STEFANO FROM MIAMI WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS THE CROWD
Music blasts at ProPlayer Stadium. The score 33-17 glows on the board. Bats circle the floodlights.
Stefano sings along with the PA music.
We at the Ro-tel, Motel, Holiday Bin!
We at a no tell, coat tail, all the way fin!
I fuckin’ love that song. Brah, you tried to deny the U! You tried! Even when we was at wars in Boise! I couldn’t go because I got stuck in Club Excess for two weeks straight. I almost died, but I got bottle service and lived off the snack mix until I could pull myself out. IT WAS AWESOME.
At random man not wearing Miami gear.
Hey! You! You look like you like sucking dick!
At random woman.
Hey Mami, come here!
Stefano stuffs a pound of hot carne asada into a woman’s cleavage. He eats it motorboat-style. The crowd salutes him by firing their pistols in the air.
You tried, but tha U was waitin’ like Najeh in a closet to shit in your shit, you know?
Know what happened tonight, world? We wiping asses with your fine linens, that’s what we about. WE BACK BABEEEEEEEEEE.
At other random man.
You look like you like it in the ass. Don’t lie. You do.
At crying girl.
Hey, you! You cryin’?
Girl: Yeheheheheheheheheheheheuuusss.
AIN’T NO CRYIN’ BOUT THIS U, BITCH! You see Sean Spence cryin’? HELL NAW. He’s MAKING PEOPLE CRY.
Stefano slaps crying girl. Brahs exchange “U” sign.
We lose Patrick Dicks and get with the Whip-style, and BLAOW. Jacory Harris rippin’ shit. His head ain’t skinny, it’s aerodynamic. Makes his brain go fuckin’ faster through time and makes him eat pussy at supersonic speeds. VRROOOOOOOM! Like a Hoover vaccum with a Heisman.
Hey, watch this!
Stefano screams YOUUUUUUUUUUU for three minutes straight, flashes “U” sign.
You know what we did to you tonight Georgia Tech? Da U is me, Papi, and Tech is your dick-snackin’ ass, and is Mami. I pull up and ask Mami if she need a ride. She’s like, “Where you going?” And I’m like “My house.” Three hours later I’m kicking her out all ragged and shit. That’s you, Georgia Tech, with a sore ass and waiting for Metrobus while I take off in the ride. MAMI YOU GOT MUDDED BY THE WHOLE DAMN CREW.
Eats an entire mojo chicken, drinks five Bud Ices.
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
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1
TampaGatorGal says:
hooooly shit! Yo soy de Miami, yo naci en el norte de Miami, y soy gringa, pero- omg…i am still trying to recover. there was talk earlier of a Peabody..Idk, but i expect to see some sort of award after this post. it reflects the comments of my high school crew over at facebook earlier tonight. wow.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:01 am
2
OPS says:
I cannot get over the conspicuous gold glitter on the man’s chest, exactly where the woman’s face would be if she were suckling upon his man cans. I’m not accusing anybody of anything; I’M JUST SAYIN’.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:03 am
3
Dan says:
I think one of the rules is, any program that has an in-field serving as a red zone gets no respect, no matter their record.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:25 am
4
beta_gator says:
It’s funny cause that’s how they act.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:30 am
5
Brizzle says:
So I guess this means asshole fans and asshole commentators mentioning Asshole U a lot more now. I love it. I love it when players take off their helmets after an average tackle on a player who gained 12 yards. I love it when players celebrate first downs like a come from behind Super Bowl win…woo hoo Miami is back.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:44 am
6
Chachi says:
The whitey in the GT cap next to the crying baby, how many times was he accused of being a homosexual tonight?
September 18th, 2009 at 1:21 am
7
NOLAcane says:
I love being the bad boys again. Keep the racist garbage coming, keep us off the schedule for a few more years, and maybe yall can pretend you arent afraid that you woke the sleeping giant.
