CURIOUS INDEX, 8/24/09


I'm not saying they're the best team around, just the best team in the stadium with a weak schedule. "Lou Holtz, it's August 22, 2009. You're saying Notre Dame is going to play for the BCS title."

He did say just that, in addition to a lengthy but ultimately excised rant about the sad disappearance of sock garters for men. You can't expect the ladies to sink their teeth in if they can't see the dressing on the turkey, men! Ask Dr. Lou, Love Surgeon, about wooing a woman the way Dwight Eisenhower used to do it. Notre Dame's combined opponent winning percentage of 49.7% places them in 86th place. This makes Holtz sound preposterous, but lest you forget the importance of recent history and your credit rating with the media, their neighbor at the 87 spot is USC. No one would bat an eye if USC played for the national title, except Jim Delany, and the batting eye would be a sty activated by the PTSD he gets when imagining Big Ten teams cut to fajita steak in the Rose Bowl.

(Also: this has happened before. Watch for additional hilarious overrating of Virginia Tech, another preseason beartrap we continue to put our hand into over and over again.)

The AP voters dig the minivan, kool-aid, and the holy underwear. The biggest variance in the quibbles between the AP poll (which came out this weekend) and the USA Today comes with BYU, who gets a 20 spot from the writers while the coaches' poll puts them at 24. The two polls agree on twelve of the 25 spots, including the first seven in sequence until the "8-9-10" sequence, where the writers go Mississippi-Oklahoma State-Penn State, because they lean new trend shiny,, and the coaches go "Penn State-LSU-Mississippi" and dump Oklahoma state down to 11, because they go stodgy I heart Paterno in the voting. It confirms the bias you already suspected in the polls: writers vote forward, coaches vote backward, and both end up being wrong in both directions by varying degrees depending on the degree of chaos present in college football that season.

Rex Burkhead, while not a replacement, certainly could command a submarine. Corn Nation gets lucid and says yes, actually, replacing I-back Quentin Castille will be difficult for Nebraska. Castille was booted from Nebraska this weekend for unspecified violations of team rules, which are things they can't talk about due to confidentiality. What kinds of things can't you talk about when it comes to student athletes? I'm afraid that's confidential, too, unless an unnamed source tells you the recruit went baby-punching, was caught with an eight-ball while driving a golf-cart through the student union, or (booooooring BOOOO) "was lazy and a bit of a fuckwit." It is safe to say that Nebraska's running game gets slightly less powerful without him in there, as Helu is a speed guy, and Castille was the pad-cracker.

Bo Pelini hinted that Castille's replacement was freshman Rex Burkhead. He was named "Superman" in high school, but getting a nickname in high school is as easy as picking up herpes in South Carolina (a breeze!) His name does have a huge penis, and could conceivably be seen on the nametag of a heroic Marine hovercraft captain. Points awarded for that, if for nothing else. He is also a skill player who is "melanin-challenged." The possession back strikes again.

Screaming forever in all directions. Michigan is progressing nicely after the Great Debacl'ing of 2009, and that confidence is evident in Rich Rodriguez's confident assertion that--

"We're not nearly close to being ready to play a game right now," Rodriguez said Sunday during the team's media day..."Our concerns that we have are probably still there -- a lack of depth in some positions," Rodriguez said.

A unified message is necessary for sustained and consistent PR messaging.

"I'm not worried about our depth," Robinson said. "I noticed that there's a lot of talk about that. In my mind, it'll all take care of itself."

In Greg Robinson's mind, Syracuse was this close to turning it around, and unicorns didn't exist he bet you could make a pretty convincing one with an old ram's horn and some glue and good ol' American gumption. Also, he may not realize he's not the head coach. He does realize that, right? If there's a scrawled letter reading "HED KOOCH" on his desk, you may have to have a conversation with him, and even then it might not matter. In his mind, the sign stands.

Oh, and that's THREE!!! THREE INEXPERIENCED QUARTERBACKS!!! AH-AH-AH!!!

$20 that will rock your white-trash face off. The best way to get RAWKED in Tampa on a Friday night for twenty dollars will not come in a plastic bag purchased under an I-4 overpass, believe it or not: It will be for the Oct. 30 game between the USF Bulls and WVU Mountaineers, a fiesty Big East matchup you may watch for a single Andrew Jackson. Also, plenty of tickets still available at Doak Campbell for the matchup with Miami, for reasons explained by neither team being all that good since the turn of the millenium.

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