RICK PITINO SHOWS STEVE KRAGTHORPE HOW TO RECRUIT
by Orson on Aug 13, 2009 3:09 PM EDT
29 comments
Steve Kragthorpe and Rick Pitino approach the door of a football recruit.
Kragthorpe: I'm nervous about this.
Pitino: Nah, Krags. Don't worry. Everyone needs some professional development time. I know how recruiting is. So what we're gonna do, again: I'll walk in, show you my recruiting pitch, and then you'll try the same.
Kragthorpe: Okay, okay. Hey, where's the doorbell?
Pitino: It's that shiny button there. You like shiny buttons, right?
Kragthorpe: Oh, you betcha.
Kragthorpe lays on the doorbell for ten whole seconds. An irritated mother approaches the door.
Pitino: Thanks for having us at your home, ma'am. Is Javon around? We'd like to talk to both of you.
Kragthorpe: [/nods]
Mother: Why, certainly coach. That is a nice suit you have on. [/flirts, bats eyes.] Let me get Javon.
Javon enters. They all sit at coffee table.
Pitino: [/in stage whisper to Kragthorpe] Watch, and learn.
Kragthorpe: [/nods]
Pitino: And take off your baseball cap. You look like a farmer.
Kragthorpe. [/takes off cap]
Pitino: Nice to meet you, Javon. I'm here to show you that when you commit to Louisville, which I know you're going to do, you commit to the whole family, me included. Now, your mother loves you very much. And I know you love her and want her to be happy. I know of two things that would make her happier than she's ever been, Javon.
Javon: Yeah. That's true. What are those two things?
Pitino: You with a college education and a shot at the NBA, and me laying her right down on that couch over there and taking her to the Italian Derby for the ride of her life.
Kragthorpe is floored, and stares around the room. Javon, Pitino, and Mother all seem composed and unmoved.
Pitino: See that coffee table over there? now imagine your mother bent over that with her panties at her ankles Imagine how happy she'll be. You want your mother to be happy, don't you? Let me make her happy for you. Just sign here, Javon, and we'll be halfway there. The rest is up to me, your mother, and the bottle of fine Prosecco I have chilling in a Styrofoam cooler in the car.
Javon: I dunno, coach. That's a big deal, signing with a school. I'll have to think about it.
Pitino: Of course it is. I want you to be serious about this, because we at Louisville are serious about you. I'd be happy to help with this brochure from our admissions office, this detailed portfolio showing the accomplishments of our football program, and these written accounts of my prowess in making rough, sweet love to the women of the world. Apologies--are you more of a visual learner, Tommy? Because I have some pictures over here in my attache case that might interest you.
Mother: They interest me, actually--
He stands, and takes a manila folder from his valise.
Pitino: Look at the leverage I've got on Delonte's mom in this shot. That's the good stuff right there.
Mother: Well, it certainly is.
Pitino: Ask Tony Delk's mother. I took her out for a nice meal at Antonelli's. She'd never had carpaccio before. Loved it. Delk went on to become one of the best players in Kentucky history. Mrs. Delk and I ended up against a dumpster in the alley. In the end we all got what they wanted most, Tony. Especially Mrs. Delk, if you follow my drift.
Javon and Mother are hypnotized.
Javon: That does sound good. Yes. I will commit to Coach Pitino and Louisville.
Mother: Yes. This all sounds like a good idea.
Pitino turns to Kragthorpe.
Pitino: Go ahead, try it. You can do it. Trust me.
Kragthorpe: I dunno, that looked hard. Plus you said you wanted to fuck the kid's mom. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.
Pitino: Nonsense. You've got this. Go ahead. Cake, son. Cake.
Kragthorpe: Javon. I want you to come to Louisville. And I...
Kragthorpe pauses, and looks up at Pitino. Pitino urges him forward.
Kragthorpe: ...I wanna do it with your mom, too.
Mother: AW, HELL NAW!!!
Javon: Fuck you, man! What the fuck is that?
Kragthorpe: I was--it's just that when he said it, and--I...
Javon: YOU DO NOT SAY THAT SHIT! YOU JUST DON'T!!!
Kragthorpe: (gamely attempts to regroup) But I want to touch her breasts. They'll feel like...breasts.
Pitino: Seriously, Krags, you crossed a line there. I'm sorry, Javon.
Kragthorpe: Does your mother like foreplay? Because there are some things I don't do.
Mother: If you don't leave my house, I'm going to shoot you.
Kragthorpe: I will, however, shave your mother's..um...hoo-ha. That's something we can all enjoy, yes?
Javon and mother throw the pair out of the house.
Pitino: I don't know what you were doing in there, Krags.
