First came Bradford, then Tebow...one by one, Injury claims the Heisman Winners and Winners-to-be of college football. We now make the months of impending doom slightly more bearable for you as you watch this episode of the Final Destination: ACLs and Tender Cerebellums unfold by handicapping the likely methods of injury for your precious star quarterback.
Jacory Harris, Miami
Sprains knee when attacked by Virginia Tech Victory Gnome: 3/1
Mint poisoning due to mojitoverload: 9/1. A common South Beach injury.
Chapped testicles: 16/1. It happens, but the swordsmen of the U should be more professional than to let chapped testes keep them out of a game after Michael Irvin missed two games in the '87 season due to the condition. A failure of the training staff, to be sure.
Colt McCoy, Texas.
Gored, but NOT by Bevo: 5/1. Likely suspect? A rampaging Will Muschamp.
Shot in hunting accident by Jordan Shipley: 12/1 DID YOU KNOW THEY ARE ROOMMATES
Small animals of Texas take their revenge, unite to crush him in rolling varmint-ball: 22/1 He does owe them after all those years of taking it out on them after losses.
Bursts blood vessel in eye crying over watching The Fox & The Hound: 30/1 He's more of a Lady and the Tramp guy, if you must know.
Chemical burns to face and chest after hugging shirtless, festering Matthew McConaughey: 60/1 This assumes you could approach the man without passing out first, and thus the low probability.
Case Keenum, Houston
Has head stolen in post-game field rush: Afterwards, a polite request for the return of Case Keenum's head will appear on Kevin Sumlin's Twitter feed. "Saturday was fun, but we are missing Case Keenum's head. Please return it NO QUESTIONS ASKED."
Out for three games with hurt feelings: 9/1 Once he figures out what Paul Wall is worth, his Heisman campaign will take a serious hit.
Tony Pike, Cincy.
Breaks throwing arm this time, 6/1. Would limit his production to a mere 30 TDs and 2,800 passing.
Breaks non-throwing arm, 10/1. No discernible effect on production.
Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame.
Continues to play for a team coached by Charlie Weis: 2/1. A nearly fatal disease for any Notre Dame player looking to garner a Heisman, and untreatable until the termination of Weis' 348 year contract.
Turf leg: 4/1 Spreading from an existing case of turf toe due to constant abuse of Miracle-Gro as a mixer at off-campus parties in South Bend. (In use by locals as an inexpensive mixer in bathtub cocktails for years.)
Todd Reesing, Kansas.
Concussed by Marcus Gilbert's roving, malicious knee: 15/1 Don't underestimate its powers.