FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: OLE MISS AT SOUTH CAROLINA
by Orson on Sep 24, 2009 5:46 PM EDT
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PrintWelcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview Ole Miss at South Carolina. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the necessaries and completely arbitraries of the official beginning of your weekend, the Thursday Night special featuring the Emotive Olympics between Steve Spurrier and Count Giggity. Grimace! Sweat! Nail-bite! Non-surreptitious nose-pick! Theatrics will be had no matter if the game turns into an abominable 7-3 puntfest, because both coaches wear their gameplans on their faces. Considering this is a South Carolina game, a puntfest is a real live possibility; then again, Houston Nutt is coaching the other team, so a 38 overtime death march ending at 4 am is equally possible.
Cocky will kill your boyfriend. Just a regular reminder from the Safety Patrol at EDSBS.com.
Enjoy.
Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Ole Miss presents this from their bag of misleading data: they are proud holders of the 35th ranked pass defense in the nation right now, a stat garnered off stellar performances against Memphis, who did not attempt a non-lateral pass or bother to heave the ball downfield at all against them in Ole Miss's flu-stricken matchup with them, and from numbers gathered versus the challenging aerial attack of Southeast Louisiana.
They will have to hold that rank to hold South Carolina in check.
Despite the conservative, run-first game plan against NC State, South Carolina will come out throwing in this game because of a.) the strength of the Ole Miss defensive line, particularly against the run, and b.) because Steve Spurrier has the patience of a hungry tiger shark put into a tank full of obese seals.
The relevant number for South Carolina: #4, as in Jevan Snead. Snead may have a 9 for 20 night at his worst, but those nine completions will all be for first downs, touchdowns, and back-breaking plays. Snead played woozily against Memphis, but he should have, since playing with the flu rarely makes people better athletes. (Michael Jordan and his theatrics aside, and there probably was a Vegas line and kneecaps to protect in his case.) The Gamecocks are giving up 87 yards a game on the ground, so of paramount importance after stopping the run is finding some way to confuse Snead into throwing a few Favre-ian passes just like a kid out there: or, in other words, doing what kids do, which is throw to the wrong people with great enthusiasm.
Advantage: Ole Miss. Limit Snead, and he'll still make you pay. Trust us: we know from hard experience.
Ole Miss, You've Been Factor'd!
Category Two: Mascot: The easiest Factor Five decision yet: South Carolina, since Ole Miss has no formal mascot. Cocky the hoop-dressed chicken wins by default, though this would go to Ole Miss in a snap if they just bit the bullet, claimed William Faulkner as their mascot, and had an undergrad stumble around in a white suit carrying a bottle of whiskey muttering about "the ineluctable tripping and tumbling of the human race down an endless staircase wrought and created by its own mournful, irrevocable and inglorious failure."
Touchdown, Ole Miss, though it's all futile in the end as the impermanence of the moment is subsumed by the permanence of the dust, and the moment, and its endless, atavistic silences.
Advantage: South Carolina.
South Carolina, you've been factor'd!
Category Three: Aura. Every factor in this game should bend in the general direction of Oxford: a number four ranking coming in, as deep a roster talent-wise as Ole Miss has ever had, a quarterback of some not unserious talent, DE Greg Hardy returning to play in the game, and an opponent coming off a conference loss to Georgia. In theory, this is four quarters of predetermined hot awesome for Ole Miss fans.
This means the real onus is on Ole Miss, of course, since the backlashy counter to "Ole Miss is going to do it this year!" is "Houston Nutt teams never validate their ranking," which is in turn countered by "Ole Miss is more talented than Arkansas ever was," which is countered by "Then that means there's even more room for disappointment," and at that point you being shouting at each other because that is how you solve unsubstantiated talk radio arguments: incoherent volume applied directly to the ear.
It's on the road in a tough environment. On that alone, the aura and underdog status without expectations favors South Carolina.
Advantage: South Carolina.
Sakerlina, You've Been Factor'd!
Category Four: Names. South Carolina usually wins this one without contest with names like:
Darantzy Brunson
Wilkes Goolsby
AND FEATURING: Foxy Foxworth.
