Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Clemson at Georgia Tech. We reintroduce the most superficial, capricious, and altogether specious preview available in college football, the Factor Five Five Factor Preview, brought to you this year by Turfman’s Products for Men. That’s Turfman’s, fine providers of essential masculine living products such as “Turfman’s Sanitary Rubberized Personal Windsocks For Intimate Moments.” When the winds of passion blow, be sure you’re protected from the elements with the responsible use of “Turfman’s Sanitary Rubberized Personal Windsocks for Intimate Moments.”

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. WILLY KORN. That had to be said before addressing any other issues here, since the invocation of Willy Korn’s name instantly generates magic. And turnovers. Did we mention turnovers, such as the fumble for six in the game against MTSU last week, or the pick he threw two plays later? Those should be mentioned, as should the zero touchdowns Clemson has scored in their last two visits to the Flats. Other numbers worth noting for Clemson: one, as in the number of CJ Spiller’s not listed on the injury chart this week: two, the number of wins Clemson had in Thursday night games in nine attempts under Tommy Bowden, and zero, the number of Tommy Bowden bitch mentalities present on the Clemson sideline this season.

For Tech, the number is three, the number of fumbles against Jacksonville State the Jackets lost thanks to all intensity evaporating for Tech after their first drive against Ryan Perriloux’s Plan B. Paul Johnson’s theme this week–besides the usual constant scowling and strutting redneck alpha-dogging constituting much of his day–has been harping on Tech to maintain consistent intensity on both sides of the ball, something that waned very much badly in the second half of the Jacksonville State game. Paul Johnson does not want that target bombed, soldier: he wants you to scrub the earth where the town used to stand until it shines like new glass.

The problems for Tech do not amount to the scoring of points, but the consistent will to do so throughout a game, whereas Clemson has questions at quarterback against a team whose strength is its secondary. Where did we put that factorin’ stick….

Advantage: Georgia Tech

Georgia Tech, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Two: Mascot: Eight Ball the Tiger has his charms. He’s awake late at night! He’s always willing to go out! He talks really quickly and sometimes steals your television set when you’re not looking, so you can’t call him boring!

LET’S GO TO MEXICO WE CAN DRIVE THERE TONIGHT MY GOD LET’S GET SOME HOOKERS AND ROCKKKKK.

On the other side, we have a mascot who wears black Chucks, has a floppy foam rubber abdomen, has parachuted from a plane in costume, has realistic insectoid eyes and still manages not to frighten children, can clear the wall surrounding Grant Field in a single bound, wears white formal gloves as a part of the getup, conducts the band, and was the spontaneous invention of a Tech student who thought dressing up as a huge, tight-wearing bug would get a girl’s attention. (You’re damn right it worked.) Buzz can do a front flip in costume, will be the first mascot in space once they work out the details ‘n shit, and rappelled off a forty story building in downtown Atlanta…FOR CHARITY. You lose, Cokey the Tiger.

Advantage: Georgia Tech.

Georgia Tech, you’ve been factor’d!

Category Three: Aura. While not the chaotic purple and orange roar of Death Valley by any stretch of the imagination, Bobby Dodd Stadium certainly has its charms. They drive a real car made of hard metal around a crowded field prior to games in an irregular fashion. They have a ripping student section (ridiculous facepaint and wigs, check,) aren’t afraid of unintentional irony by getting a bunch of sleep-deprived engineers to bob their heads to Young Jeezy’s “Put On For My City,” and the setting in downtown Atlanta gives you the fun of watching terrified suburbanites gambling on where to park their car in what used to be a very, very bad neighborhood. (Not really true anymore, though the Tech campus is bordered by three strip clubs on Marietta street, or as we used to call them at the Sam Nunn School of International Affairs, “study halls.”)

There is also the charming Budweiser song, which like most things Tech is pure Dadaist fun. Look, a bee conducting a marching band!

Advantage: Georgia Tech.

Georgia Tech, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Four: Names. Clemson wins this one in a landslide, as GT’s roster is mostly fairly normal names with a few Pan-African delights (Osahon Tongo, Onu Okebie) and “Embry Peeples” in there to provide a modicum of spice.

Clemson, however, has a feast for the NOTY-inclined among you.

Kourtnei Brown
Crezdon Butler
Corico Hawkins
Willie Korn
Da’Quan Bowers
Malliciah Goodman

By the time you get through these it’s a landslide. Adding someone like “Tyler Shatley” to the pile is just overkill, really.

Advantage: Clemson.

Clemson, You’ve been factor’d!

Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? Sheer cussedness is a Paul Johnson specialty, but we are talking about teams that faced each other in varying stages of undress last year in a 21-17 Jackets win in Clemson. The Tigers did a respectable job holding the rush-first, rush-forever Tech squad to 207 yards rushing in their first game under Dabo Swinney’s supervision, while Tech was still very much in the process of figuring out how to run Paul Johnson’s offense. A year later Tech is weaker on defense, Clemson is down a step on offense, and we’re back on par again, save for the game being at Tech in a year when the only thing stopping the Tech offense is itself and the vagaries of the coin toss and who gets the ball last. In a shoot out, you bet on the guy with the biggest ammo belt, and Paul Johnson is walking in with dual bandoliers across his oily, Groundkeeper Willy-esque chest, especially now that he gets A-back Roddy Jones back from a wrist injury. (A stands for Annihilating, the B in B back stands for Battering.)

Georgia Tech, you’ve been factor’d!

EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 4-1, Georgia Tech You’ve Been Factor’d! Reminder: THIS MEANS BET ON THE OTHER TEAM. It’s the counterindicator of counterindicators, as last week’s Factoring of NC State helped them to a pants-shitting performance against a South Carolina Team that could have been beaten with a few happy thoughts and ten points of offense. Embrace the Factor’d at your own risk, reader!