GUEST COLUMNIST: TOMMY KILBORN, NOTRE DAME LAW STUDENT
Tommy Kilborn, ND Law Student, Admits He Was Wrong.I have to confess, everyone: I was wrong. There was a time, early in the first quarter at the stadium on Saturday, when the Notre Dame defense had allowed a few runs there and there to the Nevada Wolfpack, that I really thought about giving up. After all, I called for the firing of Head Coach Charlie Weis just one short year ago. Those were hard times, and I thought that rather than finding the silver lining, those gray clouds just above our heads would just stay where they’ve been for most of Charlie Weis’ tenure: right above our head and raining.
Turns out I was as wrong about that as I was wrong about Coach Weis, since the only thing raining down on the stadium Saturday were touchdown passes from Jimmy Clausen to Golden “Hands” Tate. For the first time, I really think I can say this:
Wake up the echoes, because we’re back, baby!
NOTE TO EDSBS.COM EDITOR: Should I say that? Baby makes me sound like a Miami fan, and I don’t want to come off as thuggish. I am embracing a more “street” look these days, and have been hitting the shoulders pretty hard at the gym. But I don’t want that to influence my writing on the University. They are not subject to the fashions young men have to adopt to fit in from year to year, and until I settle down, I will adopt the modes and looks of the day. But then again, my writing about Notre Dame should be “fresh” and “contemporary,” right? A bit of slang in there doesn’t demean what I feel toward my alma mater, and its soaring gold dome, emblematic of so many good things to me and all of the other lucky enough to get into our very selective university that Michigan tried to strangle in its cradle? It’s just a style question, and though you’re not quite the writer I am, I do respect your opinion. So what do you think? I would never consider calling Charlie Weis “bro” or anything like that, but it’s just a question. I’m interested in what you think about it.
Cut this before you post. It is not part of the piece.
I certainly respect what the Nevada Wolfpack did, but they just couldn’t hope to keep up with the brilliant scheming by Charlie Weis and his offensive staff. The energy in the stadium was unreal! I saw several alums even stand during plays because they were so excited, though they did sit down quickly and courteously when the ushers came along to settle things down. You can’t blame them, ushers: Charlie Weis football in its full glory has that effect on people.
Now that he has his team and system really installed and operating, it is time for the Irish to assume their rightful spot at the head of the table in college football, and that all starts next week with our big game against scUM. (Sucks!)* The Skunkbears think they have turned around their disaster of a program by beating Western Michigan. Please, Skunkbears! When you play a team that finished last year in a three-way tie for second in the WAC, we’ll talk. In the meantime, you can hope all you like, but Charlie Weis and his strategic advantage will make you hate the site of Tate and Floyd running down the field almost as much as Fielding Yost hated Catholics. (Rich Rod is from West Virginia. Are you the only people in the U.S. that go to West Virginia for brainpower? I mean no respect for my three classmates from the Wild and Wonderful state. They did all go to private school, though. I just think that should be noted.)
After we humiliate DickRod, the rest of the schedule is a breeze, including Fredo and U$C. They’re playing a freshman at quarterback? The sign of a program on its last legs for sure. Poodle must be getting desperate.
You’re probably wondering: who do I want to see them play? Well, I say bring on the Gators, and we’ll show Urban Meyer what a 40 year mistake he really made by not coming to his real home at Notre Dame either as a student, or as a coach. (Though I don’t think he could have gotten in with his test scores. He also decided to coach at Florida, and that is failing a crucial admissions test right there, IMHO.**)
In other news, I’ve decided to go to law school after deciding that finance, though very exciting, was not for me. Where am I going, you ask? Notre Dame law, of course, meaning I’ll be at every game this fall rooting for the Irish with all my heart. I realized three months ago that becoming a lawyer has been a lifelong dream of mine, and hope you’ll understand why I had to leave Spalding and Currant and their lucrative trading house in Chicago. I’d love to talk more about it, but I am forbidden to discuss ongoing litigation, and can only say that the truth will out when the case goes to its civil trial. It’s like an internship where I get to testify, and that’s part of the fun.
I’m on Facebook, so if you like you can contact me with tailgate info, law school meetups, networking opportunities, or if you just want to hang out with another ND alum who understands just what you love about Notre Dame.*** Until then, GO IRISH, and see you in Pasadena!
