CURIOUS INDEX, 9/29/09

by Orson on Sep 29, 2009 9:32 AM EDT

Stafon Johnson: Critical, but Improving. That is the condition of Stafon Johnson, USC running back who dropped a barbell on his throat yesterday in the Trojans' training facility. You might wonder what happens to someone's throat when you drop whatever heinous amount of weight Johnson was lifting on it. The answer: You have to have your larynx realigned. This sounds like the textbook definition of the opposite of fun.

"It's nice to just hear the sound of his voice." Oh, the dulcet tones of Sam Bradford's voice, soundwaves that have been proven to enhance the chance of multiple touchdowns being thrown rapidly and confidently in all directions: Oklahoma's practice sessions yesterday had them. Bradford threw, Stoops demurred on any decision, and linemen hesitated in agonized confusion between their love for the clean-cut Bradford, and the new and intense feelings they have for the dark, mustachioed man who just walked into their life.

Press conference fun, Vol 1: The "Oh, Shit" screen. Nick Saban has a name for that play:

"In football terms — am I allowed to say this — that play is called the ‘Oh, s---’ screen because every time you see it coming and you’re standing on the sidelines, you go, ‘Oh …’ I don’t want to offend anybody, but I said it today.

That may be a negative play making your coach very angry, but it beats the "oh fuck" nine route, the "goddamn shitballs" slant, and our favorite, the "I'm so angry about this I'm actually going to assault you and punch you in the face" offensive meltdown.

Press conference fun, Vol. 2: Sir, we have a hammer if you need one. Pat Fitzgerald has become a much more entertaining coach since his voice changed. He's even better when his team loses:

"Well, the tape doesn’t lie. I was done watching our (Minnesota) game before I was done watching the Notre Dame-Purdue (night) game. I can come back and watch it again and then watch it again, but I’d rather take a ballpeen hammer to my temple, you know?"

His secretaries and coaches have taken the brunt of the Fitz-storm, though he gave reporters some of it. Either that, or he began talking in ALL CAPS:

"We broke a single-game missed-tackle record on our kickoff team on Saturday. I don’t have a solution for that besides TACKLE THE GUY WITH THE BALL."

Ma-ma-ma-MAAAA-MAAAA. He's really old, and he smells like mold. Go to the player, hit the third track, and DANCE DANCE DANCE.

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I need my larynx realigned after reading “the ‘goddamn shitballs’ slant.”

by She Blinded Me With Violence on Sep 29, 2009 10:02 AM EDT reply actions

Nick Saban calls Florida the ‘Oh Shit Team’ because when you play them, you go ‘Oh Shit’.

31-20 Tide fans, read it and weep. Muhahahahaaaaaaa!!!…….. Happy Tuesday and all that.

by ALGator on Sep 29, 2009 10:05 AM EDT reply actions

I’m sure there was a bunch of “oh shits” flying around when Tebow got hit.

by Kevin@LSU on Sep 29, 2009 10:11 AM EDT reply actions

The “oh shit” play, aka the “9/11”.

John Parker Wilson couldn’t execute the “oh shit” play because his performance was aidsy.

Memories…

Orson, that was one of my favorite posts on this site ever.

by Tater Salad on Sep 29, 2009 10:11 AM EDT reply actions

tweeeeeet @Kevin: Personal foul. Unnecessary roughness, 15 yards, automatic first down.

by ALGator on Sep 29, 2009 10:15 AM EDT reply actions

The heinous amout of weight in question: 275 lbs.

I, for one, will be hitting the chalk much more, henceforth.

by Coop on Sep 29, 2009 10:30 AM EDT reply actions

PR Rule 1.02 – if you have to ask if you can say something at a press conference, then the answer is no. Although in Saban’s case, that he would even consider the question is sign that he is getting soft in his crimson years. Two years ago, he would have said, “you know what scarbinsky, i fucked your mother last night. put that down in you fucking fish wrapper of a paper.”
ps. is that some hot sappho action in that Axe ad on the right?

by haveagreatday on Sep 29, 2009 10:56 AM EDT reply actions

I’m sure the guy “spotting” Stefon feels reeeeeeeally good now.

by Raider Red on Sep 29, 2009 11:10 AM EDT reply actions

Saban’s “salsaboy” Gameday commercial showed elements of softness…or at least a human side. Though he did seem to be barely containing murderous rage with every murmered word, as usual.

…and I see hot “TIAA-CREF” action to the right, natch.

by mikeVI on Sep 29, 2009 11:14 AM EDT reply actions

According to Pete Carroll " it happens, but this just hit him wrong". There is no right way to take a loaded bench bar on the neck from full extension. Maybe he just means “wrong” in reference to the neck rather than in the chest.

by tzubear on Sep 29, 2009 12:21 PM EDT reply actions

ALGator—may the flag from DONT’A HIGHTOWER’S FUCKING FACEMASK PENALTY (trademark pending) strike you directly in the crotchular region for all eternity.

Not that I am still bitter.

by Counter Trap on Sep 29, 2009 12:47 PM EDT reply actions