beardbow

–Step two of an arms race with Brandon Spikes for title most outrageously masculine Florida player. Spikes will counter by playing with a falcon on his shoulder; Tebow will counter with eyepatch; Spikes will cut own leg off, adopt pegleg, and still finish second in the nation in tackles for loss.

–Its forceful barbs prevent against any unwanted lusty sitting upon, like a park bench with the anti-homeless bar mounted in the middle.

–It shows up whether he shaves or not, just like the robes and two of every animal in the world sitting in his backyard daily.

–It’s not a beard, it’s a cowcatcher mounted on the front of a pain train.

–He’s growing it for a charity to give new beards to sad old prospectors with facial alopecia.