WEEK FOUR PICKS WITH A VERY SPECIAL GUEST
As pickster Holly is not around to help us make our casting couch picks, we’ll have to just soldier through them without her.
Orson: Miami IS Ray Liotta IN Anything. Let’s face it: Ray Liotta was never meant to make a film without at least one scene of him burying his fist in the face of a sniveling punk of some sort. There was that unfortunate time when he attempted to branch out, sure. (Refer to this in the Liotta canon as the “Corrina, Corrina” phase, though he did stage a spirited fistfight with Whoppi Goldberg for a fight scene that met the cuttring room floor.) Similarly, Miami was never meant to experiment with being an emotional, 8-5 ACC team–
THUNDERCLAPS.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO ORSON I HAVE A CHALLENGE FOR YOU THAT YOU WILL BY DESIGN FAIL.
Orson: Please, everyone. Welcome Crazy Old Testament God to the–
COTG: YOUR PLEASANTRIES ARE USELESS NOW. THE SCHEDULE HAS CHANGED AND I MUST WORK THIS SATURDAY.
Orson: I thought you were usually off Saturdays, no?
COTG: NEW TESTAMENT GOD HAS AN APPOINTMENT WITH AN ESTATE PLANNER THAT DAY. EVEN GOD NEEDS A WILL AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME ASK ZEUS. I GOT THE TITANS AND A SWAN THAT RAPES THINGS IN THE DEAL. IF YOU HEAR FLAPPING WATCH YOUR ASS, BY THE WAY. HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN A WHILE.
Orson: Right. So, a test you say?
COTG: YOU MUST GO TO YOUR ONLINE GAMBLING ACCOUNT WHICH THUS FAR HAS BEEN PROFITABLE THUS FAR THIS SEASON AND MAKE BETS AS A TESTAMENT OF YOUR FAITH IN ME. REFUSE AND BE SMITTEN.
Orson: Smoted? Smited? Smoten? What is the–
COTG: HOW ABOUT THIS? “OMG LOL URGE TO SMITE RISING.” GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU BLOGGER-CHEEKS?
Orson: What does it look like when you smite someone?
COTG: ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE NATION OF AFGHANISTAN?
Orson: As a general condition, sure.
COTG: THAT IS A PLEASANT SUBURB OF SMITESYLVANIA.
Orson: Ah. So, what do you command Karl Marx with a crown–er, Crazy Old Testament God?
COTG: FIRST YOU MUST PLACE MONEY ON MISSISSIPPI STATE TO UPSET LSU.
Orson: Um, sure. Why, exactly?
COTG: BECAUSE THEY PASSED A TEST OF FAITH I ASKED OF THEM YEARS AGO BY ASKING THEM TO HIRE JACKIE SHERRILL.
Orson: That worked out horrendously for them, though.
COTG: HAHAHAHAHAHA YES SO WILL THIS AND MANY OTHER THINGS I ASK OF YOU. OBEY OR BE SMOTEN.
Orson: [sotto voce] Smited.
COTG: I HEARD THAT. NEXT, TAKE MARYLAND TO BEAT RUTGERS OUTRIGHT.
Orson: Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee State last week for the second year running, sir.
COTG: BUT I SHALL REWARD THEM BY DOING WHAT I ALWAYS DO FOR THEM: BY GRANTING THEM A BIZARRE WIN AFTER A BIZARRE LOSS. YOU KNOW THIS IS TRUTH AND YE SHALL NOT DENY IT.
Orson: Well, that’s…that’s actually totally true, yes.
COTG: NOW PLACE SUBSTANTIAL MONEY ON VIRGINIA TECH TO BEAT MIAMI IN BLACKSBURG.
Orson: You’re just asking me to lose money now.
COTG: YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER IS?
Orson: Smite-y Mouse?
COTG: NO, UM…YES. WHERE DID YOU LEARN MY MATERIAL?
Orson: 2002-2004. The [NAME REDACTED] years, of course.
COTG: YES, JEREMY FOLEY. SO OBEDIENT TO HIS GOD. HE PASSED THAT TEST WELL. I HAVE ONE MORE FOR YOU, MORTAL SQUIDBAIT.
Orson: Please.
COTG: YOU SHALL TAKE OREGON OVER CAL.
