HOWARD SCHELLENBERGER'S COACHES POLL BALLOT

by Orson on Sep 28, 2009 1:51 PM EDT

1. Suspenders, for the 38th week in a row.

2. Horseshoes. I eat one a week whether I need it or not. For the iron, mostly, but sometimes just for the taste.

3. SMU. Knocking them back a notch or two because of their pisspoor performance against Mrphmrphlgrmble State this week.

Makes just as much sense as any other coaches' ballot.

.4. Cal. Gettin' a real feeling about this team.

5. Jupiter. A planet that wears paisley is a heavenly body you can trust. Unlike you, Gina Lollabrigida, you beautiful minxy whore, you.

6. The Nash Rambler. Only car I've ever been able to drive to Cuba and back without a problem. Good tight seal on those windows.

7. Turfman's NEW! Combination Pomade and Edible Fiber Spread For Tense Cowpokes. Keeps the hair in place and the pipes flowing. Can't argue with something that does both.

8. Topeka. Always enjoyed a nice ramble through the beautiful city where "vagrant" is just another word for "friend."

9. Anteaters. A loyal pet, a beautiful animal, a better friend, and a meat whose fragrance will haunt your dreams.

10. Beets. Always loved 'em, but you gotta remember you ate 'em, because they'll give you quite a scare the next day if you forgot you ate them.

11. A well-creased pocket square. It's the badge that says you're a Sergeant in the Fashion Police, a Colonel in the Army of Good Taste, and an Admiral in the Sex Navy.

Everyone not named Howard Schnellenberger died within seconds of this photo being taken.

12. Around the World In Eighty Days. Still can't believe it can be done, but that's why they call it fantasy, no?

13. Oklahoma State. Because I believe in Les Miles, and I'm not alone.

14. Golf Course Ball Washers. Best way to wash a fresh tangerine ever made, and you'll crave the grassy taste of the soap after a few tries.

15. Mountain Central Time. It's the most grizzled of time zones.

16. A well honed spatula. A spankin' rod, meat-flipper, fly-swatter, wife-tamer, brawl-winner, back-scratcher, Bondo-spreader, and pocket shovel all in one.

17. Marie Claire. It's the thinking lady's women's magazine.

18. Wicker furniture. It's for sitting and eating.

19. Mad Men. I'm not immune, but Don Draper needs someone to tell him how to dress. He looks like a Dago shineboy out there.

20. Deviled Ham. Like regular ham, but without the pesky chewing. You get a free empty can with each purchase, too.

21. Mosquitoes. We'd all have too much blood without 'em.

22. Catching golf balls hit off the cruise ships. Gotta go a few miles out, but you'll never have a better time. Mind 'em when they start skeet-shooting, though. Buckshot's bracing, but you'll never find a better exfoliant.

23. Singapore. That's a port where they treat a man like a man, and a woman like a man, and a horse like a woman.

24. Ceiling fans. All the entertainment you need on a Saturday night. Love how they stay still while the rest of the room spins around 'em.

25. TSA. Bumped 'em down ever since they stopped asking to strip search me.

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Comments

The pocket square is a little under rated, but who am I to argue with Howard? He is a true gentleman.

by Joe Geronimo on Sep 28, 2009 2:01 PM EDT reply actions

That first picture is a mug shot after some Don Draper-esque DUI activity, isn’t it?

by ChasingMizzou on Sep 28, 2009 2:02 PM EDT reply actions

I’m going to print this out and put it in a time capsule so future generations can read it and learn from it.

by Etch Westgrin on Sep 28, 2009 2:09 PM EDT reply actions

Wow. No fine hand crafted pipe? They used to be a powerhouse.

by chaimy4life on Sep 28, 2009 2:12 PM EDT reply actions

Stay thirsty, my friends.

by Raider Red on Sep 28, 2009 2:18 PM EDT reply actions

Damn…you could use each one of those bristles in his ‘stache as a fuse for a stick of dynamite since I’m sure they have been well conditioned from the years of being soaked in fine scotch. On second thought, don’t allow an open flame near that gentleman.

by Terry Bowdens Shoe Lifts on Sep 28, 2009 2:20 PM EDT reply actions

omg, the picture of howard and the gatorade bath, i may have pissed a little. LOL!

