THE PRESEASON TOP 25 SECURITY RANKINGS, OREGON STATE/BYU
by Orson on Aug 13, 2009 1:07 PM EDT
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PrintFor a time in our misspent youth, we wanted to work in national security. Don't laugh: worse people have done the job at very high levels, with even the admittedly insane thriving in positions of great import. For a time, nothing was more fun for a compulsive list-maker than constructing lists of "States Most Likely to Fail," something we did for a large non-profit relief agency specializing in these things. Unfortunately, this proved to be totally useless, since we were for the most part writing reports for people who already knew what was happening in the field, but couldn't get through to management.
Us: "Yes, the current food shortage in Somalia does hint at some serious instability outside of Puntland."
Management: "You don't say? [/attends useless 3 hour meeting]"
Field office: "Thanks. We'll use this report to paper the walls of our bombed-out office."
Thus leading us to the only logical way to rank the relative values of the USA Today Coaches Poll preseason top 25, an exercise we've become increasingly opposed to as time wears on. (See: extensive arguments about the inflexibility of rankings, the need to rank teams after week three or so, etc.) Each team will therefore be ranked in terms of stability, and correlated to the country of their choice.
Benny Beaver, jacked on over-the-counter cough syrup. Again.
25. Oregon State. Taiwan. The Asian Tiger of the Pac-10, Oregon State is always a nice bid for a 25 spot, especially because most voters not named Steve Spurrier are completely out of ideas by the time they get to 25. Like the Tropical New Jersey of the South China Sea, Oregon State makes diamonds from the coal surrounding them, somehow remaining competitive and managing power transitions well. (The Riley-Erickson-Riley switch progressed without the usual "Dennis Erickson Implosion," a move of underplayed skill on OSU's part.) They run the daylights out of the ball, win eight or nine games a year with frequency, and generally manage their limited resources well. A solid 25 pick by any standards, especially with a healthy Jacquizz Rodgers.
Internal Stability: Good, save for the continual qb hedging between senior qbs Sean Canfield, who can throw the ball well, and Lyle Moevao, who can throw the ball well and good through the chest of a receiver, but has the man-bear willingness to take hits and dish them out on occasion.
Surprising thing you did not know about the team and the country: Both thrive despite the constant threat of nuclear destruction: Taiwan by China, and Oregon State by the periodic rumors of Mike Riley being hired away from Corvallis.
Also, the Beavers lose eight starters on defense, but that defense allowed 694 yards to Oregon in the final game of the season, so yeah: losing 72.7272% of nothing means you've lost nothing, even if this was the same defense that baffled USC into last year's upset.
The IMF says: Credit rating is strong, leadership in place, and policies seem sound. Approve loans to conservative limits, and authorize futures no higher than #18, the highest ranking the Beavers have ever finished with under Riley.
24. BYU.
Ah, the celebratory gay dancing of the Mormon Haka! And by gay, well, we obviously just mean "festive"
Companion country: Iran. Forever rumored to be lying in the weeds and ready to explode, but in reality behind their peers in terms of real threat. The question for BYU is, like their Mountain West compatriots Utah and TCU, will they finally rise up and, in an ever-so-polite Mormon kind of way, bite competition on the ass in a serious, toothsome manner? Beating Washington last year can't possibly count towards this goal, especially since officials denied Washington overtime on the worst technicality ever. (Call it the aborted weapons inspection of unsportsmanlike calls.) Also run by religious fundamentalists in search of greater weaponry, i.e. nukes for Iran, and black players for BYU who won't date their daughters.
Internal Stability: Strong, even if Bronco Mendenhall uses a fake name, and cannot possibly really seriously named "Bronco." Regime continuity is strong: Lavell Edwards was at BYU for 83 years, and Mendenhall looks poised for a Methuselan run after the unfortunate Gary Crowton interregnum.
Surprising thing you did not know about this team: Like Iran, their graduates thrive largely on single commodity economy. Iran runs almost entirely on oil and natural gas, while Utah's economy is mostly dependent on Wilford Brimley and the industry of diabeetus testing supplies dependent on his constant, grizzled endorsement.