Orson: I can’t. I know this whole thing is supposed to go badly for me, and the you get to laugh at my mortal woe, or maybe turn me into a pillar of salt or something, but I can’t bet against Cal here. This is their year.
COTG: I WILL REFRAIN FROM REDUCING YOU TO DUST FOR AN INSTANT AND ASK YOU A QUESTION: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME A CAL TEAM UNDER JEFF TEDFORD CAME THROUGH WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO?
Orson: You have a point.
COTG: I AM EVERYWHERE AT ONCE. ASK HOUSTON NUTT ABOUT THAT. IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO RETURN JEVAN SNEAD’S TALENT TO HIM. I HAVE HAD IT FOR OVER 24 HOURS NOW.
Orson: Ha! Too bad for him.
COTG: THAT’S MY LINE.
Orson: [/SMOTTENATED]
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1
cob says:
“I GOT THE TITANS AND A SWAN THAT RAPES THINGS IN THE DEAL. IF YOU HEAR FLAPPING WATCH YOUR ASS, BY THE WAY. HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN A WHILE.”
+100 to you OS, chalk up more beverage destroyed computer goods to your prose.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
2
Brizzle says:
Miami is Ray Liotta in “Wild Hogs.”
September 25th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
3
Gator Greg says:
Smotabulous!!
September 25th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
4
seeyouinhellwillingham says:
a swan that rapes things +100
September 25th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
5
DrBundy says:
COTG isn’t the only Tiger fan (c’mon…everyone knows COTG is a Corn Dog) that thinks there could be an upset in StarkVegas.
Oh, and what do Ole Miss and Brett Favre have in common? Brett Favre is still number 4.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
6
Raider Red says:
Nice work, Orson, once again.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
7
Barbecue Hashmark says:
re: Jevan Sneed.
Ah, I thought that Eric Norwood had a bit of an Old Testament bounce in his step Thursday night.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
8
KennyGregoryRockThaCradle says:
Jevan Sneed has weak Bama Bangs game. He needs to cut that shit off if he wants the respect of his teammates again.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
9
Jason says:
@ 5-
You totally screwed that up, didn’t you.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
10
Ancient Chinese Secret says:
And Crazy Old Testament God said to the Irish fans, “Verily, thou art My Chosen People, and for thine loyalty and devotion I shall rain upon thine heads a torrent of debilitating injuries at key times, mediocre coaches, and even worse announcers. Yea, and the Trojan hordes of the west shall burn your dwellings to the ground, and sow salt in your field, such that no program will ever flourish there again. For this is My will. The campus bookstore is nice, though.”
A reading from the Book of Charles. Amen.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
11
yoyofutbawl says:
Actually, Jackie worked out OK for us until he decided to go the thug recruiting path around 1999-2000. Take the points & MSU, Orson.
I wish I still lived in Mississippi to hear all the excusus today. And tomorrow. I was in Cola, and Ole Piss just got their ass whipped, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Ellis Johnson & the Chix have damn great D. And floating Matthew McConnaghey didn’t screw up Garcia until the 4th qtr.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
12
verdant70 says:
And lo, on the fifth day, OS beheld his labors and it was awesomeness indeed. Blasphtabulous, in fact.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
13
CincySooner says:
You’d think Ole Miss would have been safe from the whims of COTG… I mean, after all, aren’t we all reasonably sure of the fact that Houston Nutt prays to COTG daily for inspiration.
I guess therein lies the essence of COTG… Have Faith, and know that the docu-drama that is your life could turn into a Japanese gameshow at any moment.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
14
Cotton Hill's Shins says:
A swan that rapes things. That’s kind of cool. I would think that was funny if Tojo hadn’t shot my shins off.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
15
I'm A Lasagna Hog says:
I wonder if search engines have tools that pick out improbable queries such as “rape swan” to be reviewed for future amusement.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
16
Mud Dauber says:
Best of All Time. Orson, RETIRE NOW.
(so says COTG.)
September 25th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
17
King Cockfight says:
Rape swan: The comedic gift that keeps on giving. And raping.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
18
msufan says:
@11
When it came around, i was more than happy to sign the student petition that got Jackie and his crazy clown sweaters out of starkville. Other than raiding JuCo’s for a few years successfully, trouble with the NCAA was about all he brought to State. Then when Croom came in to “clean house” of all things thug life, that was all we had left!