Jacory Harris = Not a virgin.
Carry on.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:30 am
8
CJ says:
Bad boys? Win a meaningful bowl game again and then talk. You’re 2-0.
Keep us off the schedule too – it’s not a one-way street. Believe me, it would not have been a fun thumping the
past 6-7 years as you have been rebuilding. And no one’s worried about a sleeping giant down there. Guns,
drugs, lack of fans, yes; not sleeping giants.
Jacory seems like a decent kid and is very likable…how would you know about his virginity?
Randy Shannon = not a good coach.
Try and win your half of your ridiculous conference or else maybe think about going into the Sun Belt where
having 143 fans at a game isn’t embarrassing.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:12 am
9
Chas says:
A better question is why a program with access to the fertile recruiting grounds of Dade/Broward/Palm Beach ever went dormant in the first place. But hey, credit where it’s due: Jacory Harris is a stone cold killer, and Mark Whipple has thus far put him in a position to succeed. Make no mistake though: The Canes early success this season is a direct result of the exponential improvement of Jacory Harris; and the exponential improvement of Jacory Harris is a direct result of replacing Patrick Nix with Mark Whipple. The only bad thing for U is that with every stellar performance by Miami’s O, Whipple becomes that much more desirable to fill any coaching vacancies that occur as the season goes on. And when that happens, will you find another Whipple or another Nix?
Oh, and Orson, I think you missed Stefano – in between questioning the sexuality of anyone dressed different and looking to start fights with anything that move – drunkenly slurring “We got some Canes over here!” about 40 or 50 times and giving multiple shout outs to the Three Oh Five. Other than that, pretty much spot on.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:44 am
10
Mickey Underpants says:
Orson, I was hoping to be the first to post about the crying little girl. When I saw that last night while watching the game I was shocked but then giggled a bit. It kind of reminded me of how Coach Shannon would have looked in the locker room after the Gators tacked on the extra field goal last year .
September 18th, 2009 at 6:28 am
11
ya lawya says:
There’s just something about the North Avenue Trade School that makes me think the next two weeks for Miami (Vtech and Oklahoma) will be sad panda times for the mojo chicken industry.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:42 am
12
Orson Swindle says:
NolaCane: Lessee, there’s an accusation of racism, claim of fear/dodging, and reference to “bad boys.” You, sir, have seized the triple crown of Miami fandom.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:06 am
13
Darkknight says:
GTU is a phantom holding call from BEEing 1-2
Coach Johson to O lineman coming off the field, for a national TV audience to hear : “Are you really that stupid?”
I didn’t think the NATS could ever hire someone as unlikeable as O’Lardy, but maybe they have. Keep it up, you no-lipped, man-boobed POS
September 18th, 2009 at 7:11 am
14
Golden Hand says:
Miami has an excellent offensive line, and more than adequate skill players. Georgia Tech has only the latter. Eh, its one game; Tech will probably splatter UNC next week. Miami’s offense looks pretty good, though; I’ll believe they’re not when I see a defensive lineman in the same time zone as Jacory Harris.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:12 am
15
Husker4MU says:
The funniest part of the night wasn’t during the game, it was the commercial with Donna Shalala flashing da U sign. GT’s commercial countered with dorks on trikes, not a female to be seen.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:27 am
16
Crabapple Buck says:
VT is winnable and Oklahoma may or may not have Bradford back, also winnable now. I’m afraid Miami might have slipped into some schedule karma if they get past the first 4 games. Any loss after that would be an upset.
BTW, they get tOSU in Columbus next year and in Miami the next.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:36 am
17
UFmegood says:
We’ll see how “back” The U is when they play a team with a real secondary. Jacory Harris is hitting his receivers in stride and all, but those balls (LOL!) hang up in the air for quite some time. A team that can recognize a developing pass play and close on the ball shouldn’t have any trouble defending that.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:52 am
18
SH says:
Levante su mano si eras un ‘fan’ de la universidad de miami, y vivas in coral gables. Nadie? Creo que no.
