CURIOUS INDEX, 8/21/2009


Like a Calliope full of cowboys rolling sideways down hill. The Oklahoma State fight song has always sounded like a circus thrown into a blender with a rodeo to us:

The position of carnie barker--and there must be one, since Oklahoma is the single largest producer of carnies, according to Barking Carnival--will be played by T. Boone Pickens, whose final predicted score for the Georgia game is one Steve Spurrier in his Luciferian prime would dismiss as "ambitious:"

STILLWATER — Boone Pickens already has a final score in mind for his favorite football team in its season opener: Oklahoma State 387, Georgia 24.

This will only occur if T. Boone decides to bribe the ever-loving shit out of every player on the Georgia roster, something he is capable of doing, and may very well attempt. Oklahoma State under Mike Gundy is 4-12 versus BCS teams; Mark Richt is 17-3, and has God's phone number. (Though he loses it periodically, often around Halloween.) The worst blowout in history, in case you're not fond of throwing out this $200 Jeopardy answer already, is the 220-0 blowout of Cumberland College by a John Heisman-coached Georgia Tech team. Remember John Heisman, y'all: noted innovator in college football, namesake of its most prestigious trophy, and utter and hopeless dick forever.

The NCAA's gonna need an extra plate, please. That thing walking around your peas and meatloaf is the heart of the NCAA, ripped out of its chest by a Florida judge who determined that the NCAA did not, in fact, have privileges usually reserved for documents involving national security and the CIA and Freemasons' scheme to kill Kennedy. If this came as a shock to the NCAA in their tussle with Florida State in a court, it should not have. Judges in Florida are granted the power to rip hearts out, but outside of Miami the power is infrequently invoked. (In Miami, it's used as far down as traffic court.) If you're wondering which side we're rooting for in this case, the answer is FLAMING METEOR DESTROYING ALL CONCERNED.

Serious offenses only, please. Suspended license? Piffle usually reserved for UGA, but enough to irk Urbz into publicly commenting on it.

Neologisms, 2009: This year's hottness: The Deathbacker, preferably played by someone with a name like "Grimm." Additional suggestions: Major Wright and Taylor Mays are no longer to be referred to as "safeties," and will instead play the position of "Free Hazard." (HT: Brian.)

TE, out for season, scrofula of the cerebellum. Texas has been losing tight ends like so many dying flies, but as Ivan Maisel and the statsheet point out, Texas really didn't really bother using one outside of the I-formation, anyway. This doesn't mean the TE is an extinct position--it's well alive in pro-style offenses, and is used as a trixy wrinkle by Florida and other in the spread. It just means when the next Longhorn puts on the red uniform and beams down to the practice field, it won't matter as much for them. This braking on a sweeping generalization based on a single instance of a team phasing out the TE is brought to you by discretion: making life less fun for 3,000 years.

Bonus sixth item challenge: Find a single item of useful information in this Gene Wojo piece, and receive a free caramel! (Other than Weis likes Albert Pujols, and that they learned a lot from each other, meaning Pujols now knows Tom Brady's cell phone number, and Charlie Weis now has a satchelful of bootleg Mexican anabolic steroids to share with the team.)

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