THE PRESEASON TOP 25 SECURITY RANKINGS: 23, NOTRE DAME

by Orson on Aug 17, 2009 2:00 PM EDT

We rate the top 25 estimates by national security. Nerd up, geek out, and follow along for number 23, Notre Dame.

23. Notre Dame.

Companion Country: Russia. Ruled by a strong man who, after a long losing streak in contests abroad finally led his nation to victory against inferior opposition in 2008.

Like Putin, enjoys photo ops emphasizing his cold lethality.

Economically, Notre Dame is also a single commodity market, dependent largely on the performance of their quarterback, Jimmy Clausen, who coordinated the respectably ranked 34th ranked passing game despite being "protected" by the 100th ranked pass game, a natural analog to Russia's formidable ability to bomb away at distance with nuclear weapons while sitting behind 12,514 miles of land border. If his value declines, the whole country's economy collapses. Clausen also shares Russian gangsters' fondness for hair gel and numerous gaudy rings, and could easily double as a Muscovite oil tycoon-on-the-make bribing a traffic cop/ND usher to let him out of a traffic ticket/make noise during a football game.

Also, Charlie Weis likes to poison his opponents with radioactive tea. < ---totally untrue and completely speculative both for Weis and Pooty-poot. Luv u Vladimir plz dont kil me kthx.

Internal Stability: As good as it has been in decades, but that doesn't say much? The strong man in question, Charlie Weis, would be seconds away from firing were it not for the general consensus that Notre Dame's schedule was as easy an array of foes as the Empire had faced since Soviet troops ran roughshod over Czech hippies in Prague. ND goes to Michigan to face a Michigan team still on the rebuild-rebound, and plays Boston College in South Bend (or doesn't, if you're the ND fan who doesn't like to speak of "Fredo," who coincidentally has taken the gun six times in a row, killed Al Neri, and then stormed up to you in the part of "Michael" and drastically rewritten the story line by shooting the Godfather. Either way, feel free to pretend they don't exist. It's cute, in a petty, SEC-fan kind of way. We mean that.)

The game against USC is likely a lost cause, and because they should win it the game against Pitt at Pitt should terrify the Irish since the Wannstache does his best stabbin' when you think he's only got a butter knife in hand. Otherwise, we're talking a nine or ten win season on paper for the Irish, and that bodes well for the man in charge and his long-term job prospects. The serfs of Notre Dame fandom will likely flock to their leader, as they do tend to act more on faith than evidence, and like to shoot dissenters on sight. Be warned, should you point out any mention of the weak schedule, suspect running game, or likely disappointment in a BCS game come December 15th or so. They'll be 10-2 or 9-3, and that will be all that matters to set the still-formidable Notre Dame hype machine into Speznaz silent killing mode.

Surprising thing you did not know about this team: Nine starters back on offense, six on defense, and the noobs include Manti Te'o, the Stormin' Mormon from Hawai'i who will man strongside linebacker while silently tut-tutting in his head at all the naughty language defensive coordinator Jon Tenuta uses. Charlie Weis will call plays from the sideline, most likely, in a Putin-esque display of manliness in the face of injury. He will, however, leave his pet tiger on the sideline, as it is a real distraction when it starts bounding around the field.

Also: Golden Tate. Strong like Stalin.

The IMF says: Russian-themed ribbing aside, the long-term prospects are good, but with a sour take. Approve ND for extensive credit into the low teens, especially if they perform well against USC, something they may be able to do with a pressure defense, home-run ball offense (hope you like the fade to Golden Tate! You're getting 384739482 of them this season,) and homefield advantage. Then, if possible, sell shares when they're snapped up by a BCS bowl, watch others do the same, and buy the cover when they lose to a two loss standard-bearer like Texas, USC, or whomever they end up facing in a BCS defeat. A replay of 2006? Sure, but all in all 2006 was a pretty good year. Notre Dame's not there yet, but 23 seems like a bit cautious, and more of a hedge by voters finally overreacting to years of "turnaround, arrived!" votes in the mid-teens. As with any good market, run the other way to profit, and put 'em somewhere between 13-18, which is where they'll likely end up after a solid year.

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Comments

Can’t wait to see the Gomers flame out. Again.

by stockman on Aug 17, 2009 2:08 PM EDT reply actions

That felt oddly optimistic. You’re clearly not a closet ND fan, otherwise the last few years of pain would make you incapable of such things.

T’eo looks like he’ll be playing WILL, not SAM. To guess at a paraphrase of what Tenuta probably said to T’eo regarding the position: “Less think. More kill.”

by domer.mq on Aug 17, 2009 2:40 PM EDT reply actions

“Like Putin, enjoys photo ops emphasizing his cold lethality.”

And now I have the image of a shirtless Charlie Weiss riding some poor horse stuck in my head. Thanks

by BennyBeav on Aug 17, 2009 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

.threadjack.

Dabo’s tenure in the hellhole at Clemson should prove to be short-lived indeed.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/football/ncaa/08/17/clemson-parker.ap/index.html?eref=si_ncaaf

by der schatten on Aug 17, 2009 2:48 PM EDT reply actions

You left your html tag open ended.

by Chg on Aug 17, 2009 2:55 PM EDT reply actions

That’s a bold statement Orson.
/shows self out

by Ry on Aug 17, 2009 3:11 PM EDT reply actions

Kudos Ry. Well done!

by The Bull Gator on Aug 17, 2009 3:21 PM EDT reply actions

I’d feel a lot better about this team if the OL didn’t suck balls. With the return of a healthy Malcolm Floyd, Clausen should be strafing opposing defenses like the Red Army picking off the retreating Germans. But those deep passes take a long time to develop and you can only call so many seven-stop drops before the defense starts sending delayed blitzes and if those fat farmboys on the line can’t give Jimmah time to throw, 2009 is going to be real damned ugly.

by Harris on Aug 17, 2009 3:46 PM EDT reply actions

I’d actually argue that Notre Dame is Sonny; Georgetown is Michael.

by Featherston on Aug 17, 2009 4:25 PM EDT reply actions

I think Notre Dame will go 10-2. But I have no idea if that means they’re any good or not. They’ll make it to the USC game undefeated, hype up to ridiculously level, Game of the Century stuff…and they’ll lose by 2 touchdowns. They’ll drop another down the stretch (Pitt, UConn or Stanford) but still go to the Orange/Sugar Bowl.