Did you hear Mark May at half time of the game last night, and then after? Don’t get me wrong, i was glad they lost, but he took it to an unexpected level of hate about their #4 rating.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
19
msufan says:
Rape swan: Gamecock Eric Norwood chasing Jevan Sneed.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
20
CA Dawg says:
Isn’t the Miami mascot just a rape swan with competent legal counsel?
September 25th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
21
Kelliente says:
I’ve often wondered if some of the literary / mythological references were going over other people’s heads in the same way some of the sports references go over mine.
Don’t worry. I’ll catch all the Leta references you let fall and other readers can feel superior when I’m scratching my head about who the hell Bob Stoops is.
At least we all seem to have read Dixieland Delight. There is hope yet for world peace.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
22
Tanner says:
You may refer to them as the “Corina, Corina” years, I refer to them as the “Operation Dumbo Drop” years, AKA “Oh God, I almost became Rob Lowe.”
September 25th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
23
Jason says:
Oh now, come on…you’re giving Tedford way too much credit. Cal has been masters of the faceplant since at least the 1960s.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
24
oaklandbear says:
I hope COTG is wrong on Cal and Tedford. Dear New Testament God please allow Cal to win and go the Rose Bowl for the first time in 50 years! Please! And get our special teams figured out if you can (one miracle at a time)!
September 25th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
25
mattain says:
Karl Marx with a crown? W.G. Grace is not amused.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
26
puffhog says:
“I must return Jevan Snead’s talent to him….”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
September 25th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
27
streetweirdo says:
@ 21
Yeah, that divine winged deviant is straight outta the second most important narrative in the Western literary tradition. But would it be pedantic for this English grad student to point out that “Leda” not “Leta” was the name of the girl that Swan-Zeus raped? Okay, I won’t then.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
28
Will Collier says:
Dude. Take an Awesomeness-Reduction Pill, like, soon. You are in serious danger of becoming an OrsonSpencer singularity and destroying all of Atlanta in your massive gravitational flux.
Or something.
But seriously, that rocked.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
29
vhdawg says:
I’ll need to see the original Hebrew text of what COTG had to say, because I suspect the phrase that was translated “Jackie Sherrill” would have been more accurately translated “Sylvester Croom”.
In thirteen years (in ten years really, if you discount the last three like they were Rocky V), Sherrill took State to six bowl games and won an SEC division title. Before Sherrill, State had been to five bowl games since WWI and last tasted SEC glory with their national championship team in 1941, the year the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.
It was much more of a leap of faith to take Croom, a questionably successful NFL “offensive” “coordinator” and “running backs” “coach” than it was to take a guy that had won ten games multiple times at Pitt and A&M.
And having sat through live and in person every game that Crooms “coached”, I’m ready for some rewardation from COTG, though I would happily trade a victory in the rain-drenched mudfest that’s going to happen tomorrow in exchange for keeping alive for another five years the Gators’ 23-year winless streak in Starkville.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
30
wfguiteau says:
Man, Orson, no wonder you’re getting paid to do this stuff.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
31
DrBundy says:
Well fuck me sideways. No more drinking and commenting for me after lunch.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
32
They Call me....Jevan Snead's Vagina says:
@17 Kingcockfight
I am still laughing my ass off at that one. Perhaps it is the bottle of wine I’ve polished off, but that is still a very funny, if succinct way of putting it….
September 25th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
33
MrRedDevil says:
Ashleigh McFairydust thinks that Blaine Gabbert is a stupid name.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
34
Nate says:
“COTG: ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE NATION OF AFGHANISTAN? ”
Since I’m posting this from Kabul, yes…yes I am. And if Smitesylvania is worse, I suppose it’s only a matter of time before the government sends me there, too. Don’t piss COTG off, Orson, unless you want to be clearing IED-laden donkey carcasses off your roads.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
35
TheDanPeckShow says:
I always envisioned Sebastian as more of a swan that rapes than a normal crane.
September 26th, 2009 at 2:48 am
36
Homietate says:
Nate, dude…now that is some funny stuff…
be safe.
September 26th, 2009 at 6:25 am
37
NativeSon says:
Rape Swan vs Fuck Lion: who ya got?
September 26th, 2009 at 8:06 am
38
Lex Barbarus says:
A bona fide W.R. Grace reference (#25); another example of the smart reader comments on this site.
