NICK SABAN TELLS ROOM FULL OF REPORTERS TO PEE SITTING DOWN

by Orson on Aug 19, 2009 10:56 AM EDT

There really should be a collection of Nick Saban's finest press moments cut together for the benefit of the general public. Nick Saban will not go off on a long, absurd tirade in the fine tradition of Denny Green or Jim Mora, or challenge other coaches to fights, or even berate a reporter individually in full freak-out mode like Mike Gundy. That would be too personal.

Nick Saban addresses a waiting media.

Instead, Saban just stumbles around a rhetorical corner, bumps into a crew of dudes, and just starts simultaneously swinging and pissing on all of them to mark his territory and let a horrified group of people know that even though they weren't expecting to have lunch with Johnny Cockpunch today, they're sitting at the table whether they like it or not. And for lunch, yeah: it's cockpunching time for reporters who dare to speculate about the depth chart.

"We let you come to practice. If you're going to speculate on the depth chart and who's starting at what positions, then I'm going to close practice -- for everybody," Saban said. "So nobody's going to get to come at all.

"When you say one guy's starting in the newspaper and he's really not starting, that makes the guy that is starting come up to me and say, 'Why are they putting it in the paper that I'm not starting?'"

Saban said depth chart issues should be solved internally before they are dispersed to the public.

Saban then commanded them to all pee sitting down for the rest of the week, and told them they would be checking in on them at any second to make sure they were doing what he said. He then took a dollar from each reporter for protection, and then left the room while slowly walking backwards and doing the two fingered "I'm-watching-you" gesture, pointing first at his eyes, and then at them, and then back again.

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Comments

Damn I love Saban.

by drb on Aug 19, 2009 11:09 AM EDT reply actions

Control freak.

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Aug 19, 2009 11:17 AM EDT reply actions

At least he’s being cordial…he could just fuck you up.

by Kevin@LSU on Aug 19, 2009 11:20 AM EDT reply actions

It’s Saban’s third year. Reporters should know better than to ask about the depth chart.

by jthomas666 on Aug 19, 2009 11:22 AM EDT reply actions

Johnny Cockpunch. ’Nuff said.

by ohiodawg on Aug 19, 2009 11:35 AM EDT reply actions

which is exactly why alabama media were all “meh” over the proposed sec rules.

by kleph on Aug 19, 2009 11:55 AM EDT reply actions

Every time Saban puts a member of the media in their place, an angel gets its wings.

Roll Tide.

by LD on Aug 19, 2009 11:55 AM EDT reply actions

Really. How dare reporters write about things other than what Saban wants them to. Like the depth chart. Who cares about the depth chart? Why would you write about that kind of thing?

I don’t know when Nick Saban’s next 7-6 season with the Tide will be, but I know it’s gonna be fun to watch.

by MaconDawg on Aug 19, 2009 12:18 PM EDT reply actions

MaconDawg – that 7-6 season may be fun to watch but the Alabama press will NOT be allowed to report on it…Saban won’t allow it.

by hobeg8r on Aug 19, 2009 12:39 PM EDT reply actions

LMFAO…the writing here is second only to the Bible. That author ROCKS. the two-fingered im watching you gesture…great stuff.. “I’ll take you down, I’ll take you down to chinatown”

by col reb on Aug 19, 2009 12:40 PM EDT reply actions

An exhibition of authority to the State’s press only surpassed by the time that Bear whipped the publishers of Alabama’s three highest selling newspapers at a 1974 press conference “to send a message” after a column noting a lot of youth in certain positions in the club.

by King Cockfight on Aug 19, 2009 12:52 PM EDT reply actions

hobeg8r, I personally plan to compensate for the blackout by imagining Paul Finebaum in a cadet’s outfit a la Kevin Bacon in Animal House screaming to no one in particular “All is well. All is well!!!”

by MaconDawg on Aug 19, 2009 12:56 PM EDT reply actions

This is one of those times I look to my brothers down on the plain for inspiration.

