HATE WEEK: THE ANNUAL HATE-OFF, PART THREE
by Orson on Sep 18, 2009 11:59 AM EDT
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Orson: I was going to open by suggesting that I will wrap you in a giant sheet of latex, and then tell Tim Tebow you were an enormous penis in need of circumcision.
Holly: Tebow heard that. And he's very disappointed. Not as disappointed as he's gonna be on Saturday, but sad.
Orson: When your opponent lays down in the second quarter of a rivalry game for years at a time, it does disappoint.
Holly: Which is, in turn, not as sad as you will be when I link your 401K to Bobby Bowden's retirement, and bring back David Cutcliffe to rain down fire and brimstone and perfectly executed indefensible slant passes.
Orson: Funny you should mention that. I just made a killing off selling Lane Kiffin a bridge I do not own. It has a hole in the railing where Johnny Majors drunkenly plunged off it in a Chrysler Cordoba, but he said that was fine, he'd take it as is. Also, if Cutcliffe came back, we'd just hire Richmond's defensive coordinator. They did a fine job with him last week.
Holly: Speaking of Johnny, he should be turning up on your doorstep at any moment. You've been named his sponsor. He'll be the one rolling up to the door in a barrel.
Orson: I have appointed you as Rex Grossman's squeegee girl.
Holly: I've set the Clemson Tiger to watch you while you sleep. If you sleep. If you ever sleep.
Holly: Actually, no. I've assigned Wondy to deliver your unborn two-headed jackal baby. Catch!
Orson: He will drop it. And then do a festive dance. I will put Phil Fulmer in charge of your PTA cake walk, and watch him destroy it from the inside with his gossipy ways.
Holly: You're forgetting the cake. You're the one changing his bibs, didn't you know?
Orson: You're in charge of Big Orange's Colonic, though. Randy Sanders will appreciate finally being freed from his imprisonment in Fulmer's duodenum.
Holly: Ssssh. Don't attempt to speak. You've been dropped into an impassable hedge labyrinth entirely covered in bees. It's all right, though. That's the Georgia Tech D-line chained to your left wrist. They're smart lads. They'll have a plan.
Orson: So does Lane Kiffin. Has he told you about the part where you lose to Kentucky yet?
Holly: You're alive! As a reward, you may spoon fat-free Miracle Whip into Ralph Friedgen's maw while he frantically gameplans for Middle Tennessee State.
Orson: The real football power in the state.
Holly: No, that's baby Berry. Remember his name. You'll be screaming it in agony 30 hours from now.
Orson: Eric Berry is a magnificent stallion surrounded by ponies, and tomorrow we eat horse steaks just like Mama Khan used to make them. Shhh. That sound you hear? It's Mike Hamilton choking himself to death with a Raiders bandana. Or the usual goatfucking, as you would say.
Holly: Mike Hamilton is quite twee, you know. He'll fit right down your windpipe. Wanna see?
Orson: No, it's currently occupied by Tim Tebow's penis, as we Florida fans have to take turns with the man. True love waits, but hurried lust can take the one hole in a pinch without breaking any rules. (Just wish Shanoff would share. Selfish!) By the way, afterwards, you shit diamonds for a week. And they said I didn't need to keep my pool skimmer!
Holly: THOSE ARE DIAMONIQUES, MOTHERFUCKER JOKE'S ON YOU. I can actually imagine this exchange taking place in the swamp.
Orson: I will name Lane Kiffin your head coach. < ----THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED
Holly: See, I thought the point of doing this three years in a row was that we come up with NEW jokes. You can't even make it ten minutes.
Orson: Much like the Tennessee defensive line
Holly: ....demonstrably untrue, chap.
Orson: Western Kentucky was quite a test. Big Red shouldn't be asked to play weakside defensive end, though. He's more of a tackle at heart.
Holly: Perhaps Randy Shannon can jog your memory. He heard what you said about his sainted mother.
Orson: ALL OF RANDY SHANNON'S FRIENDS ARE DEAD.
Holly: That's Tom O'Brien on the other line. He wants you to prep his fire-baton routine for America's Got Talent.
Orson: Two ACC mentions in a row clearly mean you've adjusted your idea of football greatness to appropriate levels. You'll love Charlotte. They have a mall!
