41-17. The balletic maestro of the eye gouge says you may have your ball back now.

The Halloweekend agenda.

ORSON (Jacksonville)

WOOOOOO COCKTAIL PARTY.

HOLLY (Columbus)
West Fuckin’ Virginia @ USF
Miami @ Wake
Duke @ Virginia
Central Michigan @ BC
WLOCP
Sakerlina @ Tennessee
USC @ Oregon
Texas @ OK State

Mr. Moundshroud: “Well, which was it? A Trick or a Treat?”

Happy Halloween, motherfuckers. Let us know where you’re at and look alive out there.

Holly: The Phil Fulmer Memorial Hainted Great Pumpkin Pickins!

Orson: Likin’ it.

Holly: Ole Miss-Auburn.

Orson. I know the movie title for this one. BURNT OFFERINGS

Dragging the coffin upstairs for you, Coach Chizik.

Holly : I take that to mean you’re picking Giggity. I like their pass defense now that Chris Todd has returned to performing like a Chris Todd-like substance.

Orson: Auburn could survive one phase of their game struggling, but the defense has now begun to unravel, too. Dragging a coffin up the stairs is looking ahead to Furman to get bowl eligible.

Holly: I hadn’t actually noticed until just now that they’re on a three-game L streak. Who the hell’s teaching those kids to chop-block? (BECAUSE THEY DO THAT A LOT, DID YOU KNOW.) Up next: Candy corn pick: Mizzou at Colorado! Delicious or disgusting?

Orson: Candy corn is delicious in the proper serving size, which is exactly one small, 4 oz packet. Any more and you’re just shitting oversweetened marzipan for the next week, and apt metaphor for the Dan Hawkins Experience thus far at Colorado.

(more…)

–Ron Franklin will miss the weekend for the third straight year of “let’s have Ron Franklin’s golden pipes adorn the crappiest game we can find for this endlessly punished man to call.”

–The weather for USC/Oregon will be in the high forties with clear skies for the 5 pm kickoff. Key injuries include TE Anthony McCoy for USC and a crushed Autzen Stadium support beam that LeGarrette Blount said “looked sassy at him.”

–Florida should get Brandon Spikes back from a groin injury for the Coke Orgy. Georgia will not sit offensive lineman Vince Vance for his arrest for driving without a license because, seriously, it’s the Cocktail Party and it’s a driving offense. 85 degrees for the high, chance of rain with a 70% chance of aerosolized alcohol clouds intoxicating bystanders randomly. Be advised.

–Mmm. 40 in Iowa at gametime and Paki O’Meara MERELY ONE SMALL BRANDON WEGHER INJURY AWAY FROM GREATNESS. Pakibomb Pakibomb Pakibomb.

–Because they’re playing indoors, conditions at the Carrier Dome in Syracuse for Cincy/Syracuse will be as they always are: dry, because the tears have run out, and appropriately lukewarm. Tony Pike is unlikely to play, but be not concerned, Cincy fans and those rooting for them in the name of anarchy, because see: Syracuse.

–We have no weather information for Stillwater, OK due to T. Boone Pickens outright purchase of the weather there. He holds all rights and will disclose the details of its status as he sees fit. OSU RB Kendall Hunter is looking to get 8-10 carries in the game. In coachspeak, multiply that times two for an approximate and realistic number, or divide by two. Either is possible.

Assorted notes of varying necessity.

–In honor of Jacksonville: Locals The Black Kids.

--Sports Meme Rankings! Including the only empirical record of exactly how stale Chris Berman’s cultural palette really is! Is it essential? WOULD WE WASTE NON-PERIOD PUNCTUATION ON JUST ANYTHING? Obviously not!

–Also on SBN: the power of The Black Taco transcends even our hate of baseball.

–Duck Voodoo shows you the tragic and graphic story of a USC hat without a reason to live.

–Oregon may be wearing the new carbon fiber helmets, black jerseys, and steel pants for the USC game. We wish they’d bring back the Electric Banana Nightmare to complement the 120 db noise in Autzen with a comparable visual stimulus, but USC players dropping dead from sensory overload is probably against some kind of college football bylaw.

–Because Holly really does crave hate mail: The Dregs.

–The Quest For Toronto continues undaunted at TNIAAM.

–Happy Halloween from the good puppets at HRB.

–BOOOOOOOM! Cocktail party, cocktail party.Bonus song to get you in the mood for the weekend from The Gurgling Cod.

The World’s Largest Outdoor Coke Orgy will feature even more “safety zones” this year to help not just students, but anyone at all escape the carnage, cannibalism, random baby-punching, and wholesale slaughter commonplace at the Coke Orgy, where three people have died in the last ten years.* From the AJC:

The five “sideline student safety zones” outside the stadium are places where fans can get help — any kind of help. “Maybe their phone has died or they’ve lost their group or they need directions or they need to take a nap. We have a bevy of services available,” Langston said.

