FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: GEORGIA TECH AT MIAMI
by Orson on Sep 17, 2009 3:30 PM EDT
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PrintWelcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview Georgia Tech at Miami. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the necessaries and completely arbitraries of the official beginning of your weekend, the Thursday Night special featuring the Boys' Club (Jesse Palmer imitations! Chris Fowler roaring with unrestrained glee! Everyone looking at Erin Andrews, and then looking away ashamedly! Craig James doing the broadcast with his finger stuck in a Diet Pepsi can, "Cause it got stuck that way, ma!")
Georgia Tech hopes to avoid the curse of being Factor'd for the second week in a row as the Factor Five favorite, since they actually won in this spot last week and thus broke the curse of being the favored team.
Enjoy.
Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. For Georgia Tech, that number will be 472, or the number of yards allowed in this matchup last year by the Miami defense to Tech's offense. Miami's defense spent most of last year lunging at bright lights, tackling giant invisible rabbits, and laying down on the turf weeping when faced with an option play, and by the fourth quarter had given up hope altogether by allowing Lucas Cox, Tech's geology-back, to take a leisurely continental drift up the middle for a long touchdown. Miami must not allow anything close this yardage to stay in the game, or else the Angel of Death arrives for them in the fourth quarter running a 5.2 and sending the Tech bench into gusts of laughter at a white fullback outrunning Miami LBs into the endzone. A possession back running loose in a blowout will and should do that to an audience.
For Miami, that number is ROOM 222 BAILAMOS CHICAS!!!
Apologies. A dance break was clearly in order.
Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn: Jacory Harris only got sacked twice against FSU, and then had his lodging of choice with ample-assed boricuas, aerobicized white girls from Coral Gables, well-waxed Cubanas, and Overtown sistas with his name tattooed in his mouth following his 386 yard, 2 TD performance against Florida State.
The gaudy yardage posted by the Afro Butterfly isn't the key number, however. The number of concern should be 2, the interceptions Harris threw, of particular importance due to the necessity of staying ahead of possessions against Tech. Once they get the ball they can squat on it for days, so maintaining even opportunities for Miami to score against a potentially clock-grinding Tech offense is of paramount importance for the young Harris. Do that, and the hotels, motels, Holiday Inns, and abandoned beach chairs of Dade County will be open to you yet again, young man.
Cutting down on the INTs could be significantly easier if Miami runs for more than 90 yards, a likelihood given Clemson's 121 against the Jackets last Thursday.
Advantage: Miami.
Miami, You've Been Factor'd! (BITCH) (BECAUSE IT'S MIAMI) (BITCH)
Category Two: Mascot: Sebastian the Ibis does have his upside. He's violent.
He is the only mascot we know of to be shot in the line of duty, though it may surprise you to note that this did not happen in Miami, but instead in New Orleans, a place so sketchy even Miamians consider dodgy business. He also dances frequently, drives a tricked out Hummer around campus, and is the alleged father of Gloria Estefan's third child. He has his resume, and it is impressive.
Sadly, Sebastian is not Buzz, and does not eat members of the Georgia Tech band on command.
Advantage: Georgia Tech.
Georgia Tech, you've been factor'd!
Category Three: Aura. As limp as the homefield advantage for Miami might be in Landshark/Pro Player/ Joe Robbie/ The Coke Bowl might be, it still has the charm of being filled with Miami fans--who, shockingly enough, suspect you are both physically weak AND A HOMOSEXUAL, SIR? They're an underrated home presence as long as Miami's in the game, and are usually drunker than normal fans thanks to free and legal beer sales in stadium. It's a nasty fanbase when even the nice men in wheelchairs want you dead and rotting facedown in an abandoned corner of the Everglades.
"Fuck you and your gay camera, Mr. Walking Asshole."
The team is on a testosterone upswing, too, having beaten a rival and discovered some semblance of offense.
Advantage: Miami.
Miami, You've Been Factor'd! (BITCH)(BECAUSE IT'S DA U)
Category Four: Names.Tech's roster, being bland, loses instantly to Da U's roster of fine, musical monikers.
