Ole Miss, in just a year and a half of sustained football excellence, have bypassed the stable, prosperous stage of football glory and skipped ahead to the decadent, endstages of Caligula-esque imperium. They don’t want the steady, stable period where fans behave semi-normally, coaches don’t hand out hundreds for good play, and orgies don’t break out with shocking regularity. They prefer to skip right to the part where they enjoy the Senators’ wives, thank you very much.

caligunutt
Please, Senators’ Wives are ready to pleasure you! Also, take a scholarship offer at the door.

Proof of this: the hiring of dwarves, a sure harbinger you’ve entered the decadent phase of a civilization’s lifespan.

I am looking to hire a professional Dwarf Actor for frat house party entertainment at the University of Mississippi in Oxford Mississippi.

No amateur dwarves, please. They want someone who is committed to their dwarfdom, and not someone who just puts it on for dinner theater presentations of “Under the Rainbow” or your random Quebecois dwarf-tossing competition before going back to being someone full-sized. Tim Conway as Dorf, get your ass out of here. We’re not afraid to beat an old man unconscious, something David Cutcliffe knows all too well.

Pay is negotiable at around $150 hourly. Outstanding applicants should be no taller than 4′10” and have at least 6 months experience in any entertainment venue.

“Any entertainment venue” shall be defined as Harrah’s Tunica or Biloxi, officiating cockfights, tripping people in malls, or a go-cart track.

Expected tasks include dressing appropriately for the season such as elves for Christmas and leprechauns for St. Patrick’s Day.

Additional holidays celebrated will include Confederate Memorial Day, where you will dress as miniature Robert E. Lee, Arbor Day, where you will play a box hedge; and Easter, where you will dress as the Easter Bunny. The fraternity assumes no responsibility for your being shot by overly zealous local hunters. All risk assumed is yours.

Must be very cool around sober and drunk people and keep them entertained via telling jokes and general hilarious shenanigans (Like Weeman from Jackass). Rest assured we will provide the utmost care that you are not physically harmed at these social events and will not expect you to do anything outside of your comfort zone.

You will be physically harmed at these events, and expected to do many things outside of your comfort zone, especially if you are black. Oh, MOST especially if you’re black, but $150 an hour is $150 an hour. (At least they pay now.)

In all seriousness, this is a terrible omen that Houston Nutt will appoint a horse consul and fiddle as the Grove and its chandeliers burn. We’re all but certain they wrote about this kind of decadence destroying the Roman Empire in Gibbon’s Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, but we’re not reading it. We saw Mad Men two weeks ago. Hearing Gibbon’s prose gives old men strokes, and we have to make it to Saturday at least.

Serious applicants only please.

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(HT: Dr. Saturday.