THE QUARTERBACK FINAL DESTINATION WATCH.
by Orson on Sep 30, 2009 3:12 PM EDT
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PrintFirst came Bradford, then Tebow...one by one, Injury claims the Heisman Winners and Winners-to-be of college football. We now make the months of impending doom slightly more bearable for you as you watch this episode of the Final Destination: ACLs and Tender Cerebellums unfold by handicapping the likely methods of injury for your precious star quarterback.
Jacory Harris, Miami
Sprains knee when attacked by Virginia Tech Victory Gnome: 3/1
He strikes when you least expect it.
Mint poisoning due to mojitoverload: 9/1. A common South Beach injury.
Chapped testicles: 16/1. It happens, but the swordsmen of the U should be more professional than to let chapped testes keep them out of a game after Michael Irvin missed two games in the '87 season due to the condition. A failure of the training staff, to be sure.
Colt McCoy, Texas.
Gored, but NOT by Bevo: 5/1. Likely suspect? A rampaging Will Muschamp.
Shot in hunting accident by Jordan Shipley: 12/1 DID YOU KNOW THEY ARE ROOMMATES
Small animals of Texas take their revenge, unite to crush him in rolling varmint-ball: 22/1 He does owe them after all those years of taking it out on them after losses.
Bursts blood vessel in eye crying over watching The Fox & The Hound: 30/1 He's more of a Lady and the Tramp guy, if you must know.
Chemical burns to face and chest after hugging shirtless, festering Matthew McConaughey: 60/1 This assumes you could approach the man without passing out first, and thus the low probability.
Case Keenum, Houston
Has head stolen in post-game field rush: Afterwards, a polite request for the return of Case Keenum's head will appear on Kevin Sumlin's Twitter feed. "Saturday was fun, but we are missing Case Keenum's head. Please return it NO QUESTIONS ASKED."
Out for three games with hurt feelings: 9/1 Once he figures out what Paul Wall is worth, his Heisman campaign will take a serious hit.
Tony Pike, Cincy.
Breaks throwing arm this time, 6/1. Would limit his production to a mere 30 TDs and 2,800 passing.
Breaks non-throwing arm, 10/1. No discernible effect on production.
Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame.
Continues to play for a team coached by Charlie Weis: 2/1. A nearly fatal disease for any Notre Dame player looking to garner a Heisman, and untreatable until the termination of Weis' 348 year contract.
Turf leg: 4/1 Spreading from an existing case of turf toe due to constant abuse of Miracle-Gro as a mixer at off-campus parties in South Bend. (In use by locals as an inexpensive mixer in bathtub cocktails for years.)
Todd Reesing, Kansas.
Gout: 3/1.
Concussed by Marcus Gilbert's roving, malicious knee: 15/1 Don't underestimate its powers.
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Tod Reesing makes me feel like I could’ve been a QB on the D-1 level.
by Kevin@LSU on Sep 30, 2009 3:18 PM EDT reply actions
DAMMIT, Greg McElroy can’t even make THIS list
by Wallacewade04 on Sep 30, 2009 3:31 PM EDT reply actions
Pssst. You don’t want him on a Heisman list.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 30, 2009 3:36 PM EDT up reply actions
Clausen 3:1
Accidentally eaten by Charlie Weis.
And actually we’re more of a TruGreen school now when it comes to mixers.
by KDonohue on Sep 30, 2009 3:35 PM EDT reply actions
EDSBS shout out on the Scott Van Pelt Show. They credited you with “the best nickname in college football, The Ginger Ninja.”
by JL on Sep 30, 2009 3:36 PM EDT reply actions
The Ginger Ninja is methodically taking out the competition one-by-one until he wins the Heisman by default. Stealth and patience. If you look closely you can see a ghostly form just before Tebow’s head hits the knee.
by Biggus Rickus on Sep 30, 2009 3:41 PM EDT reply actions
That’s quite the feel-up job on Reesing, isn’t it?
by Domer Guy on Sep 30, 2009 3:49 PM EDT reply actions
Scott Van Pelt? EDSBS is going too mainstream for me. Exactly like Death Cab.
