#22 Michigan at Michigan State

Holly: Rich Rodriguez IS White Goodman IN Dodgeball. Say, did you know Sparty’s chestplate contains actual kevlar? Nice moves, although it won’t save them. RichRod is a smug, entitled bastard, but shoo-law does he have a lot of projectiles in his smug, entitled arsenal. Sometimes the lovable losers win, and sometimes they get their front teeth broken at the gym. (And sometimes the losers ain’t all that lovable. Dantonio, you never call.)

Orson: Michigan State IS Khan IN Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan. Khan had to have a “XX Years XXX Days XX Hours” clock in his bunker on Ceti Alpha V. You know this to be true, just as you know we could have just as easily cast Dantonio as the flower pot falling from the sky in Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, the reincarnated object killed again and again by Arthur Dent’s unending carelessness. Khan, though, has the right ring in terms of attitude. Michigan State is all effort and survival, but ultimately the lack of experience in three-dimensional combat that Rich Rodriguez’s offense has will doom the Spartans (though like the Enterprise in the film, Michigan will suffer significant damage due to lack of shields.)

Clemson @ Maryland

Orson: Maryland IS Mickey Rourke IN The Wrestler. The last chance we’re giving Maryland to prove it is not just a old broken down piece of meat whose best days are behind them. Unfortunately, the comeback has to happen against Clemson, who isn’t exactly Jon Cena in his prime, but who is certainly at least a Dolph Ziggler unwilling to take the dive for an aging former star working on replacement parts. Maryland is giving up 38 points a game, and the chances they have someone who can keep up with Jacoby Ford and CJ Spller are exactly hell now in neverleven.

Holly: Ralph Friedgen IS Jason IN Jason X: The One Where He’s In Space And Shit. Mother of god, Maryland just will not die. 1-3? Losses to Middle Tennessee and Rutgers? Whatever. They’ll knock off opponents better than them at e-ver-y-thing (Clemson and Wake), lose to the walking dead (Virginia and Duke), and win eight games. Somehow. Just you watch.

#3 Alabama @ Kentucky

Holly: Nick Saban IS The Joker IN The Dark Knight. Anybody wanna see a magic trick?

Orson: Kentucky IS Josh Brolin IN No Country For Old Men. He’ll escape with the money. He’ll run. He’ll make it to hotels with no name and hide the cash well. He will display cunning. There’s a man with a cattle gun on Kentucky’s tail, though, and he does not sleep, pounding oatmeal creme pies in the dark and chasing you all the while. Llewelyn Moss may be crafty, but he is not the grim reaper with a mop top hairdo. Nick Saban is, and the pounding running of Mark Ingram will eventually undo the ‘Cats in the end in a game closer than you might expect, but still one that ends with Verne Lundquist talking about a dream he has about his father while the lonely wind howls in the background.

#4 LSU @ #18 Georgia

Orson: LSU IS That Guy in the White Pants IN Enter the Ninja

Actually, we’re picking LSU in this game, but just wanted an excuse to post that. It’s a day game. Joe Cox is your starting quarterback. The Ginger Ninja’s only enemy is the sun, but she is a mighty one. You lose this game, Georgia, and Florida gets the privilege of attempting to deflate LSU’s bloated four spot in the polls next week. Best Youtube commenter, btw:

That guy went through all 7 stages of dealing with death in only 10 seconds, give the shrug a break! The shrug, by the way, was “Acceptance”

So true. You’ll watch Mark Richt go through all seven in the fourth quarter, btw. Like this:

Shock:

Denial:

Bargaining

Guilt

Anger

Depression

Acceptance

Holly: (Forgive the overabundance of Spielberg you’re about to be subjected to, but I’m trying to liven up what promises to be a largely blah-some slate of games this weekend.)A.J. Green IS E.T. IN E.T.: The Extraterrestrial. Gangly, adorable, and absolutely out of this world. Also starring LSU as scary mercenary types with guns who’ve been cuddlied down for sensitive new audiences. And like anyone with an appreciation for awesome, we liked them much better when we were younger and they were scary.

UCLA @ Stanford

Holly: Andrew Luck IS Lorenzo IN Once Upon A Time In Mexico. “You can ru-un, you can hi-ide, but you can’t escape my FLAMETHROWER.” (Maybe paraphrasing there.) UCLA’s secondary actually allowed Jonathan Crompton to complete a pass or two, so real quarterbacks are gonna have a field day. Luck has 742 yards in four games and a passer rating of 146.42. (Oh, and he’s a freshman. Woe betide Pac-10 secondaries for the next three years or so.)

Orson: UCLA IS Leonardo DiCaprio IN Catch Me If You Can The undefeated Bruins would feel like a total con job if they didn’t have a defense capable of slipping them out of the tightest nooses and onto the next schnook willing to take the bait. Every game for them is going to be like 13-10, and at the end it’s Rick Neuheisel grabbing his expensive, stolen suit jacket and using your credit card to hop the next flight to victorytown. You’ll feel dirty and violated afterwards, but you must respect the hustle.

