As pickster Holly is not around to help us make our casting couch picks, we'll have to just soldier through them without her.
Orson: Miami IS Ray Liotta IN Anything. Let's face it: Ray Liotta was never meant to make a film without at least one scene of him burying his fist in the face of a sniveling punk of some sort. There was that unfortunate time when he attempted to branch out, sure. (Refer to this in the Liotta canon as the "Corrina, Corrina" phase, though he did stage a spirited fistfight with Whoppi Goldberg for a fight scene that met the cuttring room floor.) Similarly, Miami was never meant to experiment with being an emotional, 8-5 ACC team--
HELLO ORSON I HAVE A CHALLENGE FOR YOU THAT YOU WILL BY DESIGN FAIL.
Orson: Please, everyone. Welcome Crazy Old Testament God to the--
COTG: YOUR PLEASANTRIES ARE USELESS NOW. THE SCHEDULE HAS CHANGED AND I MUST WORK THIS SATURDAY.
Orson: I thought you were usually off Saturdays, no?
COTG: NEW TESTAMENT GOD HAS AN APPOINTMENT WITH AN ESTATE PLANNER THAT DAY. EVEN GOD NEEDS A WILL AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME ASK ZEUS. I GOT THE TITANS AND A SWAN THAT RAPES THINGS IN THE DEAL. IF YOU HEAR FLAPPING WATCH YOUR ASS, BY THE WAY. HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN A WHILE.
Orson: Right. So, a test you say?
COTG: YOU MUST GO TO YOUR ONLINE GAMBLING ACCOUNT WHICH THUS FAR HAS BEEN PROFITABLE THUS FAR THIS SEASON AND MAKE BETS AS A TESTAMENT OF YOUR FAITH IN ME. REFUSE AND BE SMITTEN.
Orson: Smoted? Smited? Smoten? What is the--
COTG: HOW ABOUT THIS? "OMG LOL URGE TO SMITE RISING." GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU BLOGGER-CHEEKS?
Orson: What does it look like when you smite someone?
COTG: ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE NATION OF AFGHANISTAN?
Orson: As a general condition, sure.
COTG: THAT IS A PLEASANT SUBURB OF SMITESYLVANIA.
Orson: Ah. So, what do you command Karl Marx with a crown--er, Crazy Old Testament God?
COTG: FIRST YOU MUST PLACE MONEY ON MISSISSIPPI STATE TO UPSET LSU.
Orson: Um, sure. Why, exactly?
COTG: BECAUSE THEY PASSED A TEST OF FAITH I ASKED OF THEM YEARS AGO BY ASKING THEM TO HIRE JACKIE SHERRILL.
Orson: That worked out horrendously for them, though.
COTG: HAHAHAHAHAHA YES SO WILL THIS AND MANY OTHER THINGS I ASK OF YOU. OBEY OR BE SMOTEN.
Orson: [sotto voce] Smited.
COTG: I HEARD THAT. NEXT, TAKE MARYLAND TO BEAT RUTGERS OUTRIGHT.
Orson: Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee State last week for the second year running, sir.
COTG: BUT I SHALL REWARD THEM BY DOING WHAT I ALWAYS DO FOR THEM: BY GRANTING THEM A BIZARRE WIN AFTER A BIZARRE LOSS. YOU KNOW THIS IS TRUTH AND YE SHALL NOT DENY IT.
Orson: Well, that's...that's actually totally true, yes.
COTG: NOW PLACE SUBSTANTIAL MONEY ON VIRGINIA TECH TO BEAT MIAMI IN BLACKSBURG.
Orson: You're just asking me to lose money now.
COTG: YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER IS?
Orson: Smite-y Mouse?
COTG: NO, UM...YES. WHERE DID YOU LEARN MY MATERIAL?
Orson: 2002-2004. The [NAME REDACTED] years, of course.
COTG: YES, JEREMY FOLEY. SO OBEDIENT TO HIS GOD. HE PASSED THAT TEST WELL. I HAVE ONE MORE FOR YOU, MORTAL SQUIDBAIT.
COTG: YOU SHALL TAKE OREGON OVER CAL.
Orson: I can't. I know this whole thing is supposed to go badly for me, and the you get to laugh at my mortal woe, or maybe turn me into a pillar of salt or something, but I can't bet against Cal here. This is their year.
COTG: I WILL REFRAIN FROM REDUCING YOU TO DUST FOR AN INSTANT AND ASK YOU A QUESTION: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME A CAL TEAM UNDER JEFF TEDFORD CAME THROUGH WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO?
Orson: You have a point.
COTG: I AM EVERYWHERE AT ONCE. ASK HOUSTON NUTT ABOUT THAT. IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO RETURN JEVAN SNEAD'S TALENT TO HIM. I HAVE HAD IT FOR OVER 24 HOURS NOW.
Orson: Ha! Too bad for him.
COTG: THAT'S MY LINE.