First came Bradford, then Tebow…one by one, Injury claims the Heisman Winners and Winners-to-be of college football. We now make the months of impending doom slightly more bearable for you as you watch this episode of the Final Destination: ACLs and Tender Cerebellums unfold by handicapping the likely methods of injury for your precious star quarterback.
Jacory Harris, Miami
Sprains knee when attacked by Virginia Tech Victory Gnome: 3/1
He strikes when you least expect it.
Mint poisoning due to mojitoverload: 9/1. A common South Beach injury.
Chapped testicles: 16/1. It happens, but the swordsmen of the U should be more professional than to let chapped testes keep them out of a game after Michael Irvin missed two games in the ‘87 season due to the condition. A failure of the training staff, to be sure.
Colt McCoy, Texas.
Gored, but NOT by Bevo: 5/1. Likely suspect? A rampaging Will Muschamp. (more…)
Every week Chris Brown from Smart Football takes your questions here about football and football-related game theory. This week, he explains precisely how Virginia Tech turned Miami 2009 into Miami 2008 for four quarters last weekend. Submit your questions for Chris at twitter.com/edsbs, your source for football chicanery and zombie law links since 2008. Enjoy.
I didn’t get to watch the Miami-Virginia Tech game until after I already knew the outcome — I had been at another game at the same time, and was as surprised as anyone that Virginia Tech could score thirty-one, and even more than Miami managed a meager seven. But I can honestly say that I had more fun watching this game on replay, already knowing the outcome, than anything I’ve watched this year.
That might come as a surprise considering I just did an extensive breakdown of Miami’s (previously) vaunted pass offense, have family members who are diehard Canes fans, and still think Jacory Harris is one of the most entertaining players in the country. But you have to love what Bud Foster and Frank Beamer were able to do with Virginia Tech. (more…)
Your mustache of the day? Landry Jones, of course. Ahem:
Devil without a cause
And Im back with the beaver hats
And Ben Davis slacks
30 packs of Strohs
30 pack of hoes
If there were going to be a quarterback in the United States who should by right take the field with a mike while screaming “MY NAME IS KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID” before launching into a triumphant, stomping version of “Bawitdaba,” it is Landry Jones. Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!
This was so much easier before people actually knew shit. Before you say a word: this is wacky, week-to-week voting with a hint of correction for perceived talent level, potential, and past performance. You know who’s not going to stick around most likely? Houston, Boise, and Oregon, because Houston and Boise will be dragged down by the mediocre competition they play, and because Oregon will follow up a carpet-bombing of Cal by having their star corner get de-kneed and blowing an easy Pac-10 game. Re: Oregon? You play one highly ranked team and lose on the road and then dishumilatinate the highest ranked team in your conference, you get perks. Re: Houston? Big 12 South wins should count just as much in September as they do in November, when the Big 12 gets their annual run in the polls off conference play. It’s a trick of the calendar at this point not to credit them.
The rest: Is a bloody mess. Where the hell do you put Iowa, other than above Penn State and below Ohio State, who would probably beat them in a 6-2 horror show leaving non-Big Ten fans holding their own eyeballs in hand at the end in order to ensure they could never watch such football horror ever again. USC is off the boards in terms of solid betting thanks to offensive woes, Miami and OK State are erratic, Penn State looked atrocious, there’s a knot of SEC teams at the bottom you can untangle if you’ve got three months of conference play, and GODDAMN THIS MADNESS.
Walter Thurmond the 3rd does not half-step. That is Walter Thurmond the 3rd on the punt return for Oregon, and despite being blessed by the dulcet, exiled tones of Ron Franklin there he was not lucky in terms of injury. The news came out yesterday that Oregon corner Walter Thurmond the 3rd had injured his knee, but the late update is a spectacular one: Thurmond tore his ACL, MCL, and PCL in a single stroke, and faces a very lengthy recovery. Fortunately, Oregon has as much experience with freaky knee injuries as any team in the nation, being the test market for Nike’s innovative hypoallergenic lightweight replacement ACL, available in 2013 pending FDA approval. Replaces in ten minutes, and featuring the trademark Nike Swoosh on every ACL.
