RICH BROOKS PONDERS THE BIG SLEEP

by Orson on Oct 1, 2009 11:43 AM EDT

I sat there and waited for no particular purpose in the door. I was half in, half out, and admiring the fall air. It was as clean as my conscience and as dry as sherry. It felt good on a newly shaven face, like the hand of truth slapping a drunk on his last bender at five in the morning. A bird fell from the sky. I took it as a good sign. It's all in the interpretation.

I turned back inside, picked up the doctor's report, and aided and abetted the escape of a half-glass of single malt from its prison. Pleading guilty, your honor. A crime of passion I committed daily, but what else were you going to do with the dead hours of the day? The time stretched out in front of you like the legs of a faithless woman on clean white sheets.

You might find some momentary entertainment in and around them, but ultimately they walked away and left you staring at the darkness.

I picked up the doctor's report. His penmanship was lousy. His billing secretary's, however, was not.

There was a hole in my leg where there wasn't one before. Skin cancer. Old age. Old thoughts. Old men doing the work of young men for old men who still had the wants a young man has without an old man's wisdom. I had to follow up on so many things with this case: where had Johnny Venus been the night of the casino mugging? Why was the car he took his last nap in registered in Marguerite Woolworth's name? And finally, who put five hot slugs in my partner, Joker, and turned him into a sidewalk painting on Sunset Boulevard?

I had a lot of questions, a little scotch, and the Steinitz Gambit laid out on the chessboard. Steinitz and I talked for a few hours. I made a ham sandwich. I ate it. The sun and the whiskey raced each other to the horizon. The whiskey won. I woke up looking for answers that day. I fell asleep without them. Life's like that sometimes.

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Orson, you can now scratch “cancer joke” off of your bucket list.

by StuBone on Oct 1, 2009 11:49 AM EDT reply actions

EDSBS Noir has a nice ring to it…

by PeteJayhawk on Oct 1, 2009 11:52 AM EDT reply actions

PeteJayhawk-

‘EDSBS Noir’…hmmmm, it does have a ring to it.

Bravo Orson.

by tzubear on Oct 1, 2009 12:00 PM EDT reply actions

Brilliant. Simply brilliant

by AParker on Oct 1, 2009 12:00 PM EDT reply actions

We must all try to live our lives ip to the Rich Brooks standard.

by Ruck'em Horns on Oct 1, 2009 12:06 PM EDT reply actions

Fantastic work being done here!

by EDSBS Dawg on Oct 1, 2009 12:07 PM EDT reply actions

When are you going to get around to doing a noir piece on Rich Brooks’ tomato garden?

by Petie on Oct 1, 2009 12:10 PM EDT reply actions

So Joker is Hawk to Rich Brookses’ Spencer, I knew it. Never expected him to go out like that though.

by That Other Dave on Oct 1, 2009 12:28 PM EDT reply actions

Steinitz Gambit??? How the hell do you come up with this stuff?

I feel like I’m watching a subtitled film that has Chopin playing in the background. And right after the last line closes with, “Life’s like that sometimes.” it should cut to a black screen that just says [fin] in white letters.

Bravo Orson!

by atlHOkie on Oct 1, 2009 12:30 PM EDT reply actions

Knights had no meaning in this game. It wasn’t a game for knights.

by gosouthgohard on Oct 1, 2009 12:48 PM EDT reply actions

We need Garrison Keillor to read this out loud

by Kevin@LSU on Oct 1, 2009 1:03 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, you mad genius…

by SC_Gator on Oct 1, 2009 1:22 PM EDT reply actions

Rich Brooks abides. I don’t know about you, but I take comfort in that. Takin er easy out there for all us sinners.

by ben f on Oct 1, 2009 1:26 PM EDT reply actions

I swear my monitor had cigarette smoke coming out of it while I read that. There was even a faint sound of a saxaphone playing through my speakers.

Well done sir.

by sevenDs on Oct 1, 2009 1:55 PM EDT reply actions

+100 cocktails sir.

Suggested title: The Short Goodbye

by Wegherbombs on Oct 1, 2009 2:07 PM EDT reply actions

I kept waiting for…

“Rich Brooks thinks cancer is bullshit”

Never got it though

by Mr Dizzle on Oct 1, 2009 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

Might be the best piece you have written on this site. Bravo.

by amicus on Oct 1, 2009 2:18 PM EDT reply actions

Well done, again. Rich Brooks in Clipboard Jungle is shaping up to be among the best recurring features. Bonus points to #13 for the Lebowski ref.

by TCL on Oct 1, 2009 2:51 PM EDT reply actions

After reading that piece, the management of The Football Stadium of Valhalla just leaned a chair against the table in the announcer’s booth and put a card on it marked “reserved for O. Swindle/S. Hall”

by WarChiziken on Oct 1, 2009 3:00 PM EDT reply actions

As an avid reader for many years, I have to say the continuing saga of Rich Brooks’ Diary (or whatever this is called) is the best thing you’ve done.

by DoubleDawg05 on Oct 1, 2009 3:25 PM EDT reply actions

This is the best EDSBS feature in a long time—and that is saying something!

Here’s hoping that Coach Brooks continues to feed the beast…

by Charm Offensive on Oct 1, 2009 3:36 PM EDT reply actions

+100 single malt escapees to you

or 1 bowmore 64.

by cob on Oct 1, 2009 4:00 PM EDT reply actions

You kids who think that this is the best EDSBS feature ever need to read some Raymond Chandler, because it’s all like this. The Big Sleep and The Long Goodbye are the best, and Farewell My Lovely is also solid if you like your protagonist to be solidly drunk for 80% of the novel.

by gosouthgohard on Oct 1, 2009 5:32 PM EDT reply actions