Good morning. Ricky is an Alabama fan. Ricky wears boat shoes indoors. Ricky takes Alabama football very seriously, and sometimes gets very excited about the games. Ricky sometimes uses words he shouldn’t, words your boss wouldn’t like, and one word that black people definitely do not like. Ricky doesn’t care for your table either.

(Seriously NSFW audio. Don’t even try it.)

Son, Nick Saban likes the intensity, but not the lack of composure. You have to put yourself through the process to become a champion, and in your case that process is probably a series of rubber restraints during the game mixed with some Haldol and half a handle of Jim Beam. It’s worked for us for years. If that fails, there’s always toaster abuse to take the edge off a tense moment in a game. Oh, and you won that game, Ricky.

Ricky, one last thing. The n-word can only be used by three white men ever: Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet–NSFW!–, Slim Pickens in Blazing Saddles, and Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker.[also NSFW] Otherwise, it is completely verboten, like wearing your goddamn shoes inside, you heel.