ALTERNATE HISTORIES, VOL. 1: A SIMPLE FISHING TRIP
THE INCIDENT AS SEEN BY AN ALABAMA FAN.
A serene morning on the Alabama Gulf Coast. A small, modest fishing vessel passes along the coast.
Mark: I’m so glad we’re out here fishing on this peaceful and serene water this morning.
Julio: Me too, Mark. But only after we fulfilled our duties as football players, and as student-athletes, and as people, first. Real, character people.
Mark: Which is why we’ve come on this fishing trip. Not for ourselves, though I’m sure I’m going to enjoy it. Won’t you, Julio?
Julio: Oh, of course. Hey, look!
They both land fifty pound tuna simultaneously.
Mark and Julio: WOW!!!
Curtis Anderson: Thank you, boys, for helping an old, crippled man taste the sweet flavor of the outdoors again. It’s like I’m fully alive again. Thank you, boys, for making that possible.
BOOM! A sunburst appears, and a hole in the clouds opens to show NICK SABAN addressing them from the heavens.
Nick Saban: Don’t you mean men, Curtis?
Nick Saban: [/gives the thumbs up. Bear Bryant appears in the background with a sign and arrow pointing to Saban. It reads: UNSTOPPABLE BADASS. Saban puts arm around Bear Bryant, disappears.]
FIN
PART TWO: THE INCIDENT AS SEEN BY AN AUBURN FAN
A four hundred foot yacht. MARK INGRAM AND JULIO JONES arrive by helicopter.
Curtis Anderson, crippled international arms dealer and villain: Boys, welcome to my yacht…The Bear Essentials. Winks suggestively.
Mark Ingram: Are those ladies naked?
Anderson: No. Some of them are wearing money stapled to their genitals and nipples.
Julio Jones: I’ll take twenty.
Anderson: Not before you take a little…swim.
Ingram/Jones: A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF MONEY!!!
Anderson: Not just money, boys: money COVERED IN STEROIDS!!!
Ingram/Jones: That’s the best kind!!! WHEEEE!!!!
They dive in.
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51
alex hamilton says:
It’s funny because it clearly juxtaposes the delusion of both sides. Most Alabama fans think that nothing wrong ever goes on at THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA.
(it’s in all caps because we will kick everyone’s ass again this year, save perhaps Florida, but Florida doesn’t count, they are a league of Cyborgs. Their two main Cyborgs “almost” went to THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA, but, we’re glad they are at Florida. Had they come to our school, we’d still have Shula. This way, THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA will win the 2010 NC once all the main Cyborgs graduate, er, run out of eligibility. I don’t see Spikes donning a cap and gown, he’ll just pretend he’s a badass some more and talk about pushing Andre Smith down while Andre was not looking.)
And, conversely, most Auburn fans are so jealous of THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA that they would do anything to see us brought under an NCAA investigation. I mean, you can’t count on your fingers and toes the times last season that Auburn Douchebags would call up Paul Finebaum and swear on their mother’s life that the NCAA had already sent THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA a PLOI (that stands for ‘preliminary letter of inquiry’, for those of you that are fans of schools that don’t get dangled over the death penalty in the same manner as a spider over a flame in Jonathan Winthrop’s ‘Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God’.) The fact of the matter remains that we’re not going on probation for paying players and Auburn can’t stand it. Hey Auburn, Dre Kirkpatrick is going to play, and pick off what ever garbage that weak armed QB throws, or what ever duck that your Dameyune Craig wannabe can heave. There will be no suspensions of any UA player this year.
The NCAA, however, is full of liberal douchbags that think they are somehow righting social injustices of the 1950’s and 1960’s by putting THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA on probation. Yeah, all you condescending, liberal, elitist pansies are a complete waste of time and resources that steal from the physical labor of college basketball players. Miles Brand and Thomas Yeager never made $4 million dollars a year because 95,000 people don’t care to see them stroke their own egos. 95,000 people will pay $400/ year to see the best football coach in the 21st century, however. Neither one of them could carry Saban or Meyer’s jockstrap.
The simple fact of the matter is that Nate @ 45 is dead on. Julio worked at Zeke’s. And for all you blowhards that are crying foul, it is intense work to be a hand on a fishing boat. I’m sure a lot of his tensile strength was honed while pulling lines on a rocking boat. It’s hard work and Julio obviously did a good job.
And to the punk @ 36, aren’t you full of yourself? You want a standard bammer response? Here’s one, “we just beat the hell out of you, Rammer Jammer Yellowhammer!” 36,,,, as in 36-0??? How appropriate!