Kragthorpe: I was just saying the same thing you were saying!
Pitino: No, no, no. It wasn't the same at all.
Kragthorpe: I mean...does that work on everyone? You just walk in there, do it, and leave? Does that work every time?
Pitino: (sighs) Almost always Krags. Almost.
(A joint production with Unsilent Majority.)
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My brother played football with kids named Javon and Delonte and he really wanted to play football at Louisville . . . MY MOTHER IS A WHORE!
by Harris on Aug 13, 2009 3:15 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’m never again giving my wife shit about reading romance novels. Is it hot in here?
by Crabapple Buck on Aug 13, 2009 3:22 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Is Rick Pitino gonna have to glamor a bitch?
by Jason on Aug 13, 2009 3:22 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Insert “Bill Clinton” for Pitino & “AlGore” for Kragthorpe and the storyline doesn’t miss a beat.
by yoyofutbawl on Aug 13, 2009 3:35 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
My, you have lovely window treatments…IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
by Mad.Mike on Aug 13, 2009 3:35 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
The thought of Rick Pitino, suit pants around his ankles, pounding Tony Delk’s mother against a dumpster in some filthy alley is burned in my brain now.
by Pandemonium Reigns on Aug 13, 2009 3:53 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
The funny thing is this uproar in Louisville as if Missus Siphen is the only woman not named Mrs. Pitino that the city’s most famous man is/was bangin.
by John P. Wise on Aug 13, 2009 3:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Now imagine your mother bent over that with her panties at her ankles.
by TJ on Aug 13, 2009 4:38 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Wow. You have some serious issues. Take off the fucking clown shoes.
by Drew on Aug 13, 2009 4:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Oddly enough a similar thing happened involving Houston Nutt’s recruiting of Darren Mcfadden.
by GTSteve on Aug 13, 2009 4:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Drew—
We would, but your mother loves the sight of them under her bed.
by Orson Swindle on Aug 13, 2009 4:49 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
But for the school colors, I thought the man in the picture was [name redacted]…
by sb on Aug 13, 2009 4:58 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
by Kevin@LSU on Aug 13, 2009 5:05 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
eh,
pitino’s a douche and all, and the story’s creepy, but it’s not like he was running an abortion mill out of his basement or anything. Not to be tooooo morally relativistic or anything, but rich dudes frequently act like jerkoffs and cheat on their wives.
just sayin.
by jon on Aug 13, 2009 5:46 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Great post to end the summer hibernation.
If only John Edwards would have Pitinoed the situation.
by dudis41 on Aug 13, 2009 6:17 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Oh man, best thing here in some time! GO JACKETS, STING ’EM!
by Nick Black on Aug 13, 2009 6:45 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
i agree with jon. it really isn’t all that uncommon. the initial outcry suggesting he should lose his job was ridiculous. would any of us losers face such ramifications if we cheated and tried to quietly pay for an abortion?
by onegreatseason on Aug 13, 2009 6:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Things I learned today:
- My coworkers can’t stand the fact I get paid $150/mo more than they do.
- Embedded videos from ESPN will frickin’ kill Firefox.
- Mentioning Tony Delk’s mother and Rick Pitino engaging in a sex act is nevar funny.
by The Fake Gimel Martinez on Aug 13, 2009 8:42 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
On the other hand, “taking her to the Italian Derby” as a euphemism is extremely funny. Cocktails, etc.
by JD on Aug 13, 2009 10:21 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
NOW I understand why our current recruits have said they are not swayed by the recent news!
I think Ricky P outta run for the senate when he’s done with coaching. He’ll fit right in. Just stay away from that Senator Craig from Idaho. He’s a game changer.
by Trojan Horse on Aug 14, 2009 1:14 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Not only does it take at least two people to engage in sex,
if said sex does not include animals, dead people, and inanimate objects,
but an abortion now beats the eighteen years of child support payments.
by Anonymous IV on Aug 14, 2009 1:17 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
’09 fantasy football name….“Pitino Baby Killaz”
by Tebow = Jesus Christ on Aug 14, 2009 7:19 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
“Just stay away from that Senator Craig from Idaho. He’s a game changer.”
Very nice, Trojan Horse!
by Aux Arcs on Aug 14, 2009 9:51 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
jon @ #16…I don’t think dudes acting like jerkoffs and cheating on their wives is confined to a single economic bracket…however it does make “throwing money to make it go away” an easier method of clean-up.
by sb on Aug 14, 2009 11:09 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Jon @ 16,
You don’t have to be rich brother.
by tzubear on Aug 14, 2009 11:09 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Oh man that Sypher lady looks like the raunchiest hoe out there. What a mess.
by Brian on Aug 14, 2009 11:53 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
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