A TALE OF TWO PREGAME SPEECHES
by Orson on Sep 24, 2009 1:29 PM EDT
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PrintThe Ole Miss lockerroom in Columbia, SC, Thursday, September 24th just prior to kickoff. There is the sound of a church organ humming from an indistinct spot somewhere in the locker room.
HOUSTON NUTT enters surrounded by a choir of African-American ladies.
Count Giggity: GIGGITAH, REBELS!!!
Rebels team: GIGGITAH!!!!
Count Giggity: MY CHILDREN WHAT A BLOTARKUS BANGFANGLED GAME WE HAVE IN FRONT OF US!!! GIGGITAH!!!
Rebels tea: GIGGITAH!!!
Jevan Snead leans over to Dexter McCluster.
Snead: Any idea what that means yet?
McCluster: No. I don't understand a word this magnificent, addled genius ever says.
Snead: Let's play along just to humor him. One never knows how it goes with these charismatic maniacal types. A simple...how does he say it? Giggitah? Right, let's give it a shot. [turns to Nutt] GIGGITAH!!!
Nutt: THAT"S RIGHT JEVAN!!! GIGGITY!!!!
Dexter: Quite nice, Mr. Snead. The madman seems to have enjoyed your exclamation!
Snead: Why, yes, he's excitable, to say the least. Let's watch and see what he does.
Flash to the South Carolina locker room. Coaches are huddled around Spurrier's closed office door.
Spurrier: No.
Coaches: Please come out, coach. We can't go out there without you. You're still the head coach.
Spurrier: Not of this bunch of losers, I'm not. I'm calling ESPN right now. Tuberville's on there now, and he's like some cut-rate spray-tanner version of me. Get my agent. I've had it with this shit.
Coaches: [quietly]
You're the best,
Steve's the best,
Off the tee, or on the field,
Steve's the best there's ever been.
Spurrier: [pauses.] Louder, please.
Coaches: [in unison]
Callin' plays, or chippin' in,
Steve's the best that's ever been,
Table tennis, golf or sex,
Spurrier is full of win.
Spurrier: Louder, please.
Meanwhile, in the Ole Miss locker room.
Jevan Snead: Is he just staring at us?
Dexter McCluster: Yup. Has been for four minutes. I'm timing it. Every now and then he just says "Mesmerise" really loudly, but mispronounces it.
Houston Nutt: SMESMERIZE!!!!
Dexter McCluster: Like that. I mean, this fellow doesn't think we will fall prey to such vaudevillian bunk, will he? Mesemerism was clearly proven to be a fraud by--
Dexter: Jevan, I say, you haven't--
Jevan Snead: [SMEZMERIZED; stares ahead blankly and confidently.]
Dexter: Oh, dear.
Back in the South Carolina locker room...
Spurrier: One more verse, and I'm comin' out. But you gotta sing it like you mean it. I'm not comin' out otherwise.
Coaches: [singing]
Shirtless and tan, hunky and tough
Flawless from the tee or the rough,
We won't talk about his time in DC,
Spurrier rules from sea to shining sea.
Spurrier: Show 'em the picture. Don't I look good on that bike? TELL ME I LOOK GOOD ON THE BIKE, DAMMIT.
Stephen Garcia: You look tight on the bike, brah.
Coaches in unison: "Yes." "Striking." "The very picture of health." "Quite the sportsman!"
Spurrier: I don't believe you! I'm staying in here. Y'all go embarrass yourselves. I'm staying in here with Tiger Woods golf. He never lies to me...unlike some people I know.
Ole Miss masses in front of the tunnel. Houston Nutt is now doing the Tootsie Roll for no reason.
Nutt: TO THE LEFT! TO THE RIGHT! GIGGITY! TO THE FRONT! TO THE BUTT! LESSGO REBELS!!!!
Dexter McCluster: I remain confused by what this man does as a coach.
Jevan Snead: Me, too. It works, though.
Dexter: True. Let's participate blindly and enthusiastically. This gentleman baffles, but he wins, unlike our former management.
Jevan: Quite. As the madman says: GIGGITY.
Dexter: And a GIGGITAH to you, sir.
Jevan: GIGGITY!!!
Dexter: My, this is getting fun. After you, sir.
Jevan: Yes, after you, my little Wildcat.
They begin to dance onto the field as the number four team in the nation.
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My favorite part about that image of Nutt is that no one ever went back to get a better screen capture than a photo of a television. It somehow feels appropriate, like trying to capture lightning in a bottle.
by Tim on Sep 24, 2009 1:41 PM EDT reply actions
They begin to dance onto the field as the number four team in the nation.
I got chills, they’re multiplyin’.
by Holly on Sep 24, 2009 1:42 PM EDT reply actions
“Meanwhile, in the Arkansas locker room. "
false.
by Kevin@LSU on Sep 24, 2009 1:43 PM EDT reply actions
Uh, what are you guys doing in my locker room? We don’t play until Saturday.
by Coach Petrino on Sep 24, 2009 1:45 PM EDT reply actions
There’s a mistake in the line just above the hands-clasped-prayerfully-with-teeth-grinding pic.