*You can take that out if it’s too offensive. It’s a running gag and a stylistic device, a way of stopping and starting the argument to let the reader know that even though you are writing this editorial, you aren’t above being a fan and joshing with them a little bit. It’s like this thing I wrote in skit night once, a piece where we did called “Borat comes to South Bend.” I did an edgy line where Weis–my buddy Carlyle–came in, and as Borat I said “This coach is NOT BLACK.” We didn’t think we’d get away with it, but everyone laughed and it worked out just great. I miss those days.
**”In My Humble Opinion,” a frequently used acronym and bit of internet shorthand.
***Unless you have questions or comments about the ongoing civil case against Spalding and Currant and my actions as a trader there, in which case you will be blocked and referred to my attorneys.









1
lt.winslow says:
needs more ginger
September 8th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
2
landshark says:
Unless I am mistaken, doesn’t the ND Leprechaun have facial hair and isn’t he expected to do pushups following every Irish score? This guys pic doesn’t bode well for the ND season.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
3
Tim says:
Lost suspension of disbelief when he said he was hitting his shoulders in the weight room. Everyone knows that poseurs (even full-on gym rats) work on their biceps and triceps!
September 8th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
4
Holly says:
Cue the descending crowds from ND boards in 3….2…
September 8th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
5
She Blinded Me With Violence says:
@ Holly
YOU PICKED NEVADA OVER NOTRE DAME!!!1!!ELEVENTY!!!1!!!
September 8th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
6
Yinka Double Dare says:
I call bullshit — a real Domer would never admit that he was wrong.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
7
Vol says:
No talk about the Vols today?? Cat got y’all’s tongues?? Our domination of a mid-level high school team got everyone thinking twice about all the ripping on Kiffy??
September 8th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
8
rusty says:
While I’d like to be angry about this post, it’s far, far too close to the truth to be angry about. 100 bottles of Michael Collins to you, Orson.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
9
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
Contract Extension Dept:
Give Pear Bryant a five-year extension!
September 8th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
10
Crabapple Buck says:
I didn’t see Pepper the Comeback Dolphin on the broadcast Saturday, but I think I spotted Tommy. At least this year his internship will be with Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
11
Matt ND says:
Screw that noise. I would prefer if you get a little more factual information in your jest. For we Notre Dame students feel it is our calves needing the most work during the close of the warm months. They will not see the light of day much longer as the leaves start to fall and the first frost is nary a fortnight away. You are just jealous of our history of rich tradition and tradition of rich history. I would take this seriously if you would be worth the time Mr. Swindle, but sadly you are not. You did not even give us or own rightful letter in the football alphabet. We had to share the spotlight. Those days are over! You will rue the day you crossed the ND nation. Vengeance! Vengeance!
But yeah, that was pretty funny. I’d also like to redact the fredo -BC thing. Its not working so well…
September 8th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
12
Domer Guy says:
Gawddammit, I thought we would at least get to week 3 before this happened again.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
13
NDEddieMac says:
Missed you Tommy Kilborn.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
14
BennyBeav says:
This doesn’t really relate to our good friend Tommy, though I’m sure in his former life as a trader he regularly perused The WSJ. Regardless, there is far too much unintentional comedy here not to share it with the group.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203585004574392690174667788.html#articleTabs%3Darticle
September 8th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
15
Daviehamsufferer97 says:
Cue the crowds of people thinking Tommy is real in 5…4…3…2…1…
September 8th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
16
DanF says:
#14 – Excellent find – hysterical
September 8th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
17
Vol says:
Holly,
It was tongue-in-cheek. Get a grip, sista.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
18
Anonymous IV says:
As a practicing Catholic I am obliged to dislike Notre Dame until they paint over Touchdown Jesus with the Virgen de Guadalupe and their head coach rides in lowrider.