Holly: I'm going in alphabetical order. You'd think you'd recognize it, English grad. NOW LET US PRAISE THE BIG 12. Dan Hawkins wants to know if he can crash on your futon. You've got a futon, right? Just for a couple days, until he gets his head right. Darrell Scott can run to the groc if y'all need anything. He's getting real good at errands.
Orson: I have decided to improve your quarterback position by having USC's third string punter transfer to Tennessee. You may remember him as Mitch Mustain. His mother's coming with him.
Holly: Spurrier called. He said he just wanted to talk, but he keeps mentioning all his free time and how the air in Columbia doesn't suit his wife. Want him back? I'm sure he could whip those receivers right back out of shape.
Orson: Georgia called. They want to remind you that...oh, that's right. That's the last team you reliably spread cheeks on year in and year out. HIGH FIVE.
Holly: UP TOP...ew. But seriously, congrats on what's sure to be a bang-up title run. Since he won't have much to do this winter, Bob Stoops is coming aboard as a consultant. He's been to the big games. He knows.
Orson: I made you a sculpture. It's a three thousand pound, 15 foot high statue of Ed Orgeron trying to coach a football team. I'm conflicted on the title, though: "Failure," or "Immense Failure." Houston Nutt says you were doin' it wrong.
Holly: Houston Nutt would know from SEC teams doin' it wrong. He says hello. I think it was hello. There was cackling.
Orson: cracklesnacklecrackleGIGGITAHcrackle. I don't even know if these are making sense, as I've been up since five thanks to my in-laws and their geriatric, floor-pissing dog. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MONTE KIFFIN. I will slap you and call you Casey Clausen.
Holly: I will cut you and call you RONALD ELIZABETH ZOOK. (It's probably Elizabeth, right? I wouldn't know. You would. Because he was your football coach, remember?)
Orson: I do remember. Know how to say Zook in German? Das ist pronounced "Kiffin."
Holly: Kiffykins is more of a wakeboarding type.
Orson: He's been riding the wave of being born in the right place quite well, that's true.
Holly: Nepotism! Does a body good. How IS Steve Jr?
Orson: Not foolishly in charge of a major football program.
Holly: (Seriously, how is he? I have no idea.)
Orson: Remember that Steve Spurrier, Jr. cannot possibly be overshadowed by his father's shadow now that the OBC has passed away.
Holly: Sidebar: you know what coach's son I'd swap Kiffykins for? Skip Holtz, for the sole reason that I bet Kiffy would wear a pirate hat to press conferences at ECU as though nothing was amiss. This would be unassailably awesome.
Orson: In two years, your dream can come true...provided Notre Dame doesn't hire him first.
Holly: It's ready when you are:
Orson: The only consolation when Kiffykins makes his exit is that UT and Notre Dame will fight for the same highly coveted coach, and we can exult in the common joy of watching an SEC outmaneuver ND for a coach. Again.
Holly: I will cut you.
Orson: I have named Jonathan Crompton your starting quarterback for the year.
Holly: I have named Wondy Pierre-Louis your starting corner.
Orson: (Only one of these is true.)
Holly: I will fucking cut you.
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I notice that Holly called the Georgia Tech guys “lads.”
She is slowly assimilating the speech patterns of Bill Stewart.
She likes him, she really likes him!
by An 'eer with a beer on Sep 18, 2009 12:10 PM EDT reply actions
Is there wagering? Please, please, let there be wagering.
by Slothrop on Sep 18, 2009 12:18 PM EDT reply actions
Please, please, let there be wagering.
Hey, remember that time we had that bet and it was executed to hilarious effect and then one of you charming assholes sent the link to my mother at her government email address at her place of employment? That’s why we can’t have nice things, ever again, where “nice things” = “titties”.
by Holly on Sep 18, 2009 12:21 PM EDT reply actions
I wouldn’t worry, Orson. If you were chained to the GT defensive line, they’d mostly circle around slowly, trying to find their own asses.
by wfguiteau on Sep 18, 2009 12:23 PM EDT reply actions
Actually I had not heard the rest of that story. It just gave me brief chills about workplace Internet usage.
by Tim James on Sep 18, 2009 12:42 PM EDT reply actions
O-
Correct me if I’m wrong, but as a Gator it appears most of you- especially you- have an equally intense hate for both Tennessee and Florida State. As an outsider, the difference seem to be that you have at least a little respect for FSU’s success that doesn’t exist towards UT. Si o no?
by Big Jon on Sep 18, 2009 12:46 PM EDT reply actions
Can Godzilla and Bambi really have a hate off?