Adewale Ojomo
Aravious Armstrong
JoJo Nicolas
Ramon "Cookie" Buchanan
Vaughn Telemaque
Ray Ray Armstrong
Javarris James
Advantage: Miami.
Miami, You've been factor'd! (BITCH) (STARTS FIGHT IN TUNNEL)
Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? For Miami, certainly. Chan Gailey played the part of "The mediocre coach who nonetheless owned one team lock, stock, and barrel," and for additional LULZ, and who doubled the pain by pawning off offensive coordinator/aspiring insurance salesman Patrick Nix on Randy Shannon, who then installed Nix and his offense in Coral Gables, leading Miami fans to question Shannon's eptitude and local gun laws concerning the penalties re: ownership of high-grade military-quality sniper rifles. (We kid. Miami resdients don't consult legal code of any sort before doing anything.)
Four in a row for Tech is one of the sure signs that Miami is at an ebb, program-wise. A win could reinforce the notion they are ascending from the depths of idiocrity, while a loss prolongs one of the nation's odder win streaks of historical bullies being beaten senseless by furious geeks.
Miami, you've been factor'd! (BITCH) (SHAVES U LOGO INTO BACK HAIR)
EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 4-1, Miami You've Been Factor'd! Reminder: THIS MEANS BET ON THE OTHER TEAM. It's the counterindicator of counterindicators, though the Factor Five is 1-1 on the season after Tech dodged the curse of the F5 endorsement last week by actually beating Clemson. Still, a vote in your direction, Miami, does not bode well for the prospects of Tech not calculating a fifth win out of the 'Canes. Still, remember that Miami backwards spells "I Maim," and no one can take that amusing and truthful coincidence away from you.
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BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
by Golden Hand on Sep 17, 2009 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
Sorry: if your mascot gets shot in the fucking face with an AK-47 and nonetheless appears on the sideline LATER THAT SAME DAY, then no bee — no matter what it eats — can compare.
That factor, my friends, swings back in Miami’s favor.
by allaha on Sep 17, 2009 3:59 PM EDT reply actions
while GT did win last week, they didn’t cover, so technically the factor 5 5 factor is 0-2 against the spread
by MC on Sep 17, 2009 4:06 PM EDT reply actions
Even better than the Sebastian getting shot – scroll over to the left on that article link and you’ll see “Vols Bring In Fulmer With Win” and talk about super-sophomore Heath Shuler.
Well played during Hate Week, Swindle.
by Jerkwheat on Sep 17, 2009 4:08 PM EDT reply actions
Thursday night football was like the best idea EVER! It truly kicks off the weekend (who gets anything done on Friday anyway?) and since the addition of dear dear Jesse Palmer it is definitely a weeknight delight.
Yea…WWL!
by zzgator on Sep 17, 2009 4:33 PM EDT reply actions
If you believe Miami is very, very good, that also means you think FSU is pretty good too, as Da U’s shootout win over the Semenholes is the sole data point available to gauge how good Miami is. FSU is, in fact, very much UN-good this year, as evidenced by them trailing Jacksonville State with less than a minute to go IN TALLAHASSEE.
FSU is demonstrably a bad team, and Miami won a squeaker (and wouldn’t have if Ponder merely aimed for the receiver’s knees and not the turf). I have my doubts about Miami’s ability based on those two data points, which is marginally better than every fucking other person outside of Atlanta who is basing their opinion on one data point.
I’m not saying GT is going to curb-stomp Miami like last year, but I think GT’s defense is far better than they’re getting credit for and Miami won’t light up the scoreboard the way they did at the end of the FSU game. Tech wins a good, well-played game 35-28, with Miami putting up the fourth TD in sorta-garbage time with less than 1:30 on the clock in the 4th. 350ish on the ground, 150ish through the air (yes, 500 yards of offense) and Harris throws at least one bad pick early.
by Chris on Sep 17, 2009 4:34 PM EDT reply actions
The name Lucas Cox is not as fun out loud as his older brother’s, Mike Cox.
by softbatch on Sep 17, 2009 4:34 PM EDT reply actions
Just noticed that the Sebastian portrayer who was shot was thirty-three years old.