Until Tommy has some serious tattoos for his guns he will have no street cred.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
19
The Dude Abides says:
Joe Ciccarelli is a Catholic wiener. Ryan Lieberman is a Jewish wiener.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
20
Anonymous IV says:
#14 – that was a great article to find and I enjoyed the response that echoes Delany’s response about academics and the Big Ten.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
21
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
I would like to debate the benefits/drawbacks of ND laundry service, which is in a league of its own……
September 8th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
22
Anonymous IV says:
#20, that was funny, but I will only debate you if they still use the world Chinaman or Celestial for the staff of the ND laundry service.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
23
femtg says:
so much win
September 8th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
24
MC Hammer says:
#15, while I did realize he isn’t real, it wasn’t until after I already hated the d-bag. Of course, it didn’t take long to build up vitriol toward Tommy — heck, the picture gets you half-way there. He did come across as very “street”, though.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
25
the Biscuit says:
I don’t know why you had to pick Tommy to rep ND on this blog. He was such a tool as an undergrad, bro. My old roommate was a black, hispanic, gay, bi, she-male, left-wing tree hugging feminist, pro-choice, jewish buddhist herbalist who loved to spend its time with mother nature and weed dealers, talk about social equality and progressive ideals without any smug superiority or self-righteousness, and had a tight grip on the reality of our football program. He/she/it was representative of all ND has ever stood for, and should be your guest coumnist from now on. You can reach it at DemocratshemalejewbuddhistNDfan@hotmail.com. Make it happen.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
26
Holly says:
I don’t know how my original comment disappeared, but I WILL GET A GRIP WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT GRRR GRRR.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
27
Kevin says:
If your first job doesn’t involve testifying in open court (or at least a labor-management grievance committee) you clearly went to MTSU.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
28
President Rome says:
Tommy is retarded. I think it was Mike Floyd catching all the touchdown passes.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
29
Chas says:
Does the return of Tommy Kilborn mean that we can look forward to a Subcommandant Wayne sighting ahead of this week’s Clash In Columbus ™ ?
September 8th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
30
yoyofutbawl says:
Tommy, The Cumberland School of Law is waiting on you. They appreciate your talents, along with the rest of the locals, who will show you a great time down at their satellite campus in Eutaw, where you will matriculate on Mesopotamia Avenue along with the gentry from Livingston and Boyd.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
31
fuckTheBiscuit says:
Dear The Biscuit,
Fuck you for diluting my ND hatred with your stupid, pointless attempt at politicizing ND hatred. Fact is, the average Domer is a conservative tool much like yourself.
Get raped.
Very Sincerely,
I’m sorry you can’t hear my cock because it is buried in your mom dot com
September 8th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
32
Wooderson says:
Pelican Pants, are you a fellow domer? The laundry service was awesome, till they lost pretty much all of my clothes. Epic FAIL by St. Michael’s.
As for theBuscuit, I did in fact have a gay, 1st Gen Mexican- American roomate, it’s not like ND is BYU.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:18 am
33
sb says:
fuck the @#31…while I appreciate undiluted hatred of domers of all ilk, your angry and profane delivery suggest issues beyond sexual deviancy, class-envy and political frustration…while I too, would find it unfortunate to have my alliance with and support for a black, hispanic, he-she-it, bi, homo, feminist-hugging, tree-jew/buddhist brought forth in so public an outlet, by reacting so badly, you only draw more attention to yourself. Next time, maybe just let it go and noone will notice. I’m with the government…we’re here to help.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
34
the Biscuit says:
@ the angry d-bag that came after me,
Your inability to get the joke is almost as laughable as your tunnel vision. I am very sorry for the life that was dumped on you by fate. I am sure it sucks now, and will continue to suck for a very long time. But, this is not my fault. Blame your dad (if you ever track him down – hint: start with that meth trailer down the street).
Wooderson, while your response was more civil, I didn’t say ND = BYU. I simply suggested a different ND representative for future ‘interviews’. This doesn’t mean I am against any racial/ethnic/whatever group. It just means I don’t want ‘Tommy’ to be the fictional ND rep to EDSBS bc he’s such a tool.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
35
B says:
@34
“It just means I don’t want ‘Tommy’ to be the fictional ND rep to EDSBS bc he’s such a tool.”
If he wasn’t a tool, how could he represent ND?
September 10th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
36
WOLVERINES>IRISH says:
Kilborn you are wrong again! Michigan started a Freshman quarterback and beat your precious Jimmah! HAHAHAHHA ND sucks and so do your predictions. GO BLUE!
September 15th, 2009 at 2:54 pm