MEDIA WHORING: CLAY TRAVIS

This week's edition of Blatant Whoring features Clay Travis, who is whoring his book On Rocky Top: A Front Row Seat to the End of an Era. The following is a clip of him making fun of himself on video on video. He's fairly postmodern for a guy who wears sandals and golf shirts everywhere.

OS: Let's start with an important question: why didn't you write a book about legendary broadcaster Tim Brando?

CT: Ah yes, the immortal Timmy B. I seriously considered it. The working title was, My third follicle in the combover goes crazy when I have two mich ultras and a zima, but publishers were iffy on the idea. They also told me that Zima didn't exist anymore. I said, you haven't seen the selection in Tim Brando's man cave. Which came out much worse than I expected that it would...

OS: And now I'm thinking of what's in Brando's rectum. Besides his head of course. Next question: why Lane Kiffin? I mean that in a general sense, not just a coaching way.

Clay Travis: Well, if you listen to the people at UT, the amazing thing is everyone wanted Lane Kiffin. And I believe them.

Washington, Clemson, Syracuse, word is he could have have any of the four. That's the most amazing to me. Not just that one team could fall in love with Lane Kiffin, he's a sexy guy, I guess--ask Brando--but that every team could.

And I think Mike Hamilton felt like he needed a homerun hire. He believes Kiffin is that guy. He also believes that if Kiffin doesn't hit a homerun, the coaching staff alone is worth a double.

Part of me thinks, and I hate to say that, there's a 50-50 chance Kiffin is having a press conference next year at this time, crying just like Rich Rod. That's why Kiffin is so fascinating, he's a spectacular failure or a spectacular success, there's no middle ground.

OS: Have you talked to Fulmer lately? Has he read the book?

CT: Yes and yes. I told him he's free to comment on the book as he sees fit. I don't really want to be in the business of conveying his comments to me. Just suffice it to say he wouldn't want to body slam me if he saw me in the street.
At least I don't think so.

OS: He'd have to catch you first. As slow as you are, that might be possible.

CT: Well, given my forty time, yeah, it's likely. He could probably catch you hopping on one leg.
After the Fulmer Cup, I don't have to beat him, I just have to beat you.

OS: One-tenth faster, remember. Would you ask Monte Kiffin what it was like coaching the Union army's defensive line at Gettysburg?

CT: Well, he favored the fish hook formation. And he was so glad that Ewell didn't take Culp's Hill on July 1, 1863.

OS: What is the oddest compliment you've gotten on the book?

CT: Well, you said, "When did you learn how to write?" Which was nice.

OS: I try. Where are you headed this fall?

CT: Mostly to SEC games. We don't have the whole schedule laid out. And by we, I mean me. I'll be in Knoxville the first two games. Then Gainesville, I think. Provided I want to sweat out my urine and die again. Ole Miss and Alabama for sure as well.

OS: What was your reaction when Dave Clawson was hired at Bowling Green?

CT: Complete and utter disbelief. I mean, I know he's a smart guy, has been very successful many places. But how did he get that job? Seriously, who gets promoted after last season? That's like a small regional bank giving the reins to the number two man at Lehman Brothers. Not even that small, one of the 100 biggest banks in America. If he'd taken that job from Richmond, no surprise, but from UT's season, wow.

OS: What other purposes, if any, can your book serve besides being read?

Clay Travis: Well, if you don't read, you can pretend you're reading when you're lying in bed beside your wife. It astounds me the number of women who are happier to sleep with their boyfriends or husbands if they think they're reading a book.

Women actually read, most men don't. But if you pretend to read, women will sleep with you more. In DC, while I was in college, no joke, some guy would ride the Metro and pretend to be reading Dante. Women picked him up.

They'd go out to coffee and he would pretend to talk about books. Eventually he confessed that he was using it to meet women on the Metro. Both most pathetic and most admirable thing I heard out of DC.

OS: That's in DC. In Baton Rouge, you have to say "I have a full-time job."

CT: Sadly, true.

OS: You did not attend an Ivy League institution, and yet were allowed to write a book. How did this happen?

CT: Interesting. I'm not quite sure. The fact that GW's tuition is more than the Ivy League might have opened the door. We have snob appeal, just lots of dumb kids. Who, thankfully, helped pay my way through school. Thank you Long Island. I should dedicate my next book (if it ever happens) thusly: "To the dumb men and women of Long Island, who despite the manifold advantages given to them in life, ended up at GW paying full tuition." The better question, when are you going to fool people into believing you went to the Ivy League.

OS: If and when I ever write a book, my dedication is going to be "to Ritalin: making shit happen since 1954"

CT: I'd like to get a lot of books out there so I could start screwing around with the dedications. "To Pacman Jones for making it rain." As is this one is to wife and son. It would be hard to justify Pacman over them. "To Urban Meyer's absent chin."

OS: He wore it off giving head to the goddess of victory. She's rewarded him well.

CT: Somehow I believe that.

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