THE DIGITAL VIKING: EDSBS'S GUIDE TO SPICY LIVING

by Holly Anderson on Aug 28, 2009 1:12 PM EDT

This will be this year's final installment of Spicy Livin', as real, actual, smashy football returns in several short days and will occupy our every thought and action. Also, to help give ourselves a proper extended sendoff, we welcome guest Viking Doug Gillett.

Today's patron saint is Hugh Millais, who died earlier this month at the age of 79.

Millais3

For why you should care, we refer to his Telegraph obituary:

The great-grandson of the Pre-Raphaelite painter Sir John Everett Millais, Bt, Hugh Geoffroy Millais was born on December 23 1929. Bereft of artistic talent, as a small boy he was taken ferreting by his father, and was going to shoots throughout the country with his .410 shotgun at the age of eight.
[...]
His Irish-Canadian mother next sent him off to gain some discipline as a Mountie. Instead he obtained a job covering the city's mortuaries for the Montreal Star and took in a lodger, the singer Josh White, who offered no rent but taught him to play the calypso guitar. When they parted company Millais, like many an Englishman in wintry Montreal before and since, longed for warmth; so he hitchhiked to South America. In Mexico he contracted a brief first marriage and enrolled in a philosophy course conducted in Latin while earning extra money driving two bullfighters around in their Hispano-Suiza.

Back in New York after inheriting $100,000 from his mother, Millais paid $15,000 for a dilapidated 60ft yacht, and competed in races while touring the Caribbean islands with musicians such as Lord Melody, Mighty Sparrow and Cowboy Jack; they regarded him as a "token whitey" and called him "Lord Bamboo" because of his great height. On entering Havana harbour, he was shot in the arm by some troops, but met Ernest Hemingway, a friend of his grandfather, who took him to a doctor and invited him to stay.
[...]
On moving to Spain, he recalled building a house for Salvador Dali, who changed the floor arrangement half a dozen times but did not once pay for the work. Millais then took in Orson Welles as a lodger, who also failed to settle his bill, and persuaded the architect Philip Jebb to build homes near Algeciras.
[...]
Hugh Millais summed up his recipe for life: "75 years, 0 hours of labour, 40,000 bottles of wine, a pinch of Song, Women (to taste). Sizzle gently over a low lifestyle, leave to marinade slowly, bring to fruition. Garnish the whole thing wildly in the telling."

Raise your glasses. This gentleman's passing requires no lesser tribute.

Drink.

Holly: My hillbilly heritage asks: Is it close enough to fall yet to suggest moonshine and get away with it?

moonshine_still_sugar_valley

Moonshine properly made is not a sippin' drink, and anyone who tells you otherwise is doing it wrong. Shoot it fast and try and keep your feet. Or, for Saturdays, try stuffing a jar full of cut-up fruit or berries and filling it to the top with 'shine and letting it sit for a couple days. Skim out the big pieces to snack on at the tailgate without fear of reprisal from dry-campus cops, and save the infused liquid for a knockout nightcap during the WAC game.

Doug: Far be it from me to take credit for things beyond my meager abilities, but I invented the vodka float over Christmas last year.

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by PeteJayhawk on Aug 28, 2009 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

Please don’t stop doing this.

by God Shamgod on Aug 28, 2009 1:36 PM EDT reply actions

I’m sorry, but anyone who looks at “sliders” or “minis” and doesn’t immediately think “White Castle” just isn’t really American.

White Castle was running that scam 80 years ago, though to their eternal shame their web page now shows they have adopted the “slyder” name for their classic gut-busters. I guess ya gotta follow the trends…

by An 'eer with a beer on Aug 28, 2009 1:42 PM EDT reply actions

Come on, if you’re going to bring up Orson Welles, you have to cover the Paul Masson commercial outtakes at some point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5LkDNu8bVU

by JoeDawg on Aug 28, 2009 1:46 PM EDT reply actions

Somebody kill me now, as existence beyond this point will surely be a gargantuan letdown… Preacher and The Critic in the same post? I must have done something right this week to be reaping such delectable karmic rewards.

by spaz with a k on Aug 28, 2009 1:52 PM EDT reply actions

It stinks!

by Rich on Aug 28, 2009 1:56 PM EDT reply actions

I just discovered this site, and really, really like it. But OhMyGAWD that McDonalds embedded add is annoying. You mouse over the least little PIXEL of the damn thing and it explodes out with that ANNOYING-ASS Franz-Ferdinand ditty. You fumble around, looking for the CLOSE control. Whew. Then you scroll down once more, so you can see what’s up with the punter with a mullet. Ooops, you clipped the Mickey D add, it happens ALL OVER.

