HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER’S TOP 25
The following is Howard Schellenberger’s unrevised, unedited top 25 ballot as submitted to the coaches’ poll.
1. SMU. Just an unstoppable program. My pick for the 32nd year in a row.
2. Okinawa. Always liked the place, especially when I was setting it on fire with a flamethrower. Great seafood, too.
3. Margette, my mail lady. Shapely calves. Hate to see you leave, but I do love to watch you go.
4. Pedicures. What?
5. Merle Haggard. That young man has potential if he can just stay out of the pokey for a spell.
6. Condensed milk, straight from the can. Breakfast of champions.
7. Turfman’s Leisuretime Scotch. The only scotch approved by the Biplane Owners’ Association of America for consumption during open cockpit flight, Turfman’s takes the edge off of even the bumpiest ride. Pregnant mothers should use only in moderation.
8. Snorting field chalk. Who the blue hell needs a “30 yard line”?
9. Kenny’s Surf and Turf on A1A. Thanks for dropping the charges, Kenny.
10. Shalimar. Nothing else smells like a woman. Unless it’s Ann-Margret in a chainmail bustier.
11. Clarified butter. I just can’t stop drinking the stuff lately.
12. Ostrich quill pens, for the grocery list and her pleasure.
13. Florida State. Bobby Bowden’s really got something going up there.
14. Graven idols.
15. The confident sheen and holding power of Turfman’s Pomade, Part of the Turfman line of Products for Men. It’s the hint of Turfman’s Leisure Scotch that makes you want to try eating it.
16. Mermaids. They’ve always been good to me. Manatees, too, but they don’t put out as easily.
17. The LA Rams. Whatever happened to those sonsaguns?
18. The Mandrell Sisters. It’s so hard for me to pick one. I’ll just have to take ‘em all!
19. A nice frilly parasol on a hot summer’s day. A man said something to me once about it. That man died.
20. Texas. First team to start a horse at quarterback, but someone’s got to break a few rules to keep things interesting around here. Still finesse-y, but we can’t all be Owl-tough.
21. Andrew Lloyd Webber. The guy’s got my heart in a vise, and my balls in his capable fingers.
22. Sneezing. A cheap, natural high if I’ve ever found one.
23. My boat, the Battle of the Imjin River.
24. Feral cats. Hunting ‘em’s half the fun I ever have anymore.
25. Florida Atlantic University Owls.
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1
Gen. Stoopnagle says:
Nothing on Jim “Wash your legs!” Harbaugh’s new shower/poopstall?
August 26th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
2
Orson Swindle says:
All in due time.
August 26th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
3
Counter Trap says:
Pace yourself, Orson. At this rate, we’ll be stuck with nothing but recycled Chan Gailey jokes by mid-October.
August 26th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
4
Maize n Brew Dave says:
“Andrew Lloyd Webber. The guy’s got my heart in a vise, and my balls in his capable fingers.”
I’m really glad my door was shut when I read that out loud. Gold, Jerry. Gold.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
5
Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman says:
I hate to quibble, but the last four spots should have been made up of a stain conglomerate of cognac, battery acid, sleep drool, and lymph.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
6
Harris says:
Schenelly looks like he smells of pipe tobacco, Parliment cigarettes (he smokes them at the same time), Aqua Velva, scotch, shoe leather, hair pomade, fresh turf and Rita Morena’s snatch.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
7
sonofsamford says:
That picture of Howard is freaking me out. It’s like its not a picture at all, but a real mini-Schnelly hovering in front of me. I even tried to light his pipe.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
8
yoyofutbawl says:
What!!! Schnelly left SUSPENDERS and CARTER HALL PIPE TOBACCO (smokes great- just right – can’t bite – so fresh, so fresh in the pouch) out of his Top 25???
August 26th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
9
Innocent Bystander says:
“8. Snorting field chalk. Who the blue hell needs a “30 yard line”?”
A bottle of Courvoisier to that man’s table, please.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
10
Scotthany says:
“24. Feral cats. Hunting ‘em’s half the fun I ever have anymore. ”
Howard Schellenberger is Randy Lenz? That certainly makes things more interesting.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
11
skinnyphatman says:
Wait. Turfman’s? Really? Turfman’s? I thought ole Howard was a Dapper Dan man.
August 26th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
12
CincySooner says:
sounds like as reasonable a top 25 as any other I’ve read all week.
August 26th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
13
Bourbon Dawgwalker says:
“20. Texas. First team to start a horse at quarterback, but someone’s got to break a few rules to keep things interesting around here. Still finesse-y, but we can’t all be Owl-tough.”
He knew his gameplan was in trouble when they trotted a horse out onto the field instead of a cheap bottle of malt liquor.
August 26th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
14
GamecockTony says:
@#6 Harris – that just makes me wish he were my Granddad.
August 26th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
15
pfhokie abides says:
You forgot to include
“Riding up San Juan Hill with Teddy and my good friend Bobby Bowden by my side.”
August 26th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
16
Nate says:
The Imjin River is underated at #23. I’ve done PT runs along the banks, and the chemical slime and landmines give it quite an offensive and defensive punch. A sleeper for a New Year’s Day Bowl….or a May Day Parade.
August 26th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
17
Delicious Pundit says:
I’m surprised there’s no stories about Howard’s chess-by-mail games with Dr. Z.
August 26th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
18
GTSteve says:
Howard Schnellenberger is a leading candidate for closest real-life facsimile of the Dos Equis “World’s Most Interesting Man”
August 26th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
19
Greg says:
My first thought was, “He’s still alive?” I hope I’m still as spry when I get to be 75!
August 26th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
20
Big Head says:
You owe the co-workers an explanation.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:56 pm