I always thought a hate off required roughly equal opponents. . . .
by allaha on Sep 18, 2009 12:50 PM EDT reply actions
Hell, there are FOUR malls in Charlotte, if you include going to Eastland to get assaulted and gang raped. That would be good for Kiffykins.
by yoyofutbawl on Sep 18, 2009 1:09 PM EDT reply actions
Alabama license plate spotted on I-20 (one of those University plates with the logo)… “IHTTN”
May Urb leave his seed so far up Kiffy’s a$$ that he can taste it on the back of his tongue.
by PeterPumpkinhead on Sep 18, 2009 1:13 PM EDT reply actions
I was waiting for a zinger worthy of “dick mitten” of years past…
by Just Another Michigan Man on Sep 18, 2009 1:14 PM EDT reply actions
Holly, what was more disturbing to your mother…the public display of her daughter’s chest or the proprietary claim thereto?
by Vol on Sep 18, 2009 1:27 PM EDT reply actions
Holly, Holly, Holly….around these parts “nice things” always equals “titties”. Your explanation was redundant.
by Chuckles on Sep 18, 2009 1:32 PM EDT reply actions
The Gator band will work up more of a sweat then our offense!!!!
Lame Kitty will be more then knocked off old Cocky Top….
Mr Tebow will handle the Lame Kitty Baptism into the SEC!!!
I only wish Lame Kitty’s cherry had not been popped last week….
Go G A T O R S ! ! ! ! !
by MrGreggo on Sep 18, 2009 1:34 PM EDT reply actions
/Searches cache
Yeah, Holly, they are pretty nice.
by GamecockTony on Sep 18, 2009 1:44 PM EDT reply actions
You’re not really surprised your mom found out, are you ?
by BamaCPA on Sep 18, 2009 1:47 PM EDT reply actions
Quite, actually. Who the hell reads this site and doesn’t like boobs?
by Holly on Sep 18, 2009 2:07 PM EDT reply actions
Year in and year out? I must be watching a different game that week every year. Leave us out of this.
by Silver Britches on Sep 18, 2009 2:12 PM EDT reply actions
#11, I guess the tag you saw means that “IH8TN” was already taken.
Now, back to nice things…
by I want to see them on Sep 18, 2009 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
After UCLA beat Tennessee at their place 19-15, Kiffy offered that his Vols should have won the game by “two or three touchdowns”.
Makes me think of Aldous Snow…. one can only hope that the Gators spread Kiffy’s testicles like a wafer and cover them in a layer of honey and then have wasps come and sting them and then have them covered in another layer of vinegar and then have it worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi.
by Doctor Strange on Sep 18, 2009 2:40 PM EDT reply actions
Slight Correction Dept:
I read this site and don’t like boobs….I LOVE boobs…
Pretty women & college footbaw…what can be better?
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 18, 2009 2:42 PM EDT reply actions
Tim Tebow does not appreciate all this talk about “raping Lane Kiffin” to show dominance. He says it turns normally straight men to the devil as they seek to exert power in their impotent lives.
Instead, it is better to simply cast him into a Godless void for all eternity. That’s much more family-friendly.
by Tim on Sep 18, 2009 2:53 PM EDT reply actions
Big Jon @8:
I don’t know if how I feel is representative of all Gator fans and I certainly can’t speak for Orson, but I’d have to say that Florida has three hated rivals: Georgia, Tennessee and Florida State. I think generally which is more loathsome has to do with a fan’s age. If you are older than, say 35 or 40, then it’s unquestionably Georgia. They’re the only main rival to have a decidedly lopsided record against Florida and the way they beat down Florida for the majority of the all-time series is, I dare say, Meyeresque. With me, personally, it’s FSU which I hold with absolutely no respect for their success whatsoever. Their record got fat and bloated throughout the 90’s rolling through the candy-ass ACC bottom-feeders of the college football world and their fans never bothered to realize they don’t exactly do that anymore (unless you consider “that” to mean throwing up a bagel against Wake Forest at home). Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I live in Florida so I’m surrounded by Seminoles, but when Tennessee wins it’s usually not against Florida and I don’t have to watch anyone gloat about it too much.
by rjsplow on Sep 18, 2009 2:57 PM EDT reply actions
“Who the hell reads this site and doesn’t like boobs?”