One day I’d really like to take a survey of fans at a U game to see how many actually have a highschool education.
Orson you are a modern day Upton Sinclair.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:06 am
19
Charlie says:
I wonder what Stefano’s major is at Mijami?
September 18th, 2009 at 8:08 am
20
anon says:
1) What do you think that dad in the pic will be more embarassed about, the fact that he’s flashing his crying 2-year old daughter all over national TV or the fact that the reason his daughter is crying is because her dad REALLY wanted to dance to the song from Blade and the crying baby was worth it for him?
2) I can’t imagine mixing the tOSU and Miami fan bases. Stefano meets Subcommandante Wayne… And we thought the ‘Worlds Largest Outdoor Taxidermy Convention’ would destroy the universe! Oh well, if nothing els, Jersey sales should skyrocket…
September 18th, 2009 at 8:09 am
21
sb says:
While I do not doubt the stereotypical representation of the Miami fan, I find it hard to believe that someone would choose to live that lifestyle…thug, homophobe, questionably cock-sure, insecurely defensive, outspokenly obnoxious, socially unacceptable. I am no highbrow aesthete, but sweaty, loud and stupid doesn’t seem to be a desireable life choice…and what a reputation for a reputed institute of higher learning…Shalala should be so proud.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:10 am
22
Tom Tuberville says:
Thank goodness the rumors of my imminent hiring at THugE U are quelled, even if temporarily.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:13 am
23
ohiodawg says:
Tell me again why this ratbag conference deserves teams in the Top 25 and the big least doesn’t.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:17 am
24
d761 says:
#2-
Dang. Just threw up a little in my mouth.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:21 am
25
Kevin@LSU says:
Jacory Harris isn’t a virgin but, he used to pay for strange.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:32 am
26
Brizzle says:
I was just reading your 52 Reasons ESPN Sucks… piece from a couple years back, and, Orson, it’s still fuckin funny. Can we add this fuckin movie about “Da U” to that list?
September 18th, 2009 at 8:34 am
27
The Great Barstoolio says:
#21 has clearly never attended a football game.
KILLLLLLLL HIMMMMMM.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:10 am
28
meatybob says:
I am starting to believe that if you are the HC at Miami, that it is almost harder to NOT have a behemoth FB team. All of them are from Miami, all are fast, now with a solid O-line? Just…fuck.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:40 am
29
Croc says:
@7 Jacory Harris = Flavor Flav
September 18th, 2009 at 9:41 am
30
ShaMac says:
Wow…that chest hair is really disturbing. Also feeling queasy now that I’ve noticed the glitter – thanks, #2!
And to the Cane fan…not sure what Jacory Harris not being a virgin has to do with anything, but here’s another for you:
Jacory Harris = not a Heisman winner, either.
Here’s to Miami being brought down to earth by VT and/or Oklahoma, sans or avec Bradford. Otherwise their fans will be insufferable.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:50 am
31
Walt says:
Ladies and Gentlemen, your Chairman of the Board of Trustees, University of Miami, c. 2029.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:50 am
32
JD says:
Do you realize how many bandwagon teams have been tearing it up this year? The Steelers, the Tar Heels (in basketball), the Lakers, the Yankees… the U springing back to life would just be the cherry on top of the shit sundae.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:52 am
33
oaklandbear says:
We beat the U pre-Whipple last season though it was with our own John Crompton in Nate Longshore. Not sure what Cal would do against them this year but I like our chances. Being from the left coast I have little to no experience with the U and its fans (the Emerald Bowl was cold and the U fans few and far between). However if life imitates art (and Orson’s art is usually spot on) then I def. want to see Miami and it’s fans against a rival like Florida or FSU. PAC-10 fo life fooooo!!! (crappy rip off of U fan).