To be fair, I see this infernal thing on a bunch of sites, lately. Doesn’t make it any less annoying. I’m tasting metal. Couple more times, I swear I’m taking hostages.

Is there naught to be done?

by deathroach on Aug 28, 2009 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

It’s not going away forever, never fear. Way too much fun to write. But for now, FOOBAW.

by Holly on Aug 28, 2009 2:00 PM EDT reply actions

Love love love this feature. Almost sad to see it go for the next few months, but OH WAIT FOOTBAW IS STARTING See you in January, Viking.

Also, Selma Hayek in Desperado is bunda to the infinitieth degree, if I do say so myself.

by Domer Guy on Aug 28, 2009 2:10 PM EDT reply actions

Scroll to the billboard image below…please Baby Jesus let this be real and not a Photoshop…

http://moondogsports.com/2009/08/27/vols-ed-orgeron-will-sign-florida-prep-football-talent/

100 cocktails for Fake James Ingram, “Jah Mon Be There” and all that.

by the ex-croominator on Aug 28, 2009 2:11 PM EDT reply actions

And oh, one more thing…say what you will about the Ruby Mini sliders but at least they’re made with real beef. I’m almost 100% certain that whatever is in Krystals or White Castles is whale meat. It’s fucking GRAY.

by the ex-croominator on Aug 28, 2009 2:14 PM EDT reply actions

Mmmmmm… whale meat. Honey, screw the Sea Shepherd and man the explosive harpoon, I need a Krystal!

by Bourbon Dawgwalker on Aug 28, 2009 2:28 PM EDT reply actions

As a companion to Go-Kart transit, I submit Whirlyball. More fun than a person should have, plus all establishments have a full bar to aid in the pure joy that comes with trying to score a goal with a whiffleball while driving a bumper car.

by kneel before zord on Aug 28, 2009 2:37 PM EDT reply actions

Nomination for next year’s D.V.: Richard Burton, the linguist, not the actor.

by ohiodawg on Aug 28, 2009 2:37 PM EDT reply actions

The Smithereens have a great song “White Castle Blues” and it is a classic 80s song! After a long Saturday of Division III cross country, race home to catch the footballs games, drink 30-40 Beast Lites (we were poor in the 80s) and then make the run to Cedar Falls (we always found that one guy who did not drink in college, but loved to drive our drunk asses around) for around 40 sliders…. nothing else, make the 20 mile trek back (half the sliders were gone by then) be home by 3AM and still have a few left over for breakfast the next.

by The Holy Grail on Aug 28, 2009 2:43 PM EDT reply actions

Doug with the home run call to close out Spicy Living with La Haine and Nique la Police

Absolutely awesome

by Nathan on Aug 28, 2009 3:26 PM EDT reply actions

There’s a reason there’s a banana in my ear. I’m trying to lure the monkey out of my head.

by Billy From Baton Rouge on Aug 28, 2009 3:34 PM EDT reply actions

“……..he contracted a brief first marriage.”

It would’ve been nice to know that marriage is similar to a terminal disease years ago.

by GamecockTony on Aug 28, 2009 3:38 PM EDT reply actions

This is completely irrelevant to anything in this post, but I had to share this:

http://images.yuku.com/image/jpeg/8b525e749d6d2ca6cbf0888d68733fadd525e7e.jpg

by Houston's Nutts on Aug 28, 2009 3:39 PM EDT reply actions

Jay’s Dad and Duke Phillips are two of the best characters in the history of animated television… maybe in the history of people

Make him SQUEAL!

by Gary Nightwagon on Aug 28, 2009 3:45 PM EDT reply actions

I recommend “Coco Lopez” cream of coconut for your pina coladas, senor.

ONE FUCKING WEEK TO GO!

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Aug 28, 2009 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

The Critic. Yessir, that was a damn fine show.

by TheGhostofJayCutler on Aug 28, 2009 4:05 PM EDT reply actions

“wait a minute…penguins can’t fly…PENGUIN’S CAN’T FLY!!!”

by jakldawg on Aug 28, 2009 4:16 PM EDT reply actions

Never have I wanted to drive, nay command, a go-kart more urgently.

