ACC OFFICIATING ENTRY TEST

by Orson on Sep 16, 2009 1:10 PM EDT

Have you longed for the experience of officiating a college football game in front of hundreds or sometimes even thousands of fans? You can! Take the following ten question survey to determine if you have the right stuff to be an ACC official!

1. The ball is kicked on a legal kickoff to the returner. The ball is then fumbled at the 27 yard line, and rolls out of bounds untouched by the kicking team at the 32 yard line. The ball will be placed:

a.) Sorta where it went out.

b.) The spot should be reviewed by video, during which you should have a confab with your fellow officials about that crazy scene at the Holiday Inn Express last night involving Rob Stone, a ficus tree, and half a bottle of lighter fluid.

c.) At the 20 thanks to an incorrectly and randomly assessed clipping call assigned to "Number 68" on the receiving team. (This does not matter if they're on the bench: no one ever checks their rosters anyway in the moment. Old ACC refs trick!)

d.) The ball will be rekicked because you were not paying attention of a "substitution infraction."

2. Player A strikes Player B in the helmet after the whistle is blown. Player B retaliates by pulling a blackjack from his sock and kneecapping Player A. The proper penalty is:

a.) Personal foul on Player A only

b.) Personal foul on Player B only

c.) Personal fouls on Player A and B, with Player B getting an ejection

d.) THIS IS NOT A PIPE.

3. The official's role in keeping the pace of a game can be best described as:

a.) A custodian of proper timekeeping within limits

b.) A bolus blocking the obstruction of all progress in the game.

c.) A theatrical rubber stopper plugged into the drain preventing all flow and rhythm from developing in-game at all times.

d.) Trick question! B. and C. are both correct in varying degrees, but can be better summed up with the two words "Ron Cherry."

4. Identify the error in the sentence in the triangle.

a.) Nothing. Looks fine to me.

b.) Paris is not a word.

c.) The word "the" is used twice.

d.) I'll tell you in six days.

5. The quarterback is engaged in the act of throwing with the ball is stripped from him before it leaves his hand. The ball falls to the ground and is recovered by the defense. Possession goes to:

a.) The offense, because we weren't watching again.

b.) The defense, because we were distracted by the lights.

c.) Pull in fellow refs for ten minute confab, because holy shit, really, have you ever seen someone do that to a flaming ficus tree, much less in public?

d.) Whoa, wait a second. Let's explain this whole "quarterback" nonsense you're talking about here, mister.

Did you answer "d." to all questions? If so, YOU MAY BE AN ACC OFFICIAL. Send your resume and $300 to John Swofford c/o The ACC, P.O. Box 24-17, Basketballseasonstartsinamonthandahalf, VA. $300 is a non-refundable processing fee, and most definitely won't be spent on a Maserati and expensive booze. Nope.

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Comments

The best part about the ten question survey is that it is five questions long. So the ACC refs can’t count either.

by Justin on Sep 16, 2009 1:23 PM EDT reply actions

“The ACC – Making Big Ten officials look competent for over 50 years!”

by GamecockTony on Sep 16, 2009 1:42 PM EDT reply actions

Personal Foul………“He was giving him the business”

by Dan on Sep 16, 2009 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

“Have you longed for the experience of officiating a college football game in front of hundreds or sometimes even thousands of fans?”

Well played.

by fresh on Sep 16, 2009 1:56 PM EDT reply actions

I can’t wait to see what happens when Question 2 actually becomes an issue during the GT @ Miami game. Although if last year’s game is any indication, the attempt to kneecap Dwyer will simply result in a seventy yard touchdown run when the offending player swings halfheartedly, misses, then lays on the ground and watches his intended victim receding into the distance.

by wfguiteau on Sep 16, 2009 2:10 PM EDT reply actions

Ron Cherry=Affirmative Action at work.

by drb on Sep 16, 2009 2:20 PM EDT reply actions

As a Clemson Alum, I am insanely paranoid and suspicious of just about everything and everybody. Especially those pesky ACC zebra’s (football, basketball, fencing, etc).

It’s good peace of mind that ACC ref’s are merely incompetent and not biased.

BTW, I am selling Ron Cherry ring tones if anyone is interested.

by IM A MAN IM FORTY on Sep 16, 2009 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

GamecockTony, that is not possible. Making a Big Ten official look competent would most likely cause the universe to collapse upon itself.