Though the Still Tippin reference was awesome.
by Greg on Sep 30, 2009 4:00 PM EDT reply actions
orson, you need to get scott van pelt on one of your podcast
by Kevin@LSU on Sep 30, 2009 4:21 PM EDT reply actions
I heard Kansas has developed a special football to complement Reesing’s limp-wristed throwing motion.
by ChasingMizzou on Sep 30, 2009 4:23 PM EDT reply actions
nothing better than drinking right from the wine teat.
by Signal to Noise on Sep 30, 2009 4:27 PM EDT reply actions
You have got to be joking me with McElnuts being considered a Heisman candidate. Only in their own God-forsaken world of western Alabama maybe.
How has no one mentioned that dude cradling Todd Reesing’s chest ever so gently??
by Wes on Sep 30, 2009 4:42 PM EDT reply actions
@ 7, thank you.
The question really is how will Landry Jones’ stache fall? It won’t be to a Gillette Mach 3, I guarantee that
by Wes on Sep 30, 2009 4:49 PM EDT reply actions
If Todd Reesing is gay, so am I. There, I said it. Though Kerry Meier is more my type.
by Eric on Sep 30, 2009 5:18 PM EDT reply actions
@6 Ah, so THAT’S where he was in the 3rd quarter.
by CanuckDawg on Sep 30, 2009 5:19 PM EDT reply actions
Ah…the pic of Reesing reminds me of the days in the Auburn-Opelika area when we only had the classiest of tail showcase our wet t-shirt contests. My…how I miss those days…
by Terry Bowdens Shoe Lifts on Sep 30, 2009 5:22 PM EDT reply actions
Ah, the sweet, sweet taste of sunset blush. Its cool waterfall of delicious sweetness can be as refreshing as a summer rain. Plus, you can press it against a wall and make it come out real fast.
by my cock is no longer smelley on Sep 30, 2009 7:07 PM EDT reply actions
I always wondered what happened to Fonzworth Bentley. Had no clue he’d head to da U.
by Big Head on Sep 30, 2009 7:15 PM EDT reply actions
Awesome Farnsworth Bentley reference. +5 (Honorable mention to the Revenge of the Nerd poke at Reesing)
by Buck Nasty on Sep 30, 2009 7:31 PM EDT reply actions
what about the other heisman contenders?
Cockslap McFarland
Circus-Snatch Jones
Tony Danza
by donkey punch on Sep 30, 2009 7:52 PM EDT reply actions
This would require Jacory Harris to be a Heisman candiate.
by Mr. Shuler Goes to Washington on Sep 30, 2009 8:29 PM EDT reply actions
Has Colt not seen Critters 1 or 2? he needs to watch the fuck out for rolling balls ’o critters….
by They call me......Tim on Sep 30, 2009 9:55 PM EDT reply actions
Someone must put all the great images of the talented
by Ruck'em Horns on Sep 30, 2009 10:08 PM EDT reply actions
Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Reesing the feeler, and not the feelee, in that pic?
by rtr on Sep 30, 2009 10:58 PM EDT reply actions
No, he’s the feelee. See the Livestrong bracelet? That’s mandatory Austinite gear. Also, I think that’s his same Bro from the pic of him on the wood chips.
http://i266.photobucket.com/albums/ii255/willgboone/cutecouple.jpg
by Ruck'em Horns on Sep 30, 2009 11:38 PM EDT reply actions
Very glad I made this $8 purchase for the year:
by Big Head on Oct 1, 2009 12:52 AM EDT reply actions
2:1 Jacory Harris dislocates should from the weight of that watch he is wearing.
by Ackos on Oct 1, 2009 6:14 AM EDT reply actions
Can they go ahead and give the Heisman to Colt McCoy and get it over with? That way McElroy et al can be removed from the conversation and avoid serious injury (aka stalking from the ginger ninja).
@13 Wes – I agree to a point. He’s got fair stats but the only reason he’s being included in any discussion is due to the lack of other players. I’d just assume he not be included in the convo and stay slightly under the radar. That should happen this weekend when we run 57 running plays on Kentucky.
by The Snake will Drive Again on Oct 1, 2009 10:23 AM EDT reply actions
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