Also, the post about ND’s bookstore was dead on and made me laugh.
September 26th, 2009 at 9:54 am
39
pic6bamr says:
I wouldn’t be dialing up my bookie on these Bulldogs to beat LSU. LSU will get upset at some point and skulldrug by UA, but MSU is bad, I mean REAL BAD. However, the X factor is the weather. It is pouring down rain and Bulldog paraphernalia is blowing all over town. (Luckily State fans all have Badboy Buggies and 4 wheelers at their tailgates…I’m not shitting you. My car was blocked in last night by a20′ trailer carrying 2 four wheelers with MSU crap stuck all over them as it is every Friday before a home game…thank you asshole redneck elitist neighbors) …and MSU’s field doesn’t have that whole drainage thing and for being an ag school, the shittiest grass is in the field…hell, I think I’ve convinced myself LSU is going down.
September 26th, 2009 at 10:00 am
40
Mr.Pelican Pants says:
I dont know if Houston Nutt is smarter than a 5th grader, but I’d like to find out.
If Alabama blows out Arkansas, everyone is eating pulled pork tonight…..
IF they squeak by Arkansas, Swine flu shots for everyone…who didnt see that coming? I would call Arkansas Def the Swine Flu Defense……you’ll get sick of scoring on it…..
And I hear Tim Tebow is going thru the Trials of Job this morning, with symptons of the flu
September 26th, 2009 at 10:05 am
41
pic6bamr says:
Also, after living in Starkghanistan for a few years I would have to say MSU has the most delusional fanbase, at least in September…or maybe bipolar would be more acurate. Reference vhdawg’s 1941 MSU Nat’l Chmpionship team…seriously, if they wanted to play they could have walked their ass to New Orleans
September 26th, 2009 at 10:09 am
42
TJ says:
…and now Oregon is rolling Cal. Of course they are.
/checks calendar
//still not certain it isn’t really 2007
September 26th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
43
COTG says:
Tips for the advice on Oregon v. Cal can go to charity of your choice. /Thunderclap
September 26th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
44
Spartan Gator says:
Just for the record, was COTG tell you to take Miss St outright or against the spread. It’s the difference between him being 2-2 and 3-1.
September 26th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
45
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
Damn Orson, COTG almost ran the board if Dan Mullen didnt have flashbacks to last years Ole Miss game thinking he had Tebow as QB for the “Tebow Smash”……and this was for the game, and it didnt work THIS time either! Between the Factor Five and COTG, you should open an online betting side game with this logic……so crazy..it just might work.
COTG went 4-2 vs gurus, giving COTG credit for the Ole Miss and FSU debacles. Its divine work…..I think if COTG would have accounted for the Mullen-owski, he would have been almost perfect sans the Rutgers deal…….Why does COTG give the trials of JOB to Tebow? First the Swine Flu, and now a concussion that will make him more gun shy? Is COTG trying to teach Urban Meyer a lesson about greed? and he gets knocked out against Kentucky? by a white boy? If he cant protect Tebow in a blowout vs Ky, he will get Tebow killed vs Bama….
Was Ky such a high powered offense to come back from a 31-0 deficit? Shula learned the hard way via Prothro, about going for the blowout when the game was in hand……
September 26th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
46
smeargle says:
well, it seems that Whisky Wednesday and the PSUfreakGuys’s posts were deleted…but how appropriate that
after the PSU fan guy talked shit on Ole Miss losing to South Carolina IN COLUMBIA, that Penn St, would lose at home to Iowa….man, irony is a pretty good feeling somtimes
September 26th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
47
Whiskey Wednesday says:
@Smeargle:
Penn State losing to Iowa isn’t irony. Penn State is perpetually overrated in an overrated conference, which is why some gel-haired dickeater from the northeast has no business, ever, talking shit to an SEC team that gets beat by another SEC team.
@PSUlosttoIowaafuckinggainareyoukiddingme: Feel free to come talk shit again; your girlish levels of football knowledge, coupled with an appropriate dose of karma, have entertained me greatly during what has been a bad week to be an Ole Miss fan.
September 27th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
48
SierraSpartan says:
#37 –
Do Not Taunt Happy Rape Swan.
September 27th, 2009 at 10:35 pm