HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25

by Orson on Aug 26, 2009 1:46 PM EDT

The following is Howard Schellenberger's unrevised, unedited top 25 ballot as submitted to the coaches' poll.

1. SMU. Just an unstoppable program. My pick for the 32nd year in a row.

2. Okinawa. Always liked the place, especially when I was setting it on fire with a flamethrower. Great seafood, too.

3. Margette, my mail lady. Shapely calves. Hate to see you leave, but I do love to watch you go.

4. Pedicures. What?

5. Merle Haggard. That young man has potential if he can just stay out of the pokey for a spell.

6. Condensed milk, straight from the can. Breakfast of champions.

7. Turfman's Leisuretime Scotch. The only scotch approved by the Biplane Owners' Association of America for consumption during open cockpit flight, Turfman's takes the edge off of even the bumpiest ride. Pregnant mothers should use only in moderation.

8. Snorting field chalk. Who the blue hell needs a "30 yard line"?

9. Kenny's Surf and Turf on A1A. Thanks for dropping the charges, Kenny.

10. Shalimar. Nothing else smells like a woman. Unless it's Ann-Margret in a chainmail bustier.

11. Clarified butter. I just can't stop drinking the stuff lately.

12. Ostrich quill pens, for the grocery list and her pleasure.

13. Florida State. Bobby Bowden's really got something going up there.

14. Graven idols.

15. The confident sheen and holding power of Turfman's Pomade, Part of the Turfman line of Products for Men. It's the hint of Turfman's Leisure Scotch that makes you want to try eating it.

16. Mermaids. They've always been good to me. Manatees, too, but they don't put out as easily.

17. The LA Rams. Whatever happened to those sonsaguns?

18. The Mandrell Sisters. It's so hard for me to pick one. I'll just have to take 'em all!

19. A nice frilly parasol on a hot summer's day. A man said something to me once about it. That man died.

20. Texas. First team to start a horse at quarterback, but someone's got to break a few rules to keep things interesting around here. Still finesse-y, but we can't all be Owl-tough.

21. Andrew Lloyd Webber. The guy's got my heart in a vise, and my balls in his capable fingers.

22. Sneezing. A cheap, natural high if I've ever found one.

23. My boat, the Battle of the Imjin River.

24. Feral cats. Hunting 'em's half the fun I ever have anymore.

25. Florida Atlantic University Owls.

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Comments

Nothing on Jim “Wash your legs!” Harbaugh’s new shower/poopstall?

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Aug 26, 2009 1:52 PM EDT reply actions

All in due time.

by Orson Swindle on Aug 26, 2009 1:56 PM EDT reply actions

Pace yourself, Orson. At this rate, we’ll be stuck with nothing but recycled Chan Gailey jokes by mid-October.

by Counter Trap on Aug 26, 2009 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

“Andrew Lloyd Webber. The guy’s got my heart in a vise, and my balls in his capable fingers.”

I’m really glad my door was shut when I read that out loud. Gold, Jerry. Gold.

by Maize n Brew Dave on Aug 26, 2009 2:07 PM EDT reply actions

I hate to quibble, but the last four spots should have been made up of a stain conglomerate of cognac, battery acid, sleep drool, and lymph.

by Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman on Aug 26, 2009 2:10 PM EDT reply actions

Schenelly looks like he smells of pipe tobacco, Parliment cigarettes (he smokes them at the same time), Aqua Velva, scotch, shoe leather, hair pomade, fresh turf and Rita Morena’s snatch.

by Harris on Aug 26, 2009 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

That picture of Howard is freaking me out. It’s like its not a picture at all, but a real mini-Schnelly hovering in front of me. I even tried to light his pipe.

by sonofsamford on Aug 26, 2009 2:17 PM EDT reply actions

What!!! Schnelly left SUSPENDERS and CARTER HALL PIPE TOBACCO (smokes great- just right – can’t bite – so fresh, so fresh in the pouch) out of his Top 25???

by yoyofutbawl on Aug 26, 2009 2:43 PM EDT reply actions

“8. Snorting field chalk. Who the blue hell needs a "30 yard line"?”

A bottle of Courvoisier to that man’s table, please.

by Innocent Bystander on Aug 26, 2009 3:17 PM EDT reply actions

“24. Feral cats. Hunting ‘em’s half the fun I ever have anymore. "

Howard Schellenberger is Randy Lenz? That certainly makes things more interesting.

by Scotthany on Aug 26, 2009 3:38 PM EDT reply actions

Wait. Turfman’s? Really? Turfman’s? I thought ole Howard was a Dapper Dan man.

by skinnyphatman on Aug 26, 2009 4:00 PM EDT reply actions

sounds like as reasonable a top 25 as any other I’ve read all week.

by CincySooner on Aug 26, 2009 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

“20. Texas. First team to start a horse at quarterback, but someone’s got to break a few rules to keep things interesting around here. Still finesse-y, but we can’t all be Owl-tough.”

He knew his gameplan was in trouble when they trotted a horse out onto the field instead of a cheap bottle of malt liquor.

by Bourbon Dawgwalker on Aug 26, 2009 4:27 PM EDT reply actions

@#6 Harris – that just makes me wish he were my Granddad.

by GamecockTony on Aug 26, 2009 4:36 PM EDT reply actions

You forgot to include

“Riding up San Juan Hill with Teddy and my good friend Bobby Bowden by my side.”

by pfhokie abides on Aug 26, 2009 4:36 PM EDT reply actions

The Imjin River is underated at #23. I’ve done PT runs along the banks, and the chemical slime and landmines give it quite an offensive and defensive punch. A sleeper for a New Year’s Day Bowl….or a May Day Parade.

by Nate on Aug 26, 2009 7:40 PM EDT reply actions