Ole Miss puts up stiff competition with Jacarious Lucas, Ferbia Allen, Ja-Mes Logan, J.D. Lawhorn (aka new name for genitals in "the lawhorn") Lekenwic Ingram, and Fon Ingram. For depth throughout the roster and someone who gave us another horrible thing to call your dick, we rule in favor of Ole Miss.
Advantage: Ole Miss. "Lawhorn." (giggles.)
Ole Miss, You've been factor'd!
Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? Ole Miss lost a bitter 31-24 game in Oxford last year thanks to 3 turnovers on the day and Ole Miss sputtering for just 129 yards of offense in the second half. No lingering animosity between Nutt and Spurrier, though, since they occupy separate henhouses in the SEC and are not division rivals. Even the fans in this rivalry don't have much beef, since they both agree on the virtues of sundresses on young ladies, the entertainment value of a good cockfight, and the necessity of hating Mississippi State for entirely different reasons.(Ole Miss, natural rival; Spurrier, because they knocked out his equipment manager in 2000.)
Ole Miss, you've been factor'd!
EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 3-2, Ole Miss You've Been Factor'd! Reminder: THIS MEANS BET ON THE OTHER TEAM. It's the counterindicator of counterindicators, though the Factor Five is 2-1 straight up on the season after Miami saw Georgia Tech's triple option as an invitation to ravage both holes and make a new one all of their making on Thursday night. Tread carefully, wagerer: not only is the Factor Five leaning treacherously towards the unpredictable this year, it is also featuring perennial curveball and hypnotist Houston Nutt tonight. Just flip a coin and you'll be just as well off in the long run.
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The Factor’s luck is turning. I’m sticking with Ole Miss on this one for the sheer volume of names alone.
Names should be weighted higher than 1 in the factor. They’re priceless.
by Buck Nasty on Sep 24, 2009 5:52 PM EDT reply actions
2-for-1 there. Not just Lawhorn, but “Leakin Wick.” {snort}
by Rich on Sep 24, 2009 6:06 PM EDT reply actions
Ole Miss Factor’d? Thank God, I was worried about our chances before.
by offcampus on Sep 24, 2009 6:21 PM EDT reply actions
I must admit that your joke at the expense of my writing style and nihilistic point of view was bastardly funny. One million toddies to you sir.
Huzzah to Ole Mississippi tonight!
by Ole Bill Faulkner on Sep 24, 2009 6:23 PM EDT reply actions
If you wanna get the hat trick you have to ravage three holes before making one on your own.
by Caligula on Sep 24, 2009 6:36 PM EDT reply actions
Damn you Cocky! Damn you for having such a glorious nickname!
Damn you Faulkner! Damn you for luxuriating by the pool after having written that overrated, artsy-fartsy Sound and the Fury! I know damn well that tard Benjy played for A&M!
by easthoustonpondwater on Sep 24, 2009 6:52 PM EDT reply actions
The two instances of Factor Five being correct this year have both been all ACC affairs
this seemed startlingly consistent for the ACC, until I checked last year when the three instances of an all-ACC matchup yielded three Factorings where the losing team won
as with anything else in the ACC, do you label this consistently inconsistent or inconsistently consistent?
by kizzak on Sep 24, 2009 7:11 PM EDT reply actions
One of you booooje-wah-zee mother fuckers DVR Erin Andrews’s smitten giggle after interviewing Lawd Giggateh
by MightyMightyMitzu on Sep 24, 2009 7:45 PM EDT reply actions
As if being sick all day, and already feeling queasy were not enough, I just had to hear Lou’s high-pitched, overly-excited spittle-dripped insistence that, "I’m not sayin [mark mays tries to out shout him] “… don’t believe in love at first sight! I’m not doing it on the first date!” in the pre-show…ugh. yurp.
by TampaGatorGal on Sep 24, 2009 7:49 PM EDT reply actions
Ah, you forget the most key factor of all. WE’RE OLE MISS, THE KINGS OF FUCKING GOOD THINGS UP. I wish I had more pride in my Rebels, but who are we kidding? We rule when it comes to heightened expectations followed by mind-blowing disappointment.