The scary thing to ponder…what is USC is “down” for them? I’m talking like 9-3 and they lose to Notre Dame. ND could be undefeated and playing for a national championship by playing a schedule 100 times worse than Utah’s last year. And it’s not ND’s fault that the big teams they scheduled in the past all suck now but…just imagine that.

by Edsall is God on Aug 17, 2009 4:44 PM EDT reply actions

Six starters returning a defense that couldn’t tackle a Tony Franklin-coached offense of seven year-old girls with vitamin deficiencies.

I can honestly see them dropping three of the last four plus USC and Michigan State.

8-4 or 7-5. Tsushima it is, then.

by Counter Trap on Aug 17, 2009 4:50 PM EDT reply actions

V’y takiye duraki. Notr’ Dem samaya velikaya komanda futbolnaya vsevo mira. M’y budem pobezhdat’ v’sekh protivnikov, bklyuchaya Nevada, Michigan, Michigan State, Purdue, Washington, USC, Wazzu, Navy, Pitt, UConn, i Stanford, i drugaya komanda, nazvaniye kotoroy ya ne mogu pomnyu. Irlandskiye v’sekh stran’, soyedinyayetyes’!

by OfcrTim on Aug 17, 2009 4:53 PM EDT reply actions

A schedule worse than Utah’s last year would be hard to overcome. Utah State and Weber State and infinitely worse than teams on ND’s schedule next season, not to mention that wicket gauntlet of the Mountain West conference.

by We talkin' about Utah. on Aug 17, 2009 4:57 PM EDT reply actions

I said it here.. first. Michigan is beating ND this year.

by Baggar Vance on Aug 17, 2009 5:01 PM EDT reply actions

@14

Baggar, I would be completely unshocked to the point of watching the betting line beforehand and behaving accordingly.

by Counter Trap on Aug 17, 2009 5:13 PM EDT reply actions

holy god what the hell is going on with Weis’s shirt in that picture. it’s like it’s alive.

by bj on Aug 17, 2009 5:22 PM EDT reply actions

Charlie “Moire” Weiss, master of never running degauss options on his circa ’92 Packard-Bell shirts.

Oh, and football related: Notre Dame returning to merely competent would please me. Picking on the mentally challenged is less gratifying.

by vegas_buckeye on Aug 17, 2009 6:38 PM EDT reply actions

Bagger I’ll start with you. Michigan can’t beat their own meat and win right now. Rodriguez is out by game 9.
Notre Dame is going to win 11 games during the regular season; then go to the Sugar Bowl where an SEC team will beat them handily – no matter, before the game we’ll sit around and count that 4.5million we don’t have to share with anyone.
Also, the over under on games before Charlie starts coaching from a rascal on the sidelines is 3. Place your bets.

by atlantdomer on Aug 17, 2009 6:40 PM EDT reply actions

@12: Is that Russian or Orgeron?

As for ND: Aside from USC, there’s no unwinnable game on their schedule – but there are a couple that could trip them up. They haven’t beaten MSU in South Bend since Clinton’s first term. Pitt doesn’t seem like they should be good, which by Wannstache logic means they probably win. UConn, Michigan, and Nevada could all pose threats (though I doubt ND loses two of those).

Most of the hype seems to be coming from the assumption that Jimmah is as good as he looked against Hawaii. This seems likely to be a very bad assumption, because Hawaii’s defense was not half as good as half the teams ND will face this year.

by SpartanDan on Aug 17, 2009 7:06 PM EDT reply actions

Does that dumbass really have his finger on the trigger? That’s such a metaphor for his ever shortening tenure at ND.

HOLY JESUS! WTF IS THAT?!?!

Charlie Weiss always reminds me of this…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IayHnA0cGuc

by Sergeant Hartman on Aug 17, 2009 8:41 PM EDT reply actions

I’ve always thought of ND as more Republic of China than Russia. Like the ROC, ND was a big, continental power back in the day, but is now relegated to regional-power status. Like ND, the ROC is also an “independent,” having been kicked out of the UN, and is unable to even join groups like ASEAN (though ASEAN is more of a mid-major conference). Both are also big on the color green. Food’s better in Taiwan than Indiana, however.

by Matt on Aug 17, 2009 11:23 PM EDT reply actions

To all the Domers who like to refer to BC as Fredo: Watch the movie again.

Fredo is not Michael’s incompetent younger brother. Fredo’s is Michael’s incompetent OLDER brother, who comes on the scene late, yet passes Fredo and renders him insignificant.

Notre Dame was founded in 1844. BC was founded in 1863.

Who’s Fredo now, bitch?

by Sonny C on Aug 18, 2009 11:47 AM EDT reply actions

The Fredo reference came from the betrayal of the family, not from competence or age. Really mostly used by the basketball fans who are miffed over BC leaving the Big East, when the name was coined.

by JTG on Aug 18, 2009 4:45 PM EDT reply actions