by David on Sep 28, 2009 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

Mountain Central Time…it only exists because Schnellenberger allows it to. Puny states are forced to endure Mountain Standard Time.

by AZMUTiger on Sep 28, 2009 2:40 PM EDT reply actions

Yea, speaking of teams that didn’t make the list, what ever happened to “Sport Coat made of fine silks acquired from most recent trip to the far east?” They used to be a perennial BCS contender.

by Brian on Sep 28, 2009 2:42 PM EDT reply actions

#7-Seriously, me too. I’m losing it. No other photo has better captured old person rage.

by Laugh on Sep 28, 2009 2:42 PM EDT reply actions

A world without Schellenberger is a world I don’t want to live in…

by Philip on Sep 28, 2009 2:43 PM EDT reply actions

His ranking at #8 is spot on. I would know, i live there.

/hates self for living there.

by jayhawkland on Sep 28, 2009 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

[Firearms Nut]

You don’t use buckshot for skeet or trap.

[/Firearms Nut]

by El Kabong!!! on Sep 28, 2009 2:50 PM EDT reply actions

This and the Alphabetical all in the same day. Prodigious vicarious concussion induced grief mitigation, and we’re all the better for it. You are the AJ Green of college football bloggers.

by Bobby Decatur on Sep 28, 2009 2:53 PM EDT reply actions

Are you telling Schnelly what’s what about guns? He was killing NoKos with a blunderbuss while you were still a glint in his eye, son!

by Orson Swindle on Sep 28, 2009 2:53 PM EDT reply actions

A Gina Lollabrigida comment can only mean that someone did this Sunday’s NYT crossword! TWINSIES!

by Stam on Sep 28, 2009 2:54 PM EDT reply actions

I was at that game where Howard took the Gatorade bath. We barely escaped with our lives.

by Jerkwheat on Sep 28, 2009 2:57 PM EDT reply actions

@6 Terry Bowden – now THAT was funny.

by ALGator on Sep 28, 2009 3:02 PM EDT reply actions

Howard needs to clarify #9 – just plain ’ol anteaters or the UC-Irvine Anteaters?

by yoyfutbawl on Sep 28, 2009 3:08 PM EDT reply actions

Howard’s a good man. Hell, when we landed at Saipan together back in ’43, Schnelly and I personnally killed a division worth a Tojos. Then they shot my shins off.

by Cotton Hill's Shins on Sep 28, 2009 3:18 PM EDT reply actions

Suspenders at #1 – Some of you may not agree with them reigning on top for 38 weeks, but when you see this you’ll change your mind:

http://www.fauowlsnest.com/itb/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/howard.jpg

Have A Nice Day, indeed. That’s how a man dresses when he visits Lincoln, Nebraska.

by Emotional Fescuee on Sep 28, 2009 3:52 PM EDT reply actions

When Schnellly’s on the sidelines, he has a young female attendant who follows him around carrying a soda bottle. At his request, she unscrews the lid, hands it to him, and waits for him to take a swig. She follows him all game.

I don’t assume it’s cola in the bottle.

by Land of Os(borne) on Sep 28, 2009 4:10 PM EDT reply actions

I was on the phone with Mrs. Harris when I reached #19 and lost it. Orson, you’ll be getting a call from my wife’s divorce attorney.

by Harris on Sep 28, 2009 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

that’s not really going out on a limb there, in fact it’s probably a damn near certainty that there’s more than Coke in that bottle. I’d bet my next paycheck on it.

by CincySooner on Sep 28, 2009 4:20 PM EDT reply actions

Cocktails to you Swindle…I passed mine through my nose several times reading this post!

by alagator on Sep 28, 2009 5:04 PM EDT reply actions

Something tells me that the last mosquito to take pull off of old Schnelly died instantly. The man’s BAC hovers around kerosene. And that picture is priceless. He just looks so out of place.

by haveagreatday on Sep 28, 2009 5:58 PM EDT reply actions

Actually, #8 sounds more like Wichita than Topeka

by Billy Sims 'Fro on Sep 28, 2009 8:12 PM EDT reply actions

As a “college basketball guy”, what I’d really, really like to see is a chance meeting between Schnelly and Isaiah Thomas, who just took over at Florida International. My god, it would be glorious.

by Eric on Sep 28, 2009 8:16 PM EDT reply actions