Are we talking real boobs, Ralph Freidgen boobs or Jesse Palmer-type boobs?
A little specificity, please.
by Counter Trap on Sep 18, 2009 3:14 PM EDT reply actions
Jesse Palmer does need to exercise a little modesty, seriously man, your parents are probably watching…
by Philip on Sep 18, 2009 3:23 PM EDT reply actions
“Holly: You’re alive! As a reward, you may spoon fat-free Miracle Whip into Ralph Friedgen’s maw while he frantically gameplans for Middle Tennessee State.
Orson: The real football power in the state."
This was Mugabe, Set, Match as far as I was concerned.
by ya lawya on Sep 18, 2009 3:33 PM EDT reply actions
The search engine here is rude.
I typed in “Holly’s titties” and it responded: Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn’t here.
That sucks.
by Mike on Sep 18, 2009 3:38 PM EDT reply actions
(to the tune of She’s Fine by Hurricane Chris)
Call him Eric Berry, Eric berry
Eric Berry, Eric berry
He runnin like a deer,
Hits like a truck
Knock you to the ground
He dont give a fuck
Eric Berry, Eric berry, Eric berry……
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Sep 18, 2009 4:12 PM EDT reply actions
Will their be an atomic detonation if Berry and Tebow collide in the open field while both running full speed?
by Mike on Sep 18, 2009 4:35 PM EDT reply actions
This game is such an obvious blowout in the making, that I’m reminded of USC vs Stanford from a couple of years ago. When so many people are believing there is not doubt about the outcome of a game, it is the time to beware of an upset.
by oc phil on Sep 18, 2009 5:15 PM EDT reply actions
oc phil, that’s a fun theory. Are you from Nielson Ratings?
by Vol on Sep 18, 2009 5:28 PM EDT reply actions
No, I’ve just been around long enough to see what happens when a team starts believing that there is no way they can lose a game.
by oc phil on Sep 18, 2009 5:44 PM EDT reply actions
See ya tomorrow at gametime, Gators. Hope you all die of chlamydia.
by Vol on Sep 18, 2009 6:15 PM EDT reply actions
@37
If Tenn can get to Tebow and knock him out of the game, they have a good enuff defense to hang tough. The problem of UT is that they have a QB that is worse than JPW, and that limited offense has to go against a competent defense from Charlie Strong.
If Lane Kiffin can pull this off and squeak a last minute field goal, he will be LEGEND.
Monte Kiffin is the name that would worry me the most, not Lane. UT will have to play Beamer Ball of sorts, and keep the Gators from fast breaking scores. Good Luck with all that.
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Sep 18, 2009 6:45 PM EDT reply actions
“Orson: I was going to open by suggesting that I will wrap you in a giant sheet of latex, and then tell Tim Tebow you were an enormous penis in need of circumcision.”
You’d have to get in line behind all the other penises.
by John in Huntsville on Sep 18, 2009 7:34 PM EDT reply actions
I’m sorry, I couldn’t make it halfway through this before crowning this the best hate-off ever (sure, I missed the first two, but I called Godfather III the best of the trilogy without sitting through V 1.0 and 2.0, and I stand by my assessment.)
by Jack Fact on Sep 18, 2009 10:31 PM EDT reply actions
Tennessee is fine with UF speed – it’s the heavies and the depth it can’t match.
The pressure is all on the Gators. This game can only go well for the Vols.
Florida can vanilla run this one into the books. If they go for the knock-out
passing game, it opens them up to an upset (aka winning by less than 28).
If they go Tebow-left, Tebow-right, they win without a sweat.
Or maybe someone will break Tebow’s jaw…
by Three Days of Orange on Sep 18, 2009 10:46 PM EDT reply actions
We ARE the football power in the state!
by MightyMightyMitzu on Sep 19, 2009 12:22 AM EDT reply actions
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