September 18th, 2009 at 11:08 am
34
PeterPumpkinhead says:
Umm… didn’t the girl next to him see Goldfinger???
September 18th, 2009 at 11:25 am
35
Totes McGotes says:
I need me a “U” belt buckle. That shit is awesome.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:36 am
36
SierraSpartan says:
Did the moobs get the gold sparkle on them before they got shaved, or after?
September 18th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
37
justanotherbuckeye says:
@20,
The fan bases did mix(proportional to reality I might add) in Tempe Arizona in 2002. It was 200K buckeye fans and about 10K Miami fans. Miami does not have a fan base, they have a gang.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
38
Godfather of MuhFucking Soul says:
Swindle, I have been a LONG time reader and fan…but we must all admit: the Grand PooBah of Fan Satires is Tawhmy from Fahkin Quinzee
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/tag/tommy-from-quinzee
September 18th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
39
UFgeomajor says:
Publix mojo chicken is the shit
September 18th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
40
General Disarray says:
“Stefano screams YOUUUUUUUUUUU for three minutes straight, flashes “U” sign.”
“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, Son.”
September 18th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
41
Orson Swindle says:
NO ONE DENIES THIS.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
42
Reasonable Bama Fan says:
I’m calling it now: Miami beats Oklahoma, Bradford or no. Probably loses to Va Tech though.
Not a Cane fan at all.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
43
John says:
It’s almost enough to make Michael Irvin take up crack again.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
44
JTG says:
That was Donna Shalala in the UM commercial? I thought it was that dwarf Gimli from LOTR…
September 18th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
45
Nitty Gritty Grassman says:
Have Stefano and Tony Stewart ever been seen together? Cause the resemblance is frightening.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
46
An 'eer with a Beer says:
@2 et al
I’m still not convinced the person in gold glitter is a female. It is Miami, after all.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
47
TampaGatorGal says:
@An ‘eer with a Beer
odd you mention that…. I remember thinking, “oh, dear” about the green glitter with braids to the right of orange glitter- brain couldn’t assign a gender role when that hot mess flashed up on the screen…then wondered why brain wanted to do that- don’t really care at all.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
48
lolthink says:
@37- Think about it, who has more motivation to go to Arizona in January? People in Florida where it is the same nice weather as AZ, or in Ohio where it is frozen?
September 19th, 2009 at 11:10 am
49
gaytorbait - HA says:
Hello there kettle, many thanks for waking up the gator fans who spent far too many hours with jose, jack,, jim, etc this weekend and for the alum who were so upset at what mean old kiffy said.
look, just because you discovered college football during freshman orientation a couple years ago and beat miami for the first time in your lifetime i’m pretty sure you dont have a clue about the typical canes fan. I’m glad the uf fan hibernation ended in 06 because the rest of the world was begining to forget how lovely you all are to outsiders. Luckily we had the short lived surge of usf to compensate, but here you are, you beautiful butterfly.
Last time we were in the swamp (44-16 yup), I was referred to as a black and beans and rice eating, innertube drving, lawn mowing, diswashing, …you get the point. If only my polo had blue instead of green and my khakis were made of denim cut off shorts, I would’ve blended in with all the high class ladies and gents around me. Yes, I’m as white as you.
Your poop is a lovely scent, and its nice for you to be so angry, because that means we’re back but the hostility is a bit unnecessary, you think? I mean you’re number one baby, and we’re just a bunch of thugs not getting arrested 24 times in 4 years with a coach who would sit out a player with swine flu, so he obviously sucks.
But it might be time for a trip to landshark stadium (as sterile as your obgyn’s office) to find out for yourself about the normal canes fan, instead of listening to your on campus corresondant, “joe fratastic”, who thinks watching scarface once a month makes him an expert on miami.
Funny, yes. Accurate, not even close.
Just ask fsu fans, those trailer living, chris rix humping, bowden snorting, you get the point.
September 20th, 2009 at 10:19 pm