HEISMAN WATCH EDITION, L-TOWN KEEP IT CHILLA EDITION

by Orson on Aug 27, 2009 12:33 PM EDT

A darkened office in Columbia, Missouri. Gary Pinkel works slowly through a film series from the morning's practices. A knock comes at the door.

Pinkel: Come in.

Assistant: Coach, we got a request to list five preseason Heisman candidates from USAToday. Want me to do it? I mean, assistants fill this kind of stuff out all the time, and that never goes--

Pinkel: No. Better let me just tell you. Ready?

Assistant: Sure. Fire away.

Pinkel: Tebow, Bradford, McCoy, um...and I'm kind of stuck after that.

Assistant: Me, too. I mean, besides them, who really is there out there that can...

[A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING]

Marky M: YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pinkel: Dammit, we just had that wall replaced, Mark.

Marky M: Your walls so flimsy, knock 'em down with my dick
Get my wrecking balls swinging, show you bitches a trick
We David Copperfield clockin', my disappearin' is sick
Chase Daniel, Claudia Schiffer, yeah they both on my stick

Got my tat in their mouths, cause they lovin' the M
My foie gras lovin' got em throwing the trim
The nonstop cash, pimp cup filled to the brim
Spreadin honey's like I'm magic, pointin "SIM SALA BIM!!!"

T-Rees on the mike
And the game is so like
A mad panther on the prowl
Cougars ready to strike

In the club he throwin' dollars
Ladies ready to holla
Smackin chunky asses
From Lawrence to Walla Walla

American dreamboat
Slam a bitch like Ricky Steamboat
If you lucky girl he give you
That Todd Reesing cream-coat

Got that flag jacket pimpin'
Cause he reppin' his nation
Got that puppy in his hands
Cause he like the sensation

If you a bitch, don't put T-Rees in on your ballot
If you a bitch, line up an' toss the Marky's salad
If you a bitch, then you hatin' on this KU pimpin'
Your game limp and wavy, like you been through some crimpin'

Heisman flossin', KU glossin', we about the Heisman
T-Rees gonna win it in front of your eyes, man
Snatch your chain and your wallet, straight takin' your ice man
Leave you dazed and retarded like your name was Joe Theismann

Snap a leg if you thinkin
The M gone be drinkin'
Heisman Kool-Aid wif no T-Rees
Be a Heisman that stinkin'

And the Jayhawks ain't droppin'
Ain't the ones to retire
Our game will never drop
Like a pass to Kerry Meier--WHAAAAAT!!!!

Yeah, I see you.

Let's make it rain on this lawyaz, T-Rees.

I see you readin' the Economist, T-Rees. Respect to the knowledge. Bagehot is in the building! GIVE IT UP FOR MOTHERFUCKING BAGEHOT.

Still hungry Big 12. I'm bringin' the wetnaps this team, cause THE M STAYS CLEAN.

WE OUT.

[They exit.]

Pinkel: Call the repairman. Again.

Assistant: Yessir.

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Comments

“Chase Daniel, Claudia Schiffer, yeah they both on my stick”

You forgot to add his daily Hot Dog on a Stick – but that would be my dream threesome to watch/film – although Mangina is def on bottom

by Jojo on Aug 27, 2009 12:40 PM EDT reply actions

I nearly just wet my pants. Between this and Pete Carrol’s balls, you guys have me rofling all over the place.

by comoprozac on Aug 27, 2009 12:42 PM EDT reply actions

Sir:

Nice shout-out to Bagehot.

Represent.

by Bored CPA on Aug 27, 2009 12:43 PM EDT reply actions

Wow, a Ricky Steamboat reference. Impressive…

by Coop on Aug 27, 2009 12:50 PM EDT reply actions

Leave you dazed and retarded like your name was Joe Theismann

Well done, sir. The rhymes in that whole verse actually are pretty brilliant.

These really shouldn’t keep getting better, but there it is.

by TJ on Aug 27, 2009 12:53 PM EDT reply actions

There is no where else on earth where you find co-mingling of Bagehot references and Heisman gangsta rap. Simply amazing.

by Navi-gator on Aug 27, 2009 1:10 PM EDT reply actions

@4, agreed sir…I’m an economist, and we continuiously harp on the theory of diminishing returns, however, that theory doesn’t seem to exist in edsbs-land. i.e. The more I read, the worse it should get. But in edsbs-land, these things I read seem to always have higher utility. A-million-di-billion-di-squillion cocktails to you Captain Swindle. That was simply brilliant.

by atlHOkie on Aug 27, 2009 1:17 PM EDT reply actions

This is magical. Thank you.

by Dave H. on Aug 27, 2009 1:23 PM EDT reply actions

Oh God that was funny.

by Mark on Aug 27, 2009 1:57 PM EDT reply actions

Better recurring character, Marky M or Subcommandante Wayne?

by Jason on Aug 27, 2009 1:58 PM EDT reply actions

Theismann…….followed by “snap a leg if you thinkin”

Brilliant.

by Brad on Aug 27, 2009 2:20 PM EDT reply actions

Great! O, since you brought Marky M. back, how about the road stories with Tressel?

by Croc on Aug 27, 2009 3:03 PM EDT reply actions

Nothing puts a smile on my face like seeing “A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING” before the jump.

/joke about Marky M shaking smiles onto ladies’ faces goes here

by burgler on Aug 27, 2009 3:15 PM EDT reply actions

When I think of Marky M, I wonder if he could ever sell his house since it seems he crashes thru every wall he comes in contact with. And I bet it smell like a stable. A fat, sweaty locker stable.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Aug 27, 2009 3:23 PM EDT reply actions

I sure could use Marky M on a demo job I’ve got next week. He’s a skid steer & trackhoe all in one. I’d just hope his per diem at the Waffle House would be less than $1K.

by yoyofutbawl on Aug 27, 2009 3:27 PM EDT reply actions

American dreamboat
Slam a bitch like Ricky Steamboat
If you lucky girl he give you
That Todd Reesing cream-coat

Worthy of that hearty chuckle that creeps out your co-workers

by Jesus on Aug 27, 2009 4:22 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,

I’ve always marveled at your ability to write rhymes, so I would have to guess you’re fairly familiar with Rap. And your love of Death Metal is well documented, so should I surmise that your main musical influences as a young’un was “anything that drives my parents batshit”?

by General Disarray on Aug 27, 2009 4:25 PM EDT reply actions

I can hardly get to the end, because I keep scrolling back up to Freek’s amazing graphic surgery.

by Flatlander on Aug 27, 2009 4:33 PM EDT reply actions

You know, I’ve been wondering for weeks if we were going to get a Marky M appearance before the season. New album droppin’ 9/9/09 bitches. Pick ‘em up at your local record store, Wally World and the drive-thru window at Hardee’s.

by ronald on Aug 27, 2009 5:08 PM EDT reply actions