I’ll be doing the one thing us Ole Miss fans are good at doing during the game…getting FUBAR’ed.
by the ex-croominator on Sep 24, 2009 8:06 PM EDT reply actions
Ole Miss is, and will always be, Ole Miss. This is an 8-4 footbaw team, people.
by Sabanic Verses on Sep 24, 2009 9:19 PM EDT reply actions
HIGHLY RANKED TEAM ON THE ROAD ON THURSDAY NIGHT ALERT! HIGHLY RANKED TEAM ON THE ROAD ON THURSDAY NIGHT ALERT!
by JD on Sep 24, 2009 10:00 PM EDT reply actions
What is it about ole miss qbs looking like retards? Is snead a descendant of the manning tribe?
by tater salad on Sep 24, 2009 10:07 PM EDT reply actions
I’m inclined to think Ole Miss kinda sucks if they can get worked over like this by a half-assing-it Spurrier.
by JD on Sep 24, 2009 10:19 PM EDT reply actions
Yeah who’s the USCe fruitcake in the PJ pants and the blazer prancing in the endzone?
by MightyMightyMitzu on Sep 24, 2009 10:22 PM EDT reply actions
Because I haven’t announced it to enough people…
I MISSED GREY’S ANATOMY FOR THIS?
by the ex-croominator on Sep 24, 2009 10:35 PM EDT reply actions
Giggi-tah! If USCe loses, it could be comeuppance for the red-on-red look they are throwing down…
by Charm Offensive on Sep 24, 2009 10:41 PM EDT reply actions
ACTUAL LIVE VIDEO inside the EDSBS Factor Five Headquarters (at the beginning of the 4th qtr)
“they say I’m Cocky, and I say whaaaaa? It ain’t braggin’ mutha fucka if you back it up”
by Mich-Placed Gator on Sep 24, 2009 10:44 PM EDT reply actions
Okay, I just tuned in after the punt with 6 mins to go……. wow… thanks guys, good date and awesome bet… thanks….. serious….
by The Holy Grail on Sep 24, 2009 10:54 PM EDT reply actions
The Nutt special: ill-advised trick play!
by Sad Trombone on Sep 24, 2009 11:03 PM EDT reply actions
That was some terrible fucking coaching by Ole Miss all night long. The unbelievable 12-men-on-the-field penalty was just the cherry on top of the sundae. Giggity was almost out to the numbers trying to get a guy off the field.
by JD on Sep 24, 2009 11:06 PM EDT reply actions
the penalty is “taking his helmet off” – isn’t it excessive celebration? or they get that particular about defining the personal foul?
by TampaGatorGal on Sep 24, 2009 11:09 PM EDT reply actions
Congrats, Gamecocks! You got yourself a victory over a gin-you-wine top 5 team!
ESPN DID mention that….didn’t they?
by Sad Trombone on Sep 24, 2009 11:13 PM EDT reply actions
Mr. Nutt, what you’ve just coached is one of the most insanely coached things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent playcalling were you even close to calling anything that could be considered a rational play. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having watched it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
by Ninjer of the Ginger on Sep 24, 2009 11:14 PM EDT reply actions
Who gives a shit if Ole Miss was a sham 4? We won, mother fuckers.
by offcampus on Sep 24, 2009 11:22 PM EDT reply actions
“No field rush? hmmmm”
We Gamecocks are classier ‘n that. Actually, that’s disgustingly untrue. The students are just trying to avoid an awkward “Have you ever listened to Phish? I mean really listened?” discussion with Stephen Garcia.
by Gamecocknballs on Sep 24, 2009 11:22 PM EDT reply actions
Jevan Snead can just go ahead and put his Heisman application in the nearest recycle bin.
