THE MAGICAL VILLAGE OF PRIG-A-DOON
Lane Kiffin sometimes goes on runs before games. He claims he gets lost…or does he go somewhere else entirely? (Around the 10:00 mark)
KIFFIN jogs down a wooded Tennessee lane in the morning mist.
Kiffin: I got that boom boom wow/ tan checks and plaid turnstiles/ I’m coaching them up wow/ boom boom boom boom boom how…boom boom BOOOOOOOM…
KIFFIN notices he is lost.
Kiffin: Uh-oh. This looks as unfamiliar to me as
A bright light explodes from the sky above him. A charismatic man with flowing hair appears above him. The smell of Stetson cologne and cigarettes is overpowering and intoxicating.
Kiffin: The ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze!
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Hello, Lane Kiffin. You have journeyed far today to a magical place beyond your understanding.
Kiffin: But there’s a Stuckey’s right behind us.
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Those pecan logs are as far from you now as the moons of Uranus.
Kiffin: [giggles]
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: [sighs, shakes head.] You must now come to the place you have been chosen to see. It is a magical place, filled with enchantment, mystery, and music.
Kiffin: Ooh, Branson!
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: No, Lane. I present to you the magical village of…PRIG-A-DOON!!!
Kiffin: Wait…how’d I get this skirt on? And why am I dancing? Are we undefeated?
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Yes, you are. You beat UCLA last week. Tennessee is undefeated. You’re going in at even money against Florida. You just got a particularly talented fifth grader with sweet dodgeball skills to commit seven years ahead of time. Ed Orgeron doesn’t urinate on your desk to mark his territory every morning. In short, Lane Kiffin, life is perfect here in Prig-a-doon, all the time, every day.
Kiffin: So I can act like a total clueless dick, and it will still work no matter what I do?
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Yes, Lane. In Prig-a-doon, everything you do works.
Kiffin: Hey, high school coach? Gimme your recruits, you backwater dickneck who doesn’t understand my impressive credentials?
High school coach with coveted recruits: Sure! I’ll throw in my wife for free!
Kiffin: Dad, wake up! Tell me I got here on my own merits!
Monte Kiffin: [/stirs from nap] Failing with the Raiders is like succeeding as a retirement home pickpocket, son. Either way you’re robbing a sick old man for money. Oh, and you deserve everything you have, and your relentless networking and family connections had nothing to do with your otherwise inexplicable rise to becoming the head coach of a major program. [/falls back asleep]
Kiffin: Ed, get me a cup of coffee!
Ed Orgeron: PUTTA DA CREMEINDERE JUSSALIKEA YOULIKEIT. WIFFATWOSPLENDAFORMAHBOSS!!!
Kiffin: Wow, Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze! Everything IS perfect in Prig-a-doon! What about Jonathan Crompton? Is that him over there playing horseshoes?
Jonathan Crompton, dressed in barmaid’s outfit with lace up bustier and wig: Hey, coach! Watch!
Crompton winds up and throws three horseshoes in succession hitting a small girl in the face, breaking a window twenty feet to the right, and fumblng the last out of his hand before completing his throw.
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: There are some things not even the most fantastic fantasy can fix, Lane.
Kiffin: That’s okay. Say, when can I come back here?
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Everytime you win a game, Lane Kiffin, the magical village of Prig-a-doon will appear in the woods behind this Stuckey’s. Then you may enter and feast and dance to your heart’s content.
Kiffin: Wow, so I can come here every weekend, then!
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: We have you scheduled for four visits this year not counting the Ohio game, and most definitely not after this weekend. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to ramble on, Lane Kiffin.
Kiffin: Hey, Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze, pain don’t hurt, right? Unless it’s the pain of having multiple inoperable tumors, right?
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: You’re gonna have to leave now.
Lane: But I’m having a good time!
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: You’re too stupid to have a good time.
GHOST OF ROAD HOUSE PATRICK SWAYZE roundhouse kicks LANE KIFFIN into Stuckey’s parking lot and out of Prig-a-doon.
FIN
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1
Vandy J says:
RIP, Johnny, and thanks for doing some good business with Hello Kiffy on the way out. =)
September 15th, 2009 at 11:46 am
2
Gamecock'n'Balls says:
Too soon? No. NOT SOON ENOUGH.
September 15th, 2009 at 11:47 am
3
CincySooner says:
A bright light explodes from the sky above him
Damn… with that intro, I was hoping for Crazy Old Testament God after the jump.
September 15th, 2009 at 11:49 am
4
Orson Swindle says:
Crazy Old Testament God visits Kiffin this weekend.
September 15th, 2009 at 11:50 am
5
CincySooner says:
I suppose you’re right O… COTG is gonna be busy this Saturday.
I expect that Kiffykins is looking at the Florida game the way a 30-year-old man looks at his first visit to the bunghole doctor. How bad can it be, really?