The IMF says: Rock-steady internals look good, especially with Utah rebuilding a bit, a move with serious upside for regional dominance prospects for the Cougars. 24 for the year is a guess based solely on past performance and the few dull spots in the twenties reserved for Mountain West teams by pollsters. As Utah proved last year, this is both unfair and inaccurate, and makes picking BYU here the equivalent of lowballing a potential high-teens pick. #24 is conservative, especially if you have comparable teams Utah and TCU floating six or seven spots above them--which exactly what the preseason USA Today Coaches' Poll has.
Could be better than this by three spots or potentially more, especially if the offensive line bones up for the big games against TCU and Utah. Poor Max Hall ended up ripped by wolves in both games, taking 6 sacks in the TCU game and throwing 5 picks against Utah. With this provision, approve futures to #18, and possibly higher if they take alpha dog status in the Mountain West as they did in 2007 over TCU and Utah. (This assumes Hall survives whatever horrors await him at the hands of the Sooner defense.)
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Will Clemson be included so you can compare their stability to Somalia? Not that famine and warlords are funny, but Tommy Bowden sure is/was.
by Husker4MU on Aug 13, 2009 1:14 PM EDT reply actions
Canfield was more highly touted (#40 QB-very good for OSU) than Moevao and does throw the ball well. He just throws the ball particularly well to the other team.
At first I was disturbed by the comparison to Taiwan, but it makes sense and is actually flattering upon explanation.
by Tzubear on Aug 13, 2009 1:23 PM EDT reply actions
Hey, it’s a tough little place that crawled from oblivion to stability. Aside from the implication that Oregon State is awash with toxic waste, not an unflattering comparison. (The smoke covering OSU’s campus is a different kind that that surrounding Taiwan.)
by Orson Swindle on Aug 13, 2009 1:26 PM EDT reply actions
I eagerly await the treatment you will give the Big East schools on this list.
Oh wait… it’s the top 25. Never mind.
by JD on Aug 13, 2009 1:35 PM EDT reply actions
Are you refering to forest fire smoke or fog. Corvallis has both. It’s just oddly funny how accurate the analogy is considering how rural Ctown is.
by tzubear on Aug 13, 2009 1:38 PM EDT reply actions
Taiwan has toxic waste, Corvallis’ preferred variety is that of the bovine. Seriously, have you ever smelled that place???
by Domer Guy on Aug 13, 2009 2:09 PM EDT reply actions
@tzubear:
You know what he’s reeferring to, man
by Squatch on Aug 13, 2009 2:21 PM EDT reply actions
@DomerGuy: With the wind coming out the west, it gets to be quite fragrant.
Two more reasons to like the Oregon State/Taiwan comparison: Everyone once in a while, both get hit with a hurricane (the aforementioned 694 yards to Oregon). Or, both are close to a large, potentially terrifying neighbor who would like to assimilate you/wipe you off the map.
by BeaverJohn on Aug 13, 2009 2:27 PM EDT reply actions
Deputy Director Swindle,
For your EDSBS Factbook, may I make the suggestion of a Utah Utes-Nigeria parallel?
-Both are hotly-touted up-and-coming central players in regions that are struggling for greater global respect (I think it’s safe to say that the African Union is the MWC of continental organizations).
-They’ve both known of upheaval at the leadership position, but each have managed to transition into new prosperity.
-They both have piracy and raiding in their pasts, daring acts of chicanery that were fundamental to the creation of their states.
-Nigeria also had a world-class middleweight boxer named Dick Tiger, which we all know was Norm Chow (Utah ‘67)’s college nickname.
- Finally, I heard that Saban came back to Alabama for the power and the money, but that he needs the money to pay off the debts he incurred when being scammed by a Nigerian prince. We always knew that his dramatic oversigning would come back to haunt him.