If the the safety zones are truly “safety zones,” then the organizers of the Coke Orgy have done the worst thing they could have possibly done: turned the rest of the event into one huge DANGER ZONE. There’s only one acceptable way to get to said DANGERZONE, and that is running one step ahead of the DANGER ZONE’S most initimidating resident, GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR.

Be sure to stay in front of him if you do make it, because falling behind him was the Moon’s first mistake.

*We bet three people have died at the Kroger closest to our house in the past decade. Most likely in the dog food aisle, because there’s no cell reception in that part of the store and it would be easy to get lost and stranded.

We really couldn’t face the idea of writing about the ACC today, so what follows is a Hate Week Substitute for the Factor Five, a Competitive Correlative in five extremely important categories discussing Florida and Georgia. Enjoy?

One: Inanity in Governance: (EDITOR’S NOTE: We assume all politicians of all parties to be evil, soulless lizards walking around in human suits masquerading as people. At night, they dine on pickled infants and watch Two and a Half Men, a uniform preference explaining the show’s inexplicably high ratings. Any expression here is one of purely personal distaste, and not DURRR POLITIKS fodder.)

Florida Florida’s governor is an allegedly closeted gay man with a basted ham-toned, George Hamiltonish tan you suspect continues uninterrupted around his entire body. Like anyone with the dimwitted ambition of being governor, he’s not particularly bright and could probably be shot into space without any discernible effect on the overall well-being of the planet as a whole. He also failed the bar twice and sounds suspiciously like Brick Tamland when talking. Naturally, being insubstantial, dim, and tan, he has been mentioned with some seriousness for the Presidency.

Georgia: Sonny Perdue burrows even lower into the warm humus of gubernatorial stupidity, however, by opposing the lifting of the Sunday alcohol ban. Correct, non-Georgia readers: if you want alcohol on Sundays in Georgia, you must first drive to a bar, then pay a fifty percent markup over wholesale, and then wait until you sober up before you drive home because some turkey-wattled Baptist eighty miles away in Hookwormville thinks Crazy Old Testament God is going to turn him into a pillar of salt if the citizens of Atlanta get drunk in the safe, warm, and undoubtedly godless confines of their own house.

Oh, but you could just buy on Saturday. It’s not a big deal! THAT’S WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT THE GHETTOS OF WARSAW, COMMIE. (more…)

Note to future headline writers: always rely on understatement in favor of overstatement when making your case, just like this savvy copywriter did. It beats “Execs Strafe ABC Offices After TCU/Cincy Announced for BCS Title Game” any day. Other possibilities in the same vein include “8.2 Earthquake Tickles Tokyo Residents,” “AIDS Slight Problem For Local Prostitutes,” “Double Murder A Concern For Two Specific Locals,” “Serial Killer Described as ‘Outgoing,’”, “Blind Pedestrians Pose Safety Hazard on Busy State Highway,” and “Local Tannery’s Odors A Topic of Discussion For Community.”

(From the DMN.)

Dollar Bill Doug soldiers through another week, bloodied but unbowed in his effort to pick games correctly against the spread. Enjoy.

RISK LEVEL 1: Going swimming less than 30 minutes after eating: New Mexico State +44 at Ohio State, noon

NOOOOOOOO YOU’VE GONE MAAAAAAAAAD

Stipulated, New Mexico State is a bad team — last in the nation in total offense, next to last in scoring offense, bottom quintile in turnover margin. About the best thing going for them right now is that they’re the one D-IA program in New Mexico whose coach has enough self-control to refrain from punching his assistants, which is surely a great boon in those in-state recruiting battles. But Ohio State hasn’t scored more than 40 points all season long — even against the moribund defenses of Toledo and Illinois — so I’m at a loss to figure out why Vegas thinks they’re suddenly going to scrape 50 against the Aggies, particularly with their top two running backs, Brandon Saine and Daniel Herron, questionable due to various injuries. Maybe Jim Tressel will use this as an opportunity to let embattled QB Terrelle Pryor open things up a little, but consider that this game comes a week before a road date with 12th-ranked Penn State — how much of his hand is he really gonna show this week? This is a guy to whom the zone read option remains almost as exotic as snorting powdered rhino horn off the ass of a Vietnamese hooker at Burning Man. (Not as awesome an experience as she promised me it would be, incidentally.)

RISK LEVEL 2: Running into Tim Tebow in Jacksonville this weekend and offering him a toke: Tulane +35 at LSU, 8 p.m.

This spread seems a little more reasonable than the tOSU-NMSU line on paper, but LSU’s offense has been struggling almost as much as the Buckeyes’ — 31 points remains their high-water mark for the season — and the Tigers have been even more prone to playing down to the level of their opponents, at least over the past couple seasons. (more…)