September 15th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
6
GamecockTony says:
@CincySooner- somehow, that analogy fits perfectly.
RIP Dalton.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
7
WhiteSpeedReceiver says:
Hate week is my favorite week of the entire year. Patrick Swayze was just dying for it to get here.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
8
Jack Fact says:
Slightly off-topic, but…where can I purchase my “Hello Kiffin” t-shirt? I plan on dry-humping Kirk Herbstreit during the pre-game this Saturday, and I require proper attire for the occasion!
September 15th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
9
Mitch Cumstein says:
So does Meyer = Brad Wesley?
September 15th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
10
zzgator says:
So Stuckey’s pecan logs are the new Krispy Kreme donuts?
Freek couldn’t get a sullen Fulmer in the background somewhere? Or is he not allowed in Prig-a-doon?
September 15th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
11
yoyofutbawl says:
Most of the Tennessee offense will look like Ben Gazzara at the end of Road House by the 4th quarter.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
12
DCPowerGator says:
Shouldn’t that be prag-a-doon, as in “bend over prag” ala Oz? of course there are no shortages of prags wearing creamsicle orange but who can play the big aryan biker dude? forced to pick, i gotta say its the urbinator.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
13
Kerwin4two says:
Glad you went there instead of Ghost of Three Wishes Patrick Swayze. By the way, Urban Meyer used to Fuck guys like Lane in Prison.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
14
GatorinTX says:
@ 9 Mitch —
We need to change Swayze classics here … Meyer = Johnny Utah. Kiffy = Bodhi. “You crossed the line. People trusted you and they [signed letters of intent]. You gotta’ go down.” Tebow = the 100 year storm.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
15
pic6bamr says:
@14 then Saban is Truman Gates
September 15th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
16
Mr.Pelican Pants says:
I know you like Patrick Swayze, but Michael Jackson had like the best funeral ever../Kanye’d
Ghost of Dalton,eh? I thought your Halo would be bigger…..
September 15th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
17
okiedomer says:
smell of stetson and cigarettes really made me think it was going to be schnelly after the jump
and is it just me, or does kiffy bear a striking resemblence to jimmy clausen?
September 15th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
18
NewAZTiger says:
Lane Kiffen = Poor Man’s Mike Shula.
September 15th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
19
dirt sandwich says:
#18 – too soon, too soon.
September 15th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
20
Vol says:
Y’all are probably going to mail this one in, but you know, that’s why they line it up and play the game, bitches. If we get killed, everyone will think that’s what was supposed to happen. But if by some miracle, the Lord shines his light on the good men from Knoxville, and blesses Crompton with the ability to…well to do ANYTHING…it will be a thing of pure glory, and our grandchildren will be regaled for hours on the day the Hogtown boys laid the biggest egg in the history of their program. So bring it. We have nothing to lose at this point.
September 15th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
21
Mr.Pelican Pants says:
#20
Nobody puts Kiffy in a corner……
September 15th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
22
Mr.Pelican Pants says:
Ghost of Red Dawn has only one word for Jimmy Clausen:
WOLVERIIIIINNNNNNNNNEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!111!!!1!!
September 15th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
23
tommy k says:
Is it just me or are the tennessean woods channeling a thomas kinkade painting?
September 15th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
24
Phocion says:
Red Dawn Ghost of Patrick Swayze, [at the execution of Gene Chizik and Kiffykins] Do you want blindfolds?
Kiffykins: This violates the SEC convention.
Red Dawn Ghost of Patrick Swayze,: I never heard of it!
Kiffykins: Dogface! I show you how Golden Boy dies!
Urban Meyer: I’ve seen it before, pal.
Dan Mullen: [who is tied up in the distance, with the horses] This isn’t happening! Ghost of Patrick Swayze, let him go! He was one of us!
Red Dawn Ghost of Patrick Swayze,: Shut up, Danny! Shut up!
Urban Meyer: He told them where we cheaters!
Red Dawn Ghost of Patrick Swayze,: He did. Now get your rifles.
Bobby Johnson: *No!*
Red Dawn Ghost of Patrick Swayze,: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Bobby Johnson:*We’re not doing it!*
Kiffykins: [to Chizik] Boy, say at me you are friend, so I will not die alone.
Bobby Johnson: What’s the difference, Ghost of Patrick Swayze?
Urban Meyer: I’ll do it.
Bobby Johnson:Shut up, Urban!
[to Red Dawn Ghost of Patrick Swayze]
Bobby Johnson:*Tell me what’s the difference between us and them!*
Red Dawn ghost of Patrick Swazye: Because WE *LIVE* HERE!
September 15th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
25
King Cockfight says:
You laugh now.
But you’ll be laughing even harder on Saturday.
Save your energy is what I’m saying.
September 15th, 2009 at 10:38 pm