As someone that has been out on the Miss Celeste several times, it’s a hell of a good time. For you dirt poor Aubs, the Miss Celeste is a $18 million dollar yacht that is parked at Zeke’s. You know, that really big boat that you wished you could see the inside of, but you can’t because you got a Sociology degree at Awbarn and now all you can do is manage a Jack’s Family Restaurant. And Zeke’s is that white table cloth restaurant at the marina, the one you wish you could eat at but all you can afford is the Microtel in Gulf Shores and McDonalds for your one meal a day during your 2 day beach trip.
But you damn Aubs need to get over yourselves. Nothing wrong happened. And all you Auburn fans can go back to watching your lackluster offense because you won’t be seeing the NCAA do anything to THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA anytime soon. Get over it.
August 24th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
52
General Dick Plainview says:
My buddy (who is from Athens, AL) and his friends used to beat the crap out of Anderson’s kid on a consistent basis during his high school years. He said they stopped when he turned 17 because he grew a goatee and started buying beer for them with a fake ID. Nonetheless, he said Anderson is an Auburn fan and that his kid is a complete douche.
While Anderson’s kid had nothing to do with this it’s still worth pointing out for the sole purpose that Anderson lied to the B’Ham News and the Mobile Press Register relative to his involvement with Julio and Mark and their status as UA football players
August 24th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
53
chg says:
I just can’t get over that #8 had no idea Athens, Alabama existed. I don’t think I’m going out too far on a limb when I suppose J has spent most or all of his live in the state. I’m from two states over and I’ve heard of Athens, Alabama
August 24th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
54
MSUDoginAL says:
Quick clarification.
In the story, it states that Mr Anderson, from Athens, knew of Julio from NEARBY Foley, AL. (This is from the B’ham New article). The Huntsville Times artilce does a much better job explaining. I just thought it was funny that the article made it seem that Athens and Foley are close to each other.
And leave poor Jackie alone, all he did was castrate a bull and win a bunch of games for us. Yeah he cheated (and if you think your school doesn’t cheat, you are a fool) and he got caught. The biggest thing Jackie did at MSU was prove that you could win at MSU, it is not easy but it can be done.
Finally @Nate, I never accused UAT of cheating. I was just asking a question so get your panties out of a wad.
August 25th, 2009 at 8:20 am
55
Cotton Mather says:
@Alex Hamilton 51
9.9/10. Nailed it on the head. The only deduction comes from improper citation-Jonathan Edwards delivered the sermon ‘Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God’. Other than that, ++++, would read again.
August 25th, 2009 at 9:20 am
56
lotterman says:
Julio has a very big johnson and Anderson’s daughter wanted a piece. Mark Ingram was just banging 10 other white girls that wanted to swing mandingo.
August 25th, 2009 at 9:34 am
57
GuavaSteve says:
MSUDog – another quick clarification: Foley is SOUTH and EAST of Mobile.
Alex Hamilton – Good God Man! Are your fingers bloody?
August 25th, 2009 at 9:49 am
58
L-BurgTNFan says:
There is photographic evidence of the Bama fishing outing! See for yourself!
http://loserwithsocks.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/alfishing.jpg
August 25th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
59
MSUDoginAL says:
@GuavaSteve: you are correct, brain fart on my part. But my basic premise is still somewhat valid.
I am having fun reading the UAT fans over-reaction. Alex Hamilton is a perfect example of it. I am still LMAO at his post.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
60
NativeSon says:
You know, I was honestly just thinking to myself this morning, “I wonder how long it’ll be before I see the first UA vs AU flamewar of the new season on EDSBS?”
Thank you guys for christening the 2009 CFB Season. *sniff*
August 25th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
61
WarChiziken says:
Two words – jock. sniffer.
August 26th, 2009 at 7:57 am
62
kleph says:
we’re gonna need a bigger boat.
August 27th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
63
GeneralTso says:
To the guy bragging about going out on the Miss Celeste: Your response is even more pathetic as I look at the Miss Celeste directly across Cotton Bayou from where I’m typing. Really, you want people to be impressed because you went out ONCE on a charter boat? Color you bad. I’ll take my “AU sociology degree” over whatever connection it is bammers are supposed to have … ignorance, racism, both? or something worse? … and be happy my own identity isn’t completely tied to how well a number of 18 year olds play football.
All the Auburn fans who make up 75 percent of the population in Orange Beach are crying Col. Reb tears.
August 28th, 2009 at 7:06 pm