/really does not want to be associated with that man anymore/
by Sue E. Pig on Sep 24, 2009 1:45 PM EDT reply actions
No African Amerian choir is complete without a Boba Fett
I am going to re-read Coach ‘crazier than a sack ’o weasels’ Nutt’s pep talk before my applied research methods and statistics class today….I just hope my professor doesn’t look at me like I’m insane when I yell “Giggitah!” after having a eureka moment in which I understand a tenth of what he is teaching….
by They Call Me.......Tim on Sep 24, 2009 1:50 PM EDT reply actions
well, that settles it then.
Should Nutt take the field tonight sans a church tambourine in each hand, I’ll be sorely dissapointed.
by CincySooner on Sep 24, 2009 1:59 PM EDT reply actions
Shirtless and tan, hunky and tough
Flawless from the tee or the rough,
an elite diver of the muff
We won’t talk about his time in DC,
Spurrier rules from sea to shining sea.
by cgb on Sep 24, 2009 2:02 PM EDT reply actions
Awesome. My hat tips in your general direction, Orson Spencer Mellencamp.
by Will Collier on Sep 24, 2009 2:07 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, sometimes I want to see the insde of your head and sometimes I want to send you powerful anti-pschotics. This is moderately terrifying.
by Mike on Sep 24, 2009 2:07 PM EDT reply actions
Houston Nutt would not be out of place in Videodrome.
by wfguiteau on Sep 24, 2009 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
Bobba Fett FTW…
I’m smesmerized…and laying the $50 on the #4 team at -3.
by der schatten on Sep 24, 2009 2:27 PM EDT reply actions
Sue E. Pig @ 5-
Houston Nutt is the one you don’t want to be associated with? Really? His shennanigans are cheeky and fun. Petrino’s are cruel and tragic.
- The City of Atlanta
by Jason on Sep 24, 2009 2:44 PM EDT reply actions
GIGGITAH to you OS! The addition on Boba Fett put it over the top. Who knew he could sing?
by Croc on Sep 24, 2009 2:52 PM EDT reply actions
@Jason. You just had to be there. He is clinically insane.
by Ulysses S. McGill on Sep 24, 2009 3:02 PM EDT reply actions
with every flashback to the USC locker room I picture the last days of hitler where all his generals are huddled around him and hitler is going nutz.
by notamused on Sep 24, 2009 3:09 PM EDT reply actions
I am literally crying at my desk. The hysterical laughter has given way to tears. Superb. +100 cocktails.
by RanchyBalls on Sep 24, 2009 3:21 PM EDT reply actions
In response to Jason @15’s two questions:
Yes. Yes.
by Sue E. Pig on Sep 24, 2009 4:06 PM EDT reply actions
Superb Orson.
Even funnier when I picture Jevan and Dexter reading this piece with a dictionary.
by tzubear on Sep 24, 2009 4:09 PM EDT reply actions
While not an exceptional clause on its own, I would bet money the words “these charismatic maniacal types” have never passed young Snead’s lips in that particular order…thus my appreciation, O., for a wonderfully written slice of a reality we’d all love to see.
by sb on Sep 24, 2009 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
“This gentleman baffles, but he wins, unlike our former management.”
And some people still wonder why we Rebels are happy with Houston Nutt. There’s your answer, folks.
by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on Sep 24, 2009 4:14 PM EDT reply actions
“Ole Miss masses in front of the tunnel. Houston Nutt is now doing the Tootsie Roll for no reason.”
The exact point where I fell out of my chair.
by Prederick on Sep 24, 2009 5:05 PM EDT reply actions
What will the headlines read tomorrow? “Cocks beat McCluster-Nutt”?
by Cocky Scar on Sep 24, 2009 5:29 PM EDT reply actions
I don’t think I’ve ever seen the word “addled” used out side of reference to drug or syphilis.
by Ruck'em Horns on Sep 24, 2009 5:52 PM EDT reply actions
Ghost @ 23…
Orgeron’s talent is winning just as much as Nutt’s coaching. One has a short shelf life and the other has two fat lesbian friends who send emails to players calling them fagg*ts.
Congrats on inviting insanity into your quaint little village.
by Jim Grizzle on Sep 24, 2009 7:22 PM EDT reply actions
“HOUSTON NUTT enters surrounded by a choir of African-American ladies”
The ladies on the back row are especially…intriguing?
by beast in 'bama on Sep 24, 2009 8:20 PM EDT reply actions
Ill-timed timeouts: $1,000,000
12 men on the field at a crucial juncture: $1,000,000
Being ranked #4 after playing nobody: $1,000,000
Losing to Spurrier and having the whole state of Arkansas laugh at you: Priceless!
by Pigskinbyproduct on Sep 25, 2009 12:48 PM EDT reply actions
Tha Kool Aid Nutts got ya drinkin at Ole Piss will leave one Helluva hangover. Believe me. He’s a USED CAR SALESMAN!!!
by WE Have Mallett on Sep 26, 2009 11:01 AM EDT reply actions
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