Washington @ Notre Dame

Orson: Charlie Weis IS Clive Owen IN Children of Men. He’s not making it to the end of the movie, but when Brian Kelly takes the baby Charlie Weis got through the flames and hailing RPG rounds and raises it into manhood and back to some semblance of glory, you’ll remember the man who died in the rowboat to make it happen. Oh, and in this analogy Washington is the guy hit in the face with a car battery in the refugee camp.

Holly: Steve Sarkisian IS Johnny Rico IN Starship Troopers. South Bend is an ugly planet. A bug planet. I could talk about Washington’s top-40 passing offense and Notre Dame’s 106th-ranked passing defense, or Notre Dame’s numbers-y passing offense and Washington’s not-terrible passing defense, and how boring the ground games out of both have looked thus far, but — I’m sorry, we have a caller on the line: It’s Sarky from Buenos Aires, and he says kill ‘em all.

#25 Georgia Tech @ Mississippi State

Holly: Dan Mullen IS Jack-Jack IN The Incredibles. Lookit the widdle bitty baby! What a keyuuuute little JESUS CHRIST HE CAN SPIT FIRE (not very far…yet). It was fun to joke about in the summer, but now it’s getting a little uncomfortable to contemplate: What will this team look like in a couple years? Georgia Tech tried to ruin football for me in that Thursday night Cymbalta Bowl with Miami (”Where does Georgia Tech football hurt? Everywhere. Who does Georgia Tech football hurt? Everyone.”), and they remain unforgiven.

Orson: Georgia Tech IS Jimmy Stewart IN Vertigo. The nightmare that never ends: an ACC team headed to an out-of-conference team they should beat. Should, but won’t, as Dan Mullen takes the three and a half players qualified to run his offense, somehow stretches them into eleven, and ends up outshifting, out-motioning, and outflanking GT’s rickety defense in a shootout featuring the maximum number of misdirections and fakes possible in one game involving two teams this year. At then end, Buzz falls from a tower as Dan Mullen in a nun’s habit rings a cowbell and says “God save us all.” (Watch this one, as it will be “fun,” if not necessarily “skilled.”)

Auburn @ Tennessee

Orson: Auburn IS the invading alien horde IN War of the Worlds. Violent and unstoppable offensively, rampaging all they can see until Gus Malzahn is felled by the simplest of defenses: the virus of Auburn running off every coach they’ve ever had. Additionally, Chris Todd may prove to be susceptible to another potentially fatal infection: a defensive line capable of blowing up some of those slow-developing sweeps and fakes Malzahn uses. A fake handoff is useless when it’s made lying on the turf.

Holly: Chris Todd IS Robert Muldoon IN Jurassic Park. Try to imagine yourself in the Cretaceous Period. You get your first look at this six-foot safety as you enter a clearing. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement – he’ll lose you if you don’t move. But no, not Eric Berry. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that’s when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other d-back you didn’t even know was there:

Clever girl.

#7 USC @ #24 Cal

Holly: Pete Carroll IS Matt Hooper IN Jaws. You always hear about killer sharks, but they’re always in some faraway land, say, Berkeley. And no matter how much you study, and how much you hear of their prowess, you’re never quite emotionally prepared to meet an opponent you can’t necessarily overwhelm on talent alone. (Unless you’re Oregon and you take the novel approach of actually blocking Jahvid Best, but whatevs.) Given the injuries to USC and the fact that Tedford actually needs to win this game, I’m calling it a coin flip but pulling for the sharks.

Orson: Cal IS Dave Attell IN Pootie Tang. I can’t, I just can’t, because you know how this ends: USC stacks the box, dares Kevin Riley to throw, and we end up with a 20-17 game where Cal just misses the lip of the ramp, spins end over end in flames, and Jeff Tedord slams his clipboard to the turf before Pete Carroll gives him a “Wa-da-tai, sa-da-tay” at the midfield handshake.

Oregon destroyed Cal. Even without an operant offense, USC scrapes through this one before losing another improbable and inexcusable game down the road.

#8 Oklahoma @ #17 Miami

Orson: Landry IS Colin Farrell IN Miami Vice . Like his character, he will spend most of the film looking disreputably attractive while throwing easy lines against a tough opponent, your inflated expectations for the film/ the Miami Hurricanes. Like that movie, the chances you will remember anything about this game two months after it happens are small, and like Colin Farrell, Landry will be returned to the back burner in favor of more illustrious leading men.

Holly: Bob Stoops IS Vizzini IN The Princess Bride. Never get involved in a Land Thief war, you say? Miami’s hamstrung sans safeties against even Oklahoma’s backup QB. But it’s Big-Game Bob! But it’s not a BCS bowl, so he should be fine! But Miami’s beaten opponents thought not to be too bad at football at the time of the beating! But who will cover the Sooners’ wonderful downfield toys? Grow up fast, Baby ‘Canes. You’re a lot more fun at your fighting weight.