When they hired a short coach, they were certain he could do two things our Mighty Lord and Sabior seems unable to accomplish.

1. Be considerate of others
2. Win all his games

by Reasonable Tide Fan on Aug 19, 2009 1:14 PM EDT reply actions

I love it. If u ask a dumb%#@ question, then u get what u deserve. Great job coach!!!

by Jayreal on Aug 19, 2009 1:27 PM EDT reply actions

To hell with Saban….RIPPEDJASON scares the hell out of me….the stuff of nightmares, I tell ya….

by Stan Gable on Aug 19, 2009 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

@ Kevin@LSU: But he reserves the right to fuck you up.

by Harris on Aug 19, 2009 2:08 PM EDT reply actions

Too bad Ian Rappaport is gone. I feel like he would’ve taken that press conference to the next level.

by JimHalpert on Aug 19, 2009 2:18 PM EDT reply actions

When asked for comments, Mike Shula invariably stared vacantly, urinated down his khakis and then hid in the nearest closet.

I prefer the present, thanks very much.

by Counter Trap on Aug 19, 2009 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

I don’t see the problem here.

It’s a preseason depth chart, which is about as useful as a preseason poll. What’s wrong with Saban ripping someone’s balls off over it if it’s causing him a headache???

by PeterPumpkinhead on Aug 19, 2009 2:58 PM EDT reply actions

MaconDawg, Finebaum hasn’t been anywhere near an Alabama football press conference in close to 20 years.

by Long Tom on Aug 19, 2009 3:02 PM EDT reply actions

Roll Cockpunch!

by Croc on Aug 19, 2009 3:02 PM EDT reply actions

#17
Its Ian’s new REPLACEMENT that will take things to the next level, I promise you this. That guy will be getting a Colombian neck tie from Saban before the year is out.

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Aug 19, 2009 3:12 PM EDT reply actions

The media monkeys and the junket junkies will invite you to their plastic pantomime. Throw their invites away.

by EZ on Aug 19, 2009 5:09 PM EDT reply actions

Hopefully after the “i’m-watching-you” gesture, Saban warned them, “don’t mess with the bull, son, you’ll get the horns!” Then smoothed his eyebrows with his index finger and pinkie.

by skinnyphatman on Aug 19, 2009 5:53 PM EDT reply actions

Long Tom, after listening to him that doesn’t surprise me. But he’d still look a lot more entertaining in that role than Gentry Estes. Not as entertaining as Finebaum playing Forrest Gump, but entertaining nonetheless.

by MaconDawg on Aug 19, 2009 6:36 PM EDT reply actions

Everytime little hitler opens his mouth, some poor schmuck gets blamed for his sshortcomings. pun very much intended!

by KoolBell4AU on Aug 19, 2009 8:40 PM EDT reply actions

Nick only wants the reporters to pee sitting down so that he can look them in the eye.

by DarthChef on Aug 19, 2009 10:03 PM EDT reply actions

It was precisely 6:30 p.m. ona midsummer’s evening at the La Strada Club at the corner of Bourbon and Toulouse. A white-haired blues man was playing an acoustic guitar on the small stage when a tanned, well dressed man strolled in. He looked neither left nor right and took a seat at the bar. One had the feeling he never sat in any other place. As dust motes setlled in the fading early evening light, a bartender appeared and disappeared, unbidden. In front of the man on the spotless bar was a short glass of amber liquid in which a single ice cube floated. The well dressed man sipped his drink, never having altered his calm expression. Two minutes had passed. The bartender appeared and vanished again. The man put something like an envelope inside his suit jacket. His shoes were Italian made and butter soft cordovan. He dismounted the bar stool and was gone. Someone said, “Was that Nick Saban?” No one answered. No one dared to answer.

by Grampa Fug on Aug 19, 2009 10:14 PM EDT reply actions

If there’s no depth chart, then how could "the guy that is starting come up to [Saban] and say, ‘Why are they putting it in the paper that I’m not starting?’"

Still funny though.

by Tater Salad on Aug 20, 2009 9:33 AM EDT reply actions