Jungian theory strikes again. Stafon Johnson is doing well in the hospital, and has his mother close by at all times. She really should be there anyway, since Johnson’s mother was on duty at California Hospital Medical Center when the call came in, which had to be all kinds of fun for Mrs. Johnson to deal with at work. Pete Carroll described this as “an unbelievable stroke of synchronicity.” Interestingly, as Pete Carroll said this, something crawled from the bottom of a dark Scottish loch, knocked at the door of a cottage, and requested a pint and a pie, please.
When Holtz was a struggling young coach he got a job selling cemetery plots to pick up a little money on the side—despite his wife’s warnings that he couldn’t sell anything. Holtz later joked, “She was wrong. By the end of the summer, I’d sold our stereo, our car, and our television.”
Non-existent time machine video plea: if you have perfected the theoretically impossible art of time travel, please film this and return to the present with video. We will offer hundreds of dollars–hundreds!–for the privilege of viewing a young Lou Holtz selling cemetery plots.
It’s fantastic that Stafon Johnson is now awake, signalling and communicating with his family, and faces a good prognosis for recovery after dropping a 275 pound weight on his neck in the USC weight room. For reference’s sake, that is a bulgy Phil Fulmer’s worth, a slimmed-down Friedgen, or Mark Dantonio after he’s swallowed his daily intake of pure leaden buckshot. (Vitamin buckshot: keeps you grounded, regular, and grim like Mark Dantonio should be.)
EDSBS Live goes late night tonight at 10 p.m. for a special late night edition. Why late night? Because we’ll be in Roswell interviewing birth coaches in the SWATS slangin’ that snow like we was Frosty in a blizzard. Hate the game, not the hustle, playa. Talk to you then.
[UPDATE] Showtime! Listen here; chat here.
No, leave the Dragonball-Z and Pokemon posters on the wall behind you in your smack-talking video to Miami fans. They’ll be too distracted by your blazing commentary and the acid burn of your caustic LAUGH OF DEEP KNOWING SARCASM, right?
I attempt to stay out of other nations affairs as a leader of millions and father to a nation UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I’M LOOKING AT YOU TRAITOR LEE MYUNG-BAK.
In this case, however, I must make an exception. I must speak out in support of Bobby Bowden, the legendary American football coach at Florida State University, and against the traitorous running dogs attempting to stop his plan to give the people what they deserve and want so much: an indomitable football team crushing all opposition in front of it.
What Florida State fans fail to understand is what all great leaders understand: the path to the mountain of success runs through a thousand rice paddies of failure. Every great leader understands this, and the people should follow obediently, confident that he has his eye on the summit ahead. To see this kind of belligerent rhetoric from within the ranks of your own brothers, though?
It’s safe to say that everything Bowden does is counterproductive to the shot and long-term health of the football program because it is taking away a decision making opportunity from someone who is actually informed enough to make a qualified decision. The one thing Bowden says he wants (FSU to be great again) is simply not possible until he leaves or dies, neither of which would bother most FSU fans I know at this point.
This is a wordplay and mockery to the nation while staging war maneuvers, and treason to the people. (more…)
Mike Leach has issued an edict that the crew of the Red Raider shall not, under any circumstances at all, tweet. This follows the linebacker and leading tackler Marlon Williams tweeting about Leach not being on time, which is definitely not the way to tweet about you coach. Williams would probably still have a Twitter page if he’d taken the Pete Carroll Tweeting Forever: Living Like a Champion in 140 Characters or Less pamphlet to heart (a publication with 140 character chapters, of course.)
Or he could have done something like this if he was going to tweet about his coach:
Now that Leach and his pirate navy of grad assistants have blockaded his players from Tweeting, we won’t find out the fate of Brandon Carter from his Twitter feed, which also disappeared after Carter posted about his dissatisfaction with the beginning of the season. Carter posted he was suspended, a suspension confirmed by Mike Leach in terms so icy a hitman might cringe at them:
Asked how much the offensive line will miss Carter, Leach said, “Not at all.”
Don’t fall off the side of the boat, Red Raider. Ships don’t have brakes, and it’s a long way to swim to Aruba if you’re tossed off the side “accidentally.”
Jim Donnan of Buster Sports joins us to lower his Q rating irreparably, discuss the SEC in general (and Tim Tebow and head injuries, natch) and give us quality Barry Switzer stories involving Kool and the Gang. Joanna, we looooooove you. Enjoy.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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