However, if TV ads are to be believed, I think the “go-karting urgently” may have something to do with my prostate

by PeayHog on Aug 28, 2009 4:24 PM EDT reply actions

It just wouldn’t be China without billowing plumes of black smoke.

by Grib on Aug 28, 2009 4:31 PM EDT reply actions

can the sweet sweet merciful return of football herald the return of friday bunda? surely the newly minted ducats from sb nation can cover the cost of advertisers fleeing DAT ASS!!

by lovettowl on Aug 28, 2009 4:34 PM EDT reply actions

I was hoping to see the clip of the real-life Mario Kart guy.

Oh, and Criss Angel is a douche.

by Raider Red on Aug 28, 2009 4:34 PM EDT reply actions

You could get a new-fangled Airstream with the 50s Modern interior, attach it to your Audi, drive it to a college football game, and warm up with a Pina Colada or seven, and then you would have transitioned from viking to in-season.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to see just how far I can stretch my home equity line of credit.

by dc trojan on Aug 28, 2009 5:02 PM EDT reply actions

This feature was a gem and I have enjoyed this off season more than most thanks to all of you. NOW BRING ME THE GODDAM FOOTBALL! Also, word of advice to you lot – be wary of the sexy time in the second weekend of December or you will risk having a baby on labor day weekend-ish like me and will miss the opening weekend (that is, if you want the wife to keep your sorry ass around). Don’t get me wrong, it is blessing from heaven (assuming she comes out looking like her mama) and I am thrilled. However, a little planning, even the tiniest bit, goes a long way towards ensuring that you can be obsessed without distraction. Here’s our wager – if LSU wins and Ole Miss loses next weekend, the baby is a tiger and vice versa. If it’s a push, then the winner of the game in Oxford gets dibs on our little darling’s loyalty. Wish me luck.

by haveagreatday on Aug 28, 2009 5:51 PM EDT reply actions

Digital Viking, we bid you a fond adieu and thank you for the inspiration heading into the last few weekends, at least the drinking part.. Definitely an inspired creation that entertained, informed and at times felt like looking at an X-ray of my id.
   But now we stand at the cusp… the drums of war are slowly being pounded, and the horns blast their call to arms, The time is nigh (unless, like me, you’re a gator, in which case you have an extra week to get fired up – sorry Charleston-Southern, you’re not going to get the blood running hot.)

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

by ben hill gryphon on Aug 28, 2009 5:56 PM EDT reply actions

Omaha is one of the test markets for KFC’s Double Down. If I didn’t figure I’d drop dead mid-bite, I’d have to try one.

From the Omaha World-Herald’s review (!) of the sammich, where the reviewed had a cholesterol test before and after: “Triglycerides shot up from 136 to 213. Good cholesterol sank from 50 to 39. Bad cholesterol went up from 144 to 154.” But at least there’s no trans-fat!

And grown-ass man-karting with full-bars needs to be handicapped like the ponies do, or there needs to be a graduated horsepower governor. It’s not like Mario Kart where the big characters go faster.

by Albino Tornado on Aug 28, 2009 6:21 PM EDT reply actions

Orson—

Any plans to wager on the Florida-Kiffykins game with Holly? Baby Rhino would like to reclaim his property for this year.

by boondoggle on Aug 28, 2009 6:28 PM EDT reply actions

Never again, thanks to one of you assholes Googling my sainted Catholic mother and emailing her the pictures from the last bet. I’ll be in Gainesville, though.

by Holly on Aug 28, 2009 7:27 PM EDT reply actions

The KFC “Dare/Warning” reminds me of something myself and several friends tried early on gameday Saturdays in Madison: The Captain Morgan Mile. A shot of rum every quarter as you sprint, sprint, sprint for life. Indeed, we and the Captain made it happen!

by Brains McGee on Aug 28, 2009 8:20 PM EDT reply actions

I’m disappointed that Zap Rowsdower did not appear as cannon, but I really appreciate all the great commentary nonetheless. I almost can’t wait till the end of the season to see it come back. Almost.

by Tanner on Aug 28, 2009 10:42 PM EDT reply actions

First “M,” and now “McCabe and Mrs. Miller.” It’s been a stellar week for movie references around here.

by Dr. StrangeCock on Aug 28, 2009 10:52 PM EDT reply actions

@#11:

Whale meat isn’t gray, it’s red. I’ve eaten whalemeat. It’s infinitely better than the dessicated rat and ground seagull they use to make White Castle/Krystal burgers.

by Nate on Aug 29, 2009 4:33 AM EDT reply actions