Seriously?
by zzgator on Sep 17, 2009 4:36 PM EDT reply actions
To clarify, the 350 on the ground, 150 through the air was for GT’s stats. Miami will be more like 230ish through the air, 120ish on the ground.
by Chris on Sep 17, 2009 4:37 PM EDT reply actions
“It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than a bullet hole in the head to keep me from this game.”
yeah, i think sebastian deserves the nod on that one…
and which is better backwards: i miam or a slut?
by okiedomer on Sep 17, 2009 4:56 PM EDT reply actions
man, I am still so jones’ing from the summer I am willing to watch this bitch-slap fight of a game
bring on the weekend and let’s get to that Fla-Tn game… now there’s a game with potential for serious curb-stomping
speaking of bitch-slapping and curb-stomping…who’s playing ND this weekend?
by WarChiziken on Sep 17, 2009 5:10 PM EDT reply actions
Seriously, I still hate Miami from the encounter I had with the fans back in 92 before the Sugar Bowl on a flight from ATL to New Orleans. I would Legarret Blount Falon Punch that dude in the wheelchair and not feel bad at all. Better yet, Id toss him down the stairs.TWICE.
by Mr.Pelican Pants on Sep 17, 2009 5:41 PM EDT reply actions
Speaking of great names. Just above the mascot being shot item, there’s a caption alluding to Stanford tight end Ryan Wetnight. I’m sure that never got him any shit around the junior high years.
by twogreattastes on Sep 17, 2009 5:46 PM EDT reply actions
FEAR THE I!
Engineers by 2 in a hard, hard contest.
by nick black on Sep 17, 2009 6:07 PM EDT reply actions
Any reason there’s a knife ad on this page boasting “Feel free to admire our restraint”? I’m from Miami. Bad juxtaposition. We use guns anyway. Got some funny stories of off-duty cops pulling AR-15’s out of their trunk and 9 MM’s out of their wheel well when threatened outside of a SoBe nightclub.
/thatshowwedointhe305bitchesrecognize
/luthercampbellshouldhavebeenthefirstblackpresident
by chaimy4life on Sep 17, 2009 7:03 PM EDT reply actions
Yo bitchez. Takin’ a break on the sideline just to let you know the U is back! Fuck you and your bitch ass defense. The Doggfatha will eat that shit up all night LAWNG!
Y’all play football like yo mama sucks my dick . . . slow and sloppy. Our defense is fuckin you Tech bitches like you wuz cellmates. Northwestern! Woof woof woof!
Oops, Tech TD. Fuck, an onside kick? Really? This look like pop warner? We on that shit.
Aiight, I’m back in the game, y’all. Peace.
by Snoop Dogg QB on Sep 17, 2009 10:33 PM EDT reply actions
Consider this:
Insects v. Clemmons: 24 points off STOOPID by middle of 2nd OTR.
6 in 2nd half.
Look at this game. POOR game plan. Insects thought they’d beet dem the same way last year. DUH.
Unless PJ can use the PASS to light up thangs. He be ded, like against LSD lat year.
They are capable of 14-24 pts max vs. ACC. Less vs eee sss cee. 3 to 13. Cept for my Starksvilians. We can beet dem 41-39.
by yoyofutbawl on Sep 17, 2009 11:24 PM EDT reply actions
Did I actually hear Corch Paul Johnson scream “Stupid!” at his offensive lineman on national TV?
by Wozzo the Wonder Dog on Sep 17, 2009 11:39 PM EDT reply actions
wtf? sorry! @21- still LMAO @ the Northwestern reference! ok, too late if i’m biffing the typing bit…wahoo! thursday night football, and Hate Week is in high gear- Go Gators!
by TampaGatorGal on Sep 18, 2009 1:26 AM EDT reply actions
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