CURIOUS INDEX, 8/24/09

by Orson on Aug 24, 2009 8:16 AM EDT

I'm not saying they're the best team around, just the best team in the stadium with a weak schedule. "Lou Holtz, it's August 22, 2009. You're saying Notre Dame is going to play for the BCS title."

He did say just that, in addition to a lengthy but ultimately excised rant about the sad disappearance of sock garters for men. You can't expect the ladies to sink their teeth in if they can't see the dressing on the turkey, men! Ask Dr. Lou, Love Surgeon, about wooing a woman the way Dwight Eisenhower used to do it. Notre Dame's combined opponent winning percentage of 49.7% places them in 86th place. This makes Holtz sound preposterous, but lest you forget the importance of recent history and your credit rating with the media, their neighbor at the 87 spot is USC. No one would bat an eye if USC played for the national title, except Jim Delany, and the batting eye would be a sty activated by the PTSD he gets when imagining Big Ten teams cut to fajita steak in the Rose Bowl.

(Also: this has happened before. Watch for additional hilarious overrating of Virginia Tech, another preseason beartrap we continue to put our hand into over and over again.)

The AP voters dig the minivan, kool-aid, and the holy underwear. The biggest variance in the quibbles between the AP poll (which came out this weekend) and the USA Today comes with BYU, who gets a 20 spot from the writers while the coaches' poll puts them at 24. The two polls agree on twelve of the 25 spots, including the first seven in sequence until the "8-9-10" sequence, where the writers go Mississippi-Oklahoma State-Penn State, because they lean new trend shiny,, and the coaches go "Penn State-LSU-Mississippi" and dump Oklahoma state down to 11, because they go stodgy I heart Paterno in the voting. It confirms the bias you already suspected in the polls: writers vote forward, coaches vote backward, and both end up being wrong in both directions by varying degrees depending on the degree of chaos present in college football that season.

Rex Burkhead, while not a replacement, certainly could command a submarine. Corn Nation gets lucid and says yes, actually, replacing I-back Quentin Castille will be difficult for Nebraska. Castille was booted from Nebraska this weekend for unspecified violations of team rules, which are things they can't talk about due to confidentiality. What kinds of things can't you talk about when it comes to student athletes? I'm afraid that's confidential, too, unless an unnamed source tells you the recruit went baby-punching, was caught with an eight-ball while driving a golf-cart through the student union, or (booooooring BOOOO) "was lazy and a bit of a fuckwit." It is safe to say that Nebraska's running game gets slightly less powerful without him in there, as Helu is a speed guy, and Castille was the pad-cracker.

Bo Pelini hinted that Castille's replacement was freshman Rex Burkhead. He was named "Superman" in high school, but getting a nickname in high school is as easy as picking up herpes in South Carolina (a breeze!) His name does have a huge penis, and could conceivably be seen on the nametag of a heroic Marine hovercraft captain. Points awarded for that, if for nothing else. He is also a skill player who is "melanin-challenged." The possession back strikes again.

Screaming forever in all directions. Michigan is progressing nicely after the Great Debacl'ing of 2009, and that confidence is evident in Rich Rodriguez's confident assertion that--

"We're not nearly close to being ready to play a game right now," Rodriguez said Sunday during the team's media day..."Our concerns that we have are probably still there -- a lack of depth in some positions," Rodriguez said.

A unified message is necessary for sustained and consistent PR messaging.

"I'm not worried about our depth," Robinson said. "I noticed that there's a lot of talk about that. In my mind, it'll all take care of itself."

In Greg Robinson's mind, Syracuse was this close to turning it around, and unicorns didn't exist he bet you could make a pretty convincing one with an old ram's horn and some glue and good ol' American gumption. Also, he may not realize he's not the head coach. He does realize that, right? If there's a scrawled letter reading "HED KOOCH" on his desk, you may have to have a conversation with him, and even then it might not matter. In his mind, the sign stands.

Oh, and that's THREE!!! THREE INEXPERIENCED QUARTERBACKS!!! AH-AH-AH!!!

$20 that will rock your white-trash face off. The best way to get RAWKED in Tampa on a Friday night for twenty dollars will not come in a plastic bag purchased under an I-4 overpass, believe it or not: It will be for the Oct. 30 game between the USF Bulls and WVU Mountaineers, a fiesty Big East matchup you may watch for a single Andrew Jackson. Also, plenty of tickets still available at Doak Campbell for the matchup with Miami, for reasons explained by neither team being all that good since the turn of the millenium.

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Comments

When Lou was at USChikin, he was callled to Williams Brice, as there was an orangutan swinging from the goalpost. Lou enticed him down by giving him a banana and then stopped a Highway Patrolman, asking him what to do. He told Lou to take him to Riverbanks Zoo, which he did.

Two days later, the same patrolman pulled over a black Town Car going 85 on US 378 west of Sumter. The window rolled down, and there was Lou with the orangutan. He said, “Coach I told you to take him to the zoo!” To which Lou replied, “I did, we had a great time and we’re going to Myrtle Beach for the weekend.”

Of course, this story is about as believeable as ND playing Florida for all the marbles.

by yoyofutbawl on Aug 24, 2009 9:16 AM EDT reply actions

Part of me actually wants to see ND play UF/Texas/OU/Bama/Pickens St./USC (oops, we will see that and therefore Lou is full of whatever dry stuffing they use for skinny chickens).

When these sorts of arguments revolve around schedules instead of the superiority of the Blob’s schemes, well, let’s just say Michigan 24, Notre Dame 23 comes immediately to mind in the prediction column. (Any use of this reasoning in the September 11 buffet picks without proper attribution will probably result in nothing as I will have forgotten by then.)

by Counter Trap on Aug 24, 2009 9:39 AM EDT reply actions

I would love to see Notre Lame get slaughtered by UF.