by JD on Sep 24, 2009 11:28 PM EDT reply actions
Them Rebels were damn near a five loss team last year, sans the Florida win….and then they get propped up because they beat Texas Tech? They are damn fine 4 loss team again this year, if they dont get McCluster killed, because Jevan Snead damn sure aint gonna beat you, and Greg Hardy wont take off his dress to play ball cause he has an ingrown toe nail? or Athletes Foot? WTF? They had Sakerliner on the ropes by blowin them off the ball and getting 10 yrds a carry, then they try some trickery? WTF? They were punchin the Cocks in the mouth, had em on roller skates, then try to pass it? Gus Malzahn must have been banging his head against the wall, or damn near ready to toss a toaster in his own tub after a few games like this where Nutt freaks out, grabs the headset, then flys the offensive plane straight down into the ground, leaving it a smoldering crater when it could have glided to victory 1/4 mile away……He truly is the Ozzy Osbourne of College Football…Crazy, thats how it goooooooeeesss……
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Sep 24, 2009 11:44 PM EDT reply actions
Being at the game, a few perspectives:
1. It is a good thing to eat and drink for free at Cockaboose #19 courtesy of Doug Forbes, DDS (www.getabettersmile.com). Enough of shilling…
2. Ole Miss was totally outcoached & outclassed (and I have no luv fer da Chix).
3. If I were to start a NFL team, I’d take the Eric brothers – Berry & Norwood – and build my defense around them.
4. Garcia was smart and in control all game. Being under house arrest in Denmark, SC during the summer helped his discipline. Having good calls most of the game didn’t hurt either. The Chix should have won by 10-14 points.
5. The Chix fans were nice to the Ole Pi$$ fans. That is NOT a good thing.
6. Ellis Johnson is the Grand Poobah of NCAA !-A DCs.
7. I actually wore a round garnet C sticker with chick in it that sed “Beat Ole Pi$$”. Along with my Alan Wilson for Attorney General. dat be Joe’s boy.
IT IS JUST SOOOOOOOO GOOD TO SEE THOSE ASSHOLES LOSE.
Sorry, RCR, but that’s how da Chikin hunts.
by yoyofutbawl on Sep 25, 2009 12:20 AM EDT reply actions
Credit the sound people at Cock Stadium, they really know to work a crowd into a lather. Late in that game, there were so many people raving, I got flashbacks to the last time I went to South Beach.
by Southernmost on Sep 25, 2009 12:51 AM EDT reply actions
Hey Ole Miss fans,
When you get tired of this kinda shit going on for years, try this: http://arnoldaerial.com/
Banners worked for us!
Sincerely,
Razorback Nation
P.S. If you try to send that useless monkey with a whistle back across the Mississippi River, we WILL mine the harbors of all Arkansas ports.
You bought that turd, you own him, now you are the ones that have to deal with him.
Thank GOD for Mississippi :-)
by Reaganite on Sep 25, 2009 1:18 AM EDT reply actions
Gus Malzahn was probably laughing at home, eating a cheesecake.
by What? on Sep 25, 2009 2:16 AM EDT reply actions
we were at the game, and there were riot police who looked very threatening, explaining the lack of a field rush. one kid did get caught in the field goal netting though.
by joe on Sep 25, 2009 3:51 AM EDT reply actions
"the ineluctable tripping and tumbling of the human race down an endless staircase wrought and created by its own mournful, irrevocable and inglorious failure."
seems like an apt description for this game, as well as the tireless plight of humanity. well done, billy faulkner.
by ed on Sep 25, 2009 8:07 AM EDT reply actions
Does anyone else believe that Jevan Snead is an even more over-hyped (if that’s possible) version of Matthew Stafford?
by BoboSoCrazy on Sep 25, 2009 10:40 AM EDT reply actions
@49: At this point I’m willing to say that Jevan is an overhyped version of Jonathan Crompton.
My sister and her friends are going to start chants for Nathan Stanley and Billy Tapp at the Vandy game next week. For the record, no one, and I mean NO ONE I knew ever believed we deserved that ranking and frankly wished they hadn’t given it to us. They were setting us up to fail. And people wonder why we stay in the Grove and get drunk.
by the ex-croominator on Sep 25, 2009 11:11 AM EDT reply actions
What’ya know the Rebs were over rated and out played again. Shit in my 40 years on this Earth there’s
only been one other team that’s had that same luxury; those shits from South Bend.
by Fred R on Sep 25, 2009 5:22 PM EDT reply actions
5. The Chix fans were nice to the Ole Pi$$ fans. That is NOT a good thing.
Where did you think you were, Veterans Stadium. We’re civilized.
by chg on Sep 26, 2009 11:25 AM EDT reply actions
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