PARALLEL UNIVERSE TEBOW ADDRESSES THE MEDIA FOR CHARLESTON SOUTHERN
by Orson on Sep 4, 2009 1:22 PM EDT
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PrintA parallel universe. Star quarterback Mohammed Al-Tebayii approaches the stage.
Praise be to Allah and his only prophet Mohammed, and Go Gators. Madame, please cover your hair and go behind that screen. You are making me nervous with your chin and visible mouth. My religion does not approve.
Praise be to Allah that he has seen to give me so many talented teammates, the blocking to keep out infidel pass rushers, and my brother, Brandon Spikes, who crushes those who would oppose our jihad by even considering running up the middle. To Allah all praise is due.
The sword shall fall on Charleston Southern tomorrow. They stand in the way of our holy war against all that is evil in college football. May God mete out the punishment that is due to them, and let their blood water the grass of Florida Field so that its brilliant green may shine into the next week and forever.
We shall take their complex blitz packages seriously, or at least as seriously as you have to take a team that placed third in the Big South Conference last year.
They shall be destroyed, inshallah, before the second quarter's close. Then I shall sit on the bench and wear a headset while jumping up and down enthusiastically. Let Allah be praised, and let us wreak fiery destruction upon the enemy unto our caliph Meyer's satisfaction.
Praise to all Albert's creation, and may God Bless You all, except the infidels here, who shall die in a fiery apocalypse of their own making. Apologies. That's not really negotiable here.
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Wouldn’t Bizarro Tebow have some Koran verses stenciled in his eye black?
by Tom on Sep 4, 2009 1:38 PM EDT reply actions
You guys are fucked now. Images of Football Muhammed are verboten.
by Biggus Rickus on Sep 4, 2009 1:38 PM EDT reply actions
Biggus…do you by any chance work in publishing at the Yale University Press?
by zzgator on Sep 4, 2009 1:46 PM EDT reply actions
O Parallel Universe Tebow!
Bless me this Saturday with 72 non-virgins in section 6 of the Meccan swamp!
This I ask in your name.
by Jack Fact on Sep 4, 2009 1:53 PM EDT reply actions
As-Salāmu `Alaykum to everyone except for Georgia. To jahannam, to jahannam, to jahannam with Georgia.
by Kerwin4two on Sep 4, 2009 2:09 PM EDT reply actions
Al-Tebayii, please ignore this mound of unclean animal I am about to slather with delicious barbeque sauce.
by Alabama ManDance on Sep 4, 2009 2:18 PM EDT reply actions
As far as I’m concerned, the 2009 CFB season is already operating under a parallel (bizarro) universe. As proof, I would point to:
1. The length of Jesse Palmer’s tie
2. The fact that the OBC never once threw his visor (removed, yes but not thrown) in the debacle in Raleigh C’mon, he threw his visor when the Gators were up by 60.
3. Being forced to listen to the ADA-compliant WAC ref lisping through the entire game.
Coincidence? I think not.
by hobeg8r on Sep 4, 2009 2:27 PM EDT reply actions
Blood: making the grass grow since before you were born
by Coop on Sep 4, 2009 2:40 PM EDT reply actions
hobeg8r,
You left out Mark May’s new eyewear that he apparently tomb-raided from Coco Chanel’s crypt.
by Counter Trap on Sep 4, 2009 2:51 PM EDT reply actions
- — 100 bourbon and waters to you sir. May’s eyewear is awful.
in other news, i have food poisoning. if i miss the charleston southern scrimmage tomorrow, i may take my own life.
by poop mcgee on Sep 4, 2009 2:59 PM EDT reply actions
Because of this post, riots erupted in Kabul and 60 are dead. Karzai wants answers.
by Stranko Montana on Sep 5, 2009 3:34 AM EDT reply actions
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