Look forward to your revisions,
Your humble intern who knew that his MA from SAIS wasn’t worth shit.
by Snowden on Aug 13, 2009 2:44 PM EDT reply actions
@ Squatch: That kind of smoke is over Eugene. The smoke over Corvallis is more likely to come from the burning effigies of Barak Obama.
by Harris on Aug 13, 2009 2:52 PM EDT reply actions
Mormon Haka? Isn’t that just square dancing in the rest of the civilized world?
by BurritoBrosShits on Aug 13, 2009 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
I dunno Harris, as a student at OSU, there’s a lot of burning couches put into the street by drunk frat guys as well. Though as far as illegal substances go, I’m not sure why Benny’s hitting the sizzurp, but it can’t be good. Maybe he’s still trying to forget the Civil War as well.
by Beavbone on Aug 13, 2009 3:07 PM EDT reply actions
Burning effigies and drinking to try to forget the Civil War? I think we just found the next target for SEC expansion.
by chg on Aug 13, 2009 3:29 PM EDT reply actions
I appreciate the Asian Tiger comparison, but I think we have even more in common with the Celtic Tiger.
The green, lush and rainy environment is an obvious parallel.
Both populations are fond of thick heavy beer that you can’t see through, Guinness for Ireland and Terminator Stout for OSU (side note, Mike McMenamin played tackle at OSU.)
Both still nurse hatreds from a centuries old blood feud with their hated rivals to the South/East, but at least there is no threat from the North.
Both endured three decades of "the Troubles"; Ireland has the memory of religious fueled killings while OSU has the memory of watching their beloved team being coached by Joe Avezzano, either of which would have crushed a lesser people.
by BennyBeav on Aug 13, 2009 3:48 PM EDT reply actions
Please make Alabama’s sister country be North Korea. Something about a tiny, crazy authoritarian running the show in a backwards country/state could be the common thread.
Other nominees include:
Notre Dame = USSR: both used to be major powers, but now they don’t really exist anymore.
Florida State = England: At one time dominated most of the world, now both are willing to settle with much less while they remain 2nd enchilada to a bigger power (U of F and U of SA respectively)
Penn State = Cuba: An old leader holds on to power despite being on his deathbed.
by Monkey Poop Battle on Aug 13, 2009 4:25 PM EDT reply actions
Thank God, Swindle, for making a reference to the 694 yards ol’ Oregon hung on them. And by the way 72.727272% of nothing should actually, in their case, be Washington State’s defense, or offense, for that matter.
by Jojo on Aug 13, 2009 4:37 PM EDT reply actions
I am really impressed at the level of sophistication shown in the football and international security analysis, both in the article and comments. As a huge college football fan (I have thanked God every day that the SEC media deal will be bringing real football to DC viewers) and avid political junkie, it seemed like almost everything I read was not only well thought out, but also entertaining and well written. Now if we could just get everyone to look a politics through sports metaphors (Sarah Palin withstanding) we could really get things done!
by Dylan on Aug 13, 2009 6:57 PM EDT reply actions
You know what’s even better than Bronco’s name? His kids are named Cutter, Breaker, and Raider. Look it up punks.
by Nick on Aug 14, 2009 1:36 AM EDT reply actions
@19
Nah, it’s the Baptists that aren’t allowed to dance. The LDSaints can’t have Coca-Cola.
"Those peckerwoods in the Bible Belt are black-hearted infidels and eaters of swine, but you have to admit, they know how to make soda pop."
by Shpip on Aug 14, 2009 1:59 AM EDT reply actions
As a huge Utah fan, I love how they are making fun of the haka. Before the game last year at Utah, byu tried to do it on Utah’s home field and the whole Utah team went over and stopped it and the two teams almost got into a big brawl. It was great to see that stupid Kewgs get the haka shoved back in their faces.
Anyway, I am LDS and yes we can dance, and yes we can have Coca-Cola.
by andrewute1 on Aug 14, 2009 9:42 AM EDT reply actions
As with andrewute1 love the making fun of byu doing the haka. The haka is a traditional Maori dance (nothing to do with the LDS church) that a bunch of white guys do at byu for some reason. It tends to upset Pacific Islanders everywhere. Yes byu does have some players from there, but its the abundance of slow, white dudes performing this traditional dance that makes this performance very “festive”.
Here is the aftermath of byu’s attempt to do the haka last year in SLC.
http://www.utefans.net/message.php?id=832422
Yes, that is Stevenson Sylvester and yes he is chasing off the entire byu team.
by UteTom on Aug 14, 2009 2:14 PM EDT reply actions
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