Personally I happen to like the incompetence when it coincides with, say, a call that ought to go in Notre Dame’s favor and then does not, but for the most part it is an unavoidable aspect of Big Ten athletics. I can only vouch for it in football and both men’s and women’s basketball, but I’m fairly certain that if I were to attend a soccer game, the Big Ten refs there would be equally inept. (Offside? That’s when the goalie moves off the line before the ball is snapped, right?)

P.S. Ed Hightower.

by zlionsfan on Sep 16, 2009 2:53 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,

ACC-related quizzes are your best work. Keep them coming.

by das on Sep 16, 2009 2:54 PM EDT reply actions

Slight correction:

Have you longed for the experience of officiating a ~~BCS conference championship~~ college football game in front of hundreds or sometimes even thousands of fans?

Excellent work, Orson

by BackyardBrawler on Sep 16, 2009 3:09 PM EDT reply actions

@10 – Theres never thousands of fans at the championship game.

by dr on Sep 16, 2009 3:33 PM EDT reply actions

Steve Usecheck would’ve been the Michael Jordan of ACC Officials had he not been fucking up the Big 12.

by Brizzle on Sep 16, 2009 3:49 PM EDT reply actions

dr is right. I thought it was tens or sometimes even hundreds of fans – some of whom actually BOUGHT tickets to the game.

by hobeg8r on Sep 16, 2009 4:20 PM EDT reply actions

I’m convinced that Ron Cherry is the motherfucking antichrist. Can’t wait to see him down in Atlanta in two weeks. Ugh.

by chewbakka on Sep 16, 2009 4:21 PM EDT reply actions

What no mention of not knowing the rules about substitution being used to trick a team. It seems the refs don’t know who’s on the field any better than Clemson’s coaches.

by 69Dawg on Sep 16, 2009 4:41 PM EDT reply actions

I’m still not sold on the ontology of the pipe…

by Justin on Sep 16, 2009 5:31 PM EDT reply actions

The answer to number two is D. Of course it’s not a pipe, it’s a crapload of 1s and 0s. Where’s my zebra uniform?

by Cochese on Sep 16, 2009 6:09 PM EDT reply actions

Well at least they don’t let chicks officiate:

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4478744

jk Holly

by Tanner on Sep 16, 2009 6:32 PM EDT reply actions

Screw you Magritte and the bowler hat you rode in on!

by EastHoustonPondwater on Sep 16, 2009 6:37 PM EDT reply actions

First off, there’s not a chance in hell that the ACC uses officiating in their games. Get that fixed!
Secondly, I wouldn’t mind seeing some female officiating in college football if Hooters does the uniforms.
Lastly, Orson…
thousands and thousands of cocktails to you my good man!

WAR EAGLE!

by KoolBell4AU on Sep 16, 2009 9:28 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, I’m disgusted that yet again you choose to pick on poor defenseless officials and impugn their reputations, safe in the knowledge that they won’t be able to fight back.

I’ll have you know that ACC officials stay in the local Marriott and wouldn’t be seen dead slumming it in a Holiday Inn. And I’m also extremely surprised that you, a man of the world, has never seen…that…done to a blazing ficus tree.

For shame, Swindle. For shame. Now play nice or Ron’ll send his boys round to give you the business, if you know what he means. (If anyone does, could you tell us? We haven’t got a fucking clue either…)

by George T. Zebra on Sep 16, 2009 9:35 PM EDT reply actions

I am just amazed that there are any ACC refs left since they all got that huge payout and annuity after the Swindle in the Swamp…I mean, those Cayman bankers were working overtime getting those accounts set up just before the game began. I really enjoyed the unbelieveable officiating shenanigans that financial motivation produced for reFSU, like the non-fumble maintenance of control and possession by calf-muscle…a kickoff return/hit/fumble and non-recovery maintenance of possession…and many other acts of supreme fantasy. Alot of refs can retire on a BCS game payoff…

by sb on Sep 17, 2009 2:15 PM EDT reply actions

Anyone watching the UM GT game will be able to attest that ACC refs must also possess the massive balls that allow them to declare a first when the chains, upon being brought to the field, clearly show the ball was short. Maybe they were confused about on which side the ball was supposed to be.

by Tanner on Sep 17, 2009 8:21 PM EDT reply actions

Tanner, what you and the rest of the country got to see was the referee saying “Ah, fuck it, it’s close enough, first down!”

I assure you, that could have happened to any fucking conference in the land. They all do it, it’s just that these guys weren’t smart enough to get someone to stand in front of the HD camera.

by George T. Zebra on Sep 18, 2009 8:30 PM EDT reply actions