How the hell are people supposed to insult each other if they don’t even know who to hurl them at?

Rookie.

by MBD on Oct 9, 2009 2:44 AM EDT reply actions

@40

We Tode fans hate Burners.
That high falootin book learnin you all is doin, like readin words and such, trying to talk all proper like, is fer sissies!

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Oct 9, 2009 9:03 AM EDT reply actions

I’m not a gambling man, but if I were there’s no way I’d put money on Northwestern.
- Following a QB switch, Miami seemed to display a pulse against Cincinnati.
- Unless the opponent is Ohio State, Northwestern almost always plays to the level of the competition.

Interesting Miami of Ohio factoids:
- I knew about the whole Cradle of Coaches thing, but Miami is 23rd all-time in victories. Not too shabby.
- During Randy Walker’s playing days (’73-’75), Miami went 32-1-1, finished in the top 15 each season, and took down the SEC in three straight Tangerine Bowls (that’s the Capital One Bowl for you youngsters). Also not too shabby.

by HudiBlitz on Oct 9, 2009 3:29 PM EDT reply actions

Ohio St. may be one of the midgets this year. Yes, there was that glorious victory over Illinois. But OSU has looked very questionable on offense. The Buckeyes could have trouble with Wisconsin today. I’m not just saying this to irritate the overly smug Ohio St. fans either. That’s just a bonus. Also ND will win 6 games and extend the Fat Man another 5 years. Because why not irritate ND fans while I’m at it?

by Craig on Oct 10, 2009 11:12 AM EDT reply actions