Sylvester is loony toons and needs to be put out to pasture.

by Ackos on Aug 24, 2009 9:49 AM EDT reply actions

Now now, Ackos, he said “play UF” not beat UF. They have the easiest road to get to a national title matchup against Florida, but are definitely not the second best team in the country.

by rusty on Aug 24, 2009 9:59 AM EDT reply actions

Re: YoYo @ 1 – So you are saying it is somewhat, kind of, in a world not too far away believable?

by Domer Guy on Aug 24, 2009 10:09 AM EDT reply actions

That I-4 overpass rawk-bag just got discounted to $10. Comes with free lackluster handjob in a repainted police cruiser!

by Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman on Aug 24, 2009 10:14 AM EDT reply actions

“Great Debacl’ing of 2009”

As a Michigan alum and fan, I have to point out that the Great Debacl’ing occurred in 2008. The Great Debacl’ing of 2009 hasn’t quite happened yet.

by Anon on Aug 24, 2009 10:22 AM EDT reply actions

Speaking of pre-season beartraps, how about those South Florida Bulls last year? I might still throw a twenty at the idea of spending an afternoon with them, but not much more.

OKState v. VaTech: who’s more overrated this year?

by ohiodawg on Aug 24, 2009 10:32 AM EDT reply actions

Orson,

I’ll be out in Doak for FSU-Miami….I can probably grab you a ticket, if you want to make the journey.

by MikeLew on Aug 24, 2009 10:48 AM EDT reply actions

Offer appreciated, Mike, but we’ll be in Nashville that night.

by Orson Swindle on Aug 24, 2009 10:58 AM EDT reply actions

Domer-

Yes. As implausible as that story is, with Lou anything could be possible.

I also love the mental image of Lou cruising in North Myrtle Beach with an orangutan at his side, both quaffing a cold Bud in a Gamechick coozee.

by yoyofutbawl on Aug 24, 2009 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

Holtz and Clyde in his version of the Clint Eastwood classics.

by Anonymous IV on Aug 24, 2009 11:07 AM EDT reply actions

Yeah $20 for a game is cheap, but UCLA has them beat. Season tickets (6 games) start at $99 and last year they were selling single game tickets at Costco.

by oc phil on Aug 24, 2009 11:11 AM EDT reply actions

Nice Sesame Street reference

by Geaux Irish on Aug 24, 2009 12:05 PM EDT reply actions

Are you with me, Dr. Lou? Are you really the same guy who put Notre Dame on probation?

by John on Aug 24, 2009 12:37 PM EDT reply actions

This is just mind-boggling, If I heard Holth correctly, he’s saying that since everyone on ND’s schedulc, except for USC, is expected to really suck, ND should go into the NC?

Maybe he’s just really trying to set the bar high enough for Jabba the Hut that when ND gets shellacked by UM, USC, MSU, & others, the Weis era may finally come to an end.

by ColoBama on Aug 24, 2009 1:10 PM EDT reply actions

When ND wins the BCS Championship they can place the trophy right next to Ron Powlus’s two Heisman trophies!

by Touchdown74 on Aug 24, 2009 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

Wait – a long time since a team won back-to-back titles? Do USC’s 03-04 titles (acknowledge the split with LSU) count? Is 5 years a longer period of time for 70 year olds than 30 year olds?

by winstongator on Aug 24, 2009 2:09 PM EDT reply actions

@#18:

No. For multiple reasons. No.

by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Aug 24, 2009 2:48 PM EDT reply actions

OS: I’ve noticed you are ragging on the B10 for getting “cut up” in the Rose Bowl. Has anyone from the SEC ever gone to Pete Carrol and USC’s home turf to play in a major bowl game? If not, I don’t see how you can criticize.

Plus, the rest of the B10 hangs with the SEC, except- of course- for OSU. Don’t hate Delany because he is beautiful and don’t hate the B10 because their media package (combined) brings in more than the SEC’s package.

The SEC looks good right now, pretend like you’ve been there before.

by PeterKlima on Aug 24, 2009 3:20 PM EDT reply actions

“Act like you’ve been there before.”

Duane Johnson? PLEASE CALL ME A JABRONI NEXT.

by Orson Swindle on Aug 24, 2009 3:26 PM EDT up reply actions

@8, it’s a trick question. The answer is Ole Miss.

by I'm A Lasagna Hog on Aug 24, 2009 3:49 PM EDT reply actions

May the invisible pink unicorn sternly admonish Quentin Castille. Dammit, Burkhead, you better be faster than your ethnicity implies!! Go Big Red!

by Brizzle on Aug 24, 2009 3:53 PM EDT reply actions

I must have missed something. Does Notre Dame not play USC this season? Because predicting a Notre Dame win in that game…well I don’t know how to finish that sentence.

by Pants McPants on Aug 24, 2009 6:10 PM EDT reply actions

@ 18. Of course the back to back titles count (unless the person you are talking to smells like a corndog)

Re: Notre Dame. Don’t forget they have the “Lebron James of football” playing quarterback for them again this year. When was the last time the Domers actually beat a team that finished the year in the top 20? I know it hasn’t happened since Charlie brought his decided schematic advantages to campus.

by oc phil on Aug 24, 2009 6:41 PM EDT reply actions

I didn’t even know who Duane Johnson was until I looked it up online. Just because that tool uses a term that long pre-dates his popularity does not mean it is his term. It’s a legit syaing that has little to do with him.

JAMBRONI, however, might be a phrase he coined, but I don’t know enough about “the Rock” and post Ric Flair professional wrestlin to know. WOOOOOHHHHH!

by Peterklima on Aug 24, 2009 7:52 PM EDT reply actions