REASONS TIM TEBOW HAS A BEARD
–Step two of an arms race with Brandon Spikes for title most outrageously masculine Florida player. Spikes will counter by playing with a falcon on his shoulder; Tebow will counter with eyepatch; Spikes will cut own leg off, adopt pegleg, and still finish second in the nation in tackles for loss.
–Its forceful barbs prevent against any unwanted lusty sitting upon, like a park bench with the anti-homeless bar mounted in the middle.
–It shows up whether he shaves or not, just like the robes and two of every animal in the world sitting in his backyard daily.
–It’s not a beard, it’s a cowcatcher mounted on the front of a pain train.
–He’s growing it for a charity to give new beards to sad old prospectors with facial alopecia.










1
Crabapple Buck says:
On his organ donor card he lists, beard.
He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does he prefers Dos Equiis.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:43 am
2
Kevin@LSU says:
To be closer to his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
August 13th, 2009 at 10:44 am
3
Tim says:
Is this compensation for not having Moustache Wednesday this week?
August 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am
4
Itismemc says:
He heard it would get him laid…
August 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am
5
buddy randolph says:
I’ve never seen someone so happy to smell a terrible fart. Or at least that’s how I interpret that face he’s making.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:52 am
6
DG2004 says:
I heard it was to further humiliate Chuck Norris
August 13th, 2009 at 10:54 am
7
ChopBlock says:
Homos love beards
August 13th, 2009 at 11:03 am
8
dirt sandwich says:
“unwanted lusty”. would that be le lusty or la lusty?
August 13th, 2009 at 11:05 am
9
voteprime says:
I swore the title read “Reasons Tim Tebow IS a Beard,” which would take on a totally different meaning: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beard_%28female_companion%29
August 13th, 2009 at 11:09 am
10
Ramblin Dreck says:
Covers up the roid acne.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:19 am
11
Brizzle says:
Thom Brennaman just said it was the greatest beard in the history of mankind.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
12
CincySooner says:
My guess is that his facial hair has finally become razor-proof.
He’ll be forced to shave with a bunsen burner from now on.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:23 am
13
msufan says:
or nasa is working on a titanium blade for him
August 13th, 2009 at 11:30 am
14
Mr Dizzle says:
Did you say old prospector?
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=10922702
August 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am
15
Ronnie Wilson's AK-47 says:
It isn’t a beard. Urban’s sperm just happens to be as black as his heart.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:40 am
16
NCT says:
To keep him from being mistaken for somebody’s aunt from a Bonifay trailer park.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:57 am
17
Gen. Stoopnagle says:
This has already been alluded to, but what the hey?
“Maybe he’s deciding to take the scriptures seriously?”
August 13th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
18
ALGator says:
No, no, NO… you guys have it all wrong. It’s like Rocky IV.. ya know he’s all training in Russia with the beard. Then, just before the fight he’s all clean shaven.
Game 1 vs Charleston Southern (or Ivan Drago if you follow along with my anology) the beard will be no more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8xHjC27YvM
August 13th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
19
Year2 says:
Wow, an Evan Almighty reference. I suppose it fits, but it was the most expensive flop in comedy movie history.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
20
ALGator says:
Eye of the tiger, bitches.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
21
sonofsamford says:
“TIM TEBOW HERE FOR THE BRITHMAN SUPER CIRCUMCISER!!!!”
August 13th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
22
I LOVE TURD says:
“He’s a faaaaAAAg” – Tony Soprano
August 13th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
23
John P. Wise says:
Is he auditioning for a Pearl Drops commercial?
“Nnnnnnnnnn … it’s a great feeling.”
August 13th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
24
Mickey Underpants says:
He wants to reach out to incarcerated cacti that need to change their lives around?
August 14th, 2009 at 6:56 am
25
ohiodawg says:
I’m glad he’s such a mutt. I’ve had enough of all the stars being pretty boys.
August 14th, 2009 at 7:41 am
26
rick marbles says:
The metal particles in his steely muscles finally became aligned, giving him real magnetism. The beard is actually iron fillings adhering to his sculpted jaw.
August 15th, 2009 at 2:34 pm