CURIOUS INDEX, 9/17/09

by Orson on Sep 17, 2009 9:25 AM EDT

OHHHHHH, MYYYYY. Brandon James, now in his eighth year of eligibility, will still be returning punts for the Florida Gators in the spare time he has when not playing the part of fraternity house midget in Oxford, Mississippi. His knees come with standard blocker evaporation generators and side mirrors for total field vision. Here's the demo video. (Warning: Brandon James is a professional breaker off of fools, bustas, and Volunteers. This may seem redundant, and is, but it's really fun to say.)

Crompton and Jones get along fine for an inept quarterback and gifted receiver pair. There is no "spat" between Gerald Jones and Jonathan Crompton. There is simply "spit," as in "Jonathan Crompton spits daily on any chance I have of making draft money by throwing to the third row on sideline patterns." See? They're both clear on the arrangement.

Perhaps you don't find brain trauma as funny as we do. Gary Busey, Dan Hawkins. Barking Carnival puts the two in a sweat lodge with some peyote and lets the magic happen.

Busey: Bring Tammy to Greeley, Colorado. Cover him in bear grease. Offer him a protractor, a Judy Blume book, and a wolfskin. Set him loose. Six days. I will hunt him with a bolo and a war pony. If he survives, he goes to the next level

How easily this could be real is testimony to how completely screwed Hawkins is right now at Colorado.

Gossipy, sundress-wearing, donut chomping churchy maven-bitch. It's more fun to imagine Phil Fulmer as the fan-waving 300 pound gossip queen than as a grizzled former head coach, if only because that's how he comes off on the page, especially when he's taking the high road by taking what can best be described as the middle road, which is located several feet below aforementioned high road. To those now off Fulmer's Christmas card list: we'll sub his usual "slice of cheesecake slammed into an envelope and sent through the US Mail" and send you one if your year won't be complete without one. Send addresses.

A completely outside opinion. No, seriously, some people who don't completely want to set the other side on fire are writing about the UT game, too.

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The Barking Carnival piece was GOLD, Jerry, GOLD!

by jd4au on Sep 17, 2009 9:42 AM EDT reply actions

speaking of the UF-UT game…

Is there going to be a “hate-threat-off” between Orson and Holly again this year? It’s one of your more under-rated pieces the past couple of years.

by CincySooner on Sep 17, 2009 10:12 AM EDT reply actions

… and yes, the Barking Carnival link was transcendental. I could feel the presence of Gary Busey coalescing in my cubicle.

by CincySooner on Sep 17, 2009 10:20 AM EDT reply actions

I am still confident that once Tim Tebow gets done screwing Lane Kiffin this Saturday, he cannot be considered a virgin come Monday. Remember, if you are outscored by Tebow by 5 points or 50 points, you are a better person for it.

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Sep 17, 2009 10:37 AM EDT reply actions

Tim Tebow can beat you by 50 and baptized your children in one smooth throwing motion. He’s that good, nay, devine. I mean, I heard he had like, 30 goddamn dicks.

by Kevin@LSU on Sep 17, 2009 10:45 AM EDT reply actions

Rusty and Rev lost credibility saying Florida beat Tennessee LAST year 59-20. It wasn’t 59-20 last year, it was 30-6. The 59-20 was in 2007. Say, when is the last time Tennessee got beat 59-20? Anyone? Anyone? Raised or lowered?

by ALGator on Sep 17, 2009 10:52 AM EDT reply actions

If Jones and Crompton were feuding, exactly what would that look like?

by Counter Trap on Sep 17, 2009 10:56 AM EDT reply actions

Ah, I love seeing the Brandon James endzone escort service (Ut Punt Team) in action.

My wife, the Vol Fan, has developed the worlds safest drinking game for the UF-UT matchup.

Do a shot every time UT score a touchdown, you’ll be stone sober for the entire game… I suggested that you do a shot everytime crompton throws a pick or an incomplete. That way you can forget what happened and why you are miserable.

by Fred on Sep 17, 2009 11:09 AM EDT reply actions

Maybe by the 10th year Brandon James will be able to return a punt without having to look over his shoulder for the yellow flags that always seem to rain down.

by BDoc on Sep 17, 2009 11:23 AM EDT reply actions

When informed that some fans wanted to play a giant catfish at quarterback this Saturday, Gerald Jones expressed interest in the idea.

“I’d like to see what kind of moves that catfish has, see if we click well or not.”

by Tim on Sep 17, 2009 11:23 AM EDT reply actions

I don’t know. I think Tennessee leaves it all on the field this time in a heroic 27-3 loss.

by Biggus Rickus on Sep 17, 2009 11:36 AM EDT reply actions

Rusty and Rev lost credibility saying Florida beat Tennessee LAST year 59-20.

Not to mention using the phrase “Florida’s gimmick spread offense.”

I refuse to believe anyone in the Swamp has ever actually seen Brandon James cross the goal line on a punt return. Once he’s at about the 30, every pair of eyes in the stadium scans back to the other side of the field to look for the laundry—and always finds it. Dammit.

by TJ on Sep 17, 2009 12:07 PM EDT reply actions

Say what you will about Mick Hubert’s shortcomings, but hOH MYYY! is a hell of a catchphrase.

by BurritoBrosShits on Sep 17, 2009 12:25 PM EDT reply actions

ALGator -

My research indicates that 59-20 was UT’s worst loss since a 44-0 thrashing at the hands of Georgia in 1981.

by JD on Sep 17, 2009 1:01 PM EDT reply actions

College Football based fan fiction will go down as the greatest writing of the 21st century. Are blogs eligible for a Peabody award? I’d look and see, but the site is hosted at UGA, and their search page is buggered.

by vegas_buckeye on Sep 17, 2009 2:05 PM EDT reply actions