CURIOUS INDEX, 8/12/09

by Orson on Aug 12, 2009 10:16 AM EDT

Beast Mode, Given a Year to Season. Don't look at it as a season-ending knee injury. Instead, think of it as rationing out the finite number of concussion-dealing hits Darren Evans can deal out over another season of college football.

Evans will miss the season due to a blown jukin' belt in his knee, the kind of thing the football gods do to keep mortals humble, preseason polls fluid, and Vegas gamblers scrambling to the line like a pack of dogs chasing a garbage truck. Sophomore Josh Oglesby has carried the ball in college competition. The other Tech running backs cannot say that, though freshman David Wilson did show Canada whatfor in the World Championships. Suck it, fatbackers! U-S-A! U-S-A!

One of these things from Media Day is true: Tim Tebow uses Chanel for Men because he likes it's lemony, shower-clean scent with a hint of femininity! Jon Bostic plays the "Ambush" position not only on special teams, but in unmentionable dorm games involving girlfriends of other players caught in flagrante delictoby Bostic and his amazing webcam! Brian White just loves talking about going 0-12 at Syracuse! Tim Tebow's break tackles rating in NCAA 2010 is YESVERYMUCHPLZ! Reporters were forced to pee sitting down if Brandon Spikes walked into the men's room while they were there! Everyone wants to be on special teams!

Premiere phatback, intact. Jonathan Dwyer, one of college football's few genuine generously proportioned bowling ball backs in the making, is fine after tweaking his hip flexor in practice. If Bill Cowher were still coaching in the NFL, he'd be secretly sending Dwyer pizza and weight gain shakes in order to beef him up for the Steelers backfield, since Dwyer, while trim now, has the potential to get into pad-shattering range bodywise if you've seen him up close. He also runs like a pit bull chasing a toddler covered in bacon, so there's that, too.

Schnellenberger's just glad someone's got some sense in this place. Of all the stories about ESPN having Florida Atlantic as one of Bruce Feldman's picks in the title game for a few hours on ESPN.com, this has the finest photoshoppery of all. Schnellenberger appreciates the vote, but is really just focused on winning the Big 8 or whatever the hell conference he's coaching in now. Pass him that cravat and do it snappily, Buxtable--it's filled with bathtub gin and hope.

We weren't aware that there were 100 types of UCLA fans, but being totally ignorant of West Coast football as we are, this isn't surprising. We can offer a much simpler companion volume for South Carolina fans. There are two types: those whose breath stuns waterfowl at 400 yards on gameday, and those who are already passed out. We hope this contributes another footnote into the master volume of college football fanthropology.

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Comments

I like the Haden/Loeffler quote pair. Loeffler is clearly used to Belichickian NFL levels of secrecy, and not the freewheeling ways of the college game.

by gosouthgohard on Aug 12, 2009 10:25 AM EDT reply actions

Not sure I’d call Dwyer “trim” right now even, he’s probably 235 and Paul Johnson has flat out said he’d like him to stop hitting up Bojangle’s quite so often. He’s got the body type that could carry close to 245 though I think … he’s got that Jerome Bettis fat speed thing going.

by Nathan on Aug 12, 2009 10:34 AM EDT reply actions

Orson, what’s the difference in the two types of South Carolina fan? Am I to assume the passed out one isn’t breathing?

There are also two types of Michigan State fan. The type who sneaks onto military bases to get additional tear gas training and the type who just don’t be carin’ none, brah.

by Zone Left on Aug 12, 2009 10:42 AM EDT reply actions

Huh, I wasn’t aware there were 100 UCLA football fans…

by Pants McPants on Aug 12, 2009 10:45 AM EDT reply actions

Great clip. Now would be the optimal time for Ryan Williams to show why he was so highly coveted coming out of high school.

by Coop on Aug 12, 2009 10:51 AM EDT reply actions

Seeeeyyyymour!!! I told you not to play that rough game with those boys. Did he hurt you???And stay away from Miss Krabnapple!!!

Yes, mother.

by yoyfutbawl on Aug 12, 2009 10:57 AM EDT reply actions

“He also runs like a pit bull chasing a toddler covered in bacon, so there’s that, too.”

My coworkers gave me looks for laughing a bit too loud at this one. Thanks Swindle.

by Scotthany on Aug 12, 2009 10:57 AM EDT reply actions

“juke belt”….that is going into the file.

by Grady on Aug 12, 2009 11:18 AM EDT reply actions

If you were a Gamecock fan, you’d be driven to drink too.

Where’s my bourbon? It’s going to be a looooooong year.

Go Cocks!

by Mike on Aug 12, 2009 11:25 AM EDT reply actions

Fulmer Cup: Alumni Edition
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4392900

by PW on Aug 12, 2009 11:45 AM EDT reply actions

has anyone done a point count on LP’s antics?

by yoyofutbawl on Aug 12, 2009 12:01 PM EDT reply actions

When does this blog switch over to SBNation format?

by AH! on Aug 12, 2009 12:02 PM EDT reply actions

I can’t believe no one has taken that clip and looped it about 15 times at varying speeds. If for no other reason than so we can hear Chris Fowler’s “BOOMMMMM!!!” at chipmunk speed.

by JD on Aug 12, 2009 12:32 PM EDT reply actions

After looking at everyone’s projections, one cannot help but have some sympathy for USC since it appears that they are damned to blow out Big Ten teams in the Rose Bowl into perpetuity. I guess that would be considered level “1A” on the Dante’s Inferno scale. It’s not necessarily a “bad” situation, but it’s still hell.

by meatybob on Aug 12, 2009 12:32 PM EDT reply actions

I love the unfiltered joy in aggression that Fowler lets go after the big hit.

by Joe Geronimo on Aug 12, 2009 12:33 PM EDT reply actions

Dat jukebelt done dealt out all da jukin’ and jivin’ it couuuld…Den it go POP! OOOOOH-WEE! Poor Misser Evans. Any o’yall wanna see Ryan Williams say “YEAH!”

by atlHOkie on Aug 12, 2009 1:29 PM EDT reply actions

“…Team USA’s two previous victories at the tournament, a 78-0 stomping of France and 55-0 victory against Mexico.”
We call it The Emperor Maximilian I Sucker Punch.

by Grib on Aug 12, 2009 3:54 PM EDT reply actions