EDSBS CASTING COUCH PICKS, WEEK 5

/Eric Berry and Chris Todd make eye contact as Todd gets the snap. /

Todd: ….Clevah guhrl.

/Chris Todd is quickly swarmed by the Tennesse defense, violently. /

Saban as Anton Chigurh is perfect casting. I can see him telling Rich Brooks’ scared shopkeeper ass to call heads or tails right now.

JOE COX is THE VAMPIRES in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. He can wreck your shit up, as long as he’s not hit by sunlight. Check the forecast of the game to predict the outcome. Bright and sunny = Tiger’s win. Overcast or rain = FEAR THE GINGER NINJA!!!!

-From a proud redhead.

This has been your annual installment of the CLEVER GIRL joke, which I will never stop reusing so don’t ask.

The worst thing about Crompton remaining at starter (I mean, besides the “bad at football” part) is that it keeps Joe Cox’s natural nemesis, Ginger Avenger Nick Stephens, off the field. WE WANT A GINGER QUARTERBACK BATTLE.

I guess UCLA was the extinction level comet that landed on the dinosaurs home soil and completely felled them after the T-Rex talked big shit all during the Ice Age? Please people, before we start comparing the Tennessee football team to anything dangerous let us remember that they are still the Tennessee football team and they WERE BEATEN BY UCLA AT HOME. THEY WERE BEATEN BY UCLA AT HOME (a second time so maybe some people will remember). Eric Berry is good. But Eric Berry don’t play offense.

You have 80 yards to pay dirt with 2 minutes left down by 2 in the 4th. You have Crompton and Cody Hawkins, and your FG kickers is Colorado’s kicker….WHAT DO YOU DO!

I’d punt and hope for the best.

I have to say, I’m about sick to death of this LANE KIFFIN HAS A BIG MOUTH thing. What a bunch of shrieking nellies y’all are. HE SAYS MEAN THINGS ON THE TEEVEE. What, are we having tea and crumpets? Fuck. Yew.

(Oh, and UCLA is bad and we’re worse. THAT’S not in dispute. But I, for one, am having a grand old time with my new shin-kicking toddler of a coach.)

Stoops: you put away your safties, I’ll put away my quarterback, and we’ll use our backups to kill each other like civilized people

Shannon: that hardly seems sporting

Stoops: (motioning to bradford) I could kill you now?

I have the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach that OU is in for a 10-6 air-choking that leaves us unconcious and dreaming of very large women.

If Chris Todd is Mouldon then Kiffin is Nedry. Eaten alive by his smart mouth…

Nick Stephens = Day Walker

Go on, ducklings. We feed on your hate. (Next year, maybe we try feeding on winning football. For now, hate.)

WE WILL BURY YOU! WITH SWING PASSES, REVERSES AND AN OCCASIONAL DOWNFIELD PASS! beats desk with shoe ala Khrushchev

@Holly:

You’ll have to find a quarterback, first. Apparently, Kiffin thinks J-Cromp is the BETTER option.

Which either tells us something about Kiffin, or something about Stephens…

If only that clip went on long enough to show that while quarkback version 2.5 jumped right up…defensive back version tampa.tutu walked to the sideline in a daze.

To be fair, it is difficult to aim for Brandon James chest…when his helmet is where most chests would be.

The weird thing about Crompton, and I swear this is true, is this: He’s apparently a stone-cold stud in practice. Everyone I know who’s seen him throw a ball on a weekday will swear to this. But something in his brainbox just don’t work right on Saturdays.

“Brandon James’s chest”…not to be confused with “Davy Jones’ Locker”…or is it “Brandon James’ chest”…not to be confused with Davy Jones’s Locker"?

DAMN YOU, APOSTROPHES! or is it APOSTROPHE’S (as so many idjits on the interwebs think?)

Euro Trash Dept:

1. USC is like a foreign film…takes a while to get going…but the ending is much better than the beginning or middle sections of the films. Prediction: USC 24, Cal 1. (The “1” is a gag, by the way.)

2. ucla will lose to Stanford

3. Notre Dame will lose to Washington because of Washington has superiod coaching skills

(For USC fans, the weekend will be an easy 3 for 3…..USC winning and rivals getting whacked)

Extra point given for trying. Everyone wins in the Soviet Republic of Berkley!

