HEISMAN WATCH EDITION, L-TOWN KEEP IT CHILLA EDITION
A darkened office in Columbia, Missouri. Gary Pinkel works slowly through a film series from the morning’s practices. A knock comes at the door.
Pinkel: Come in.
Assistant: Coach, we got a request to list five preseason Heisman candidates from USAToday. Want me to do it? I mean, assistants fill this kind of stuff out all the time, and that never goes–
Pinkel: No. Better let me just tell you. Ready?
Assistant: Sure. Fire away.
Pinkel: Tebow, Bradford, McCoy, um…and I’m kind of stuck after that.
Assistant: Me, too. I mean, besides them, who really is there out there that can…
[A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING]
Marky M: YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pinkel: Dammit, we just had that wall replaced, Mark.
Marky M: Your walls so flimsy, knock ‘em down with my dick
Get my wrecking balls swinging, show you bitches a trick
We David Copperfield clockin’, my disappearin’ is sick
Chase Daniel, Claudia Schiffer, yeah they both on my stick
Got my tat in their mouths, cause they lovin’ the M
My foie gras lovin’ got em throwing the trim
The nonstop cash, pimp cup filled to the brim
Spreadin honey’s like I’m magic, pointin “SIM SALA BIM!!!”
T-Rees on the mike
And the game is so like
A mad panther on the prowl
Cougars ready to strike
In the club he throwin’ dollars
Ladies ready to holla
Smackin chunky asses
From Lawrence to Walla Walla
American dreamboat
Slam a bitch like Ricky Steamboat
If you lucky girl he give you
That Todd Reesing cream-coat
Got that flag jacket pimpin’
Cause he reppin’ his nation
Got that puppy in his hands
Cause he like the sensation
If you a bitch, don’t put T-Rees in on your ballot
If you a bitch, line up an’ toss the Marky’s salad
If you a bitch, then you hatin’ on this KU pimpin’
Your game limp and wavy, like you been through some crimpin’
Heisman flossin’, KU glossin’, we about the Heisman
T-Rees gonna win it in front of your eyes, man
Snatch your chain and your wallet, straight takin’ your ice man
Leave you dazed and retarded like your name was Joe Theismann
Snap a leg if you thinkin
The M gone be drinkin’
Heisman Kool-Aid wif no T-Rees
Be a Heisman that stinkin’
And the Jayhawks ain’t droppin’
Ain’t the ones to retire
Our game will never drop
Like a pass to Kerry Meier–WHAAAAAT!!!!
Yeah, I see you.
Let’s make it rain on this lawyaz, T-Rees.
I see you readin’ the Economist, T-Rees. Respect to the knowledge. Bagehot is in the building! GIVE IT UP FOR MOTHERFUCKING BAGEHOT.
Still hungry Big 12. I’m bringin’ the wetnaps this team, cause THE M STAYS CLEAN.
WE OUT.
[They exit.]
Pinkel: Call the repairman. Again.
Assistant: Yessir.
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1
Jojo says:
“Chase Daniel, Claudia Schiffer, yeah they both on my stick”
You forgot to add his daily Hot Dog on a Stick – but that would be my dream threesome to watch/film – although Mangina is def on bottom
August 27th, 2009 at 11:40 am
2
comoprozac says:
I nearly just wet my pants. Between this and Pete Carrol’s balls, you guys have me rofling all over the place.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:42 am
3
Bored CPA says:
Sir:
Nice shout-out to Bagehot.
Represent.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:43 am
4
Coop says:
Wow, a Ricky Steamboat reference. Impressive…
August 27th, 2009 at 11:50 am
5
TJ says:
Leave you dazed and retarded like your name was Joe Theismann
Well done, sir. The rhymes in that whole verse actually are pretty brilliant.
These really shouldn’t keep getting better, but there it is.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:53 am
6
Navi-gator says:
There is no where else on earth where you find co-mingling of Bagehot references and Heisman gangsta rap. Simply amazing.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
7
atlHOkie says:
@4, agreed sir…I’m an economist, and we continuiously harp on the theory of diminishing returns, however, that theory doesn’t seem to exist in edsbs-land. i.e. The more I read, the worse it should get. But in edsbs-land, these things I read seem to always have higher utility. A-million-di-billion-di-squillion cocktails to you Captain Swindle. That was simply brilliant.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
8
Dave H. says:
This is magical. Thank you.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
9
Mark says:
Oh God that was funny.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
10
Jason says:
Better recurring character, Marky M or Subcommandante Wayne?
August 27th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
11
Brad says:
Theismann…….followed by “snap a leg if you thinkin”
Brilliant.
August 27th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
12
Croc says:
Great! O, since you brought Marky M. back, how about the road stories with Tressel?
August 27th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
13
burgler says:
Nothing puts a smile on my face like seeing “A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING” before the jump.
/joke about Marky M shaking smiles onto ladies’ faces goes here
August 27th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
14
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
When I think of Marky M, I wonder if he could ever sell his house since it seems he crashes thru every wall he comes in contact with. And I bet it smell like a stable. A fat, sweaty locker stable.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
15
yoyofutbawl says:
I sure could use Marky M on a demo job I’ve got next week. He’s a skid steer & trackhoe all in one. I’d just hope his per diem at the Waffle House would be less than $1K.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
16
Jesus says:
American dreamboat
Slam a bitch like Ricky Steamboat
If you lucky girl he give you
That Todd Reesing cream-coat
Worthy of that hearty chuckle that creeps out your co-workers
August 27th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
17
General Disarray says:
Orson,
I’ve always marveled at your ability to write rhymes, so I would have to guess you’re fairly familiar with Rap. And your love of Death Metal is well documented, so should I surmise that your main musical influences as a young’un was “anything that drives my parents batshit”?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
18
Flatlander says:
I can hardly get to the end, because I keep scrolling back up to Freek’s amazing graphic surgery.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
19
ronald says:
You know, I’ve been wondering for weeks if we were going to get a Marky M appearance before the season. New album droppin’ 9/9/09 bitches. Pick ‘em up at your local record store, Wally World and the drive-thru window at Hardee’s.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
20
Barbecue Hashmark says:
Two posts today, this and Schellenberger’s Top 25, that are funnier than anything on Deadspin for six months.
Take your +1000, sir, and pace yourself. Long season and all that.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
21
DevilGrad says:
Nothing in the history of EDSBS has captured the overall essence of the place better than name-dropping Bagehot in a gangsta rap. ROTFLMAO Lethunya.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
22
Fisticuffs says:
M’s new joint is going double uranium!
August 27th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
23
14to9 says:
Oustanding. I vote Marky M over Subcommandante for Best Recurring Character, but only by a navel.
– Your correspondent in Palm Beach
August 27th, 2009 at 9:10 pm