HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER MAKES AN ENTRANCE

by Orson on Aug 31, 2009 11:18 AM EDT

We don't know what secrets reside in Howard Schnellenberger's voice, particularly in its lower registers: the location of German submarines loaded with Nazi gold, the authorship of the Nazca lines, and the point where Amelia Earhart was abducted by aliens. Admit that you believe Schnellenberger could be holding onto all three, and also responsible for the events leading up to them, or you are a liar.

The question had Howard Schnellenberger lowering his signature baritone voice to a level where deep, dark secrets reside.

Are you thinking about entering Memorial Stadium Saturday in a helicopter?

"I have one rented," rasped Florida Atlantic’s 75-year-old football coach, "in Oklahoma."

You think he's lying, but when the Dapper Don swoops in like a Green Beret clad in Brooks Brothers into the stadium Saturday, you'll all be at your knees for the number one stunna of the class of 1857. Schnellenberger did actually fly in a helicopter into a press conference at the 1984 Orange Bowl when his Miami team faced Nebraska and eventually spoiled an undefeated season for the Huskers, because if you give people money in South Florida, they like to do things like burn it in piles and take helicopters everywhere.

Also, please bow at the awesome contained here:

Next on the list after that might be how his wife of 50 years, Beverlee, wore a full-length white mink coat atop a fire engine while reveling in the ticker-tape parade for the Hurricanes down Biscayne Boulevard after they’d delivered Nebraska with arguably its most emotional defeat ever, a 31-30 outcome that spoiled an unbeaten season.

"She looks good in white mink," crowed Schnellenberger, who since 1982 has worn a suit during games.

And a flurry of women's panties hit the stage.

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Schnellenberger makes that Dos Equis beer guy seem boring.

by PeayHog on Aug 31, 2009 11:35 AM EDT reply actions

We don’t know what secrets reside in Howard Schnellenberger’s voice…

If you determine that he is sending coded plans to spend billions of dollars on a complicated contraption to send you deep into space… DO. NOT. DO. IT. Seriously, after spending all of that money, which clearly we need, and the death of one of your top scientists, all you will see, is someone’s dad? Seriously. Then someone might make a shitty movie out of it. Think of the Children!

by skinnyphatman on Aug 31, 2009 11:40 AM EDT reply actions

Donkey Punching Schnelly on Saturday won’t undo that night in 1984 but it will still feel good.

And that I can live with.

by iggy on Aug 31, 2009 11:57 AM EDT reply actions

Bring your chopper, Captain Kangaroo! Husker fans will bring that bitch down! What with our “tut-tutting” and quiet, reserved judgment of people different than us, you won’t have a prayer, fly boy.

(ps: can Freek or somebody take that image and dress Schnelly up like the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island? I can’t be the only one noticing the resemblance.)

by Land of Os(borne) on Aug 31, 2009 12:03 PM EDT reply actions

I’m learning toward hiring an angry mob of Colombians to blow horns and set off fire-alarms at the FAU hotel. It won’t completely erase the 25 years of bile that have built up, but my therapist said it might help.

by Flatlander on Aug 31, 2009 12:58 PM EDT reply actions

Howard Schnellenberger will pork your mom and you’ll like it.

by Kevin@LSU on Aug 31, 2009 1:10 PM EDT reply actions

If memory serves me correctly, Osborne showed up to that presser in 84 in a Volkswagon bus (seriously).

by Pig Stabbin Z on Aug 31, 2009 1:31 PM EDT reply actions

@Kevin@LSU,

You got it almost right. He will pork their moms AND them and they will most certainly like it.

Still waiting for Howard to show up in that Dos Equis commercial, grab that douche by the beard, stuff his pipe in the guy’s eye, and walk away with his women…… Just sayin…..

by Benny Lava on Aug 31, 2009 9:08 PM EDT reply actions

“….he IS The Most Interesting Man in the World……”

by alex hamilton on Sep 1, 2009 12:06 AM EDT reply actions

The really sad thing for Coach is that, had he got the Alabama job in 1987, or stayed at Miami instead of going to Orlando for a bankrupt team….Coach Schnellenberger might have won more than Joe Pa or Bowden by now. The guy is full of himself, but he’s a great coach.

by alex hamilton on Sep 1, 2009 12:14 AM EDT reply actions

he’s king pimp of fuck mountain. you cant stop the schnell.

by tempebamafan on Sep 1, 2009 5:13 AM EDT reply actions

When Texas played FAU last year, I thought Coach Schnellenberger was the angry old dude from Problem Child, Jack Warden:
http://www.thethinkingblue.com/2006/JACKWARDEN.jpg

Screw the Skipper, THAT’S an uncanny resemblance.

by TXinDC on Sep 1, 2009 10:33 AM EDT reply actions

Oops, I meant to post a picture with him mustachio’d.

http://services.windowsmedia.com/vidpic/pic200/drV000/V042/V0042407O4U.jpg

by TXinDC on Sep 1, 2009 10:34 AM EDT reply actions

You know, Schnell is such a gentleman, that he’d let the two fat Cornhusker broads on that it’d require for the Nebraska fan base to take down his chopper.

by EireHog on Sep 1, 2009 4:20 PM EDT reply actions

1. “The University of Louisville is on a collision course with the national championship. The only variable is time.” Thus spake Schnellathustra, irrefutable.

2. Howard physically delivered Joe Namath to Tuscaloosa from Beaver Falls to keep him from the Terps. Thank you, Jesus.

3. Beverlee hung a large heap of worthless paper in Tuscaloosa in the early 60s and no one cared. O, it was rollin’, baby.

by Grampaw Fug on Sep 2, 2009 5:19 AM EDT reply actions