Too bad we didn’t have Children of Men five years ago. Ty Willingham’s Theo to Charlie Weis’s Tomorrow is so much more to scale.

Also, Lou Holtz has got to be Marichka, right?

Lane Kiffin IS the RV septic tank that Joe has straped to his back in Joe Dirt. …and bring it Holly….. Yew’d Luv It

(but in Tennessee, isn’t it Ewe?)

….and why the hell does the creator stop the Janzen Jackson video when they do? Because Brandon James jumps to his feet while Janzen lays on the ground nursing a hurt cooter.

So…Brent Venables will climb into a speedboat to Havana at halftime and no one in the Cuban armed forces will blink an eye when he pulls into the harbor? Speaking English?

Work with me here….

Holly, that’s what you get for sending Crompton to the Chris Simms Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Defenses Good.

Very, very well done article – Does the Saban as Chigurh meme make Rich Brooks/Tommy Lee Jones?

 Brooks can do a nice job, kind of co-exist within the framework of the movie, but when Brooks is standing in that dark hotel room, he really doesn’t want to find Saban in there waiting for him with a bad haircut ,a bolt gun, and that hellbeast of a defense.

ZZ,
too bad we didn’t have the official who called the Gaffney catch. BJ had that touchdown for .025 seconds before he was rocked.

@Holly: Wait wait wait…if you are gonna compare Todd to Muldoon, then you might as well make another Auburn reference… Ben Leard is Donald Gennaro (the uppity-laywer-type) from Jurassic Park.

Need I remind you of this (this clip is better than the actual movie):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KZh-fRZ4SE

Yeah…that’s right…he got his ass eaten by a t-rex with his damn pants down. In this scenario, I would say that the t-rex represents “laws of physics/athletic ability” which was what it was like watching Leard throw the ball in the air on every play…damn…I still can’t wash my brain clean of those memories!

“…because of Washington has superiod coaching skills.”

How much did Petey pay your professor* to get you out of English 101?

*say THAT 5 times fast!

@ GamecockTony

Students have staff to take dictation. SKLM is just showing signs of adapting to the cruel realities of a world where he is responsible for his own secretarial work; occasional typographical errors are inevitable.

I’m just saying, Chigurh never catches Moss. The real question about UK-Bama is: who are the Mexicans in the Jeep?

Holly, the problem with shin-kicking toddlers is that eventually, you hand them to the wrong person, and they get thrown across the room, smashing head-first into a wall. Survivability of these little fuckers is really low, unless a benevolent savior comes along to lock them up for their own benefit.

Holly, what are your realistic expectations for 2010 Tennessee? I ask because they lose substantially more starters than Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina, along with one of the two JR’s in the conference most likely to jump to the NFL (Berry and Dunlap). Looking at the depth chart, it seems like next year’s team will be worse than 2009, and I think 09 has a 7-6 ceiling.

The Jack-Jack comparison works even better when you realize at some point, Mullen is sorta kinda going to catch fire and cause some superhero team to get sucked into the engine of a plane.

@31 — That’s accurate (although I think Florida may lose more starters than anyone). It’s gonna drive me crazy, but I think next year will actually be harder with all our lines graduating. 2011 will be the year for things to happen, if they’re gonna. And the waiting might kill me.

@17

We might lose to Stanford, but I suspect we end up winning another slugfest. This is not to say that my Bruins are any good – it’s just that Stanford has limited offense, and what they do have, we tend to defend well.

I hope KC goes off and drops 3 or 4 TDs on Stanford, but I doubt it.

Hell, if nothing else, UCLA is a tough team – we just don’t have the experience on the offensive side, yet. We could easily lose this game for lack of offensive production, but it should still be close…

Trent Richardson would be the Mexicans in the big-block Bronco (not a f*cking jeep). Read the book. Chigurh kills Moss.

I guess Bobby Petrino was the retired colonel (Woody Harrelson).

So……..GT is losing to a freak baby?

you mean i get a hitchhiker’s guide reference AND a scene from “enter the ninja”?
ahh…paradise